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Pour the coffee down the drain, put the meth pipe back in your desk drawer and tell your co-worker that they don't need to inject your veins with Red Bull this morning. Who needs any of those things to take them up up and away when you can sip on this sparkling drink of elegance. Yes, you might get HPV warts on your gums and throat, but that's a small price to pay!

Here's the Empress of Lucite looking like a single strand of lavender sprouting out of an angel's asshole. Doesn't she just take your breath away? Again, it could be the genital warts in you throat blocking your windpipe, but she's still the most beautiful woman IN DA WORLD! You know this.

And somewhere in Buckingham Palace, Queen Elizabeth II is sending her styling team into a frenzy, because now they have to find a new outfit for her to wear to church on Sunday.

From the same child pimps who brought us Little Jersey Shore, here's The Hills as performed by kids! Although, The Hills that is on MTV right now IS filled with children who droll uncontrollably, leave turds in the tub, can't chew on solid foods all the way and scream for mommy in the middle of the night. Maybe Little Spencer can teach Big Spencer how to pee pee in the toilet without getting any on the bathroom floor. Probably not. Big Spencer is a lost cause.

And the little girl who plays Ceiling Eyes better win every single Emmy, Webby, Oscar, Pulitzer, Nobel Peace Prize, etc...etc...

via Warming Glow

People Magazine is blowing minds this morning with their Pandora's Box cover featuring Sandra Bullock and her brand new shiny baby friend. Yes, Sandra Bullock adopted a baby! Yes, Sandra Bullock filed for divorce! Yes, Sandra Bullock decorates her baby with a necklace I made in preschool! But one of my favorite parts of this cover is Julia Roberts chilling out in the corner like, "Don't forget about me." And then baby is throwing her shade like, "Sorry, I got this, bitch."

So the hos at People Magazine are doing the dick slappy dance this morning, because they scored a double exclusive from Sandra. Sandra has adopted a 3-month-old baby boy from New Orleans. Sandra and Vanilla Gorilla started the process about four years ago, and brought him home in January but they decided to keep Louis a secret for a while. So that explains the trash can full of caca-filled diapers outside of Sandra's house. Everybody assumed they belonged to Vanilla Gorilla. You know he's into that kinky diaper play.

Since Sandra has filed for divorce from Vanilla Gorilla, she plans on raising Louis as a single mother. Probably a good thing since I'm not sure how many school teachers will be pleased to see a kid give the Nazi salute during the Pledge of Allegiance.

The details from People:

"He's just perfect, I can't even describe him any other way," Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE, announcing that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. "It's like he's always been a part of our lives."

Bullock, 45, and husband Jesse James, 41, began the adoption process four years ago and brought Louis home in January but decided to keep the news to themselves until after the Oscars. Their close friends and family – including James's children Sunny, 6, Jesse Jr., 12, and Chandler, 15 – were essential in keeping the adoption a secret.

Then, just 10 days after the March 7 Oscars, Bullock and James separated following reports James had cheated. Bullock says she is now finalizing the adoption as a single parent.

A rep for Bullock confirms the star filed legal papers seeking to end her marriage, but declines to specify in what jurisdiction they are filed. Says Bullock of her decision to divorce: "I'm sad and I am scared."

I'm sure Sandra kept Louis a big secret, because if she spilled the baby vom back in January, people would have accused her of trying to win Oscar votes by imitating art. Nobody would've thought that (yes, they would've) unless she adopted Tyler Perry.

Unfortunately for them, Russia could see Palin as well. - Vern

Runners-up:

I know how you feel, Vlad. Lindsay Lohan's milkshake had the same effect on me, too. - MissBegotten

If you're experiencing a burning sensation on your head and it feels like you've slammed it through a ton of bricks then chances are you forgot to wear a condom when you fucked Courtney Love. You know who you are, Gavin. - starvis

After the first successful face transplant in Russian history, the recipient finds out that the face he received was Larry King's. - fleawatch

via FunPic

Edy Williams, actress, demure flower, glamour icon and rhinestone activist!

Before the Empress of Lucite, Chicken Cutlets, Johnny Weir and Jodie Marsh, there was Edy Williams, an ethereal goddess who carried the torch of elegance through most of the 90s. Edy is an actress who has starred in such prestigious and important films like Good Times, Chained Heat, Bad Girl from Mars and Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. At one time, Edy was married to director Russ Meyer. Russ couldn't handle being married to his generation's Aphrodite, so the two divorced.

Just like most A-list stars, Edy was also a defendant on The People's Court in the 80s after someone sued her because she didn't pay them for publicity work. The plaintiff was obviously not educated, because everyone knows Edy pays for everything with an air kiss. And one of her air kisses is worth at least $5 million. Okay, $500,000? Um, $500? Er, $5? Okay, okay 5 cents! But she gave him a lot of air kisses, so it fucking counts!

Below is Edy's gallery of beauty. You should be warned that some of the pictures contain a goddess nipple, so you better keep the smelling salts close. Your genitals will need to inhale them. Also, you should know that most of these sophisticated ensembles were worn at the Oscars. Sigh. Don't you miss the days when women actually dressed like refined diamonds instead of haggard hobos who beg for change in front of the supermarket?

And The Metropolitan Museum of Art better dedicate an entire costume exhibit to Edy Williams. Behold, a real lady!

Jorge Garcia (37)
Jenna Ushkowitz (24)
Jessica Alba (29)
Nate Richert (32)
Penelope Cruz (36)
Elisabeth Rohm (37)
Bridget Moynahan (39)
Too Short (44)
Kim Gordon (57)
Mary McDonnell (58)
Jay Leno (60)
Ann-Margaret (69)
Harper Lee (84)

Bret Michaels rep tells Radar that his condition has been changed from critical to stable. Don't start filming your audition video for Rock of Love Hospital just yet, because Bret's rep also said he suffered a minor setback today in his recovery from a brain hemorrhage. The doctors have diagnosed Bret with a side effect called hyponatremia that causes seizures. Bret's rep said this to People:

"Michaels remains under 24-hour observation in the ICU and is in positive spirits. He is responding well to tests and treatments. Even though today was a minor setback, doctors remain hopeful for a full recovery.

Many people are speculating Michaels's head injury suffered from a prop striking the singer at the Tony Awards last June is the cause. But for many patients with this condition, no cause is often found.

Coupled with the fact that Michaels is a lifelong Type 1 diabetic and has recently undergone emergency appendectomy surgery while on tour in San Antonio, he will remain monitored closely by his medical team to make sure no complications occur from the diabetes.

Doctors are hopeful that Bret will gradually improve as the blood surrounding the brain dissolves and is reabsorbed into his system, which can be a very painful recovery and take several weeks to months."

Yes, but is Bret flirting with nurses, doctors, orderlies, janitors, candy stripers, fellow patients and his IV pole (hey, it's a skinny bitch with two plastic bags on it)? If the answer is yes, then all will be fine in the world.

P.S. - I have no idea what he's holding in that picture. A diaphragm covered with trail mix?

Mickey Rourke had this to say about an unnamed actress who drove him crazy with her fakery: "I worked with an actress recently who, despite having a reputation as a 'good actress', shits herself when that little red light comes on. She's fooled everyone into thinking she's a lot better than she is. Working with someone like that is a pain in the ass, ya know?" (Moviehole)

In the past couple of years, Mickey Rourke has worked with: Fishsticks Paltrow, ScarJo, Megan Fox, Kelly Lynch and Natasha Lyonne to name a few.

If you do the downward dog position while clenching your ass cheeks and chanting "pain in the ass" over and over again, you will see the light followed by Fishsticks Paltrow's face. So I'll go with her.

This two first name C list reality star from one of the cable reality shows that I don't like was out of the country and needed his coke. Needed it badly. Needed it so much that a club one night he asked every person in the club for some. When he finally found someone to give him some he took the coke and his girl and walked out without even saying thanks. (CDAN)

There's nothing worse than a cokey without proper manners. I'll guess Justin Bobby from The Hills?

Our blind today deals with a very Twitter happy star. He loves the public persona but is struggling privately. His relationship will soon come to an end. He cheated with a young lady that he met on the internet. Not Michael Lohan. (BuzzFoto)

PleasebeScottBaio...PleasebeScottBaio

Matt Damon's wife Luciana, a former cocktail waitress and now the RICHEST WOMAN ALIVE (or something like that), has come down with another case of the babies for the fourth time. Matt's rep told UsWeekly that everyone in the Damon household is excited. Yes, anticipating the sweet and sour scent of wet newborn caca is really exciting.

Matt and Luciana have a 3-year-old Isabella and a 21-month-old Gia. Luciana has an 11-year-old, Alexia, daughter from a previous dude.

I honestly thought Luciana already a tenant in her womb. She's like permanently pregnant. And since she's knocked up, that means Jennifer Garner isn't far behind. Matt and Ben's sperm fishes are synchronized.

And since Matt and Luciana might be hoping for boy, I decided to visit my favorite treasure trove of wisdom to see what others had to say about conceiving a dude. This is what someone said:

Theoretically, boy sperm is lighter than girl sperm and they swim faster, so u can try having him ejacuate as close to the cervix as possible, i would reccomend doggy style. l0l this isnt gonna guarantee you a boy but hey no harm in trying.

Thank the fuck I'm not a woman (keep your lips shut!), because I would've popped out three dozen boys by now.

That's not a sweat stain on CoCo's pit. That wet spot is from the tears of the angels above weeping at her beauty - Hollywood Tuna

Sam Taylor-Wood is living Vadge's wet dream - Lainey Gossip

Good news for Lindsay Lohan, she isn't HIV positive - The Superficial

Olivia Munn's nekkid ass nekkid body will save the elephants - Egotastic!

Please tell me the graphic nude scene Alexander Skarsgard shot was with Lafayette - Towleroad

Okay, Adrianne Curry, okay (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

ScarJo wearing one of Lily Tomlin's suits from Big Business to the Iron Man 2 premiere - Popoholic

Unbreak my camel toe - Celebitchy

Jessica Wild loves Red Bull and other facts from Drag Race - New Now Next Blog

The Vatican might approve of Xtina doing ho shit in a church if her back-up dancers were all 11-year-old altar boys - Just Jared

Who cares about the bra, Brit Brit and her true love, a Venti Frapp, are back together again - Popsugar

Techno parrot - Cityrag

Boo. Conan O'Brien is not coming back to NYC - ICYDK

Dancing with the Dusty Flea Market Wigs - SOW

Posh window shopping at the grocery store - Hollywood Rag

The walking bronzer stick with a fat ass leaving some restaurant - I'm Not Obsessed

Kerry Katona's mother is as naturally beautiful as her daughter - Holy Moly!