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My Tivo queue is sponsored by Waste Management, so for some strange reason I don't follow that Teen Mom trash, but I do follow tragically awesome tattoo masterpieces and Amber's got one of the greatest. This magic marker mess is almost a form of birth control, because unless you're huffing on freon who wants to hump on a tattoo that looks like a portrait of Angus T. Jones? Museum of Awful Tattoos, please welcome Amber!

Source: Star via Jezebel

No, this is not a picture of Joyce DeWitt after another drunken night of debauchery at the Regal Beagle. In case you couldn't tell from the puss that has pushed itself out of your zit hole and is now splattered across your monitor, this is Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty looking as swole as a pregnant lady's foot at the launch of his new exclusive line of luxury joo-ree in London tonight.

Just in time for Hanukkah! And just in time for flu season too since you will need a shot of something germ-killing before you slip up on one of Dreamy's trinkets. It's a good thing I get my CDC-mandated shots at the top of every month, because one of Dreamy's necklaces will be on my Christmas wish list this year! Wait. You can get that shit at Claire's, right?

Meet Joseph Guiso an Australian dude who married his 5-year-old labrador Honey at a park near their home in Toowoomba, QLD yesterday afternoon. While surrounded by their family and friends, Joseph and Honey were pronounced husband and wife by Father Hipster. You may now sniff the bride's ass.

Joseph tells The Chronicle that he is a religious person and felt guilty about living in sin with Honey so he decided they should seal their love in front of God. Joseph got in his knees, stared deeply into Honey's eyes, ignored the DNW expression plastered all over her face and said to her, "You’re my best friend and you make every part of my day better." Joseph also promised his family and friends that his relationship with Honey is made of pure love, but a jar of peanut butter Vegamite is not involved. Basically, Joseph is not Monaghan-ing Honey. So he says.

There's two MAJOR wrong things with this wedding. No, it isn't that a dude is marrying a dog. Dogs have married a lot worse. One is that Honey has her eyes wide open for her first marital kiss with her husband. Maybe Honey isn't a romantic. If that's the case, this marriage is doomed to pop like her anal glands since Joseph obviously has romance running through his veins. Or maybe Honey's got her eyes out in case Joseph busts out the lipstick. That's Honey's cue to voluntarily check herself into the pound.

Secondly, this is Honey's big day and the bitch shows up wearing a wrinkled ass bed sheet. What kind of bride wears that busted shit?! Somewhere an Australian boy is missing his DIY superhero cape. How dreadful! This is exactly why Animal Planet needs a bridal show called Say Woof to the Dress.

via Fark

Brit Brit did not get beat beat by the meth-ized version of Sam Merlotte. That's what one of Brit's co-conservators tells TMZ. So Brit's cousins in Louisiana can drop their sewed off shot guns and cancel the lawn mower pilgrimage to California to whoop on Jason Trawick.

Andrew Wallet says that Star's story is a pot full of deep fried lies with crunchy lies sprinkled on top. Andrew also says that the supposed recording of Brit admitting to her first husband Jason Alexander that Jason Trawick brought the beat down on her is about as real as the cheese in her Easy Mac. Andrew says that Brit is putting her suin' dress on dropping a lawsuit in Radar and Star's laps. Brit's rep also had this to say:

"This is just another example of the irresponsible nature of the tabloid media relying on shoddy sources and false information for the sole purpose of selling magazines, without regard to the truth and without regard to who they hurt in the process. he statements attributed to Jason Alexander are a complete fabrication as Britney has not had any form of communication with Mr. Alexander in years. These irresponsible statements are defamatory and Britney Spears' legal team will be taking legal action against all of the appropriate parties."

But Jason Alexander swears on his prized possession (a Jackalope head hanging in his parent's TV room) that he's telling the truth and he's got a passed polygraph test AND a second recording of Brit Brit that proves this. The only thing that shit proves is that Jason really doesn't want to have to return the moonshine making kit and the bedside gun rack he bought with the money Star gave him. A MESS!

Jason Alexander needs to spend his time doing more important shit like trying to figure out why Jason Trawick's body looks like my He-Man action figure after I left it in the sun for a couple of weeks that summer.

Shiloh Knox and a shaaaaaaark (I'm talking about the shark on the right) - Lainey Gossip

And to think, Katy Perry could've had John Mayer talking about her coochie game during an interview - The Superficial

Danielle Lineker's got a pair of those at war breasts - Hollywood Tuna

And I bet Gaycrest is still wearing lifts - Towleroad

Gis Bundchen changing in a van parked on the street. Just like us! (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

"Aaaaaaaair!" - Hilary Duff's legs - Popoholic

Michelle Williams Monroe-hair looks more like Warhol-hair - Popsugar

Baby Jesus, go back to the manger already! - Just Jared

That's Mah Boo - OMG Blog

Kate "Forever Alone" Gosselin on Today this morning - Celebitchy

This is probably what you're getting ready to do - The Berry

Suddenly, I have a craving for abalone (NSFL) - NYC Barstool Sports

If you want to see a bunch of celebrities with tattoos, it's your lucky hour - Cityrag

Then Kim Zolciak's wig got the spooks and ran out of there - SOW

When the Kardashian is away, the low-rent Patrick Bateman will play - Hollywood Rag

Rose McGowan is trying really hard to smile - ICYDK

Nate Berkus just wanted an excuse to remodel the operating room - I'm Not Obsessed

There's a good reason for why a seductive voice whispers "Maybe she's born with it?" into your head whenever a picture of Tommy Cooze grace your presence. Fun fact: That's Xenu doing the whispering. Yeah, that's what he sounds like. Weird, right? But I digress!

When Tommy is bent over in front of a full-length mirror down in his mancave, he can't focus because he's too busy freaking out over the olds creeping onto his face. There's lines! There's wrinkles! So what's a bitch who refuses to hold middle-age's hand to do?! The National Enquirer says that Tommy raids Katie Holmes' make-up drawer for anything and everything that make his face look as taut and glowing as the ass cheeks on a Palm Springs power bottom twink.

A source type says, "Tom is in major midlife crisis mode. He's freaking out over the new lines on his face, the gray hairs on his head and on his face when he shaves. He has started applying Katie's high-priced facial creams, cleansers and even her makeup - and he loves the results! He even slathers on Katie's foundation before public events and lightly applies her mascara to make his eyelashes look fuller. Katie is horrified that Tom has resorted to raiding her beauty supplies."

This source really expects us to believe that Tommy is scrounging through Katie's used shit? Tommy is not some simple bitch. Tommy has his very own beauty studio complete with Hollywood lights and a team of male make-up artistes. Tommy glides in, slips into a satin robe, tucks his hair into a turban and lays back as his beauty slaves give him facial after facial. Afterward, they have to do that graceful "ooooh aaaaaaah" hand dance over Tommy's face like in Madge's Vogue video. It frames the glamour. Yea, it's totally annoying, but Tommy knows that no beauty treatment is complete without the hand dance.

The spirit of Thanksgiving lives on thanks to this clip of San Diego Living's Renee Kohn demonstrating her turkey calling skills. Before you laugh at Renee's lame turkey calling skills, I'll have you know that Mel Gibson, Tiger Woods, Vanilla Gorilla, Ashton Kutcher, David Boreanz, SamRo, an NBA team, a few politicians and a couple of Evangelical priests all showed up outside of the studio minutes after this aired. The woman knows how to call a turkey!

And just for the record, I'd hit it. The turkey gobbler, you silly, not Renee!

via Warming Glow

Both Vanity Fair and Esquire just published their own interviews and profiles on everybody's favorite Canadian refugees Randy and Evi Quaid, and reading that shit made me feel like I was Nurse Valerie from Girl, Interrupted. You just have to nervously shake your head while Evi redefines CRAZY by saying that she can only talk in windowless rooms without any cell phones around. You should spend time with both articles if your sanity allows it. But in the meantime, my take is after the jump. Warning: Shit is LONG. JUMP!

MORE COFFEE! If Jakey Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift are trying to become the new Taster's Choice couple, it's not working and it never will! Nothing about them says "Savor The Sophistication". I swear. Half of their relationship is spent slurping on lattes and since we all know that drinking coffee is like an oil and filer change for your bowels, the other half of their relationship is spent sitting on a toilet for two.

Source: UsWeekly via Cover Awards

It's Stephen Colbert back when he had a soft helmet of luscious hair that makes you want to call in sick so that you can spend the day running your fingers through it. This is a dude who will paint you a landscape while you knit a pair of nipples cozies with the clumps of silky hair from his brush. This is a dude who will pick you a bouquet of dandelions and daisies outside of the college theater where he's rehearsing an all-male production of The Odd Couple: Female Version (progressive, I know). This is also a dude who won't lose the sparkle in his eyes or the smile in his mouth when he snaps and attacks you with the gold oil lamp he bought you at a flea market last weekend. No, forget that last part. Stephen's got the good kind of crazy in his eyes and not the "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME THIS ONCE!" kind. I think.

Source: Reddit via Buzzfeed