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Kourtney Kardashian's tortured baby Mason Dash Dicksick isn't even a month old and he's already got a few magazine covers stuffed into his diapers. And in every picture I've seen of him, Mason's got his eyes sealed shut as if he's just seen Bruce Jenner's face.

I know you're probably saying some shit about how all newborns keep their eyes shut, but this is Kourtney Kardashian's baby we're talking about. That boy does not want to witness a trainwreck over and over again. Mason only opens one of his eyes to see if the coast is clear so he can make his escape.

When Mason wiggles his ears, Kourtney probably thinks her soothing voice is tickling his lobes. NO BITCH, he's just trying to find a way to close his ear holes too.

And is it just me, or does Kourtney have 5 o'clock Khloe face on that cover?

Source: Life & Style via Cover Awards

Dexter's Michael C. Hall delivered some sad face news today. Michael announced that he has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. Michael said he was fortunate enough to be diagnosed with a "treatable and curable" condition. He's almost finished with treatment and said the cancer is in remission. He plans to continue to undergo treatment.

Michael's rep also said that he's not going to let that shit fuck with his life and he will attend the Golden Globes this Sunday with his wife/on-screen sister Jennifer Carpenter. Michael is up for Best Actor in a Drama.

Here's hoping that Michael pulls a Dexter and murders that cancer.

via People

One of you hos sent me these pictures of Matt LeBlanc with the subject: BITCH ATE ED!!! You know who you are and you owe me another Mr. Pibb (I refuse to call it Pibb Xtra). I'll be sending your ass an invoice.

The truth is, Matt doesn't look like he ate ED. Yes, he's built like Jon Gosselin after a long bowel movement, and he's got a dash of pepawness in hair, but you know you still would.

Personally, Matt reminds me of that uncle who used to sneak you beer when you were a kid. Then when you got older and could buy your own beer, he still passed you beer on the down low thinking he was doing you a big favor.

Pour a can of SpaghettiOs out for its creator Donald Goerke who passed away on Sunday from heart failure. Donald was 83. And now you can let out an "UH OH" if you haven't already.

Donald was not only responsible for creating the iconic blood cell soup enjoyed by chirruns, drunks and college students everywhere, but he also helped produce Campbell's Chunky Soup. Donald retired from Campbell in 1990 after devoting 35 years to the company.

Once I finish eating my first dinner of cupcakes in honor of STAINS, I will eat a second dinner of SpaghettiOs casserole in honor of Donny G. It's going to be a night.

R.I.P. Mr. SpaghettiOs

via MSNBC (Thanks Stock Broker)

It can be hard to breathe when you’re as young and as famous as he is. He copes in public situations not unlike many of his counterparts in the industry – as alarming as this sounds, a bump here and there is pedestrian in Hollywood. He’s been known however to lock himself in the bathroom and blow until he can face the world. But a word of advice to our fresh star – people know, and they are watching, and they are offering money to those around you, some friendly, some unfriendly, to catch you in a compromising position. So be careful who you trust. Fortunately, for your sake, so far they’ve refused to sell you out. But everyone has a price. People with children and mortgages have a price. And eventually someone will cave. And if you’re still hiding out in the toilet and rubbing your nose in it, suffice to say that photo can set them up for life. Careful now. (Lainey Gossip)

This sounds like RPattz, but I think the unicorns who frolic through his magic forest hair are the ones snorting the bad shit in the bathroom. RPattz is just their enabler.

This out of control funny man B list movie actor is engaged to be married to a celebrity. What his fiancee' doesn't know though is that our funnyman actor got married about two years ago when he was drunk in Vegas. He kept meaning to get it annulled but never did. Meanwhile since it happened he has lost track of the woman he married that night. His people are searching frantically for her so they can get the marriage annulled before his fiancee' finds out about it and before he gets married to her. (CDAN)

Russell Brand? And if this was a romantic comedy starring Russell Brand his missing wife would turn out to be Katy Perry's best friend played by Kate Hudson.

If this is true, it’s just plain crazy. We hear that this ‘married couple’ is involved in more of a business arrangement than a romance. It’s not that unusual, since people have been using marriage for many things throughout history. We just think it’s sad there are actual transactions involved here – the monetary kind, trust us, not the sexual kind. One of the partners is paying the other a hefty stipend as an incentive to stay hitched. The receiving partner needs the money because of a drug habit and gambling issues and the other is inclined to give it to fight off rumors of sexuality/bad past/unattractiveness. Both in the relationship are celebrities, both have been up against speculation, and both are all about the PR to keep the ball rolling on their different needs being fulfilled by the marriage. Not Katie and Tom. (BuzzFoto)

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban? Or Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith? Or Fuggie and Josh Duhamel?

Horsey Montag got 10 plastic surgeries in 1 day to look like a transsexual burn victim. Horsey forgot to do one more surgery: get her fucking mouth sewn shut - Just Jared

Add this one to the pile: RiRi is topless again - Egotastic!

Posh's face is scaring America - Holy Moly!

The Photoshop Awards: Cristiano Ronaldo's Emporio Armani panty ads - Towleroad

It was very green of Cheryl Cole to re-purpose one of Oksana Baiul's Ice Capades' costumes - Hollywood Tuna

ScarJo makes a MeganFoxface for IN New York - Popoholic

DeAnna Pappas is still whoring for clicks (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

John Mayer is trying to make the Brits laugh. It's not happening. - Lainey Gossip

Penny and Javier's synchronized ass grab - Popsugar

Tiger Woods' penis is talking to a therapist in rehab - Celebitchy

Avatar is making people depressed. And not because they realized they spent $20 to watch Fern Gully performed by overgrown Smurfs - I'm Not Obsessed

Delusional: JLo still is - Hollywood Rag

Billy Goat Brad and St. Angie ruined Zahara's birthday - Popbytes

Dr. Drew was a cokehead once - ICYDK

If you ever need a loan (Gary Coleman, this one goes to you), ask one of these couples - Cityrag

YES! Keanu Reeves bathed himself and got down with a razor - SOW

And let's all take a few seconds out from pointing and laughing at dumb celebwhores to donate our weekly Happy Hour money (or more) to the victims of the earthquake in Haiti. You can text the word HAITI to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross. If that's not going to work for you, here's a list of organizations you can donate to.

You were probably already planning on having a half dozen cupcakes for dinner tonight, and now you can have a 7th thanks to STAINS' landslide win in the first round of the Hot Slut of the Year pageant. STAINS hypnotized 44% of you to vote for his ass. Actually, he probably hypnotized one of you into voting for him 7,822 times. STAINS powers of persuasion knows no bounds. So who will join STAINS in the final dance-off to the death?! Here are your choices:

July: Maru
August: Vogue Evolution
September: Grace Coddington
October: Abuelita Chocolate
November: Dolores the Nekkid Bear
December: Jersey Shore's Snooki

Throw your eyeballs to the right side of these words to vote. No, all the way to the right. Keep going, keep going. You know you're not going to find it if you keep reading this. GO!

The winning slut will be announced this time tomorrow!

Billy Goat Brad, get your notepad out! This is how one wears a beard. Well, unless Brad actually likes spending his time picking out pieces of clitty litter and baby snot.

Here's Jon Hamm taking his beard and dog out for a stroll in Los Angeles yesterday. Don't lie, you know you want to put that leash on and bark while lifting your leg up (Um. I might just be speaking for myself).

In an open letter released yesterday, Conan O'Brien told NBC to fuck a chin in the politest way possible. TMZ says that this triggered NBC to run off to Jay Leno to begin negotiations for him to take over as the host of The Tonight Show again. But a source tells Popeater that Jay has dropped to his knees, put his hand over his forehead and declared that he's disgusted by the way NBC is treating him and Conan. Jay is about to jump on Conan's back so the two can ride out of NBC together.

Put on your dunce caps and read what this source had to say, "Now that Conan has made it clear he is leaving the troubled network, Jay is considering doing the same. They have put Jay in a terrible position. It looks like he is the reason that Conan is now without a job. Jay is a great guy and it's not fair that due to NBC's stupidity he looks like the bad guy. Plus, what happens when Jay does return to the 11:35 slot if his audience doesn't immediately follow? How can he possibly trust the same network that canceled Conan after only seven months?"

Does this mean there's a good chance there will be a Law & Order: Night Court Edition starring Marsha Warfield. No, there isn't a good chance, because this source is full of spuds. There's no way Jay is going to leave NBC. Hell, he's probably holding the box of baby wipes as NBC removes the ginge spot from their peacock.

And while we're on the subject, here's a performance artist's dramatic interpretation of NBC's current state.

In case you don't have an eye for art, the performance artist represents NBC and the ice cream cup represents NBC's ass.

Video via Videogum (Say that three times)