Because everything is better with a giant splash of Showgirls, here's a NSFW-ish (due to several drops of Nomi nips) masterpiece mash-up of The Black Swan trailer and the greatest piece of cinema ever made! I'm glad that I wasn't the only one who thought Black Swan would've been perfect it it had more bejeweled pasties, Doggy Chow, exquisite stripper nails and Saved By the Bell stars.
(Thanks to Jeffrey McHale for making dreams come true)
Piers Morgan is still months away from taking over Lizard King's suspenders on CNN, but he's already putting bitches on his blacklist. Madge must've kidnapped, murdered, skinned, blended and spread one of Piers' puppies all over her face (extremely possible), because he never EVER wants to interview her. Piers tells The Hollywood Reporter (via Showbiz Spy) that his new show is thirsty for Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan, but not Madge:
“She is so boring. She is too vegan for TV. We have Lady GaGa now so Madonna is banned from my show.”
SHOTS FIRED! With all due respect to Piers' cuntified words, I'm pretty sure that Lady CaCa was actually born as a growth on Madge's taint that later fell off and mutated into the alien pop star we know today. So if it wasn't for Madge's taint, there wouldn't be a Lady CaCa.
In Vivica Fox's #itgetsbetter video for Essence TV, she tells the kids out there to make their own choices and be themselves no matter what the hating bullies say because it will lead them to success! Vivica would know since she's constantly getting teased for her unique career choices. When Vivica chose to do the direct-to-DVD spectacular Motives, she got teased for it and then EVERYBODY started to do direct-to-DVD movies. When Vivica chose to star in the reality shit show Glam God, she got serious shade for it and then EVERYBODY started to do reality shows. When Vivica chose to act in the play Cheaper to Keeper, bitches pointed and laughed at her and then EVERYBODY started to do theater. None of these things really existed before Vivica touched 'em.
And just so you know, Vivica actually shot this video years ago and got teased for it. And now EVERYBODY is doing #itgetsbetter videos.
Carnie Wilson got her stomach pinched and her intestines rotated live on the internet in 1999 and the chunk quickly slipped off her body the same way the name of the other ginger in Wilson Phillips always slips off your mind (It's WENDY FYI). For the next 11 years, the weight came off and on several times. Well, Carnie is back in all her BBW glory and tells Popeater that she's embracing it:
"I'm fat as fuck, what can I say? You know, after all these years, it's just like we are who we are and it's a struggle for me and sometimes I'm heavier and sometimes I'm thinner."
You go Carnie Coco! Fuck it and fuck putting your internal organs on webcam. No, seriously, don't put your internal organs on webcam again.
Miley Cyrus' documented trip through a temporary salvia haze has sparked a new debate as to whether or not California should put a ban on that shit once and for all. Former California State Assemblyman Anthony Adams tried to put salvia on the ban list a few years ago by saying that it's as much of a controlled substance as weed and LSD. Anthony's bill got shot down, but California made it illegal to sell salvia to chirruns under the age of 18. And now that we've all got a whiff of Miley's freshly exhaled salvia cloud, Anthony is back!
Anthony tells TMZ that Miley is a role model to our youth and it was irresponsible for her to take a bong hit since "kids are going to emulate her behavior." Anthony went on to preach, "It's time for state and federal governments to renew their push toward an outright ban."
We've already banned Four Lokos and now we're on our way to banning salvia, so we might as well ban freon.... computer duster (DAMN YOU ALLISON!)... Sharpies.... spray paint..... NyQuil.... and any other dumb shit kids do to try to get higher. You know, because there's no such thing as parents warning their kids that smoking salvia will turn them into a hillbilly chipmunk with an excess mucus problem who Billy Ray Cyrus Tweets about (the ultimate warning).
But honestly, who is emulating Miley Cyrus. It's not 2008! Meanwhile, some 8-year-old is probably shaking her crotch while trying to smoke SALIVA out of a bong she made from a habitrail tube. Well, since I put it that way, BAN MILEY not salvia!
Tofutti Klein (as played by Lisa Beth Ross), the Pia Zadora-esque creature of the 80s from Overboard who kept stupid Grant's yacht afloat with her beauty and grace! Tofutti's cameo lasted only a few seconds but it was thee most IMPORTANT few seconds in the entire movie because she uttered the iconic line: TOFUTTI KLEIN.
I wonder what became of Tofutti Klein. My guess is that after a failed marriage to a health food tycoon and a brief career in late-night cable softcore porn, Tofutti was about to end it all by jumping off an overpass at the 405 freeway. That's where she met Marie, Snobby Saleswoman #2 from Pretty Woman, who was also about to jump after she had been fired from her umpteenth sales job for being....well....a snobby bitch. The two had a heart-to-heart and spilled their feelings about life all over each other. And as the sun came up, the two shared a delicate kiss and a new love was born! They later moved to Vermont to run an alpaca farm together.
One summer night as they sprawled out under the stars with their sleeping alpaca friends, Marie revealed to Tofutti that the real reason why she was such an insufferable bitch is because she's lactose intolerant and couldn't enjoy her second favorite thing in life (after Tofutti, of course): ICE CREAM!
So Tofutti called up her ex-husband and the two worked on a sweet frozen treat that Marie could enjoy without her bowels exploding. Tofutti named the sweet frozen token of her love for Marie "Moorie Cuties!" The bitchiness melted out of Marie after she took the first bite of Tofutti's love dedication to her. Marie was so touched, but asked Tofutti if they could change the name of it. Marie wanted to name it "Tofutti" so it could combine the two things she loved the most. And the rest is HISTORY!
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