Led by his favorite pet billy goat, Maddox swept into Miami last night with shades over his eyes and his handy purse handler at his side. Or maybe she's trying to provide more shade for him? I don't know.
Billy Goat Brad and Maddox are in Miami to cheer on the New Orleans Saints at the Super Bowl tonight. No, Billy Goat Brad does not get hard for the Saints because he loves New Orleans so much. Brad is the Saints #1 fangoat, because they're named after him and Angie Jo. Obviously. Duh.
And I won't be watching the Super Bowl tonight, but I will be smoking a super bowl. GONG!
To celebrate her 41st birfday, Jennifer Aniston flew to Los Cabos, Mexico with a bunch of her friends including her favorite shopping partner Gerry Butler, Sheryl Crow, Courtney Cox and David Arquette. You know, because if you're going to weep on the floor of a shower while punching at your womb, you might as well do it in sunny Mexico. NO! Aniston doesn't do that. Homegirl is probably happy that there's not an army of babies there to barf in her margarita (barfarita), do diarrhea in the hot tub or spit on her delicious nachos. Aniston probably toasted to her barren womb! My crazy cat lady cousin made me type that, to be honest.
Here's more of Aniston, Gerry (who is begging for a Q-Tip), Sheryl, Courtney and Court's spine in Los Cabos yesterday. Yes, Court's spine makes my own spine feel inadequate. You seriously could muddle a lime on her spine to make a Mojito. My useless spine can't do that.
Baby Jesus may or may not be waking everybody up in Vadge's house by crying for a bottle in the dead of night. Some say Baby Jesus is back in his manger. And others say Madonna and child are still going strong. The Daily Mail is going with the former, and is saying that Vadge's cooch is already spinning a web around a new prey. According to some hos, Vadge is circling around 24-year-old Spanish model Jon Kortajarena and can't wait to suck the life out of him (through his peen hole). It's a good thing Vadge's snatch knows how to queef "I'll get you my pretty" in Spanish.
Vadge first laid her beady eyes on Jon at the New York premiere party for A Single Man. In the movie, Jon plays a hustler Colin Firth's character meets outside of a liquor store. Dude made my nipples coo when he lit up Colin's fag. I guess he made Vadge's nipples coo (sounds like a duck dying) too, because she wants to make him hers! A source says that at the party Vadge flirted with Jon hardcore, "Jon looked slightly uncomfortable with the attention but was, nonetheless, flattered. She has made some enquiries about him and has found out a bit more about some of his future modeling gigs in a bid to use her influence to his advantage. She is going to invite him to some social events in New York."
Jon shouldn't fight it. I'm sure Vadge has already redecorated the nursery for him and ordered a dozen custom-made "Property of Vadge" onesies in his size. Jon should just lay his nuts on a silver platter and deliver them to Vadge. What Witchy Poo wants, Witchy Poo gets.
And I can't say I blame Vadge. Jon's brows really are a thing of beauty. They look like the perfectly conditioned landing strip of a second tier stripper. I bet they smell like Victoria's Secret body spray, old man sweat and Jergens.
Here's a few modeling pictures of Baby Jesus' replacement:
Just when I was about to make Shadoe Stevens (the tranquilizing voice who gently made sweet love to our drums as the host of American Top 40 in the 80s) Hot Slut of the Day, my eyes landed on this picture of him with his Beverly Cunningham. Sorry Shadoe, your ass will have to wait another day, because I cannot ignore this glamorous creature before me! Beverly is the most ravishing prize in the claw game!
Before Beverly became Mrs. Shadoe, she was an international supermodel (Phoebe Price's chicken cutlets just twitched). Beverly retired from the world of mall fashion shows so that she could focus all her energy on looking as glamorous as possible when escorting Shadoe to events. AND HOW! Now before you tell me that everybody wore tattered pink orphan skirts in the 80s, you should know that the picture above is from 2004! If the door knocker earrings or pink flamingo jacket doesn't make your soul split like Tommy Girl's panties at a male-only Scientology meeting, then her pink teddy bear wearing combat boots will! It might be a drug mule or it might be where she keeps her lip gloss and bottle of White Shoulders.
Every ho going to the Oscars better leave her clutch at home, and pick up a pink teddy bear backpack instead. Beverly Cunningham knows glamour.
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