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I finally know why Lady Gaga exists! She was put on this planet to write "Telephone" and record it so that these U.S. soldiers stationed in Afghanistan could spread the glitter to it in the video above.

My favorite is the ginger thrusting his everything like he's trying to woo Bin Laden out of a cave. That ginge is the REAL Sexual Napalm. Boom.

And it's all fun and sparkles until they all get DISCHARGED. I'm joking. If anything, they should all get ranked up for this.

UPDATE: They got shy and made the video private, but you can watch it over at Gawker.

via The Daily What

If you stopped caring about this story two snaps after it broke, just focus on Apollonia's bodacious titty area in the picture above.

Jenna Jameson and her husband Tito Ortiz have backed away from the allegations they both made on Monday. Jenna claimed she suffered two torn ligaments after Baby Huey tossed her into a tub. Baby Huey claimed Jenna was cracked out on OxyContin at the time. Well, now lawyers for both sides have labeled it a "misunderstanding."

Jenna says: "What actually happened has now been dramatically distorted and misinterpreted and remarks that both Tito and I made after the police arrived reflect the state of shock that we were both in."

Baby Huey is now saying that he should've never accused Jenna of being high on OxyContin. He jumped to conclusions after finding two pills in the house.

A source tells TMZ that Baby Huey would've lost his UFC contract worth millions of dollars if he was charged with domestic abuse.

Baby Huey and Jenna can kindly take their bows now and exit stage left. CURTAIN DOWN. Then they need to use some of their millions to buy a handful of clues. Shit, while they're at it, they should buy me one too. Obviously, I need one since I've been posting about them over and over again during the past few days. Wait, can I trade my clue in for those two OxyContin pills?

Which actress may have big love for her athlete boyfriend but is keeping her options open behind the scenes? She’s been spotted getting cozy with her playboy ex at several L.A. parties. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

Yeah, I figured the "big love" meant it's either Chloe Sevigny or Ginnifer Goodwin, but neither of them are dating athletes. So I'll guess either Rihanna (I hope not) or Hayden Pannatroll and her ex Milo Ventimiglia? How that Travelocity gnome keeps getting hot dick is beyond me.

Which pop star is trying to keep an old home-made sex tape from surfacing on the internet? (Popbitch)

Tom Jones!

This creeping towards A list movie actor, who looks about 16, is enjoying his new status a lot. This actor would probably never get a date if not for his career. He certainly wouldn't be able to pass around coke like party favors or get to snort it off the breasts of women like he did last night at a party. (CDAN)

If this read "ass cheeks of men" instead of "breasts of women" I'd go with Taylor Lautner.

This Vegetarian star is in a relationship with someone not too supportive of her lifestyle. He bragged to friends he loves finding ways of secretly slipping meat into her meals without her knowledge. Not Pam Anderson. (BuzzFoto)

I'm not sure about this one, because how is he getting meat past her lips (not like that)? Most vegetarians I know can sniff meat from a million miles away. That said, I'm really hoping this is Natalie Portman.

This A list movie actor is supposed to be sober. (He isn't). He is also supposed to be happily married which is why it was very surprising to see him take an escort into his hotel room yesterday afternoon. (CDAN)

Ben Affleck? And that wasn't an escort, it was his sponsor! Yes, that excuse was snatched from Charlie Sheen's pocket.

Brit Brit Spears is obviously taking hair styling tips from Sunset Daze's Gail - The Superficial

At least Ellen Degeneres could focus on Chestica Simpson's chest area while trying not to vom from smelling her nasty unbrushed teeth- Egotastic!

Colin Farrell is still with Alicja Bachleda. Is this a record? - Lainey Gossip

Kim Kardashian is 10lbs of foundation in a 5lb jar - Hollywood Tuna

Only the finest of beauties for Pauly D and Vinnie (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Arizona Iced Tea hates Arizona - Towleroad

Since when does "most" mean "least"? - Celebitchy

Heather Graham looks hot, despite it looking like her nipple is leaking berry shit - Popoholic

Gerard Butler or top daddy trolling for some chicken? That's a trick question - Just Jared

Maddox riding through the waves of Jennifer Aniston's desperation - Popsugar

Best when watched while stoned - OMG Blog

Kate Hudson's new chichis are shy - ICYDK

Mark McGrath is a father again - I'm Not Obsessed

It's raining legs, tucks and cracks - Cityrag

Katherine Hagel getting her nails done and forcing manicurists to double up on the face masks - Hollywood Rag

What is going on here exactly? - Holy Moly!

(Image via Fame)

I'm all for finding a person in the world who loves nothing more than to cuddle up on your genitals, but YOUR OWN ABUELITA?!

This story is as uncomfortable as a sex nightmare about one of your relatives. Meet 72-year-old Pearl of Indiana and her 26-year-old biological grandson Phil. They are in love and they are having a child together via a surrogate. From New Zealand's New Idea:

Pearl Carter is positively glowing with joy. She has a handsome new boyfriend, is enjoying an active sex life after many years of celibacy and, amazingly, is preparing to become a mother again.

But the retired grandmother isn't carrying the baby herself. She and her young lover have spent a staggering $54,000 hiring a surrogate to help them with their dreams of having a child.

What makes Pearl's decision to become a mum again even more shocking is that her new boyfriend is her biological grandson, 26-year-old Phil Bailey.

Phil is the son of Pearl's daughter Lynette Bailey, and the pair is braving public horror and even prison by breaking one of the last taboos – incest.

However, the pair makes no apologies for their controversial plan to start their own family.

'I'm not interested in anyone else's opinion,' Pearl says. 'I am in love with Phil and he's in love with me. Soon I'll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad'.

Phil adds, 'I love Pearl with all my heart. I've always been attracted to older women and I think Pearl is gorgeous. Now I'm going to be a dad and I can't wait.

Phil and Pearl didn't meet until he was 18-years-old. Pearl gave Phil's mother up for adoption shortly after she had her. Phil didn't try to find Pearl until his mother died of brain cancer. Phil sent Pearl a letter which led to them meeting face to face. Pearl describes how her dry desert of a vagina filled with lady jizz when she first laid eyes on Phil:

From the first moment that I saw him, I knew we would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship,' Pearl remembers happily. 'For the first time in years I felt sexually alive.'

Phil admits that he had the same feelings towards Pearl.

'I wanted to kiss her there and then,' he says. 'My feelings were overwhelming.'

The pair spent the first week shopping, bowling and eating out. During the second week, giggly on wine after a night out, Pearl decided she wasn't going to deny her feelings anymore

Confused, Pearl talked to a friend, who told her about an article she'd read on Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), which occurs when close relatives meet as adults and are attracted to each other.

'I could now understand my feelings and realize they weren't wrong,' Pearl says.

Pearl and Phil have been together since 2006. A year ago they decided to use Pearl's retirement money to hire a surrogate to carry their child. Pearl says, "I am finally going to be a mum and not forced to give up my child. Phil's going to be a great dad. I never in a million years thought at 72 I'd be "pregnant" and in love with my grandson. I make no apologies and I believe God's given me a second chance."

I'm trying not to judge, but grandmas are supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chankla! They aren't supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chocha! Grandmas are supposed to serve you a warm apple fritter on a cold day. They aren't supposed to serve you a piece of their lukewarm crotch fritter! Grandmas should have a name like Pearl. They shouldn't lick their dentures in ecstasy when you give them a pearl necklace. You should get your grandmother a cotton robe on Mother's Day. You shouldn't get your grandmother crotchless panties for Mother's Day!

If this story was a paint color, it's name would be: EVERY SHADE OF WRONG.

With that being said, I awkwardly congratulate these two. I also thank them for giving me a reason to fire up the bong early. Thank you.

(Thanks to Chessa too)

So I'm over at the Daily Mail looking at a few pictures from the Bent On Learning benefit in NYC last night when BAM! This precious portrait hit me like a hug from Aretha Franklin's chichis. The photographer caught Fishsticks Paltrow in the perfect GOOP moment! She looks like an emaciated alien fish who is waaaay too pleased with herself. This is perfection.

Unfortunately, her face is normal-ish looking in the other pictures. So just file this under "a shooting star." This picture is like a wink from God letting us all know that he feels us. I'm totally going to blow it up and hang it over my bed so that when I wake up in the morning I will be reminded that the world is filled with beautiful gifts. You just have to search photo agencies to find them.

Here's more pictures from last night including some of Vadge (who is obviously storing virgin balls in her cheeks for the summer) and Lourdes.

In order to shoot down the accusation from Tito Ortiz that she's slobbering at the mouth for OxyContin, Jenna Jameson got drug tested at the American Toxicology Inc. in Las Vegas on Tuesday. TMZ says that Jenna's pee pee (that's the exact medical term, by the way) tested negative for Oxycodone, cocaine, marijuana and meth. Jenna says that this proves Tito is making up lies to protect himself.

Shortly after Baby Huey was arrested for allegedly throwing Jenna into a bath tub, he claimed she was hopped up on OxyContin. Baby Huey denied he got violent on her ass and tried to make it sound like she stumbled into the tub on her own.

Jenna's lawyer said this after the test results came back negative: "The lab tests clearly exonerate Jenna Jameson of any hint, iota, or suggestion that she ingested or was under the influence of any opiates or controlled substances. Statements made by anyone to the contrary are completely impeached by the results from this prestigious testing facility."

I've been throwing a "who to believe" side-eye at this entire situation, but Jenna's lawyer has convinced me to go sit in her corner. Just drop the word "prestigious" and I'm all yours. Although, I wish he would've used the word "prestidigiousous" instead. "Prestidigiousous" is the word one of my chola cousins uses to describe something she thinks is real nice. Example: "Damn, those white tips are prestidigiousous."

I'm not making this up. Everyone knows "prestidigiousous" is way more prestigious than "prestigious."

You know what? I'm just going to make like the white pussy in this video and close my eyes until Santy Claus is done with whatever he's doing. You're on your own.

via Videogum (Thanks Sam)

That's the ridiculous shit Lindsay Lohan Tweeted to a person yesterday who said her photo shoot with Tyler Shields looks like soft-core porn. Yes, Lindsay called this shit "art." If there was a Museum of Crackies, then this would be considered art. It'd be called "The State Of Lindsay Lohan's Career."

And who in masturbating on a chalk outline Hell thinks this is soft-core porn? Seriously, that bitch must be watching soft-core porn on TruTv, because there's nothing sessy about this mess. Just wrap all these pictures up with crime scene tape and send them to the morgue.

Below is the video from Lindsay's shoot. If you regularly jack off to police blotters, then you'll love this.

If Joan Crawford rose from the dead, ate a truck full of bootleg testosterone tablets from Tijuana and injected her labia lips with gamma radiation, she would turn into CHYNA! Because just like Joan Crawford, Chyna's weapon of choice is a mighty WIRE HANGER!!!!!! Millions of plastic, satin and wooden hangers just breathed a giant sigh of relief.

A lady named Gabriela Targos tells TMZ that Chyna almost put her in a coffin after beating her ass in a motel room. It all started when Chyna called up Gabriela on Saturday night and asked her to come "hang out" with her. And by "hang out," I mean "do lines of meth off Chyna's shaft."

When Gabriela showed up to the motel, she says Chyna greeted her by giving her an ass beating even Chris Brown would flinch at. Gabriela went on to say that Chyna punched her in the face, dragged her by the hair and whooped her with a wire hangar. Gabriela managed to get away and she filed a report with the police. No arrest have been made and Chyna didn't comment on this mess.

Gabriela says she has no idea what set Chyna off.

Something in the leche ain't clean about this. Unless Gabriela has skin made out of silicone, wouldn't she be covered with bruises and shit. Wouldn't that be enough for the police to arrest Chyna? I mean, I know most officers are hesitant about approaching Chyna seeing as though she can lift and toss a car with her clitorpeen, but they would bring in proper reinforcements. Like Khloe Kardashian. Not since Godzilla vs. King Kong...