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Diddy celebrated the launch of Diddy Dirt Money's album by streaming live from The London Hotel on his own UStream and the party was almost burned down to the ground when Firestarter played on top of a nekkid model's head. This is the exact opposite of moisturizing the sexy.

That poor bitch is just sitting in a bath tub hoping that maybe she'll get some web cam time on a damn USTREAM when a bitchy ass candle had to mess with her beauty by setting her hair on fire. And then everyone around her scatters like a Ke$ha song just started playing from her ear holes. I mean, couldn't they have dunked her head in the tub? Way to help a hot bitch out. Diddy better have given her some money to spackle that patch in her hair.

And now I've got the scent of charbroiled follicles clogging up my nostrils.

via Necole Bitchie

Ever since his marriage to Courtney Cox was put in time out until further notice, David Arquette has been filling the cracks of his heart with massive amounts of booze. Yes, he's borrowing your "Listen, don't get on me for having another fucking drink, because I'm still upset about my dad leaving my family.......25 years ago" excuse. David called into his personal therapist Dr. Howard Stern to once again pour out his emotions for an entire hour.

David told Howard that he recently got so filled to the brim with DRUNK that he called Tom Cruise "Sean." UsWeekly compiled a few choice quotes from David's public one-on-one with Howard:

During his one-hour chat, Arquette said that "everybody is worried and concerned about me," and that he's seeing a psychiatrist weekly.

He admitted he's been partying pretty hard -- especially at a recent holiday party hosted by Adam Sandler, in which he drunkenly called Tom Cruise "Sean." "I was a little wasted," Arquette says. "Someone says 'Hi David!', and I said, 'Hi Sean! Then I realized it was Tom Cruise. And his beautiful wife [Katie Holmes] was there."

Cruise wasn't offended, Arquette said. "Tom was cool about it...I was so embarrassed. I was like 'I gotta get the fuck out of here.'"

Why the heavy drinking? "I've been drinking a lot because I'm heartbroken," he said. "It's really a personal, traumatic thing."

But he added that he had a "semi religious" epiphany recently: "When I drink, I become a maniac." Arquette said he's not drinking at all anymore. "When you wake up and reality hits you, it's hard."

He's lonely, too. "I want love in my life," he said. "I need love in my life."

David also told Howard that he might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

David is obviously one of those kind of drunks. You know, the dude sitting next to you at the counter at Shoney's who smells like whiskey burps and burnt hash brown. The one who makes a really gross cry face as he tries to swallow his pancakes while going on about his problems to you. Then as it gets later and later, you decide that you've got nothing else to do so you might as well try to cheer him up by blowing him in your Mitsubishi Mirage for shits. But then as you're doing your thing, he's just laying there moaning like an old dog having a nightmare.

You decide maybe a little filthy nasty talk will get him going so you blurt out something like, "Yeah, you nasty prick, you like your cock sucked, don't you?" And then out comes a typhoon of tears, because his wife's last name is COX! The only money shot you'll get is a load of tears to the face. BEEJ RUINED! David is totally that dude.

So now you know to stay away from David if you see him at the counter at Shoney's in the middle of the night.

What in the Addams Family meets Aaron Spelling cast picture meets Awkward Family Photos meets mannequin factory HELL is the meaning of this hilarious bronzer mess? This might be the best thing the Kardashians have ever done. From the young one on the left looking like a sexed up Wednesday Addams to Khloe looking like Uncle Fester with a new weave to Scott Dickhead looking like Lurch with a Patrick Bateman obsession.... BRAVO!

It's a pity that Bruce didn't get with the theme, though. Bruce looks more like Vincent the Beast after a haircut. Bruce is probably wondering why Linda Hamilton didn't show up to grab his hand and lead him down into the sewers far away from this kreepy and kooky family?

And where is the most important member of the Kardashian Klan? I'm talking about Ryan Gaycrest. He's the one who birthed the Kardashian family out of his no-no. And don't say Ryan is on the right holding Kourtney's hand. Don't insult Mason like that.

via Celebuzz (Thanks Karen, Ben, Daniel and everybody who sent in this wreck)

You can't keep a good Slut Dress down for long. Over a year after its last known sighting, the dress that graced the back of some of the BIGGEST STARS IN THE WORLD (including Heather Graham, Kristin Calamaris, my forever arch rival Mop Head, Doutzen Kroes, Heidi Montag and Erin Andrews) returned from its sabbatical by escorting former Surreal Life star Caprice to a charity event in London the other night.

The Slut Dress might have spent time under Dr. Dubrow's needle, because it's looking smoother than the last time we saw it. I won't judge since I'm sure it needed a little work after spending the past year being passed around from T.J. Maxx discount bin to Salvation Army sidewalk sale to the bottom of every frat boys' dorm room floor. But now it's back for good and will never ever leave us. When 2012 finally eats all of us whole, it will leave the Slut Dress behind. I mean, it is the true symbol of our civilization.

Alfalfa is looking all shades of hot - Just Jared

Laura Ingalls is like a bong detective of some kind - The Superficial

The funniest and most unintentionally brilliant thing that has ever come out of MiserAlba's mouth: "When I was doing my first job where I was talking to dolphins in The New Adventures of Flipper when I was 13 – it was a fake dolphin, we had a great relationship - when he would go off script, the dolphin, I didn’t know how to. He would squeak and I couldn’t squeak back. It took me like 15 years to learn to do that." - Lainey Gossip

The HD trailer for Terrence Malick's Tree of Life is out and it's filled with purdy pictures - Towleroad

If you've ever wanted to know what the Dutch Boy looks like without his overalls on (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Minka Kelly at the Country Strong premiere last night.....but was she ever photographed next to her sort of twin Leighton Meester? - Hollywood Tuna

I've never been digitally introduced to Alejo Sauras, but now I've been digitally introduced to his peen (NSFW) - OMG Blog

Natalie Portman on Vogue - Popoholic

In Soviet Union, shovel...you know the rest - NYC Barstool Sports

Cher continues to show Xtina how this shit is really done - Hollywood Rag

Two words: leopard bulge - Celebitchy

A beautiful innocent love story as told through pictures - The Berry

Matt Damon's wife Luciana is like, "Fuckthisshit, I need a nap." - Popsugar

James Franco has a thing for fat animals - Cityrag

Add another Hollywood divorce to the pile - I'm Not Obsessed

It ain't over until the end date on the contract sings - Popbytes

The Jokes Fap Themselves: Man caught masturbating over Sir Alan Sugar's new book - Holy Moly!

The first thing I asked myself after going through UsWeekly's story about Nikki Sixx supposedly dating Denise Richards was: "Is the triangle pubic bush on his chin a good look or not?" And the second thing I asked myself was: "Hasn't Nikki Sixx dated Heather Locklear before?" The answer to that question is NO (she was with Nikki's bandmate Tommy Lee), but it seems like Denise is always trolling Heather's Who's Dated Who page for fuck partners. I'm just blowing things up as usual, but I still wouldn't be surprised to see Denise running hand-in-hand with Jack Wagner down a sandy beach at sunset.

And since I brought up Jack Wagner, let's make "All Aaaaaaah Neeed" the official theme song for this post.

A source type tells UsWeekly that Denise and Nikki have been neighbors for a long time, but it was only recently that they took their relationship from "May I borrow some sugar?" to "May I lick sugar off your ass crack?" The source went on to say that they are taking things slow. Nikki last dated Kat Von D, and Denise's last known piece was Richie Sambora.

Well, I guess Denise definitely has a type. If your butt cheeks haven't touched a toilet seat in rehab, Denise ain't licking them. And I bet a lump of vomit didn't even rise to your throat when thinking about Denise's robot face licking azucar off of Nikki's ass cheeks. It's the Jack Wagner touch. He soothes everything.

This dapper hunk of man is none other than Alex Forrest aka Cruella De Vil aka Patty Hewes aka Glenn Close on the set of her new movie Albert Nobbs. Glenn plays an English woman who pretends to be a dude in order to get a job as a butler in 1890s Dublin. So I guess it's sort of kind of like Victor/Victoria sans the songs, sequins and Robert Preston.

And even though Albert Nobbs has a little Hannibal Lecter thing going on in his eyes, I'd still butt bump up against his codpiece in the pantry while the master's out.

That headline is courtesy of Radar who claims that Kate Gosselin must've been crossing something on her body (don't let your mind go to where mine went or it might never come back) when she said with a straight-face that two of her sextuplets were not expelled from their private school, because apparently they were. Alexis and Colin are being homeschooled, but Kate says it's because they need a break from the stresses of kindergarten. But Radar's sources know otherwise and said that Alexis and Colin were kicked out for whooping the asses of several students AND an adult. And just like that, Latarian Milton's esteemed HOOD RAT STUFF CLUB just gained two members.

The source says that shit got so serious at Alexis and Colin's school that the head bitch in charge sent Jon and Kate a letter warning them that their kids are on the road to becoming kindergarten drop-outs because of their abusive behavior. Alex and Colin were put in a special program for kids who like to do bad things, but their teacher quickly learned that they need outside assistance with their social skills. The source went on to say, "Alexis and Collin could go to a public school but they would be photographed and harassed. It's clear the kids need to be integrated back into their private school, if they want to keep them at the same place. Or they can be sent to the school with the Gosselin's other kids. They can't just be tutored, at home: these kids need to be integrated with other children."

This source added that a lot of the problem has to do with the fact that Colin and Alexis hate being photographed by the paps and Kate doesn't seem to get this, "Colin actually covered his face when he was having his school photograph taken because he thought he shouldn't be photographed. Here you have children living in rural Pennsylvania and they don't understand why people are taking pictures."

Blah blah blah... Thank you, Professor CaresomuchyouwenttoRadar. But seriously, who doesn't get kicked out of preschool or kindergarten at least once in their lifetime? I got expelled from my first preschool after I continually threw my shoes at the assistants, ran away during nap time and slapped a picture book out of my teacher's hand. Every day, I had to hand over my shoes at the front door like I was about to eat Japanese food. They wouldn't let me lay down during nap time since I was a runner, so I had to sit between two adults while the other kids floated into daytime dreamland. Eventually, they got tired of my baby douchebag ways and told me to get the fuck out. And look at how I turned out! Yes, I still have to sit between two adults during group therapy so I don't run, but other than that I'm fine (not really)!

If the #1 item on your cum bucket list is to hump on Michael C. Hall, then all you have to do is join the cast of Dexter and there's a really good chance you'll be able to scratch it off your list with the fake blood you used as lube to give him a handjob. Michael's marriage to his TV sister is about to be snuffed out and there are several reports alleging that the bullet came from Julia Stiles' vagina.

Michael and Jennifer Carpenter announced they were getting a divorce on Monday, but apparently he's been getting on Julia, who plays his love interest on Dexter, since at least October. That's what this semi-blind item from Lainey Gossip is whispering anyway:

I mentioned yesterday that there are a few more details about one of the recent splits announced in Hollywood this week. Turns out there was someone else: his love interest this season on his tv show. Their chemistry was so crazy and so evident to everyone that writer and producers, seeing it play out on set, actually cranked up their sex scenes to capture it for show. Her career has seen a resurgence since.

Eventually the two fell in love. They were together, very close, at a Halloween party in New York this fall hosted by a famously controversial writer (this isn’t a super important detail) and those who observed them that night are not surprised now that he’s ended it with his wife.

A source also tells Showbiz Spy that Michael and Julia hung out this week and he was caught kissing her nalgas with his eyes, “Michael was checking out Julia’s butt. He seemed fine though. You would never tell his marriage had just collapsed.”

Damn. When Dexter gets messy, he gets seriously messy. One minute he's fucking his co-star in his trailer, and the next minute he's doing a scene with his estranged wife who plays his sister. And I bet Dexter didn't even bother spraying Binaca in his mouth to hide the scent of Julia's chocha on his breath! A new meaning to awkward.

NOOOOOOOO! I was perfectly happy hating every single thing Fishsticks Paltrow produced and then she just had to go and wear this to the Cuntry Weak screening in Beverly Hills last night. It's as if Fishy grabbed onto my world, turned it upside/down and burped out everything I thought I believed in! And all because she wore an exquisite gown that says "member of Kryptonian Council" in the front and then softly leads you down a netted road of elegance to the image of Fishy's uncovered crotch gills dancing in the underwind. It's something Breathless Mahoney would've worn on her wedding day and it's beautifully perfect.

That gown's powers of sophistication and grace are so strong that I don't even care that it's on the body of a pretentious salamander-woman who always calls English muffins "crumpets" and who won't get out of bed until her morning maid slips a pair of fresh cashmere slippers at her bedside. WHY OH WHY!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and dip my head in a browser full of GOOP in hopes that I can go back to hating her ass once I come up for air.

Here's a few more of Fishy wearing the third coming of the Slut Dress at the Country Strong screening last night with Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, Blair Waldorf Salad and Garrett Gimmehedlund.