Archives

42-year-old Celine Dion and her 105-year-old dusty husband René Angelil are expecting their second and third child together, so says her rep to People Magazine. Celine got a case of the double babies 14 weeks ago after her sixth in-vitro fertilization attempt. Celine also tried some acupuncture shit to increase her chances at getting pregnant.

Celine announced she was pregnant 10 months ago, but it turned out to be a false positive. Celine recently told Oprah that she's been trying to get knocked up to give her 9-year-old son R(roll that "R" like you're trying to hawk a loogie)ené-Charles a brother or a sister.

René Angelil issued this statement of words to People: "We're ecstatic. Celine is just hoping for a healthy pregnancy. She was hoping for one baby and the news that we are having two is a double blessing!"

Congrats to Celine and the Canadian Santy Claus! Let's all grab two bottles (because we've got two hands) and drink to that! And then drink some more since Celine can't. And then drink MORE for her twins (which I hope she names TAKE-A and Kayak), because they just won the lottery. I mean, this is Celine's backyard.

Who the fuck has Raging Waters in their backyard? Looking at that just makes me want to pee in Chlorine.

LeAnn Rimes is getting bold, because she has apparently threatened Eddie Cibrian's estranged wife, Brandi Glanville, with a lawsuit for allegedly slandering her good name and fucking with her pristine image. E! News reports that LeAnn's lawyers sent Brandi a cease and desist and if she doesn't respond within 5 days they might sue her ass. You know, it's kind of like if your toilet threatened to sue you for pissing on it. BOLD BITCH: LeAnn is doing it right.

Apparently, LeAnn doesn't appreciate Brandi saying all sorts of things about her in the press like how she was obsessed with Eddie while he was married. Among other things. A source close to LeAnn says that the cease and desist comes "after months and months of Brandi speaking about LeAnn in the press and telling lies. This is a reaction, and something she felt was necessary to do to protect herself."

But a different source says that Brandi has been playing nice with LeAnn and doesn't understand why she's suddenly shanking her in the asshole, "Brandi has been nothing but nice to LeAnn. She let her kids go to Mexico with them, and she is genuinely happy that they like her. If they didn't, then she would be upset."

LeAnn is crazy. Brandi is crazy. I mean, they are acting like cunty toddlers over a peen! Yes, the dick belongs to Eddie Cibrian, but so what (Did I just type that? Am I running a fever?). They just need to get themselves a new dick. And if they can't do that, we should just slather Eddie's peen in cheese and peanut butter, throw him in a cage with those two crazies, and let them all eat each other alive.

I bet LeAnn's gayfaced ex-husband just lifted his head out of a pair of succulent ass cheeks, haughtily laughed at this, and then stuck his tongue back in.

People Magazine confirms that 62-year-old Barbara Hershey and 41-year-old Naveen Andrews have ended their relationship after 12 years. Naveen's rep said that they flushed their love down the toilet nearly 6 months ago. Maybe Barbara got a hold of the Lost finale script and she just couldn't condone that ending.

Naveen started greasing up Barbara's thighs with his curls back in 1998. They split up briefly in 2005, and during that time he passed his peen to another woman and knocked her up. Despite the fact that Naveen fathered a love child while they were on a break, the two worked things out and got back together. And now they're done.

Naveen better pull up his panties and back the hell up, because he's about to be attacked by a mob of crazed ladies. A mob led by my mom, because after the Lost finale aired, the first thing she said to me on the phone was, "That Sayid. DAMN!" Yeah, I don't want to know what she meant by that "DAMN" either. I don't EVER want to know. My ears are dead to that "DAMN." Let's not ever speak of that "DAMN" again.

P.S. - It's Sunday, so don't ask me to solve the mystery of what is going on with Barbara Hershey's mouth area. Dimples where there shouldn't be and shit.

Charlotte Church is no longer scrubbing Gavin Henson's hair jizz out of her pillowcases, because The News of the World says they have quit each other after 5 years together. Charlotte and Gavin have two chirruns together and they barely got engaged six weeks ago. Apparently, Charlotte and Gavin are taking their genitals elsewheres, because they can't stop fighting about everything.

This is why we have genitals and mouths. When you're about to spit hate at your piece, just put your mouth on their fuck part instead. Most arguments can be resolved through 69ing. I think I read that in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus or some shit.

Anyways, a source had this to say about Charlotte and Gavin's situation, "Charlotte is very headstrong. In the end, Gav found it too much. He was blaming her for his rugby career stalling. She hated him going out drinking with mates."

For right now, Gavin and Charlotte continue to live together in Wales. Gavin is looking for a place of his own nearby so that they can raise the kids together.

This is sad news, but instead of crying into your Long Island Iced Tea just reminiscence about Charlotte and Gavin's happier times together. And by "reminiscence," I mean lick your fingers and rub your nipples to these old pictures of Gavin.

Jimmy Jump, a Spanish professional party crash who is mostly known for invading sporting events, but last night he decided to smash into the gigantic disco ball that is Eurovision.

During Spain's Cirque de Fuckery performance at last night's Eurovision finale in Norway, Jimmy Jump crashed onto the stage to join the menagerie of Nutcracker extras in bleeding raw emotion into the audience. JJ's orgasm was short-lived, because security dragged him off stage and escorted him out of the building and into a warm jail cell. Spain was able to perform a second time, but they still came in 15th. Germany won that shit.

As much as I love a wig snatcher, I have to agree that JJ deserved to be thrown into the clink. And not because he cock blocked Spain, but because he did it while wearing his t-shirt tucked into his pants. Jump out of 1981, JJ!

Here's a clip of JJ at work last night. It's nice to know that Spain took Scott MacIntyre in after he was voted off of American Idol 8.

(For Melissa)

Ruta Lee (74)
Devendra Banhart (29)
Remy Ma (29)
Cee-Lo Green (36)
Idina Menzel (39)
Wynonna Judd (46)
Tonya Pinkins (48)
Ted McGinley (52)
Jake "The Snake" Roberts (55)
Colm Meaney (57)