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Kathy Griffin got a poolside pap smear today to raise awareness about cervical cancer and the cameras caught all of it for her reality show My Life on the D-List. Cue her mother screaming: "Goddammit, Kathleen, the whole world doesn't need to know your goddamn cervix by face! Jeeesus Christ!"

In addition to the cervix party by the pool, Kathy also got an Edward Cullen necklace on her bikini line afterwards (I refuse to call it "vajazzling").

So if you happen to be swimming in that same pool this weekend and come across cervix lint*, you now know where it came from.

And I'm honestly surprised that Tyra Banks didn't think of this first! TyTy's vagina was made for a televised pap smear.

*I have no idea what cervix lint is.

Ke¢ha on a skit she'd like to do on Saturday Night Live tomorrow night:

"But one idea was someone recently told me I smell like shrimp in a diaper, so I thought I could do a perfume skit about me with my eau de perfume being a shrimp in a diaper. It's very sensual."

Does this trick hang out in the NYC subways for most of August, because that's exactly what it reeks like down there. And in somewhere in the world, Terrence Howard's nostrils just exploded.

Source (Thanks John)

Which singer took so much ketamine at a party she ended up taking off all her clothes? (Popbitch)

Ke$ha, but let's not assume she was snorting cat zzzzs powder. Maybe who ever was throwing the party wanted everyone to get the hell out, so he told Ke$ha to get naked. That's one way of clearing a room.

This actress always talks about how much she loves her body, and how hard she works to keep in shape. She talks about how proud she is to have a dancer’s body – lean and strong. We hear though, that she became very sensitive about the constant teasing from an ex-boyfriend about how boyish her body was. He even gave her the nickname Flatsy. So, approximately nine days ago, she had that situation amended. Nothing extreme, but definitely some added curves where none existed before. When asked about it, she denies having any plastic surgery, and says that her figure looks less boy-like because she’s been working really hard on narrowing her waist and rounding out her butt with special exercises. She almost has us fooled. Not. (Blind Gossip)

Kate Hudson? A-Roidy would think the nickname "Flatsy" is hilariously creative. I know, this coming from a bitch who calls Prince Harry Prince Hot Ginge.

This very aging, fantastic actor who has had some great roles in great movies, but has never really been more than B- list, was caught by flight attendants while he was, umm being handled by his assistant on a recent flight. (CDAN)

Ian McKellen? And his assistant was only trying to get his circulation going. His peen goes numb during long flights.

This Academy Award winner/nominee actress recently sold her wedding ring to pay off gambling debts of one of her children. She told her A list movie actor husband she had lost the ring because he told her not to help this child anymore who she had with another celebrity. (CDAN)

Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas (A for Antonio)? I wonder if Melanie used Cash4Gold?

In what I'm hoping is going to become an ongoing series, Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs tackles the dirty job of giving a dramatic reading of Tiger Woods' dirty filthy sext messages.

If every time you threw a penny into a fountain you wished that one day your ears will have the pleasure of hearing Mike Rowe whisper the words, "You're my fucking whore. So when can I have that ass again?," then your wish has finally come true. You now have a ring tone for everything! Who needs to set their cell phones to vibrate when Mike Rowe's voice can rock you gently.

Okay, enough with the foreplay! Take off your pants, gently fold them over a chair and press play:

Pic via Flickr - Video via Popeater

And by "as you've never seen her before," I really mean as you've only seen her. Seriously, will somebody clap at Kim Kardassian and tell her to get up off the floor and put on some damn clothes already. The world is not her nudist colony. The minute we go back to the cave man days where everybody ran around the land practically naked, she'll be the first to know.

Anytheroomsuddenlysmellslikepissscentedfarts, here's Kim Kardassian naked and unretouched in Harper's Bazaar. Kim says that she decided to go sans Photoshop to show all the young "curvy" girls out there to be proud of their natural bodies. Says the bitch who has enough motor oil (or whatever) in her face to fill up a dozen cars at Jiffy Lube.

Here's Kim:

On being a curvy role model: "I feel proud if young girls look up to me and say, 'I'm curvy, and I'm proud of it now."

On having big bitties as a kid: "I was wearing a C cup by the time I was 11. I would go to bed and pray, 'Please, Lord, don't let my boobs grow any bigger. I hated what was happening."

On her supposedly free-range and organic ass: "I'm Armenian. It's normal. My butt is probably not as big as you might think, because I have small legs and a small waist, which makes it appear bigger."

Now I'm not saying that Kim isn't Photoshopped (Yish, I am), but I am saying that she's probably covered with buckets of bronzer and foundation. Zac Efron is going to be pissed when he goes into MAC for the usual and they tell him that Kim wiped them out. Better go rub your face on Kim's ass, Zac.

Mimi continues to go for gold in the Spanx Olympics - Lainey Gossip

Spencer Pratt shouldn't even, because soon the only booking he'll be able to get is a Tijuana donkey show - The Superficial

Speaking of donkey shows... - Hollywood Tuna

Candice Swanepoel in GQ South Africa - Egotastic!

Is Johnny Weir trying to tell us that his autobiography will feature a lot hot glittery gay sex? - Towleroad

Amanda Seyfriend and her dog share another beautiful intimate moment together (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Womb Watch: Jennifer Garner might have the BABIES!!! - Celebitchy

Is this picture of ScarJo from her junior high school yearbook in the early 90s? - Popoholic

The luckiest white t-shirt in California - Popsugar

Wentworth Miller finally broke out of prison and went straight to the buffet - Just Jared

Can we get Chris Hansen to Quantum Leap to 1980s Canada so he can handle this pervy ass perv - OMG Blog

I still would...on a bed of butter - SOW

Crystal Bowersox almost quit American Idol, because she really couldn't go on without Paula's crackery to take her higher - ICYDK

And then the seal bit her ear off - Cityrag

Pamela Anderson's tits are fully covered. Mark this day in history... - Hollywood Rag

Gonorrhea for your ears - Popbytes

If you watched The Real Housewives of NYC last night, you most likely didn't sleep that well because you were afraid that Ramona's eyes would make an appearance in your nightmares to eat your soul alive!!!!

During last night's episode, Ramona took to the runway as though the spirit of STAINS jumped in her body. But instead of focusing on a tray of delicious cupcakes, Ramona was probably hypnotized by a tray of white wine spritzers. A crazy after our own heart.

Ramona's eyes and Kelly's "at war" chichis should really star in a science-fiction horror movie together.

Kiefer Sutherland was photographed running drunk and shirtless through the streets of London last night after being ejected from a strip club. The above is not a picture from last night, but Kiefer looked just like that sans the delicate pink flower growing out of his peen hole. Sadly, there were no flowers last night.

The Sun says that it all started out pretty mellow for Kiefer. He had a couple of bottles of wine with a friend at the bar of The Covent Garden Hotel. At around 2am, Kiefer had the choice to either retire to his room and pass out on his bed, or continue the boozery by visiting a pussy shaking club. Since Charlie Sheen is in rehab and one teen idol from the 80s must represent fuckery at all times, Kiefer chose the latter.

Kiefer showed up at Stringfellows Gentlemen Club at 2am and a source said he "went bananas, shouting nonsense and dancing like Peter Crouch before kicking off when asked to leave."

In case you don't know what the Peter Crouch dance is, here you go. It's kind of like a fluid version of the Suri Dance.

He was escorted out of the club by security at around 3:30am. He sat in the back of his car for 30-minutes until he eventually stumbled back to his hotel.

No Christmas trees were murdered, and no fashions designers were headbutted, so if you ask me it was a pretty good night for Kief.

This is some Lardass from Stand By Me shit! Meet 21-year-old Matthew Clemmens who was arrested after he projectile vomited all over an off-duty cop and his 11-year-old daughter at a Phillies game on Wednesday. It probably tasted better than the sauerkraut on their hot dogs. Sorry.

USA Today says the barf started brewing when Matthew's friend was kicked out of the stadium after Police Capt. Michael Vangelo complained to security about their drunktard ways which included cursing and spitting at people. When Matthew's friend was escorted out of the place, he retaliated by putting his tubby ass fingers down his throat and barfing all over Capt. Michael and his daughter. Capt. Michael said, "It was the most vile, disgusting thing I've ever seen, and I've seen the Mini-Me sex tape!" No, he didn't say that last part.

It gets barfier. When police arrived to arrest Matthew, he ralphed on another officer. In addition to attacking the officers with the insides of his stomach (which probably smelled like a house on Hoarders) Matthew also punched a couple of cops.

Matthew is currently in jail on charges including assault and harassment.

If I had a heart, I'd throw it out to that 11-year-old girl, because she is traumatized for life. She won't ever be able to watch Star Wars without interruptions again. Every time Jabba the Hutt comes on the screen, she'll scream while running for the nearest shower. Why oh why does Matthew have to look like Jabba with a wig on?

And there's some good news for Matthew. Once the other inmates hear why he's locked up, they will stay away from his mouth at all costs. Even jailed criminals don't like vom on the peen.

Well, I guess Amy Wino didn't need to get her plastic titty sacks taken out after all, because they accompanied her to the May Fair Hotel in London last night. Wino left the hotel at 4 in the morning looking broke off and dozed off. Basically, like the Wino we all know and love like the last drop of Andre in our plastic cup. Although...Wino does look a tiny bit different here.

Not only do her lips look like two albino slugs side-fucking each other, but she also has a precious cholita tear drop under her eye. I'm sure it looked a little fresher earlier in the night, because here it looks like someone hit a tick on her cheek with a rolled up magazine. On second thought, it probably isn't a cholita tear drop. It probably is a dead tick.