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And "I'd hit it with a chilled fire extinguisher" answers need not apply! Here's Olympic gold medalist Shaun White ejaculating lighter fluid all over his flaming snowboard for the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

If Billy Mays ricocheted down from heaven, grabbed Carrot Top, wrung the roid juice out of him, scrubbed the skank stain off his skin using sandpaper covered in OxiClean, and then switched his face with Frances McDormand's (pause - breath - pause) the finished product would look just like Shaun White. So yeah, I'd hit it.

Don't look now, but here comes PETA again trying to kill a bitch's good time. PETA has called for Knut's nuts on a silver platter, because the former child star of the Berlin Zoo has been getting a little too sexy with a female polar bear who goes by the name of (read this in a light whisper) Giovanna. Yup, it's always a Giovanna. Trouble-making tramp.

PETA's resident polar bear expert (who got the title after eating an entire box of Klondike bars) says that Knut and Giovanna should not be allowed to rub genitals, because they are first cousins. Cue the entire Spears family saying, "SO!?"

The expert explained, "Any offspring would threaten the genetic diversity of the polar bear population in Germany and risk exposing the bear couple to a condition known as 'incest depression.' Knut fans need to know that only Knut's castration would allow a long life together with Giovanna."

You know what's worse than incest depression? Not having a fucking nutsack! My own dog will never forgive me for that one. I see the shank eye he gives me when he's licking the area where his pride and joy used to be. Whenever he walks into the room while I'm changing, I have to cover up my down low goods really fast or else he'll think that I'm teasing him. Sad. I should really look into getting him testicle implants. Back to Knut's nuts!

Can't they just put Giovanna on the pill? Or give Knut condoms? Or make him swear on a block of ice that he'll pull out and cum on her bear cheeks (we know how that works)? Ugh. The Spears or the Cyrus family should really take Giovanna and Knut in. They understand.

via The Awl

This mainly famous for television actor used to be B list. I guess he is C list now. His fault really. Not because of acting but because of something else he did. Anyway, he is supposed to be and claims to be on the straight and narrow but that doesn't appear to be the case. Last week he jumped at the chance to hit on an underage girl and in a second episode offered another girl coke to have sex with him. (CDAN)

When I read this, I immediately felt a pain in my chest. No, it wasn't from the 3 microwave taquitos I had for lunch. You only experience a pain like that when Andy Dick gropes you without asking first. So because of this, I'm going with Andy Dick even though it's probably not him. Andy doesn't do "straight and narrow." Well, he wouldn't do it without lubing it up first. Okay, he still would. He would just spit on his palm.

This actor, who is trying to revive a slowed-down career through a network show actually thinks he is finally back on his way to fame. He allegedly got the part to begin with by sleeping with the wife of a network executive so that she’d put a good word in, and he’s willing to do anything to be back in the limelight again. He decided that at a recent event with other celebrities, he would try and glad-hand and network as much as possible. A little kissing up never hurts right? Not in this case. The actor went up to a B-list actress and thought he’d compliment her on her dress. As he was making a polite remark, he brushed the fabric on her dress and somehow ended up pulling her top down. (We’re not sure how it happened exactly. No one can agree on what happened. One source said they thought he did it on purpose, but everything we’ve heard say it was an accident.) She was embarrassed, but started to laugh it off, when he grabbed her breast and tried to put it back in the dress himself. Luckily, only a small group of people saw the incident, but the actress- and her husband were furious. Not Chris O’donnell. (BuzzFoto)

Peter Krause?

A certain famous married director has been filming more than feature films. He has used his own camera to record some of his very personal moments with his favorite actress. She hit the roof when she found out but can’t do very much about it. She knows that if she tries to take any sort of legal action, it would quickly become public knowledge, and she absolutely will not tolerate any hits to either her personal reputation or her current relationship. He has agreed to destroy the footage in exchange for her commitment to a future project of his. Frankly, we would take any promises made as a result of blackmail with a grain of salt. (Blind Gossip)

Woody Allen & ScarJo? Imagine the skidmarks he makes with his nose when he motorboats.

The "salt" clue also makes me think it could St. Angie and Phillip Noyce? This is what Phillip looks like. A total upgrade!

This picture of Lindsay Lohan is missing an appearance by the Coppertone dog (preferably played by a bite-happy Pit Bull) - Egotastic!

Salma Hayek's chichis read to the children - Hollywood Tuna

Your dose of Derek J! YES! - FreddyO

Throw it back! - The Superficial

Squinty Zellweger's lip gloss applier, Bradley Cooper, must have had the night off - Just Jared

The U.S. Olympic bobsled team as seen through the eyes of Tom Cruise - Towleroad

Former scissor sisters Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz are doing a movie together - Lainey Gossip

John Travolta is glory hole ready (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Dakota Fanning lost a toof! - Popsugar

Meanwhile, I suddenly got a craving for Sugar Babies candies - Holy Moly!

Katie Price does her best Married to the Mob impersonation and fails - Hollywood Rag

Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen: still whores - Celebitchy

There's no way RPattz can handle Betty White - Socialite Life

Is Kelly Osbourne paying tribute to Jan Crouch? - ICYDK

Heather Graham is naked a lot - Cityrag

While they're there, can they stitch Spencer's mouth shut? - I'm Not Obsessed

When it comes to Mo'Nique's husband passing that peen around, she says she doesn't have a problem with it. But when it comes to a razor touching her hairy limbs, Mo'Nique says, "Fuck no!"

During Barbara Walters Oscar Special (which airs on Sundee), Mo'Nique said that she hasn't effed a dude outside of her marriage, but she wouldn't divorce her husband if he stuck it in another bitch. Mo'Nique explained, "Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That's not a deal-breaker. That's not something that would make us say, 'Pack your things and let's end the marriage. What if it's 20 times? So what? We've been best friends for over 25 years, and we truly know who we are. Oftentimes, people get into marriages and they don't know who they're laying next to. I'm very comfortable and secure with my husband."

Whatever works for you is what I say. If Mo'Nique doesn't care if her husband comes home smelling like foreign vagina, strawberry lube and strange sperm, then more power to her. Who cares what others say. DO YOU.....even if your husband is off doing everybody else.

And you're wrong if you think that Mo'Nique's husband might run off to somebody else's bed because of her hairy legs. Mo'Nique says that her husband loves the fact that her legs look like Robin Williams' dick: "He loves the hairy legs and if Sid likes the hairy legs, there you go. I tried shaving one time, and it was so uncomfortable and painful. I said never again would I do that to myself. I'm 42 and I'm very hairy."

I'll see your Sex Bomb Plushenko and raise you a Scott Williams skating to Nirvana.

Courtney Love's lawyers better change their phone numbers, move to another country, close their e-mail accounts and get Face/Off surgery, because there's no way she's letting this one go.

via Buzzfeed

Those of you who think that Megan Fox's vagina eats a different penis for breakfast, lunch and dinner need to think again! For your information, Megan's chocha only knows the taste of two peens and two peens only. Megan isn't a dirty slut, she just plays one in the media.

In an interview with Harper's Bazaar UK (via NYDN), Megan says that contrary to what's written about her on every bathroom wall from here to Delphia she's not a slut at all. According to Megan, she's only been with two dudes: "I've only been with two men my entire life. My childhood sweetheart and Brian (aka David from Beverly Hills 90210). I can never have sex with someone that I don't love, ever. The idea makes me sick. I've never even come close to having a one-night stand."

Okay, so Megan's got her nun costume on today. Role-playing is fun, isn't it? We can play along....

Megan also said that instead of squirting jizz out of dicks, she's squirting frosting on cupcakes at home. Yes, she's a regular June Cleaver and devoted stepmother, "I am a stepmother to the fullest extent. I have looked after Kassius since he was three and he has no memory of life without me. For some reason, no one wants to look at me that way, but I am responsible [for him] and I've never struggled with that, from bedtime stories to the school run."

But Megan blames herself for why some look at her as a man-eating whore, "My biggest regret is that I've assisted the media in making me into a cartoon character. I don't regret what has happened to me, but I regret the way I have dealt with it."

So there you have it. Go ahead and remove Megan's place setting from the slut's table. More peen for all of us!

Life & Style never ever fail me. They have topped themselves this week. Seriously, they should submit this to the Whitney Biennial.

For this week's cover story, Life & Style brought in a few "experts" (aka anybody who answered the phone when they called) to discuss why St. Angie Jo is making 3-year-old Shiloh look like your lesbian junior high school gym teacher who you ran into once at the grocery store when she was with her girlfriend. They are basically calling Shiloh "Chaz Bono Jr." because she has a Sandy Duncan haircut and wears polo shirts. Somebody give me a wall to bang my head against.

And the quotes from these experts must have been written by Christopher Guest. Just picture Jennifer Coolidge or Catherine O'Hara saying this mess and it might make it less frustrating and more hilarious (not really):

Alana Kelen, senior fashion stylist at VH1: “Shiloh is pushing the boundaries of a tomboy look and crossing over to cross-dresser territory."

Gili Rashal-Niv, celebrity stylist: "I get that times are tough but does Angie really need to have Shiloh sharing clothes with her brothers? Hopefully we won’t be seeing Maddox in one of Shiloh’s dresses any time soon.”

Glenn Stanton, director of Family Formation Studies at the conservative organization Focus on the Family: "They need help, they need guidance of what that looks like. It’s important to teach our children that gender distinction is very healthy.”

Karen Deerwester, parenting coach: “Giving preschool-age children the freedom and flexibility to experiment with how they want to be seen in the world is a wonderful gift."

So Shiloh is a cross-dressing 3-year-old because she likes to wear Bugle Boy jeans? We really need saving. I'm not even close to being a member of the delusional gang called the Brangaloonies, but I doubt St. Angie or Billy Goat Brad forced Shiloh to cut her hair. Kids wear what kids want to wear. Posh & Becks' boys are always going around in straight-up costumes and nobody is ringing the CPS alarm on them. I mean, when I was her age I wore a kangaroo costume out in public and put barrettes in my curly fro. And I turned out completely norma- Wait, that's a terrible example. Strike that from the record.

For those of you who watch the hilarious abomination known as Toddlers & Tiaras, this is probably going to be tame for you. This is 8-year-old Laura Fontana goo-goo ga-ga-ing as Lady GaGa on a Brazilian TV talent show while her mother (surprisingly, not a Cyrus) cheered her on backstage. Creepy crawling aside, Laura sounds exactly like my mother trying to sing along to a Lady GaGa song in the car while I stick my head out of the window to escape the madness.

By the way, why is Santy Claus cheering this on?! This is not how I envisioned him spending his off-season. STOP YOURSELF, Santy Claus! Get your nasty ass back to the North Pole to answer the letter I wrote you when I was 6-years-old (okay, I was really 26-years-old).

And just to be on the safe side, you might want to throw your browser's cookies in the trash after watching this or PedoBear may come a sniffin'. Better yet, just throw your entire computer in the trash and get a new one. I'll save you a place in the line at Best Buy.

via The Daily What (Thanks, I guess, to everyone who sent this in)