Since John Mayer's publicist is standing on a ledge somewhere and everyone is throwing shit bombs at his front door, he decided he should probably apologize for using the n-word during an interview with Playboy Magazine.
In the interview (click here for the full enema), John gave oral to his foot by saying that his penis is the president of the "I Heart David Duke" fan club. John also used the n-word when he farted about how black people love him so much that they gave him a "hood pass."
John said he was oh-so-sowwy on his Twitter page:
"Re: using the 'N word' in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it's such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.
And while I'm using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it's time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews. It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it's gotten out of hand and I've created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don't have the stomach for it. Again, because I don't want anyone to think I'm equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.I just wanted to play the guitar for people. Everything else just sort of popped up and I improvised, and kept doubling down on it..."
We don't have the stomach (or any other organ) for it either, John.
And don't be surprised when Summer's Eve announces they are officially changing their name to John Mayer's Eve.
While watching this ridiculous commercial for the "Hoodie-Footie-Snuggle-Suit" (which is also Gay Al Reynold's nickname for condoms), I wasn't even tempted to click on over to the purchase this toddler onesie for grown women and gays who don't give a fuck.
Okay, I'll admit that it is a little hard to resist since they used the word "marshmallow" and getting around really IS a hassle. But the makers of this dick deflector got it all wrong, because they didn't add bunny ears and an easy access ass flap. That would've sold me. Until they get it right, I'll stick with my Pajama Jeans.
Ewan McGregor's wife of 15 years might be burning all his shit on the lawn ala Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale after seeing these pictures of him strolling arm-in-arm through Paris with 26-year-old actress Mélanie Laurent. Ewan and Mélanie just finished up shooting a movie together in France.
I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this. Maybe Ewan's wife has already given the okay for him to pass his peen around as he pleases? Maybe Mélanie has the drunks so hard that if she doesn't lean against Ewan she'll stumble into the street and get ran over by a car? Maybe Ewan has an ear infection so Mélanie has to get close to talk to him? Maybe Ewan and Mélanie are best friends in the Milo & Otis sense and they're cuddling together because it's cold outside?
There's a lot of maybes. The only way to find out the real truth is to press our ears against Ewan's wife's front door. If she's blasting "Not Gon' Cry," well then we know what's going on.
White Oprah's big dream of being the Christian Louboutin of the pill-popping child pimp set has been dashed! Last year, White Oprah announced her shoe line called Shoe-Han in an elaborate press conference in the parking lot of a Ross, which was attended by Nana Lohan and a few local drug dealers. White Oprah had big plans to launch the line on Mother's Day of this year, but fortunately for the world Shoe-Han has crashed and burned like Lindsay Lohan at 7am.
Love My Shoes, the company that was going to produce Shoe-Han, has backed out and is blaming the recession. They issued this statement to Fox411: “Love My Shoes regrets to announce we are not moving forward with the Dina Lohan line of shoes at this time due to continued economic sluggishness and the prevalent mood of today’s shoppers. Love My Shoes and its President, Robert Yeganeh, wish Dina continued success in all her projects.”
White Oprah's rep (aka Ali Lohan with a voice changer) said that Love My Shoes was too local for them anyway, and they are looking for an even bigger partner.
An even bigger partner?! That White Oprah sure does get crazy thoughts in her dehydrated brain whenever she tries to think while sober. But seriously, she's right. White Oprah should hit up the pharmaceutical companies, because I'm sure they'll be interested in a line of shoes with a built-in compartment for your pills.
Suri Cruise in a coat! And flats! Her stiletto snow boots must be in the shop - Just Jared
Auf Wiedernipples! - Heidi Klum
Who ordered the shot of Alicia Keys ass? - Hollywood Tuna
Chanel had a dinner last night, and by "dinner" I mean ice cubes and vodka - Popsugar
Stepford Katie looks like she's on stilts - Lainey Gossip
Chantelle Houghton still exists - Holy Moly!
Snow CaCa (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Quick! Grab your hanky code! When does it mean when you wear a red hanky around your head? - SOW
The Kardassian PR whore machine is grinding along - Celebitchy
It's Betty White, obviously - Towleroad
Channing Tatum wastes a lap dance on Ellen - Socialite Life
Brad Pitt tamed St. Angie's womb. Or something. - Hollywood Rag
Molly Shannon vs. Sue Sylvester - ICYDK
If the rumor about Baby Jesus dumping his main diaper changer was true, then Vadge must have bought him a shiny new rattle to win him back. Vadge is currently in Rio for carnival, and she took Baby Jesus out to dinner last night.
A witness-type said it was all very romantic. Baby Jesus spit up on Vadge when she put him on her lap to spoon feed him. Then Vadge broke the spoon in two after she squeezed it too hard. Yes, these two are still very much in love.
And Baby Jesus should've taken a good hard look at the stoner dude in the first thumbnail below. If Baby Jesus gazes into the eye of the Vadge too long, he'll turn into that.
Whoever is the mastermind behind these Snickers commercials must be my twin in the head. Their Super Bowl commercial starred Betty White, and now there's another one starring Queen Chichis herself Aretha Franklin (featuring Liza M).
Aretha in a Snickers commercial actually makes more sense than Betty White in one. Because when Aretha squeezes one of her nipples, a full-size Snickers bar comes popping out.
Here's even more Imodium-laced quotes from John Mayer's Playboy interview. John has already said that Jessica Simpson gets an A plus at fuck times and Jennifer Aniston wants to time travel back to 1998. John also talked about how he has a "hood pass" and how his penis is a members of the KKK.
When asked if black women try to get with him, John answered: "I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick."
John should really turn that quote into a jingle.
Playboy wanted to dig further by asking his ass which black women he thinks are hot: "I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She's superhot, and she's also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she'd be like, 'Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.' And you'd be like, 'What? We weren't talking about that.'"
And about that "hood pass," John explained it like this: "Someone asked me the other day, 'What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?' And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, 'We’re full.’
What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s."
Where do we begin? Actually, let's not, because my brain is still stuck on picturing John Nightmayer's penis in a KKK robe. NOT TODAY.
Peter Andre is not happy with Kate Price after her sister posted a picture of Princess Tiamamamama on Facebook looking like Michael Galanes sneezed in her face. The picture shows 2-year-old Princess Tiamammamia with tranny tarantula legs over her eyes and lip gloss on her lips. This is what happens when Roxanne babysits by himself for an hour.
A spokesbitch for Peter Andre immediately issued this statement to the Daily Star (via the Daily Mail) : "Peter totally disagrees with anything like this. He has said in the past he hates Kate coloring Junior's hair and straightening Princess's."
So here's the picture that has got Peter Andre's satin thong twisted:
It's not that bad. I'm sure that when the lash glue trickled down into her eye, it only left her partially blind. She can still see with the other eye. Not that big of a deal. She kind of looks like a surprised frog sitting on a lily pad. It's not like Katie got her breast implants (she'll do that next year).
With all that being said, Katie should still be jailed just because.