With a replica of Vinny's Ewok-busting dick in her hand, Snooki hosted some Halloween party at Jet in Las Vegas dressed in costume as a pickle princess. Yes, a fucking pickle princess. The Vlasic Stork just swan dived into an active volcano. No, he would never do that since Snooki doesn't really look like a pickle princess. Snooki looks more like the scaly fungus that is found underneath The Situation's foreskin, or what would fall out of an Oompa Loompa's doopity doo hole if it mated with Little Green Sprout.
Even some of the biggest sluts I know have cut back on their random acts of ho shit out of fear that the scariest blood-sucking creature in New York (next to that old wheezy queen Carl Paladino, of course) will jump off of their one-night-stand's mattress and onto their nalgas to EAT EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIVES! I mean, a couple of weeks ago I watched some hot drunken ho with the bottom of her dress practically riding up to her neck stumble out of a bar and land right on an old sidewalk sofa. In her one moment of clarity, this bitch jumped off of it like it was Mel Gibson's face and started screaming about BED BUGS!!!! See, those asshole bed bugs are ruining everybody's game! But apparently, there's one bitch out here who HAHAHAHAs at our bed bug overlords.
Look at Hugh Jackmeoff lying on a giant bed bug nest like nothing while his daughter and wife think to themselves that they should pick up a few face masks and turtlenecks on the way home since they might have the complexion of Paris Hilton's labia in a few days.
The Grand High Witch (as perfectly played by Anjelica Huston) from The Witches!
There's no better way to start your Halloween than with an eye full of the child hating, mouse killing, chocolate terrorist monster witch of destruction from The Witches! Back in the day, this shit could force a toddler to side-eye a piece of chocolate out of sheer fear that nibbling on it would turn them into witch bait. And as adults, it still has the power to scare a Sunday morning hangover out of you (I wish) since this is exactly what Donatella Versace (or Kunty Karl, take your pick) looks like in the morning before she chants to the demons she sold her soul to while slathering her bones in the blended skins of a dozen village virgins.
Here's a clip of Anjelica transforming herself from glamorous grand dame of sophistication into a hot bitch that will slither out from under your bed tonight to demand that you feed her a Cosmo! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Vanilla Ice (43)
Tinkerbell Hilton (8)
Willow Smith (10)
Justin Chatwin (28)
Samaire Armstrong (30)
Eddie Kaye Thomas (30)
Piper Perabo (34)
Annabella Lwin (44)
Rob Schneider (47)
Dermot Mulroney (47)
Larry Mullen Jr. (49)
Peter Jackson (49)
Brian Stokes Mitchell (53)
Jane Pauley (60)
Deidre Hall (63)
Stephen Rea (64)
David Ogden Stiers (68)
Sally Kirkland (69)
Ron Rifkin (71)
Dan Rather (79)
Lee Grant (83)
And a new stoner hero has emerged in a honey bear wearing a head wig (at least I think that's a wig)! While talking about legalizing the good shit in California on Real Time with Bill Maher last night, Zach Galifianakis lit up a fresh joint to show that smoking weed isn't a big deal and isn't going to instantly turn you into a Funyun-devouring sloth beast (that takes a few minutes to kick in). The Boo Boo Bear of stoners was gracious enough to pass his shit around, but everyone including Bill Maher took a pass.
At least I think that's a marijuana joint, but Zach could've been smoking the dick hairs that Mel Gibson ripped out of his own crotch when he found out he was fired from the Hangover 2. Or maybe that's what Zach's toupee is made out of.
Doesn't it just put a shit on your day when a dude in a crocodile mask steals your shine? Although, the hot piece with the third-degree Heidi Fleiss face (see thumbnail #5) is giving Croc Dude some serious competition.
Nevermind that Tara Reid's face looks like a Detective La Toya mask printed on onionskin paper, I'm more concerned that she's so covered up on Whore-o-peen, the one time of the year (besides New Year's, your cousin's wedding, casual Friday, Saturday night, Sunday morning mass, certain week nights, Tiger Woods' birthday, etc...etc...) where you get a standing ovation for putting your inner easy access skank on display.
I mean, even though she's wearing Kim Zolciak's sleeping wig and a dress right out of Noah Cyrus' closet, this is still straight-up puritan shit for Tara Reid. I mean, her nipple plates are fully covered up and I'm not even bracing myself for a possible peek-a-poon situation. Hmm. Maybe Halloween is amateur hour for Tara, so she's letting the wannabes have their little fun.
Here's more of the Big Lots Barbie with friends at Cipriani's Halloween party last night in NYC.
At least that's what The Sun says SamRo told her friend who told The Sun. SamRo has already shaken her head NO to the rumor that she's got the remnants of Xtina's lead-based bronzer all over her hot pocket, but maybe she should tell that to her friend. Music producer Marlon David says Xtina, SamRo and an unnamed fuck partner had a threesome down in Mexico. And while SamRo was slurping on Xtina's tequila worm, she came (stop right there) to the realization that red lipstick don is a "hot piece of ass." Marlon opened his pie hole and spilled this out onto the floor of The Sun:
"Jordan was never comfortable with Xtina liking girls but he thought it would make the marriage work. Sam said she had a threesome with Xtina in Mexico last month, that's when she realized she was a 'hot piece of ass'. Sam said Xtina is 'horny as a college freshman'."
I realize that SamRo insists on posing like a douchebag frat boy who always feels like he has to overcompensate for the fact that he's not happy with his (NSFW) weeping willow foreskin, but does she have to talk like one to? I mean, "horny as a college freshmen"? And I bet that after she said that, she made Marlon smell her fingers since she hasn't washed them since Mehico. Okay, that made me swoon at the loins a bit. Ugh. I always fall for the douchebag frat boys. Even the douchebag frat boys with vaginas.
It is not the year for Zsa Zsa Gabor and her husband Prince Von Anhalt. While Zsa Zsa rested on her pink satin princess bed under the crystal chandelier that only sparkles for her, P-Vo was sunning his schnitzel by the pool. But his moment of relaxation was cut short by the rudest and whoriest bee in Beverly Hills. TMZ says that a bee flew into his mouth and did ass-to-froat with him without asking. The bee stung him right in the goddamn throat!
Before Prince Von knew it, he was turning blue and his throat started to swell up. He was shuffled off to the emergency room and admitted into the hospital. Apparently, he's been there since Wednesday.
Bees always remind me of my abuelita who really is their greatest arch rival. When I was little, she would spend hours in the backyard trying to catch bees with her bare hands. Imagine if you were a bee and got caught by an old lady hand? Embarrassing! So when she'd get her hand on a bee, she'd sting herself in the leg with it. It soothed her arthritis or some shit. I don't know. It was probably the secret to how she found the strength to wield a mighty chankla around. That's it.
And at least Prince Von Anhalt can tell people he now knows what it feels like to give Gerard Slutler a beej without lining his froat with a female condom first.
Rowan, the Stevie Wonder of dogs! Rowan is a German Spitz dog who was born without any eyeballs in his head, so he uses the echoes from his barks to guide him around. The happy part is that he's happy and looks like he's just playing a really long game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey. The sad part is that he'll never see how cute he is. Okay, the second sad part is that his ass is barking all the damn time! But Rowan's owner Sam Orchard doesn't mind at all.
Sam tells SWNS that there's not much difference between Rowan and a dog who can see things, "People who meet Rowan can’t tell that he’s blind at first – they usually just ask why he’s got his eyes shut. He’s just amazing. He’s so independent and he has a really good life. He’s just like one of the other dogs.”
Below is a clip of Rowan demonstrating his advanced echolocation skills in Sam's garden. It's a shot of sad tears followed by an awwww chaser.