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Beth Ditto on how she used to be the government cheese version of Winona Ryder:

"I have a hard time not buying or stealing. If I want something, I have to have it. But not anymore. The last time was three months ago - a dress from Marshalls. I used to steal more. I mostly stole from Goodwill. You know, 'Can't be bothered. The line's too long. Put it in your purse'."

via Paper Mag

Jennifer Aniston is taking Lamaze classes and pulling out the birthing pool, because she's about to give birth to herself once again. And you know she's going to throw herself a baby shower and shit.

Jennifer tells Harper's Bazaar UK that she's spent the last five years throwing out useless shit (i.e. Brad's bath water, her first death threat letter from Maddox, etc..) and is ready to begin anew. Tell the band to the play the theme song to Starting Over. Jen said, "The last five years have been about spring cleaning for me. Now it's time for my rebirth. I love trying new things. I can't just be put in a box."

What is this rebirth shit?! Just try not to throw Jennifer an obvious side-eye when she stops you on the street to show you pictures of her reborn self. Just do what you normally do in a situation like that: lie and say "HOW ADORABLE!" before moving on.

Jennifer also talked about her beauty secrets, which don't include Botox, "I could do it, and I mean these lines are getting deeper every day, but when I tell you what's happened to me - these lines are just about living. Look I eat really well and I work out, but I also indulge when I want to. I don't starve myself in an extremist way. You're not taking away my coffee or my dairy or my glass of wine because I'd be devastated. My advice: just stop eating shit every day."

Stop eating shit? I could make a joke about Gerard Butler's asshole hunting finger, but I'll let you do the honors.

Do you remember when Britney Spears had her issues a couple of years ago she took a pap along with her for the ride? Well, this very troubled C list movie actress with A list name recognition is doing the same thing. Although in this case it appears the actress is the bad influence. She has been accompanied many nights by a pap who is a minor and who she is getting into clubs even though he isn't old enough. Oh, and if that were not bad enough she is also his drug supplier. Guess she doesn't want to hit rock bottom alone. (CDAN)

But more importantly, when is Michael Lohan going to hold a press conference over this blind item?

Which starlet has a really good fake ID? The 19-year-old cable-TV actress was carded at a recent LA bash, but passed inspection and headed straight up to the bar for a big gulp. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

Daveigh Chase from Big Love? Which reminds me... Back in the day, one of my friends used to get into bars with HIS older sister's ID. It was clearly a woman on the ID, and my friend didn't even dress in drag. Not one bouncer batted an eyelash at that ID. It made my night, every night. Okay, it was me...

This is the time of year when the new shows for the fall and winter television seasons are being cast. For those who are committed to a current show that has already been picked up for an additional season, it is usually smooth sailing. There are even a lucky few who have been offered a role in a new show in addition to their current show. Usually Show 2 is clearly defined as being in second position to Show 1. That is, except for one particular actor who is playing games with his level of commitment to his current show. In public, he is very precise and rehearsed in his wording about how happy and dedicated he is to Show 1, and very gracious about the opportunity to also take on Show 2. In private, it's a different story. He is very unhappy about both the quality of writing and the size of his role on Show 1, and has quietly expressed interest in ditching the first role to accept the second role. His exact words to me were "Get me the f* off this f*ing show!" We don't know if his original contract allows him that flexibility, but he sure seems serious about making the jump. (Blind Gossip)

Every single one of the dudes on FlashForward.

You know how Angelina Jolie is thinking about playing the title role in Tim Burton's Maleficent? Well, InTouch Weekly thinks she's perfect for the role since she's basically a living (?), breathing (??) version of the Mistress of Evil (cackle, thunder, cackle)!

In this week's issue, they talk to one of Brangelina's former bodyguards who says that Angie is a cold-hearted witch who laughs haughtily at her children's cries and regularly screams at her staff. Kate Gosselin is about to throw a copyright infringement lawsuit at Angie for stealing her swagger! From InTouch:

In an exclusive interview with In Touch, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's former bodyguard describes what he claims to be a woman whose erratic behavior, yelling fits and unreasonable demands deeply hurt not only staff members -- but especially Brad and their six children. "Angelina has a public and a private persona," claims the former bodyguard, who for security reasons chooses only to be identified by his first name, Bill. "In my opinion, the real Angelina is self-centered and a control freak. She has no patience at all. She doesn't do things out of the kindness of her heart. And she's totally psycho."

While Brad is laid-back and patient with his kids' often wild behavior, Angelina is anything but. "She screams and yells a lot, then walks away," Bill says, explaining that Angelina would often "disappear into her suite for hours," leaving staffers -- and Brad -- to deal with her children. "She would punish them with silence," says Bill, adding, "I think she could be abusive at times in a mental way." If the children were to get upset by her withholding behavior, he says, Angelina didn't seem to care. "She is not moved by tears," he explains. Still more disturbing, he recalls, Angelina has a "quirky habit" of "giggling when one of her kids would start crying."

The bodyguard, who was working for Brad and Angelina at the start of their relationship, remembers "a lot of laughing and fun" and "spontaneous sex" back then. Now, though, the couple often sleeps in separate bedrooms, and that honeymoon phase seems to be ancient history. Even when they aren't actively arguing, Bill says, Angelina "nitpicks" Brad -- criticizing him constantly. "She says things like, 'Are you going to wear that shirt again today?' and tells him he's like another one of the kids." According to Bill, Brad has come to dread Angelina's phone calls. "She'll call him from the set to interrogate him," Bill explains. "His face goes white, and he just stares at his feet." When Angelina's yelling gets to be too much, Brad will "put her on speaker and walk away from the phone," Bill reveals. "Angelina will hang up and continue calling until one of the staff picks up."

This straight from the Department of No More Wire Hangers. Maddox better be writing a tell-all right now, because I've been waiting for a sequel to Mommie Dearest. He can call it Saintly Dearest.

What kind of nightmare did I just walk into? Brenda Walsh was voted off of DWTS last night! That homewrecking slut Kelly Taylor must be behind this - Just Jared

The world also held a press conference yesterday where it announced: "Shut the fuck up, Lohans!" - The Superficial

Kelly Brook picks up Peaches Geldof's old panties as the new bod of Ultimo - Egotastic!

Gerard Butler keeps his finger to himself during a photo call with Aniston in Madrid - Lainey Gossip

Kim Kardashian's face is looking like a kitten version of La Wildenstein - Hollywood Tuna

What in the day-shift Tron hooker is Fergie wearing? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Code Pink strikes again! - Towleroad

Ricky Martin's boo was sick of playing Seven Minutes (give or take a few years) in Heaven in the closet - OMG Blog

The Photoshop Awards: Kourtney Kardashian's fake ass post-baby body - Celebitchy

MiserAlba really loves iced tea - Popoholic

Just so you know, a bunch of horses personally scalped themselves just so the holy St. Angelina could carry their hair around - Popsugar

Glee on Rolling Stone - ICYDK

How about we call Heidi and Spencer "Little Fleshdick" and "Walking Dildo" instead - I'm Not Obsessed

Obama is a nerdy fanboy at heart - Cityrag

Raquel Welch is breaking my b-hole's heart! - Hollywood Rag

One-legged pot calls the kettle a gold digger - Holy Moly!

The evil executioners of Hollywood need to stop punishing Goldie Hawn for the existence of Kate Hudson. It's not entirely her fault, yet they continue to kick her in the bagina bone by ruining her classics. They have already put Overboard under the guillotine, and now The Hollywood Reporter is saying that they are going after Private Benjamin.

Screenwriter Amy Talkington and producer Mark Gordon are working to bring this shit into modern day. They will also reference the wars going on in the world right now. Expect to see a zany ass version of Osama Bin Laden played by Jimmy Fallon. Or maybe Billy Goat Brad.... Hmmm....he does have the beard for it.

Anna Faris is in talks to play the title role. Well, it could be worse. They could be talking to Jessica Simpson. Oh wait.

You know, Hollywood can have Overboard and Private Benjamin. But they better not even think about putting out a remake of Death Becomes Her starring Katherine Hagel.... Fuck, I'm giving them ammunition.

What's worse than filming your kids in the backseat while driving? Breaking your little son's heart into a zillion pieces by telling him he's not a single lady. To think, in 15 years, that boy would've become an overnight internet sensation and ruler of the Glittery Gays of YouTube. But thanks to his asshole dad, that boy will never put his hands up to a Beyonce song again.

And homegirl in the middle doesn't want to have anything to do with her father's dream-killing ways.

via Buzzfeed

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice took a little time out from romancing his foot massager to shoot the glitter with Chelsea Handler last night. After Johnny admitted that he's not exactly skipping through lavender fields with his arch rival Evan Lysacek, he insinuated that Lysacek likes the dick by throwing a big wink at Chelsea.

It's fitting that Johnny said it with a wink, because my no-no winks, too, at the mention of Evan Lysacek's name. Clip beeeelow:

via ONTD

Tampons are having the worst month ever. First came the tale of Terry Richardson's love of tampon tea, and now here's a story from Vanity Fair about Tiger Woods' tango with a tampon. The tampon in question belonged to Mindy Lawton who just had to pose with a cherry in her mouth. This bitch.

Mindy, who has always been my favorite member of Tiger Woods' pack of whores, tells Vanity Fair that she first met him while serving tables at Perkin's. Even though Tiger only tipped Mindy 15% every time he came in, she still accepted his invitation when he asked her out. They ended up consummating their new love on his kitchen floor. Mindy went on to say that over the next few months, Tiger would say "jump" and she would spread her legs. Tiger wanted to fuck all the damn time no matter what obstacles got in his way. And by "obstacles," I mean Mindy's used tampon:

Another time, he insisted on meeting her right before a big golf tourney in 2007. “He wanted that last piece of booty before he could go to his tournament. To make him shoot better,” she said.

They met in a parking lot. She said she told him she was having her period and asked if they could avoid intercourse. But Tiger would not be denied, Lawton said. She said they started going at it next to the golfer’s Cadillac SUV. “He told me to pull my underwear down and pull out my tampon, and we went at it with me pressed up against his Escalade,” she said. “He did it from the back.”

MINDY! How could she let a bitch who only tips her 15% stir her crotchberry jam without a condom?! If I had any respect for Mindy, I would've tossed it into the compost pile after reading that mess. And it gets worse....

After they left, Lawton claims, reporters from The National Enquirer, who had been following her, picked up the tampon she had dropped in the parking lot, and later threatened to use it as part of a story exposing Woods’s infidelity. When the tabloid contacted one of Lawton’s relatives, Lawton texted Tiger in a panic, and he put her in touch with Mark Steinberg. “That’s when their brush-under-the-rug, the cover-up, happened,” Lawton says, referring to a deal that the Enquirer allegedly made with Tiger’s handlers to hold the adultery story in exchange for Woods’s giving an exclusive interview to its sister publication Men’s Fitness. (A spokesperson for The National Enquirer denies that the paper held the Lawton story in exchange for an exclusive on Tiger.)

So the next time you start feeling hate for your job, just think about the poor bitch whose job it is to pick up used tampons in parking lots.

If you want to read a few more stories from Vanity Fair's special "Whores Tell All" issue, click here.