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When some readers of Shape Magazine saw this cover of Falcor LeAnn Rimes, they raised their fists into the air, fell out of their lawn chairs and kicked a baby squirrel nibbling on a nut nearby. They couldn't believe that such a pristine, decent and morally upstanding publication like Shape would interview a no good, dick snatching slut whore like LeAnn. How dare Shape dirty their freshly starched nun habit with LeAnn's stank! They should only feature virgin bunnies on their cover (I'd totally get a subscription to Shape if they only featured virgin bunnies on their cover).

So a bunch of readers (aka Brandi Glanville using a hundred Gmail accounts) wrote angry e-mails to the editor demanding to know the meaning of this! The editor-in-chief Valerie Latona wrote many of them back and she didn't tell them to chew on Brandi Glanville's taint. Instead she apologized and said the magazine made a mistake by putting a noted "husband stealer" on their cover. AHAHAHAHA. You know LeAnn's ex has got a kumqat-tini in his paw and is laughing all theatrical-like at this unnecessary drama.

Here's a copy of the e-mail from TooFab that Valerie sent out:

Subject: To my dear Shape readers

You are all in good company (why I'm e-mailing you all together) as you all agree Shape has made a terrible mistake in putting LeAnn Rimes on the cover.

Please know that our putting her on the cover was not meant to put a husband-stealer on a pedestal-but to show (through her story) how we all are human. And this woman in particular found strength in exercise in what she said was her most difficult personal moment.

But it did not come across that way ... And for that I'm terribly sorry.

I hope that we can do better the next time for those of you that will give us another chance.

Humbly,

Valerie

To be honest, Shape should apologize. But not because they put LeAnn Rimes on the cover. But because they put that shitty picture on the cover. Apology accepted, Valerie!

Patricia and David Arquette showed up to the Onexone Gala in NYC last night and I guess every reporter was asking her to comment on the current status of her brother's marriage. Patricia basically told reporters that if a question about her brother starts to tingle on their tongue, they should excuses themselves, go to the bathroom, pull down their pants and try to lick on their own assholes because that's a better use of their time than asking her about family issues. This is what Patricia said (via UsWeekly):

"How are you doing? How is your kid doing? Have you ever had anything happen in your life? What’s the worst thing that you’ve ever had happen to you? Do you ever masturbate? Have you ever had an abortion? I mean, can you imagine these kind of questions? Can you imagine? Can you imagine? It’s not alright! It’s not alright!"

This is why I'm not a reporter, because I probably would've answered seriously with: Eh. Who? Not really. Witnessing this video. I'm doing it right now. Probably.

But seriously, why are these reporters asking Patricia Arquette about David Arquette when they have David Arquette in front of them. David will tell them whatever they want to know. ANYTHING. David has already told Howard Stern that he hasn't sexed his wife in months and that he cried tears the first time he stuck it in another snatch. So basically, David is wide open for you. Want to know if his shits are banana-shaped? David will answer that. Want to know if David really cried because it was the first time he had sex without getting interrupted by a call from Jennifer Aniston? David will tell you this!

Besides, reporters should be asking Patricia more important things! Like why hasn't she done a remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? with Alexis Arquette yet?

And you're all probably making the same "not this shit again" face as old girl in the back after reading Howard K. Stern's name. Three years after Anna Nicole Smith went off to heaven where every angel is a sugar daddy, her former life stalker and bad shit supplier Howard K. Stern was found guilty of two counts of conspiracy for delivering pills to her on a silver platter even though he knew she was an addict. The jury did acquit his ass of 7 other felony charges.

One of Anna Nicole's doctors, Khristine Eroshevich was also convicted of four charges, but her other doctor Sandeep Kapoor got a not guilty stamped on all of his charges and he's free to go.

The D.A. says that Howard K. and Khristine both face up to 3 years of scrubbing their assholes with government soap in prison. But a legal expert type tells E! Online that there's no way Howard K. Stern will face the booty bandits in prison. They say he will get probation since he's got a clean record. Sentencing has been scheduled for January 6th.

And in the dusty community center of a mobile home park somewhere, Cousin Shelly, Sugar Pie and Kimmie are all toasting to this news with Dixie cups filled with Cisco and Hill Country soda! Happy America (copyright: Mama Lynn)!

Demi Moore obviously ripped off the bottom of her dress so she'd be ready to bust out her "gorilla giving birth to an ostrich egg" moves later. Demi is always ready! - Popsugar

Keira Knightley has the posture of Gollum - Lainey Gossip

Capri Anderson was Charlie Sheen's paid poon after all. Okay, I forgive her - The Superficial

RiRi's bulging alien chest balls aside, she's holding her own umbrella! I did not know celebrities knew how to do this - Hollywood Tuna

Heidi Klum presents Trannyformers as seen through eyes of Nicki Minaj costume - The Berry

Fergie is definitely wearing one of Blanche's favorite after-sex cover ups (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ick. Nast. - Towleroad

Actually, I like my eggs scrambled with cheese and some hot sauce on the side since your ass is asking - Crunk + Disorderly

Harvey Price, come get your mom's dollar menu wig - Holy Moly!

Taylor Swift's wax figure might be hotter than her - Popoholic

Pervin' for peace - NYC Barstool Sport

The original Sister Wives are saying goodbye next season - ICYDK

Sharon Stone is looking hot - Celebitchy

Terrifyingly cute puppies for Halloween - Cityrag

Hopefully, Gargamel will make a cameo in the sequels - Just Jared

Brit Brit is back with her true heartmate after cheating on it the other day - Hollywood Rag

Jessica Simpson makes a funny - I'm Not Obessed

Courtney Love has been so well behaved lately (okay, for like a week) and frankly I've been worried about her, so it warms the factory defected hot plate known as my soul to see her pulling her old tricks out of her bag. You know, I'd rather Courtney use that finger to type out a profound Facebook rant that turns my brains into the consistency of creamed salmon, but this is still a win on all levels.

While shopping for stuff in West Hollywood yesterday, Courtney flipped off the paps and then delivered a real "fuck you in the face" when she bent over and revealed her her Styrofoam plate of parmesan chicken cutlets (no relation to you know who).

And later in the night, Court washed her pits with a towelette from El Pollo Loco to attend the amFAR Gala at Chateau Marmont. Yes, Court sort of looks like a wax statute of Madge made from dollar store tea lights and the box of birthday candles your mom uses every single year, but I still think she's looking good (written while completely sober...maybe that's the problem).

Is there anything Katy Perry's tits can't shoot out? Does that mug of Swiss Miss on your desk need a little dressing? Well, Katy Perry's boobs can spray a dollop of canned whipped cream on that shit. And in her new video for Firework, Katy shows us that we don't need to pay a visit to The Bang Bang Lady and The Boom Boom Girl, because she can give us an inspirational firework show just by sticking her chest out. Caretitty Stare!

Source: Made in Brazil via Towleroad

On the left is Kelly Osbourne filling my head with a half a cup of "No really, Harpo, who dis woman?" and a half cup of "YOU ARE NOT JACK SOMMERSBY" as Goldfinger's Shirley Eaton for the launch of Sky+HD. On the right is David Walliams also drenched in Kanye West's ass saliva as Shirley Eaton for Heat Magazine.

I'm happy that Kelly feels comfortable enough to proudly flaunt her body like a born and bred nudist now that she's lost some chunk, but my point goes to David for this one. Only David can pair a prairiedogginface with an "I'm so scared" pose and make it work!

Ignore the lipstick. Doji just has it out to write "HELP ME" on the gas station bathroom mirror later. So, there's a happy ending (sort of) to the Incarceration of Doji Saga. The quacked out Quaids' dog Doji was forced to do the perp crawl to the animal shelter in Vancouver this past weekend when his owners were busted for sneaking into Canada. Doji's fate was thrown up into the air, because the Quaids didn't know when they would be able to bail him out. But right after Randy and Evi Quaid were released from an immigration detention center yesterday afternoon, they made their way to the animal shelter to free Doji! They're all together again ("FML" - Doji to himself)!!!!

As for the Quaids, Canada's Border Service Agency was able to confirm that Evi is a citizen of their fair country because her father is Canadian. She's one of you, CANADA! Evi's cage door was opened. Randy was also released after he posted $10,000 bail.

The Quaids are expected to beg for refugee status in a hearing today. They still believe that the whackers of Hollywood are after them. Canada will decide whether or not they are going to deport those crazy bitches back to the US to faces vandalism charges in Santa Barbara.

Randy told reporters outside of the animal shelter that he's hoping to start a new life in Canadaland!

“I come to Canada and the people have always embraced me warmly here. I have always enjoyed coming here. It’s not a question of either or. I like this place. I like that place. I just want a place where I can work and enjoy my life and not feel that someone is always following me around and trying to steal from me.

I have nothing against my beloved America. I love my country and have been very, very happy there."

I know I should joke about how Doji is going to make his escape by freezing fear into Randy and Evi when he disguises himself as a "Hollywood whacker," but I bet they really love him so. One of the craziest crazies I've ever known treated his dog like it was a unicorn prince. Dude used to taste his dog's food to make sure it wasn't spoiled or anything. And he regularly canceled plans with me, because he felt his dog wanted him to stay home. No, I'm not talking about myself..... But that Paul Newman dog food doesn't taste that awful.

When this cover of Justin Bieber on Brazilian tween magazine Todateen Star made the rounds, many accused them of abusing every tool in Photoshop to turn him into the new face of Maybelline's baby collection. But a rep for Todateen says that there is no "maybe" in "maybe she's born with it" when it comes to Justin Bieber. Todateen told HuffPo that they didn't use any Photoshoppery to make Justin's eyes look like that of a bunny's:

We could not help noticing your comments and tweets from the picture of Justin on the cover of Star Todateen. We would like to say that there was no change made in the area of the singer's eyes. We had a technical problem that darkens certain areas of the photo. We also want to say that all of us find Justin very naturally beautiful. We'd never think it's necessary to alter pictures of him. Natural beauty says it all, right?

But what is the reason for why Justin's rose-lined lips remind me of my mom's faded lipstick after she drinks 3 glasses of white wine and forgets to reapply? No, I should not question his organic prettiness. This confirms that Justin naturally looks like a Barbie Head styled by Rojo Caliente. That Justin, she's born with it!

The naked trick who locked herself in a bathroom out of fear that Charlie Sheen would bring harm upon her by making her watch a full episode of Two and a Half Men has been IDed as 22-year-old fuck film star Capri Anderson (government name: Christina Walsh).

Capri is not only known as the latest piece who has stared into Charlie's engorged coke eyes, but now she's known as the porn star who has starred in some of the most boringly named movies ever (examples: Damn She's A Lesbian, Until There Was You, Meow, Girlz Town, and Matt's Models 11). Well, now that she's linked to Charlie Sheen she can dazzle up her resume a bit by starring in movies called Twelve and a Half Inches, Hot Shots! Part Doo Doo (do not ask what that one's about), Sugarwall Street, Eight Men In, Peentoon, etc...

TMZ says that Capri and Charlie met for the first time on Monday night for dinner with a bunch other people at Daniel. Denise Richards stopped by for a quick second but the flaming foolery blasting from the table was too much for her to deal with so she jumped onto the evacuation slide and went back to The Plaza. Flash forward to Charlie's freakout...

Capri told police that Charlie didn't accuse her of stealing his wallet as has been reported, he thought she took one of his expensive watches. Even though Capri denied snatching his watch (cut to her snatch spitting out his watch hours later as Capri cackles), Charlie still went on a rampage. Capri's story is that she didn't take anything belonging to Charlie. Capri is also telling friends that Charlie never paid her to get nekkid ass nekkid and she doesn't appreciate that she's been painted as a leased whore.

Wait. So Capri wants people to know that she was willing to suck on Charlie's soft serve cokey cock for FREE?! Like, no dinero exchanged? Since Charlie was allegedly coked up like Parasite Hilton's pussy, it might have taken Capri hours upon hours to get Charlie's peen semi awake. And she was going to do that without him passing her a white envelope across the dresser?! I can't look at you anymore, Capri!

Just when I was about to give her the nickname CAPRI SUN, the bitch puts a dark cloud over all us whores. I wouldn't care if the police threw me in the hooker pen for committing acts of prostitution whoring. Sitting on the concrete floor in a cold cell is better than admitting to giving Charlie Sheen an on-the-house-fuck.

There's more pictures of Capri (NSFW) at her website. Do not click if you're going to have Quaker's Strawberries & Cream Instant Oatmeal for breakfast.