THE GIFT OF DIVORCE! It was just over a week ago that Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo got peens wagging and chochas chirping at the thought of them back on the market when they announced that they're splitting up....and now he's making it official. People says that Ryan filed for divorce this afternoon in Los Angeles. If you're hoping that Ryan and ScarJo's divorce will get so filthy dirty that they'll eventually wrestle naked in a kiddie pool of oil in the middle of a court room, you better pull your pants back up. That's not going to happen. ScarJo filed her divorce response at the same time, which means they are probably going to play nice. No greasy ScarJo and RyRey nipples for now.
Ryan and ScarJo didn't get a prenup, but neither is seeking any kind of spousal support. They both list December 14th as the day they decided to take their genitals elsewhere for good.
There's a million rumors going around as to why their marriage flopped on the sand before dying. Some say that ScarJo treated Ryan like an unwanted dingle, and others say that one of them cheated. But People says that they barely were around each other due to their careers and decided that calling it a day was better than trying to work that shit out.
Well, fuck us all! Two celebrities not chewing each other's eye balls out during a divorce battle? Something in the eggnog ain't clean (Ed. note: I don't anything in eggnog is clean). Maybe Ryan wants to get that shit over with so he can go back to doing ab crunches. Or maybe it's just a Christmas miracle! A sad Christmas miracle, but still a Christmas miracle.
(Image via Fame Pictures)
Fame can be a burden as well as a blessing. This is the case with Blue Boy, a multi-hyphenate who is definitely feeling the pressure of leading a double life. His actress girlfriend is a public relations setup and is purely for show. The two of them don’t even like each other. He smiles for the camera, but he is actually so distressed with the direction his career and his life are taking that he is now drinking heavily every day. Blue Boy’s friends and family are very, very worried about him, but having so many people depend on his wholesome image makes it difficult for him to take a step back and ask for help. It’s about time he did, though. If he doesn’t, he’ll wind up in the same place as someone who was once linked to him. (Blind Gossip)
Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene? But I'm more "clutching my anal beads" shocked to find out that the forever pristine and pure Jonas Bros. can actually drink SINFUL alcohol without turning inside/out before combusting. You know, like when a Gremlin is exposed to Evian.
Another small, but nice kindness. As I said in the photos, it has been raining for what seems like forever in Los Angeles, but has only been this week. Yesterday was probably the worst it has been. Anyway, this C- list actress who is on one of the biggest network television shows of all time (although she was a latecomer to the series)was driving home yesterday in this monsoon when she saw a car that was on the side of the road. A woman was standing outside looking under her hood in the rain and our actress decided to stop and see if she could help. Well, it turns out the woman was standing there and had three of her kids in the car, including one in a car seat. The woman did not have a cell phone. Our actress called a tow truck driver for the car, and then gave the entire family a ride home all the way on the other side of LA. In the rain. Our actress even gave the obviously struggling woman a few hundred dollars to help pay for the tow and the repairs. (CDAN)
Biggest network TV show of all time that is still on the air? Err. Possibly Glee and possibly Dot Marie Jones, but I don't think she'd call a tow truck or drive that family across the city. She'd simply stick a few $100 bills into their mouths and gently launch them back home safely with one swoop. Maybe Lauren Lee Smith from CSI? That's all I've got.
The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir already makes spark of magic with his blades when he twirls around the ice like a delicate unicorn chasing a bubble, and now he's hoping to spread a thin layer of glitter over your ear drums with his singing voice... Now, I don't think that's glitter over my ear drums, but there's definitely a thin layer of something in my ears after listening to his first single called "Dirty Love." This mess sort of sounds like some random 80s song as covered by Disneyland's Tomorrow Land Band on a Saturday afternoon, so I'm not sure what to make of it. I'll just leave it here for you to judge:
And instead I'm going to focus on that cover of Johnny looking like a model in Project Runway's Clan of the Cave Bear challenge.
Miley Cyrus has used the body of Kelly Osbourne to clone herself. And so it begins.... - Popoholic
Keira Knightley's Facebook relationship status might be switched to "It's complicated" - Lainey Gossip
The new racy Miley Cyrus pictures aren't that racy - The Superficial
Satan's b-hole must be all kinds of frostbitten, because Pat Robertson just said something very un-PatRobertson-like - Towleroad
This Christmas, Parasite Hilton's crotch crustaceans will be sunning themselves on the beaches of Hawaii - Hollywood Tuna
Sooookeh jogs the dog (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Should've been the duck phone - Celebitchy
Richard Gere's greatest enemy - The Berry
I guess Prancer got a video camera and internet access for Christmas - OMG Blog
This is a step up from what's usually on Pink's head - Popsugar
Dude should join the cast of Spider-Man - NYC Barstool Sports
Michelle Williams publicly talks about Heath Ledger's death for the first time - Just Jared
Why does Kelsey Grammer keep doing this to the exquisite silicone flower of mad delusional? - ICYDK
I guess chupacabras don't suffer from pregnant swole feet - I'm Not Obsessed
Aunt Becky is looking good - Hollywood Rag
This will be me all weekend long. Correction: This is always me - Cityrag
Willow Smith may not know maths, but she definitely knows how to pose with a tinsel Christmas tree (or whatever she's holding) - Necole Bitchie
Chloe Sevigny just described half of the celebwhores out there - Holy Moly!
And here's the Fraggle Rock version of John Travolta crowing out a holiday tune that will turn your eggnog, fill your stocking with coal and wilt your mistletoe. And Ke$hit's very special guest shows us who really has the talent around those parts! Or maybe that's just his natural reaction to her singing (it happens to all of us). Season's Peeings!
John Mayer was out at a bar on the Upper East Side in NYC recently when some girl sashayed up to him to get her vagina cleaned off with his doucheified words of wisdom. You can always count on John for that. Page Six says that after John and the girl chatted a bit, he gave her the key to a long-lasting happy relationship:
"He said that she was going to make someone very happy one day, as long as she remembered to talk dirty while having sex," the source said. The girl walked away speechless.
Dirty like "I want your David Duke dick to set the cross in my crotch on fire..."? Yes, that's the secret! But importantly, is it just me or does John Mayer's mouth look like an inhaling anus in that picture?
I can look past Smurfette looking like Snooki after accidentally covering her body with liquid Ty-D-Bol instead of blended orangutans like usual, but I can NOT look past the fact that they completely left Vanity Smurf out of this new picture from The Smurfs movie! That bitch should be front and center, instead he's completely MIA! Don't they know that Vanity is the glittery glue that holds The Smurfs together? Who do you think held the garden hose for Smurfette as she rinsed out the bleach to turn her hair blonde (bitch ain't natural)? It was Vanity! And who do you think keeps The Smurf village smelling like gardenias and petunias with his farts? VANITY! Vanity should be the damn star! I would be perfectly fine with this movie completely fucking my childhood in the ass without lube as long as I had something pretty to smell while it was doing it. For shame.
Coming Soon brings us the latest image from The Smurfs movie, which comes out next summer. It stars Neil Patrick Harris, Hank Azaria (as Gargamel) and the voices of: Anton Yelchin (as Clumsy Smurf), George Lopez (as Grouchy Smurf), Jonathan Winters (as Papa Smurf), Katy Perry (as Smurfette), Alan Cumming (as Gutsy Smurf), Fred Armisen (as Brainy Smurf) and John Oliver (as the voice of Vanity Smurf, not pictured).
And now here's an interpretive dance of what an almost Vanity-free Smurf movie is doing to my childhood. The role of an almost Vanity-free Smurf movie will be played by an airport luggage trolley, and the role of my childhood will be played by a little boy in red pajamas:
White Oprah is waving her favorite coke-scoopin' finger at Dawn Holland, the chemical dependency technician at Betty Ford who got into it with Lindsay Lohan, for sprinkling lies all over the incident report. Dawn claims that in the middle of her war with the little cokey who can't, LiLo called up White Oprah about taking a breathalyzer test. Dawn's side of the story is that White Oprah told her precious child to just say no to that shit. But White Oprah says she never said that. Yes, White Oprah was most likely tanked and lying half-face first in an ash try outside of Bennigan's during the call, but as far as she knows she didn't say that! White Oprah defended herself to TMZ:
"I stand behind my daughter 100% ... the whole thing with the woman is a little sketchy. With all the fabulous employees they have, it's unfortunate that someone with this kind of background gets through. I stand behind Betty Ford. It is such a fabulous facility. They have been nothing but great. They really helped my daughter and changed my life, too."
The "background" White Oprah is referring to is the accusations by Dawn Holland's ex-husband that she once beat his ass when they were still married. White Oprah does have a point, though (no, she doesn't have a point, though). How can Betty Ford let someone like that get through? Just like how can a delusional enabling shriveled pimp who would sell her child's internal organs for a menthol be allowed to raise a living thing that breathes?
What more could Matthew Rutler want? This time last year, Matthew was probably riding shot gun in a Toyota Tercel to a house party to sip on Bud from a can, and look at his ass now! BITCH, YOU'VE MADE IT! Here's Matthew sucking in the luxury while riding in a fancy horse-drawn carriage near a fancy resort in fancy Courchevel, France with a fancy throw, a fancy glass of wine and a benefactor who doesn't call the police when he fishes 2 $100 bills out of her purse to pay his cell phone bill.
And if that isn't already a new kind of gold digging heaven, Matthew never has to worry about getting cold since the toxic paint on Xtina's face exudes hot fumes all day long. Yes, Matthew is probably being exposed to radiation poisoning, but that's a small price to pay for living the FANCY LUXURIOUS life!
The game of life has never been a fair one, and here's yet another example of that. Talent has never been a friend of Jennifer Lopez and she's about as plain as a stale piece of Wonder Bread, but yet she's always bathed in diamonds, 20-ply cashmere and golden weave hair spun by Rumpelstiltskin. And here's Claudia Vazquez, a woman with so much shiny talent that it's liquefied and is seeping out of the pores on her eyelids. And yet, she's a struggling single mother who can barely afford a can of White Rain hairspray to keep her curly mane crunchy. Claudia knows this, so she is suing JLo for $10 million! Let it be known that I'm not the judge in this totally worthless case, but I'm still going to raise my gavel and give Claudia ALL DAH MONEYZ!
Claudia is a producer on Ojani Noa's film project and says that she has poured all of her blood, sweat and coins into the movie and it needs it to get made! This is the same movie that JLo is trying to stop from getting made, because Ojani plans to use intimate footage of her he took while they were married for a quick second. Claudia tells Radar that it's not fair that JLo has EVERYTHING and is still stomping all over her dreams. Cut to Claudia:
"I'm just me and I'm defending my career, my life. It isn't fair that Jennifer Lopez has all the money in the world. Why would she stop somebody that is so small for her? If Ojani is not important in her life, why would she waste so much money and time doing this? She is affecting my life, she is affecting my company, she's affecting my work and mostly, my kids. I already spent a lot of money on this movie. Just do whatever it takes and close the deal and make it happen. Just let him [Noa] go and let us make a movie. Talk to your advisers, talk to your heart, and let's just stop this nonsense... please."
Unfortunately, I don't think Claudia's plea is going to sway JLo. If anything it's going to make JLo turn it up. JLo is going to take one look at Claudia's intense beauty and will do whatever it takes to ruin her.
This is just like David and Goliath! Well, if Goliath was tone deaf and had a fat ass. And if David's bathroom drawer was filled with Bonne Bell and Wet 'N Wild cosmetics. TEAM BEAUTY (aka DAVID)!