This is not something I thought I'd ever see and I have felt some shit while listening to "Just Another Day." This is 47-year-old Jon Secada flexing his veins and popping that apricot Fashion Fair lip gloss at a Chippendale's event in Las Vegas last night.
Who knew that Jon was hiding some juiced-up Jersey Shore shit underneath his white linen shirt. Bitch is looking like a dehydrated roid daddy who can't fall asleep unless a whitening strip is lounging on top of his teeth, but I still would. WELL, I told you I felt some things while listening to "Just Another Day" and you can use his lip gloss as lube.
One of these is an empty-headed plastic toy with hair made out of synthetic fibers and breasts sculpted from a mound of melted orange Legos. The other is a cake.
Seriously, Katie Price is starting to make Harvey cry into his animal crackers, because her face looks like it's been embalmed with spray foam insulation and covered with several layers of beeswax. You just want to snatch one of her machete-like brows and use it to deflate her inner tube lips. Poor tortured Harvey already has to suffer by looking at Alex Reid's hemorrhoid face every day, and now he has to deal with this?! Harvey deserves a million gold-wrapped chocolate Noble Peace Prizes for what he has to deal with.
Anyways, here's Katie Price and her doll cake (wearing her old wedding dress) leaving her bachelorette party in London last night. Katie already married her cage fighting, cross dressing husband Roxy Baby in Las Vegas earlier this year, but she is throwing a bigger and Chavier wedding in England this weekend.
Crissy Ronaldo is a spitter - Towleroad
B.Coop is leaving his beard behind - Lainey Gossip
Christina Hendricks embraces the chunk - The Superficial
Kelly Brook must own stock in nylon - Egotastic!
Dolly Parton is an ageless beauty. Mostly because 98% of her is made of non-biodegradable materials (site NSFW) - Drunk Stepfather
Brit Brit must be asking for whole milk in her Frapps instead of heavy cream, because she's looking skinnier - Hollywood Tuna
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary and they look happier than ever (sarcasm) - Celebitchy
The Jersey Shore 2 trailer - I'm Not Obsessed
Teresa Giudice needs to get a bikini wax on her forehead - ICYDK
Lourdes Ciccone blogs - OMG Blog
Bachelor Jake went out on a date with a dude (No, I'm not talking about Vienna Sausage) - Popbytes
Every awful part of the 80s simultaneously shat all over Peaches Geldof and her friend - Holy Moly!
Sienna Miller just how I like her - Cityrag
Kristen Stewart continues to wear dresses that look like they used to be American Gladiator costumes - Hollywood Rag
Nerve asked a few Juggalos and Juggalettes including Dirty Byrd (above) to give out sex advice and to also share stories of all the magic that goes on at shows. Below is Dirty Byrd's answer to the question: "What's the craziest thing you've seen at a Juggalo event?"
Oh shit, where do I start? I was at a Miss Juggalette Pageant one night and I saw a girl get onstage and shove a twelve-inch kielbasa up her neden hole. Juggalos can’t dance, you know? So I guess they got to do something. Oh, we call vaginas nedens.
Kielbasa? Was there not a bottle of Faygo around to shove up her neden hole? What kind of Juggalette is she?
Looking like she just rolled out of the gutter where she was spooning with her career, Mischa Barton and a friend visited the Hammer (more like Hammered) Museum together and later she went to an ATM to collect a "no funds available" receipt.
Okay, okay, even though Mischa looks like she out fished old weave pieces from Brit Brit's bathroom pipes and glued them to the top of her head, this isn't a complete disaster. I mean, if you Photoshop a pair of plastic glasses on her face and squint just a bit, she'll sort of resemble Garth from Wayne's World. Upgrade!
Isaiah Mustafa, the piece who made thousands of horny tricks do all sorts of kinky shit with an Old Spice bottle, is back in a brand new commercial that will swan dive into some of your vaginas. This still doesn't make me want to squirt Old Spice on my pits, but it did make me cancel my plans for tonight (aka watch 10 hours of TV and then cry in the shower) so that I can take 3 trains to Costco to buy sheet cake.
And for once, I'm not talking about any member of the Lohan family. Although, now that I think about it the bumbling fool of a cop in this story should probably pay a visit to Ancestry.com, because based on his logic skills he's most likely blood related to the Lohans. While he does that, let's go over why we should all make him a dunce cap out of Clinique sun care cards.
TMZ is saying that when Lindsay Lohan was pulled over for DUI back in 2007, the cop found a Clinique sun car card with a powdery substance on it in her back pocket. The cop opened up his trusty police handbook written by Deputy Sheriff Barney Fife and flipped to the chapter on white powdery substances. After reading a bit, the dumb ass came to the conclusion that the white shit must be a crushed breath mint! And so he threw that shit in the trash.
Officer Dildo Brains wrote in his report: "Some of the white substance fell to the floor. I used my foot to see what had fell but thought nothing of it. I did not recognize the substance attached to the card and initially thought the substance was a wet crushed breath mint. I put the card into the jail trash can next to the booking windows. I was looking at the floor and began to recognize the substance as resembling powder cocaine. I then recovered the card from the trash."
The Clinique coke card could not be used in court, because the officer contaminated it by throwing it in the garbage. Blohan copped a plea for the DUI and only spent 84 minutes in jail.
This officer probably believes it when bitches play the "Officer, I don't know how that decapitated hooker got in the trunk of my car" card.
Since Lindsay Lohan was riding high on the bad shit she probably had coke bref in a major way, so I'm surprised Officer Dumb Bitch didn't offer her some Altoid dust on a Clinique card. "Ew. Your coke breath is killing my nose. Here lick this crushed up mint that isn't cocaine."
If you're going to make the decision to violate your snatch by letting Constantine Mouralis stick his dick in, then you should at least do everyone a favor by shoving a cork in his peen hole before wrapping it in industrial strength plastic wrap covered in spermicide. Because if you don't, you will find your vagina frowning at you for the rest of your days. But besides that, you also might find yourself knocked up with his baby! And that's exactly what has happened to actress and singer Angel Reed.
Page Six says that Angel Reed was part of the chorus of Rock of Ages, but she quit the show after finding out she was 3-months pregnant with Connie's kid. Connie, who is one of the stars of Rock of Ages, and Angel have been boning on-and-off for a few months. A source says, "Angel just gave her notice last week, and told friends on the show that she is pregnant. It's been an open secret that she and Constantine have been together for a while."
A rep for Rock of Ages refused to comment on this.
You know, instead of actually fornicating with humans, Connie should just stick to trying o butt fuck everything and anything with his eyes like he did on American Idol. The world is a much safer place that way.
After years upon years of having to soak her vagina in yogurt to treat her permanent case of the yeasties, Wonder Woman has decided to leave her pussy-suffocating spandex briefs on the floor and put on a pair of pants instead. Starting with issue #600, which is out today, Wonder Woman will wear a totally different outfit. Say goodbye to the glamorously elegant stripper boots and say hello to a pair of butch bitch boots bought on clearance at DSW. Why do I cry?!!!
J. Michael Straczynski, the new writer of the Wonder Woman series, says that the character is entering a new age and they wanted her look to reflect that. J. Michael explained while digging the heel of Wonder Woman's old whore boot into my heart
It's a look designed to be taken seriously as a warrior, in partial answer to the many female fans over the years who've asked, "how does she fight in that thing without all her parts falling out?") She can close it up to pass unnoticed...open it for the freedom to fight...lose the jacket or keep it on...it has pockets (the other fan question, "where does she carry anything in that outfit?", it can be accessorized...it's a Wonder Woman look designed for the 21st century. The bracelets are still there, but made more colorful, tied on the inside and over the hand, with a script W on each of them that form WW when she holds them side by side...and if you get hit by one of them, it leaves a W mark. This is a Wonder Woman who signs her work...letting her enemies know that she's getting closer.
"This is Wonder Woman reborn, literally and metaphorically: fast, elegant, tough, smart...the savior of her people, their guardian and protector...avenging the fall of Paradise Island, searching to discover why Paradise Island was abandoned by the gods. In the end, what she discovers will change her life and the world forever...and she will come face to face with a decision that will mean life or death for the entire human race."
I get that Wonder Woman probably got sick of seeing the likes of Miley Cyrus, Taylor Momsen and Lady Caca snatch her swagger by putting their crotches on display, but now she looks like a background extra from The Real L-Word. That isn't a bad thing, but why didn't Wonder Woman think of all the down low sluts out there?! Every Whoreoween, undercover sluts proudly let their tramp out by hiking up their chichis and camel toes as Wonder Woman. What are they going to do now?! Why doesn't anybody think of the sluts?!!!!!
Our Lady of Cheetos almost dropped one of her Cheetolings on his head in the middle of the street and she locked another one up in the bathroom during a psychotic breakdown, so I think it's safe to say that Child Protective Services has her address permanently stored in their GPS systems and a week doesn't go by when they don't poke her on Facebook.
However, when Daddy Spears and KFed stepped in to make sure she stops letting her boys chew on silica gel packets ("It soothes them in tha nerves," said Brit Brit), CPS backed down a bit. But now CPS is back to knocking on the front door of their old friend's house. The Sun reports that CPS wants to talk to Brit Brit about allegations from her former bodyguard Fernando Flores that she beat SPF and JJ with a belt and also fed them shit they are allergic to. FYI: This former bodyguard is also the same former bodyguard who threatened to sue Brit Brit after he claims she sexually harassed him by flashing her dry roasted clitterling at him.
A source tells The Sun all about Fernando's allegations, "Britney doesn't mean to be a bad mum. But Flores feels she has so many issues she can't be trusted around her boys. He claims the first really shocking incident was when she came marching into the pool house at her mansion and demanded his belt. He handed it over but then followed her into the main house and claims he witnessed the alleged incident."
Fernando also claims that one of the boys is deathly allergic to shellfish (no Velveeta scrimp casserole for him), but he watched Brit Brit feed it to him. Fernando claims this shit went down in March and April.
Fernando needs to come at Brit Brit harder, because if he was so concerned with the well being of her chirruns why did he wait so long to report her ass to CPS (before placing a call to The Sun, of course)? And his big shocking child abuse allegations is that Brit Brit whipped her boys with a belt once? Fernando is really trying to sit there and act like his abuelita never pulled him by the ear to her closet and told him to pick out which belt he wanted her to use on him?! Really?
And since we're on that subject, how come your abuelita would still grab the thickest leather belt in her closet even when you pointed at the satin sash belt? Why make me pick then?!