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Katie Holmes will play Jackie Kennedy opposite Greg Kinnear as John. F Kennedy and Barry Pepper as Robert Kennedy in The History Channel's 8-hour-long miniseries called the......(get ready to fall out of your head) THE KENNEDYS! With Katie as Jackie it should really be called The Aristocrats!

Tom Wilkinson has also signed on to play Joe Kennedy Sr.

The History had this to say for themselves (via Variety):

"When History announced this ambitious project in December, our goal was A-list auspices behind and in front of the camera. We could not be more pleased that these incredibly talented actors have agreed to sign on to the miniseries."

A-list auspices?! More like A-list asspieces. Okay, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on Stepford Katie. Maybe Tommy Girl will upload Jackie's White House tour to Katie's hard drive and she will actually pull this off. But even thinking about Katie imitating Jackie's voice is making me want to cover my head with a sweater like Little Edie.

The family of 22-year-old murder victim David Morales Colón opted not to display his body in a coffin during his wake, and instead they asked the funeral director at Marin Funeral Home in San Juan, Puerto Rico to prop him on a Honda motorcycle his uncle bought for him. And now he's speeding down the freeway in heaven WITHOUT a helmet on. Good going, Marin Funeral Home.

By the way, this is the same funeral home that granted a young dude's wish by standing his body upright during his 3-day wake.

You know, maybe the Colón family has the right idea. We should all be buried doing what we love most. Shauna Sand will be buried in a giant lucite heel, Tiger Woods will be buried with a cocktail waitress' crotch on his face, Ashton Kutcher will be buried licking the Twitter app on his Blackberry, and I'll be buried sitting on the sofa in torn chonies with a Big Gulp cup filled with Strawberry Hill in one hand.

via Autoblog (Thanks M.E.)

At tonight's London premiere of The Back-Up Plan, JLo decided to reach for the stars with her hair (since her career is doing the opposite) by paying homage to Marge Simpson. Although, Marge is way more hung than JLo.

Some of you might look at JLo's hive and see a lovely home for a mother bird to feed worms to her young in, but I see a giant piece of pan dulce. Seriously, sprinkle some sugar on that mess and my abuelita will devour it with a cup of Sanka con leche.

Stupid ass Olivia Munn possibly wearing leather boots to a Peta event... Wait, do I spy a delicious Fatburger in the background?! - The Superficial

Billy Goat Brad and Johnny Depp must be fighting over the title role in the Unabomber movie, right? - Lainey Gossip

Glamour Magazine somehow downsized ScarJo's titty area - Egotastic!

And then cup of ice cream barfed all over itself (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The Catholic church is not okay with Marky Mark kissing another man onscreen, but they are okay with him playing a coked up porn whore in a movie. Makes sense - Towleroad

There has to be pictures of Megan Fox tripping on her long ass sweats - Hollywood Tuna

You can't tell from People's cover this week, but Julia Roberts is the Most Beautiful Person alive, not Baby Louis B - Celebitchy

Lizzy Caplan giving us an "Ow My Ass Sore" pose in Complex - Popholic

Does this mean the next Twatlight movie will feature a musical sequence with Taylor Lautner and a bunch of dancing wolves? - Just Jared

Either Ginnifer Goodwin just came out of the Heidi Montag plasticized factory or this isn't her - ICYDK

The new and NOT improved Sienna Miller house shopping with her ball and chain - Popsugar

You know you'd let a bitch taste your cake for a box of TastyKakes - OMG Blog

"I don't need to see that" - Aunt Sassy and me commenting on these pictures - I'm Not Obsessed

Every trick in Hollywood has had their nose rotated - Cityrag

Does one of the side effects for Valtrex include swelling boobs? - Hollywood Rag

Bobby Brown is not dead, so we have to come up with another reason for why Whitney Houston sounds like a walrus in mourning - Crunk + Disorderly

And here we have a still from Xtina's new video "Not Myself Tonight", which will premiere on Skinemax and every motel porn channel this Friday.

You know, I can already hear people screaming about how she's copying Lady Gaga, Madonna and Wendy O. Williams. I'll give them Wendy O, but not Caca and Vadge.

First of all, Vadge was not the first bitch to lick milk out of a bowl. CATS WERE! When her "Express Yourself" video came out, did I hear hos screaming about how she needed to send a cut of her profits to the feline community? No.

Second of all, Caca was not the first trick to cover her body with latex. I'm pretty sure kinky ass Larry King wore a latex bodysuit during his S&M sessions with Nefertiti back in the day.

Anyway, here's a short clip from XXXtina's "Not Myself Tonight Or Ever" video. If you can't see the player, blame your company's porn controls.

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice sat down with the Abominable Wigman this morning to discuss all sorts of glittery things, and of course his arch rival's name was brought up.

Wendy Williams read a cuntified quote from Evan Lysacek about Johnny Weir not being asked to participate in Stars on Ice. In case you can't watch the video above, here's the quote from Likesdadick:

"'Stars on Ice' is really selective of who they hire and they only hire the best of the best to skate. It would’ve been hard of them to justify hiring him, and I think he was really upset because he wanted the financial benefit of the tour. A lot of us in the skating world were really disappointed in the way he reacted, basically whining that he wasn’t chosen."

Johnny, who was dressed like a fancy Russian lesbian going to a bris, responded by saying that he has never been asked to do Stars on Ice, and it's not a problem for him. Johnny believes that everybody made a big deal out of him not participating because he was the Miss Congeniality of the Olympics. Johnny then called Evan a "slore."

Hm. Is Evan a slore? Before we answer that, let's brush up on the official meaning of "slore" from the most accurate dictionary in the world: Urban Dictionary. According to UD, this one of the definitions of "slore":

The combining of a "slut" and "Whore". Usually in terms of a real trick ass bitch, who can't keep dick out her mouth/puss/rectum.

"Yo that bitch ain't nuttin but a mudda'fuckin' Slore"

Cut to Evan making a guilty face while a dick is in his mouth, puss and rectum. On that note, we're not going to fight you on that one, Johnny.

And if you need more Johnny in your life today, here he is spreading the sparkly icicles to Lady Caca's "Bad Romance." If you really want to make this an extra magical viewing experience, turn the volume down and play the theme song for "The Neverending Story" instead.

Don't you feel like you're riding through Fantasia on Falcor's back?

Kate Hudson usually gives me cotton mouth, but she's actually moisturizing my chops here.

Wearing a cape from Cache's "Ode to Dominique Deveraux" collection, Kate POSED FOR HER LIFE at last night's NYC premiere of The Killer Inside Me. The killer inside Kate commanded her to murder camera lenses with her posing skills, because she laid it on thick. Incontinent drag queens on Ecstasy ain't got shit on Kate.

Here's more of Kate mugging and bugging at last night's premiere with her co-star The Ghost Of Crib Skirts Past.

Obviously, you know I love hearing about all that dirty filthy gossip shit, but even some things should be saved for the psychiatrist's sofa in HELL. Case in point: Radar (via Page Six) says that Larry King is basically a swinger. Nurse, just stick the IV drip directly into our brains.

One of Larry King's many ex-wives says that he doesn't care that his wife Shawn Southwick is screwing other men, because he's getting it on with other women. Like her own sister.

Larry's ex Julia Alexander King said, "Larry told me they both knew that each of them had others in their lives. I never asked him and he never told me who his 'other' was, but he knew Shawn was having an affair with the baseball coach. She practically flaunted it. He is a wonderful man in every area of his life except marriage. He just doesn't have a moral compass when it comes to women."

Julia never said that Larry King goes to swingers parties, but she still planted that nightmarish image into my head. Just imagine Larry slithering around on a bed of naked women like a hungry Chuckwalla. When Larry's beady eyes spot a clitoris, his tongue jumps out like a lizard catching a fly. Just.....no.

Vanilla Gorilla, who is fresh out of sex rehab, has something to say about Sandra Bullock divorcing his ass and raising a baby by herself. VG's statement is long, but the short version is: "Attention all tattooed whores who get wet at the mention of Mein Kampf, the line forms to the left!"

And here's the complete version courtesy of Sandra Bullock Weekly (aka People Magazine):

"My whole life has been full of hard decisions.

The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own, has been the hardest. The love I have for Louis cannot be put to words. Not having him around to love and to hold has left a huge hole in my heart.

Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go. Right now it is time for me to beat this addiction that has taken two of the things I love the most in life.

I have always taken great pride in proving people wrong. That time has come once again to show that I am not what everyone says I am. I know in my heart that I can be the best father possible to my four children, and the mate Sandy deserves, and realize that this is an incredible mountain to climb. But I believe that the steps I have taken in the last 30 days are the foundation for making this happen. The lifelong commitment I am making is what being a real husband and father is all about.

I ask that you please do not judge Sandy for the things I have done. She has done no wrong. She played no part in any of this. She has been an amazing wife, mother, and best friend, for the over 6 years we have been together."

Let Sandra end their marriage? Now I know he means that he's not contesting the divorce, but his choice of words make it sound like he's expecting Sandra to send him a teddy bear holding a heart-shaped "thank you" card. I really doubt Sandra send him an eVite that read, "Will you let me divorce you?"

It sort of reminds me of the time I caught a boyfriend cybersexing (it was the late 90s) with a bunch of bottom bitch whores all over the country. I changed his AOL (again, late 90s) password and security question, and then told all of his internet sluts to go cyber eat a different cyber dick. Well, bitch retaliated by throwing all my shit into the hallway of our apartment building when I wasn't home. When I got home that night, my stuff was everywhere in the hallway. My Barbie, my Tickle Me Elmo, my bag of flavored lubes...EVERYTHING!

Just when I was about to storm into the apartment to curse his ass out, he strolled out of the front door and said, "I packed for you. You're welcome." Before I could beat him in the face with Elmo (his cries of pain mixed with Elmo's cackle would've been sweet music to my ears), he looked me in the eye and said in a serious tone, "I saved you a lot of time." He later told me that he seriously felt he was doing me a favor by taking all my stuff out of the drawers for me. Bitch was, is and forever will be crazy.

I mean, I had to do the walk of shame to my car while holding a fucking Barbie. And not any Barbie, but a Cheerleader Barbie! Honestly, I wouldn't have been as mortified if it was a different kind of Barbie. Cheerleader Barbie? Embarrassing!

So fuck you, Vanilla Gorilla! Take my Cheerleader Barbie and shove it up your ass!

Pour the coffee down the drain, put the meth pipe back in your desk drawer and tell your co-worker that they don't need to inject your veins with Red Bull this morning. Who needs any of those things to take them up up and away when you can sip on this sparkling drink of elegance. Yes, you might get HPV warts on your gums and throat, but that's a small price to pay!

Here's the Empress of Lucite looking like a single strand of lavender sprouting out of an angel's asshole. Doesn't she just take your breath away? Again, it could be the genital warts in you throat blocking your windpipe, but she's still the most beautiful woman IN DA WORLD! You know this.

And somewhere in Buckingham Palace, Queen Elizabeth II is sending her styling team into a frenzy, because now they have to find a new outfit for her to wear to church on Sunday.