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Justin Bieber was supposed to crawl and goo-goo-ga-ga in a free outdoor concert in Australia this morning, but it was canceled after thousands of crazed fangirls swarmed the venue at 2 this morning. Many girls had been camping out near the arena since last night. Justin wasn't supposed to take the stage until later on in the morning, but a rumor that he had arrived early caused the fetusholics to rush the arena. One girl probably got a whiff of baby diarrhea and figured Bieber's mommy was changing him in the back. Baby diarrhea ruins everything!

Several girls were taken to the hospital after they were crushed during the chaos. About ten girls were treated at the scene after they fainted.

Justin later performed one song from the safety of a studio.

This is ridiculous. Justin Bieber is turning tween girls into lesbian-loving pedophiles! I mean, fainting over a newborn fetus?! Only OctoMom does that shit! Although, I guess it's better that they are worshiping a baby instead of having one (I think).

Here's a few pictures of Australian tweens suffering through the most devastating experience of their lives. They tried to commit mass suicide, but downing 3 Flinstones Vitamins didn't really do the trick.

Looking like the Alabama Leprechaun in a Rick James wig, Whitney Houston continued to bring people to their feet at London's O2 arena last night. However, bitches didn't stand to honor Whitney's glorious voice, they stood up so that they could bust out of there before their ears turned inside/out like Pete Doherty when you pour soap on him.

It isn't exactly news that a Whitney Houston concert is the equivalent of reading my junior high school journals (sad, painful and nauseating), but she addressed her voice issues during last night's show.

USA Today says that right after she viciously murdered I Will Always Love You, she stopped and told the audience, "She don't want to come, my soprano friend. Sometimes the old girl sings, but not tonight. I want to do it, but she doesn't want to. ... She's getting a little ... temperamental, even."

Whitney blamed it on the air conditioning in the arena, but she should've blamed it on a different kind of air: CRACK AIR. Whitney's soprano friend isn't coming back. Bitch quit Whit a long time ago. It is now happily living in the throat of a tubby Taiwanese boy with Tootie hair. It will not accept Whitney's friend request. Sadly.

If for some reason you need to the clear the room you are currently in, press play on this video of Whitney singing last night.

Somewhere in the world, a crackhead's light bulb pipe just burst.

Bret Michaels is still laid up in the ICU after suffering a major brain hemorrhage on Thursday night. Over the weekend, Bret's father said that things were looking good, but his rep immediately shot that claim down and said that his condition is still listed as: For Serious.

Yesterday morning, Bret's rep gave another update on his website:

At this point Bret remains in ICU in critical condition. He is under 24 hour doctors care and supervision. We are hopeful that further tests will locate the source of the bleeding, which has still not been located. As we all know Bret is a fighter and we are hopeful that once all is complete the slurred speech, blurred vision and dizziness, etc., will be eliminated and all functions will return to normal.

A source also tells People that Bret called for an ambulance (or an "am-boo-lance" as my chola cousin calls it) on Thursday night because he felt like he was getting "hit in the head with a baseball bat over and over again." Or hit in the head with a piece of scenery over and over again. DAMN TONYS!

You know, right after I read about Bret being in the hospital, I re-watched his accident at the Tony Awards. While skimming the comments, I found this:

This is nauseating to watch - it is ABSOLUTELY the cause of his current brain stem injury. Also, nauseating is the laughter about it. I hope his family sues the daylights out of the Tony Awards people.

I co-sign (not really). But doesn't she mean sue the spotlights out of the Tony Awards people? Most of them haven't seen daylight for YEARS!

Desperate to finally get on the cover of People, Phoebe Price reveals she has a child. - Glitter.Dust

Runners-up:

The plot thickens in Larry King's 7th divorce when photos emerge of the child he fathered with mistress Joy Behar. - jadams

The contents of Carrot Top's belly button isn't a very pretty sight. - NovaNightly

Even in disguise, poor Cinnabun still can't escape the paparazzi. - Soultonic

Source: Reddit via TDW (Thanks Craig)

Kitty Bartholomew, interior designer, knitter extraordinaire, master menu maker and a regular contributor on one my favorite talk shows ever THE HOME SHOW!

Before The View came along to terrorize our ear drums, there was a talk show on ABC called The Home Show which focused on crafts and interior design crap. In the early 90s, it was the best shit to watch whenever I was pretending to be sick while home from school.

Kitty Bartholomew was a regular on that show, and she'd teach viewers how to make lamp shades out of old purses or a full-length carpet out of scraps. I was always mesmerized by her, but mostly because her name is Kitty Bartholomew! Anybody whose name sounds like a character on Mister Rogers deserves your full attention!

Melania Trump (40)
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Channing Tatum (30)
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Tom Welling (33)
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Carol Burnett (77)

During an interview for her new album Bionic, Xtina (who is looking a little like a blonde Ann Magnuson in Glitter) flipped the bitch switch on when some dude let out a cough in the room. A quick second later, she sent him to the firing squad. Yeah, I know she was joking (sort of, kind of, not really), but she should still blame her self!

Whenever Xtina moves just a bit, thousands of bronzing powder and crusted mascara particles fly off her face and dance through the air before diving into the throat of an unsuspecting innocent person. A frog made out of foundation and bronzer jumped down that dude's throat.

Besides, Xtina shouldn't worry about catching the sicks. Bitch's face is protected by several layers of toxic chemicals, so any germ that gets near her will be eaten alive before it finds its way into her system. I saw this on the Discovery Channel.

via ONTD

via the bottom of a vodka bottle

Snooki, Snookers, Snookums... When is the little butterball pickle fucker going to learn? Radar says that while filming Jersey Shore in Miami yesterday, Snooks got into a TOTALLY STAGED fight with a dude who kept trying to get on her. The dude probably spends most of his nights in his mother's basement fapping to Oompa Loompa porn and he just wanted to live out his wildest fantasy. But Snooki didn't want to play along, so she finally threw a piece of food at his face after he didn't get the hint. And then she did the unthinkable, she threw a delicious cocktail at him. And he did the same back to her. ILLEGAL!

You don't ever EVER waste a drop of heaven's sweet nectar. It's a special gift the gods have given us. That's like punching an angel in its pussy bone. Piss in your palm and splash your enemy with that mess instead of wasting booze. Have some decency!

Even monkeys know that alcohol is for guzzling, not throwing. That's why they attack each other with their own caca nuggets. Although, in Snooki's defense most monkeys are smarter than her.

Above is a short promo for Betty White's big Saturday Night Live debut in a couple of weeks. Now, whoever is calling Betty a "cougar" on the internet needs to eat their fingers off! Betty is no cougar. Betty White shits on cougars. I'm sure there's a video on X-Tube about this if you don't believe me.

Since we're on the subject of SNL, here's my favorite moment from last night starring Gabourey Sidibe and Andy Samberg. It probably tickled me the right way, because I was under the influence of frizzante and two McDonald's apple pies.

And that's what it looks like when a Jonas Brother loses his virginity. A Jonas cherry totally has a voice like a baby unicorn.