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My abuelita had this cockatoo named Michi who woke everyone up in the morning with his loud ass squawking, tried to bite your hand any chance he got and pooped more than a baby on laxatives. Well, Miley Cyrus' new video reminds me of Michi's annoying ass. Throw a blanket over this or accidentally leave the cage door open when abuelita isn't looking!

This is 17-year-old Miley Cyrus' video for "Can't Be Tamed" which features her as some kind of crow beaver chicken creature humping on a bunch of birds in the middle of a museum. Pedo bird orgy alert. THE FUCK is right.

Noah Cyrus probably thought up this mess after downing a dozen Red Bulls in a row while watching Jessica Wild do the sessy chicken dance on RuPaul's Drag Race:

This video is about as sexy as two pigeons pecking each other to death over a crusty biscuit lying in the gutter. And come to think of it, the song alone sounds like two pigeons pecking each other to death.

Gif via Vh1

Even though Lindsay Lohan was out till 2am doing Boilermakers with White Oprah, she still managed to roll off the bathroom floor this morning, pick her dentures out of the toilet, slip on a pair of silk boxer shorts and show up to her deposition today. And she was only 22 minutes late! It's a miracle.

LiLo was a no-show to two previously scheduled depositions, so she had to show up today or she would automatically lose the case. LiLo is being sued by a trio of dudes who claim she held them hostage in an SUV during a car chase.

Yes, everyone in the room had to tape a Glade Plug-In to their nose because White Oprah and LiLo reeked like the inside of a Port-A-Potty on the last day of a Juggalo festival in August, but at least they showed up! Yes, LiLo's lawyer had to dump a Dixie cup full of water in White Oprah's head because she dozed off halfway through and started snoring, but at least they showed up! Yes, LiLo stormed out of the room when everyone laughed after she stated the year of her birth, but at least they showed up! Progress (not really)!

Apparently, Corey Haim did not die from eating handfuls of the bad shit as was previously reported. The L.A. County's Coroner Office announced today that drugs didn't play a part in Corey's death. The coroner reports that Corey died of pneumonia and hypertrophic cardiomyopathy with coronary arteriosclerosis. Well, I guess I won't be having onion ring nachos for dinner after all.

TMZ also says that Corey's mother admitted to getting rid of all of his prescription meds by flushing them down the toilet just a few hours after his death. Corey's mother claimed she wasn't trying to sweep his shit under the rug. She was afraid other people might snatch his meds, so she got rid of them. She also said that she didn't know if the police were going to investigate the scene or not.

I watch a lot of Cops so I understand when loved ones cover up for their own. But honestly, Mother Haim should've sent his meds down the sewer pipe way before his death. And she should've replaced all of his pills with a Sharpie and a weave brow kit. Well, the state of those brows....

Now I know how the dude selling oranges on the corner feels when a Food 4 Less opens next to him. Tila Tequila is kicking all us hos off our corners by launching a brand new celebrity gossip blog which will be the #1 gossip site in the world!

My mother taught me to never trust an animatronic goblin, but I actually believe Tila. Tila will rule the internet. Case in point: "LET'S ALL FORGIVE CHRIS BROWN TODAY!!" Yup, it's a fucking wrap.

via Videogum

Do a Buttery Nipple shot out of your partner's eager snatch, because Bret Michaels' doctor announced today that he has been released from the hospital nearly two weeks after he suffered a brain hemorrhage. Dr. Joseph Zabramski wanted everyone to know that Bret is still busted up and down, but his condition is improving and he's recuperating at an undisclosed location. I'm guessing the "undisclosed location" is one of the bigger rooms at the Bunny Ranch.

Dr. Zabramski had this to say: "Mr. Michaels was indeed a lucky person, a very lucky person. He's improving and I expect him to continue to improve. I really expect that he will fortunately make a 100 percent recovery. He's just one of those lucky people – 10 to 20 percent who make a complete recovery and can resume all of their normal activities."

Dr. Zabramski does realize what that one of Bret's "normal activities" is banging his head against a stripper's thigh while she rides his shoulders?

And the beautiful swan on the right of Bret in the picture above is probably having the best day ever. Bitch probably dropped her two Big Gulps and gave double Shaka signs as soon as she heard the news.

via People

Field of Electric Dreams: If you build it, he will come....to get tased - Towleroad

Marion Cotillard wearing one of Carol Channing's old ones to that Met shit last night - Lainey Gossip

If Tiger Woods left Nike and art directed an ad campaign for Reebok - Egotastic!

Katy Perry's dress should be served with a tab of E - The Superficial

Every single one of MiserAlba's farts is a gift to the world (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Iggy Pop relaxing at the beach after his exhausting performance in London - Hollywood Tuna

Sandra Bullock's People cover will outsell the chosen ones' cover - Celebitchy

Justin Timberlake would look hotter in Jessica Biel's shorts. Truthery. - Popoholic

I'm sure it wasn't weird at all when Jennifer Aniston stroked Adam Sandler's cheek and sighed, "Oh, Brad...." - Popsugar

Every single picture from the Met Ball. Every single one. - Just Jared

Bret Michaels is walking! - ICYDK

Screw Padma! Her sexy ass date is as fine as a monthly allowance and a townhouse in Florida - I'm Not Obsessed

Watch this video and then HOLD ME TIGHT - OMG Blog

Dan Aykroyd is kind of crazy - Hollywood Rag

Oh, so the medical term for being a cunt is now called "emotional disorder"? Good to know - Holy Moly!

First there was Sasha Fierce, then Honey B and now B.B. Homemaker! When the fuck is she going to B. Gone?! I'm joking (not really).

Here's Beyonce as B.B. Homemaker in the video for "Why Don't You Love Me? (Answer: How Much Time Do You have?)". In the video, B.B. Homomaker traipses around in pussy huggers, shakes her titties at the camera, splashes around in a bubble bath and spills her martini while crying on the phone to her lover. Basically, it's a day in the life of Gay Al Reynolds from when he was married to Star Jones.

Oh, and this song was co-written by Basement Baby! Put your moth balls up!

via The Awl

During an interview in New Zealand the other day, Justin Lesbeaver was asked if his last name means basketball in German. Justin did the Kanye shrug, because he said he had no idea what the word German means. At least Brittany from Glee would say something charming like, "Did you know 'German' means doctor in Polish." Seriously, this really is our future. 2012 can't come sooner.

You know, I was hoping that Justin's luxurious locks were keeping his ears from hearing clearly, but then the VJ dude showed him the word on card and he still didn't know. The Canadian embryo finally said that we don't "say that in America."

So this is why the air smelled like Lemon Pledge, maple syrup and weed smoke over the weekend. It's because millions of Canadians were breathing a sigh of relief when Justin didn't say "in Canada."

In Justin's defense, he hasn't even conquered peeing without getting it on the floor so how can we expect him to know what German means!

via TDW

STONER LOVE ALERT! Maybe.

Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves, who did acting stuff together in The Devil's Advocate and that Dying Young knock-off, gave each other hugs and kisses after leaving a restaurant in Beverly Hills last night. At one point while they were waiting for their cars, Charlize slipped her hand in Keanu's jacket. Oh, I'm sure bitch was just trying to steal his wallet or snatch his last joint. It doesn't mean anything.

Even this video from TMZ of Charlize and Keanu hugging and kissing doesn't prove that they are High Times Magazine's IT couple of the year. Eating a pot brownie in the bathroom of a restaurant will cause you to hug anything from a fire extinguisher to a Bush to a hobo wearing a scarf (aka Keanu Reeves).

Meanwhile in a crazy house somewhere in Canada, Karen Sala is gnawing on her straitjacket in between screaming about how Shape-Shifter Keanu Reeves has struck again!

Doesn't it give you a warm feeling inside (note: that could be gas) knowing that IN THIS ECONOMY a man can still use his wife's credit card to buy her a sparkly piece of tacky shit ridiculousness?

Mimi and Nick Cannon renewed their vows AGAIN on Friday night, and he gave her blinged out candy ring pop for an anniversary gift. That mess is made of white gold and encrusted with diamonds and pink sapphires.

That ring almost cut up Mimi's organs after she devoured it whole thinking it was a real candy pop. But a few hours later, Nick felt joy in his heart as he watched Mimi's face light up when she shat out diamonds and sapphires into her Hello Shitty toilet.

Source: People via Buzzfeed