Archives

Jim Carrey's daughter Jane gave birth to a baby friend of the male variety in Los Angeles last night. This is Jane's first kid with her musician husband Alex Santana (no relation to Carlos, I tink). People has the details:

Jane and husband Alex Santana welcomed their first child, son Jackson Riley Santana, at 12:28 a.m. Friday in Los Angeles, PEOPLE confirms. He weighed in at 7 lbs., 11 oz, and measured 20 inches long.

Granpappy Jim also Tweeted the first picture of his grandchild, and Jackson sure does look like a newborn baby.

To anybody who saw Ace Ventura in the theaters, the news of Jim Carrey becoming a grandfather will probably make you feel old. AND YOU ARE! Your sciatica doesn't hurt because you went a little overboard at that anal sex key party last night. It's because YOU ARE OLD! You didn't fall asleep 5-minutes into Law & Order the other night, because the new kind of weed you're trying out gives you the sleepies. It's because YOU ARE OLD!

Yes, we'll all be checking into retirement communities soon. Actually, that's not such a bad idea, because those old geezers really know how to party. It's just like college, but with more prescription meds. And you don't have to worry about your one-night stand getting all clingy afterwards. There's a 100% chance that your one-night stand at the retirement community won't even remember who are you in the morning. See you there!

Marie Osmond's 18-year-old son Michael Biosil committed suicide in Los Angeles last night by jumping from his downtown apartment building. Donny Osmond confirmed the sad news to Entertainment Tonight (of course). Donny released this short statement to them:

"My family and I are devastated and in deep shock by the tragic loss of our dear Michael and ask that everyone respect our privacy during this difficult time."

Michael left a note behind explaining to his family that he just couldn't deal with his life-long battle with depression, anymore and felt like he was completely alone and didn't fit in. Damn, that's bringing the sads.

Could today's news get anymore awful with the earthquake in Chile, the tsunami warning in Hawaii and now this. Let's just all get in a room and surround ourselves with Marie's dolls. Like this.

Rest in peace, Michael.

Brit Brit's weave mites were getting into the bags of grits, so Daddy Spears sent her off to the salon to get that shit fumigated.

Last night, Brit Brit showed up to the Nine Zero One salon for the works! The staff puts on their hazard suits, flea dipped Brit, tamed her weave with a garden hoe and a peroxide prayer, rolled her in Cheeto dust and brought Maaco in to do her face. VOILA!

Brit Brit went in looking like a beautiful and rare Louisiana trailer park dandelion that tastes like 4-day-old Frapp crust and causes you to hallucinate about Christmas when you chew on it. And Brit came out looking like something Hulk Hogan would love to massage while wearing a yellow speedo. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that Brit looked better before.

But I shouldn't worry, she'll be back to looking like her old stunning self when she rolls off the futon tomorrow morning. Yay!

Jackee Harry is making a second appearance as Hot Slut of the Day to celebrate 227 Day! Today is the day you stick your head out of the window to talk trash with your neighbors on the stoop about the building's resident slut (which is probably you). Or you can do like I'm going to do: slip on an outfit so tight that it makes your arteries pop and get yourself a MAN! ANY MAN!

Below is a clip from 227 of Sandra, one of my childhood heroes, proving that she's always got dick on the brain:

Happy 227 Day!

Dame Elizabeth Taylor (78)
Nicole Linkletter (25)
Josh Groban (29)
Chelsea Clinton (30)
Bobby Valentino (30)
Peter Andre (37)
Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas (39)
Donal Logue (44)
Noah Emmerich (45)
Grant Show (48)
Adam Baldwin (48)
Johnny Van Zant (51)
Timothy Spall (53)
Joanne Woodward (80)