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Dark Shadows was supposed to be Tim Burton's next project after Alice in Wonderland, but apparently he might stuff it in his cleavage for another day.

AICN (via Coming Soon) is hearing that instead of Dark Shadows, Tim might spread himself all over a live-action version of Sleeping Beauty. However, Tim wants to tell the story through the eyes of Maleficent, the hot bitch who gets that dumb ho Aurora to prick her finger on a spindle.

All the cunts of the world (Heather Mills, please stand up) should applaud this, because it's a victory any time one of our own gets the spotlight.

And since Helena Bonham Carter is fucking the director, I'll bet the Fry Daddy I got for Christmas (MY PRIDE AND JOY) on her getting the title role. But personally, I think Tim Burton should cast his other leading lady: Johnny Depp. Maleficent as a pre-op transsexual does make all kinds of sense. Bitch wore all that damn fabric over her body to hide her tuck. Maleficent could be Johnny Depp's Crying Game!

Almost a week after she debuted her new auto-tuned face on People Magazine, Heidi Montag went on Good Morning America today to try to move her mouth while talking about why she turned herself into a Joan Rivers real doll (4 words that can send the strongest of genitals into a coma).

If you're too afraid that watching the entire interview above might cause you to hate your dildo for being made out of silicone, here's some quotes that'll test your gag reflex:

On bitches saying that she's addicted to plastic surgery: "I would say that none of those people know me at all, and that's just a judgment. I'm not addicted. If I were addicted, I would have had 10 plastic surgeries. I really had 2 different surgeries. I had one three years ago, and one that I had several procedures one, weeks ago. If you're addicted, you have to do it all the time."

On bitches saying she looks like a clearance bin Barbie: "I hope I have my own Barbie one day. I think I look like myself. I think I just look like a different, improved version of myself."

On the message she's sending to young girls who look up to her (GULP!!!): "My main message is that beauty is within..... I'm living in my skin, and I look in the mirror and it's my career and my life, and you only have one. So, I want to take advantage of everything and be the best me, in and out, every way."

On bitches saying her plastic-over is just a publicity stunt to promote her album: "No, that's all God's timing."

The best part of this mess is when Heidi is asked to sing something. Fortunately for all the earsdrums in the room, Heidi politely declined, because she said her jaw was still delicate from surgery. Well, bitch just blew (punned on purpose) her music career. No producer is going to ever want to "work" with her again after finding out she has a temperamental jaw.

After putting her Juniper Visa into a deeper coma by buying a bunch of dumb shit at Alive + Olivia yesterday, one of HoHan's dog friends was kind of enough to give her an impromptu psychic reading and let her take a glimpse into her future. Unfortunately for HoHan, the dog's hairy b-hole was not dingle-free, so I guess White Oprah and Michael Lohan are here to stay!

We suppose this doesn’t really need to be a blind, so we’ll reveal it soon. This MTV reality star from a new popular show frequents the same restaurant on a regular basis. According to a waitress at the place, the star is a total jerk. He is a famously low tipper (usually around $1.00 per ticket) and makes sexist remarks to all the female staff. (He once told a waitress “Don’t get your hopes up because I’m not leaving my phone number on a napkin.” To which she replied, “Uh, I don’t want your phone number, thanks.”) The best part is, he is constantly checking himself out in the mirrors and windows, the reflection on his cell phone, and even uses his spoon to fix his hair. When he has company with him, he spends more time looking at himself than whoever he is with. Not Brody Jenner. (BuzzFoto)

The Delusion Situation, of course. The grossest part is that I still would. I know I have to dip my situation into a big bowl of ice for slobbering over The Situation and his Don Knotts-looking face.

There are many people who like to show off new purchases. They’ll allow you to sit in their new car, or give you a tour of their new house. But who knew that you could squeeze a woman’s breasts just by asking? During a Golden Globes after-party, this is the scene that went down. One of the night’s nominated actors couldn’t stop staring at another young nominee’s chest. When he finally got to speak with her, the first thing he asked her was if her breasts were real. “No!” she laughed. “They were a present from xxxxx. But they sure look real, don’t they?” The actor agreed, then told the woman that he was an expert on breasts, and that the only sure way to tell was if he squeezed them. She allowed herself to be led into a more quiet corner of the party, and then gave him access. He returned to the group with a big smile on his face and proclaimed “They’re fake, but they’re really good fakes!” (Blind Gossip)

January Jones was photographed leaving a party on Sunday night with a face full of regret and Jeremy Piven at her side (the two usually go hand in hand). So I'll go with them.

This A list television star has a bit of a drinking problem. More than a bit, but it definitely isn't blind item worthy. What is though is that while drinking our actor loves to switch teams. Get him drunk and he shifts from women to men in a flash. One of his favorite places for a quick hookup is a bar in New York he frequents which closes down just for him and his friends. (CDAN)

Kiefer Sutherland or Alec Baldwin? I'll go with the former actually, because when Keef gets a little bit of the sweet nectar in him, he falls in love with everything from ladies to dudes to Christmas trees.

The Empress of Lucite continues to demonstrate to her young daughters the importance of presenting yourself as a refined lady in public - Hollywood Tuna

Dear Cathy Horyn of the NY Times, do not hate on the CHICHIS- Jezebel

Whitney Port's personality is just like her bikini: beige - Egotastic!

JLo opens Lopez Tonight, doesn't fall on her ass....unfortunately - Lainey Gossip

How can Kate Moss resist this mop of raw sex? - Holy Moly!

Glee's Kurt is finally going to get some action - Towleroad

Kim Kardashian and a big ass pillow. Not what you think. (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Johnny Depp topless on GQ - Just Jared

Katy Perry is a follower of the gospel according to guidos - Popsugar

Rojo Caliente was robbed of yet another title - Popoholic

Brooke Shields has a touch of the Nicolas Cages - Hollywood Rag

Chris March's GG dress for Meryl Streep needed more human hair - Celebitchy

The globes of the Globes - Cityrag

Noooooooo! - SOW

RPattz will be a presenter on George Clooney's Haiti telethon this Friday - Socialite Life

Beyonce is turning the back of her weave on Sasha Fierce. How un-Sasha Fierce of her - Celebitchy

Becks is learning how to cook so Posh has pretty plates of food to stare at while she nibbles on the ice from her water - I'm Not Obsessed

Pee-Wee Herman returns to L.A., and this time he kept his peen in his pants (I think) - Popbytes

Kristen Bell proves that Radioman can make even the limpest piece of asparagus look interesting just by standing next to it - ICYDK

Last night in Milan, a willowy swan rose flew out of Bobby Trendy's flaming hole and sashayed down the runway for DSquared. You know, for years I wondered why the phrase "Work it, girl" even exists. Now I finally know the true reason why RuPaul's nipple gave birth to the phrase under a disco ball many years ago. It was born just so we could all shout it while salivating glitter over these pictures of Tokio Hotel's Bill Kaulitz stomping on hos on the catwalk.

If Glamberace and Johnny Weir made beautiful love in the bathroom of a Wienerschnitzel, their creme de la cum loads would mix together and create this opulent nymph you see before you. EXTRAVAGANZAAA!

Hundreds of Cocoholics (or are we calling them Con-heads?) gathered in NYC, Los Angeles and Chicago yesterday to rally for their ginge hero! The Conan O'Brien fans in Los Angeles even stood for hours outside of NBC studios while massive amounts of cold smog rain fell on top of them. When they start coughing up chunks of their lungs in a few days, they should ask Coco to pay their medical bills. And word on the Internet is that he can afford it now!

TMZ is saying that Conan and NBC have reached a settlement agreement. The peacock will put $32.5 million into Conan's pocket to go away. A source went on to say that NBC will also hack up another $7.5 million for Conan's staff. As part of the agreement, Conan can't take his act to another network until September. But if Conan does sign a contract with another network, NBC would only be obligated to pay the difference. So if FOX gives him $25 mill, NBC will only owe him $7.5 mill.

I know, you came to this blog to read the word "fuck" over and over again, not to do math. Basically, every equation ends with the same answer: Conan is still richer than Tiger Woods' Ambien supplier.

And Conan might have to have sic the soulless ginge on NBC, because the source also claims that once he leaves the network, he can't take any of his characters with him. That means Triumph and the Masturbating Bear will have to continue to live in the storage room at The Tonight Show. They will be pissed. I hope Jay Leno loves bear jizz and dog poo on his chin.

At a Golden Globes pre-party in Los Angeles on Friday night, People Magazine wanted to ask Stepford Kate a few questions about 3-year-old Suri since she's the most famous and interesting bot in that family.

People asked Katie how Suri was doing, then they turned her around and yanked on her pull-string for the answer. Katie responded with, "She's doing really well." People pulled again, "She's growing up really, really fast." The third time they pulled on her string, Katie started sputtering the lyrics to an ABBA song (Tommy Girl's doing), so People had to shake her a bit. Then they pulled her string again and she went on about Suri, "She is spectacular. She is magical."

Even Suri is rolling her eyes to that as she touches up her MAC lipstick. I mean, can't Tommy Girl update Stepford Katie's vocabulary, so she can stop describing everything as "spectacular" and "magical." Bitch is the Snow White of robots.

Besides, if Suri really did have magical powers, she would've turned her parents into a pair of Jimmy Choos by now.

Kate Moss received a very special ring from her boyfriend Count Von Count on her 36th birfday in Mustique. No, he didn't get her an extra-deep coke ring. Kate already has a jooree box full of those. Count Von Count got her a sparkly engagement ring.

A source tells the Daily Mail that Kate had no idea Count Von Count was going to propose. Kate picked out the ring in London and surprised her by flying to Mustique. The source added, "Kate was stunned, Jamie called her up and told her not to come home. He said he was flying out to Mustique. He had carefully picked a ring and chose her birthday to propose. It was the first time they had been alone together in quite a while and it was extremely emotional. Kate and Jamie are in a very good place, they already live together and this is the next step to settling down for good."

The dealers are weeping this morning, because Kate and Pete Doherty were the Princess Di and Prince Charles of their time. A sad day at the crackhouse.

And while Kate was slipping on her new engagement ring, I'm sure Pete Doherty was somewhere scratching the ringworm on his groin. Star-crossed lovers forever.....

Here's a flambeed (Jack and coke glow?) Kate Moss with her maybe fiance at the airport in London yesterday.