Glittery Gays of YouTube (or Dailymotion), this is your next assignment. Snatch your sister's favorite red "fuck me dress" from her closet, slather yourself in grease from the jar your grandma keeps under her kitchen sink and work on your "gimme the q-tip" faces in the mirror. These are the three key things you need to focus on when recreating Beyonce's commercial for her new perfume Beyonce Heat (aka Overheated Wig). Accept this mission, because this dreadful commercial could use some glitter.
This is just a quick update regarding the case of Tila Tequila's baby daddy. I know the mention of Tila Tequila's name makes your brain hurt, but this will be fast. Just squeeze my hand. I'll give you a lollipop afterwards.
Yesterday, Tila Tequila said the father of her unborn publicity stunt is The Game. The Game immediately went over to TMZ and denied this. The Game said he wouldn't touch her with 50 Cent's pole. Tila Tequila responded by barfing her homegrown brand of crazy all over Twitter. #straitjacket
Alex Reid, the dick tucking, cage fighting mongoloid boyfriend of Katie Price, beat out Dane Bowers and Vinnie Jones to win the final "Celebrity" Big Brother. Alex (or "Roxanne" if you like to pucker up to a peen wearing lipstick) won 65% of the public vote. In possibly related news, the entire water supply in the UK was tainted with MDMA minutes before the CBB voting began.
Soon after Alex ran back into the shit-stained arms of Katie Price, she declared, "He's the love of my life and he knows that." YES KATIE, we all know that! You only proclaim it on the cover of OK! Magazine every other week, you dumb bitch! Although, Alex might not know since there's a good chance he can't read. Hopefully, he subscribes to the audio version of OK!.
And I'm sure Harvey Price is thrilled that Celebrity Big Brother is over, because now he has his favorite punching bag back. All is well in the world.
Here's some pictures from last night! In order: Roxy Fart, Vinnie Jones, Stephanie Beacham, Sisqo (who looks like the stoop sale version of an Old Navy commercial), and Dane Bowers.
Here's another set of pictures of the jerky queen of Louisiana for you to add to your fashion inspiration look book. Don't forget to note that the red Solo cup (filled with equal parts Chek Lemon-Lime and Sam's Choice Grapefruit soda) is an integral part of this look.
Unfortunately, I don't have that fancy "get this look" feature that other sites have, but if you go to Bealls.com and enter in code "BRIT BRIT" this entire outfit will pop up (along with the red Solo cup).
Brace your genitals for another outbreak! MTV officially announced last night that Jersey Shore will be back for a second season. Pat, don't scratch when it starts to itch.
DJ Pauly D, Snooki Loompa, The Situation, Sammi Sweetheart, Ronnie, Vinny and JWoww have all signed on the dotted line. Angelina (the buzz killer whose luggage set is made by HEFTY) wasn't asked back. This is what MTV had to say for themselves:
"Our audience has fallen in love with Jersey Shore and its amazing cast who have really grown together as a family. That bond gives the show its heart, and we’re thrilled to reunite these friends to bring fans more of what they love — laughs, love, drama and of course, GTL."
TMZ reported a while ago that the whores of Jersey Shore turned down MTV's initial offer of $5,000 per episode. MTV eventually raised their offer to $10,000 per episode and told the cast they wouldn't go any higher than that. Who knows what they eventually settled on, but I'm sure Snookers is making enough money to keep her pickle jar full at all times.
MTV also added that the cast will leave the Northeast and go to a different location for season 2. Did you hear that, world?! NOWHERE IS SAFE. Get all your shots and stock up on booze, because your town might get hit next. Speaking of getting hit, hopefully Snooki will practice ducking on Wii boxing before shooting begins.
And here's some pictures that will definitely make you itch. It's JWoww looking as elegant as a middle-aged truck stop prosty at some club on Long Island the other night.
Twixx, the horny ass owl who is making his neighbors angry with his loud cries for sex!
12-year-old Twixx lives in a cage in the garden outside of his owner's house in England. Mrs. Whitfield, Twixx's owner, says she's never had complaints about Twixx's roars for owl pussy before, but recently it's become a problem. After a bunch of neighbors complained, the city council warned Mrs. Whitfield that if Twixx doesn't stop moaning for sexy times he'll have to find another place to live. Mrs. Whitfield doesn't know what to do, because she doesn't think she can find him another home due to his old age. She's afraid that she might have to put him down!!!!
It gets worse. Twixx's mating wail has attracted a wild female owl who is into his shit. The lady owl hangs out by Twixx's cage batting her eyelashes and puckering her beak. But Mrs. Whitfield is afraid to let him out, because she knows he won't survive in the wild. So imagine if someone Boxing Helena-ed you, and then waved a 9" inch dick just a few feet from your mouth. THE AGONY!
Seriously, this is sadder than a lesbian clown without a dildo. Poor Twixx! He just wants to pop his Tootsie roll! Can't Mrs. Whitfield make him an Owl real doll using a stuffed animal? Can't she let the lady owl into Twixx's cage so he can get a proper beak job finally? Twixx just can't go to heaven without getting his fuck on first. Hoot. Hoot.
And I couldn't find video of Twixx bawling for bagina, but just imagine the sounds Sienna Miller's snatch would make if it wasn't kissed by a peen head for more than 8 hours.
Here's a few more pictures of sex-starved Twixx with his equally ravishing owner Mrs. Whitfield. Maybe Mrs. Whitfield can let Twixx motorboa.....I'll stop.
Christian Bale (36) (Note: If you have never seen the ONTD post that proves Christan and Kermit the Frog were separated from each other seconds after coming out of the womb, then clear your calendar for the day and click here!)
Jake Thomas (20)
Kid Cudi (26)
Wilmer Valderrama (30)
Josh Kelley (30)
Andy Milonakis (34)
Jemima Khan (36)
Carolyn Kepcher (41)
Mary Kay Letourneau (48)
Jody Watley (51)
Brett Butler (52)
Phil Collins (59)
Charles S. Dutton (59)
Dick Cheney (69)
Vanessa Redgrave (73)
Gene Hackman (80)
Harold Prince (82)