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If your dick doesn't make a vagina call 911 upon first sight, then RiRi isn't even trying to fuck with you. In a new interview with German magazine Bravo (via Post Chronicle), RiRi said that your peen must be a certain height in order to ride her ride.

RiRi explained, "He has to be good in bed and the size matters. You know what I mean? The inner beauty counts as well, but without a toy it doesn't make it fun. Right now I don't want to have a serious relationship, I want to have fun. I love flirting at the moment. I'm single and I'm enjoying my freedom. But I don´t give my phone number out that often. But if I'm dating, I check the boy from the top to the bottom."

RiRi's last boyfriend turned out to be a fat pussy, so it makes sense that she's on the prowl for a wang in size: TOMMY LEE.

In a perfect world, we'd all love a cock that can split a Magnum condom in two, but big whores can't be choosers. I try to pretend like I have standards (HA!), but throw a micro mini peen in front of me and I'll probably shrug while saying, "Sure, why not?"

Celine Dion once said this about shoes: "When a salesperson askes me what size I need, I answer 'No, what size do you have?'" The same goes for peen. Where there's a dick, there's a way.

Remember that clip of Zachary Quinto getting creamed on like Gay Al Reynolds at breakfast time? How could your loins forget? Well, Zachary's Heroes' co-star, Hayden Panatroll, has taken his place under the bukkake faucet for another video from artist Tyler Shields. Although, it looks like this is self-bukkake since most of the stuff is coming from Hayden's coochie geyser. The troll is a squirter. Now you know.

And if you plan on seeing New Moon this weekend, you will most likely witness dozens of Twitards re-reacting this video as soon as the opening credits roll. Make sure to wear a slicker.

via The Life Files

Miley Cyrus' 17th birthday isn't until Monday, but for some reason she threw herself an 80s-themed party on Wednesday night in NYC. Miley apparently dressed up in Julia Roberts' hooker ensemble from Pretty Women. The rest of the family also joined in on the fun. Billy Ray went as Edward, Noah Cyrus went as Kit De Luca, and Trace Cyrus dressed up as the horse Vivian meets at the polo game. No, only Miley dressed up.

Page Six says that rape-eyed Constantine Mouralis performed a few numbers from Rock of Ages for Miley. A source said, "Miley had seen the show two weeks ago and loved it, so her mom Tish brought the cast in to surprise her. But I'm not sure who was more into Constantine -- Miley or her mother." Where's the option for "all of the above"?

While it seems about right that Miley would dress up as a Hollywood Blvd. prostitute, are we sure that she wasn't just wearing her regular clothes? I mean, even Julia Roberts' ho outfit is pretty conservative for Miley. CASE IN POINT:

Billy Ray, you are excused!

This is JLo's new single. And it's called "Louboutins" (pronounced "Looweebatons" in JLo-talk). I understand if the song title alone makes you want to shut down this browser window, open up your iTunes and punch it really really hard. I understand. Because once you realize this song is not a Digital Short from Saturday Night Live, you really won't be laughing.

This shit may be called "Looweebatons," but it sounds more like a shit-stained Payless pump lying in the gutter all alone after a homeless crackhead hooker lost it there while she was running from the police.

via ONTD

In case you're just joining us, you should know that Aerosmith is a wreck. And if you ask the band, most of them will say that the thorn in all of their colostomy bags is Steven Tyler (aka Motherfucker, The Rainbow).

Joe Perry already said that Aerosmith plans to go on with the show without Steven Tyler. But last week, Steven crashed one of Joe's concert and declared that he wasn't going anywhere. Well, Joe and the rest of the pepaws think Steven should go far away. Preferably to a little place where they make you talk about your emotions while drinking black coffee. Basically, they think he needs rehab.

Joey Kramer, the band's drummer, told People, "I think that he needs help and that attention needs to be put to his health. He's got some bad influences in his life right now and he's making poor choices." Joey hinted that he thinks Steven is on that narcotic again.

Aerosmith's guitarist Brad Whitford added, "His behavior is spinning out of control. I don't know where he is and what he's doing."

Steven's spokeswhore said that they don't need to worry about The Rainbow! He's simply taking some time off from the band to record his solo album, work on a book and smoke up a lot of heroin. I made that last part up! The Rainbow claims he's as sober as a baby bunny. Actually, I don't know how sober baby bunnies are. Those bitches are always winking and jumping around like a crackhead at midnight. They got that junkie twitch. Hmm...I wonder what's in their food? Now I know what I'm going to put in my bong this weekend.

Personally, I think Steven is just one of those natural crackheads. You know, those hos who act strung out, but aren't. They are primarily known as "Born-Again Christians."

But the pepaws of Aerosmith know Steven better than we do, so if they think he needs to marinate in the tank for a few, then I'll take their word for it. However, they shouldn't even entertain the idea of replacing Steven! THE RAINBOW is Aerosmith.

Not many women can be motorboated bow and stern. - loozer

Runners-up:

Congratulations to this year's winner of the World's Most Stressed Out String contest. 1st Runner Up: Coco's pink bikini. - LizzieBitch

The elusive fifth base. - freebird

Not content with being fat all by herself, Mariah Carey decided to start overfeeding her pet butterfly. - Ashton Cruz

via People of Walmart (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

Genevieve Goings, the hip-hop train conductor on Disney's Choo Choo Soul.

I don't wear Pull-Ups (usually) or eat my own boogers as an afternoon snack (not on a regular basis, anyway), so I've never heard of Choo Choo Soul before. But when I saw a picture of Genevieve Goings, my eyelashes started sweating and all I could see is twinkly stars floating off of her perfect eyebrows. Yes, it's always the eyebrows. I'm really that easy.

Besides being blessed with a pair of stunning eye valances, Genevieve also knows how to bust moves while on a moving train. Okay, the train isn't real, but let's not be too picky now. Clip beeeeelow:

(For Lorna)

Joel McHale (38)
Cody Linley (20)
Dan Byrd (24)
Kimberley Walsh (28)
Nadine Velazquez (31)
Josh Turner (32)
Dominique Dawes (33)
Davey Havok (34)
Callie Thorne (40)
Mike D (44)
Ming-Na (46)
Sean Young (50)
Bo Derek (53)
Mark Gastineau (53)
Joe Walsh (63)
Joe Biden (67)
Richard Dawson (77)
Estelle Parsons (82)
Kaye Ballard (84)

Tim Bennett, the president of HARPO, just released this statement:

"Tomorrow, Oprah will announce live on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show' that she has decided to end what is arguably one of the most popular, influential and enduring programs in television history. The sun will set on the "Oprah" show as its 25th season draws to a close on September 9, 2011."

The screams coming from millions of stay-at-home moms and permanently unemployed gays may cause all of your senses to shut down, so you better get into your bomb shelter. The end is near. Obviously.

You know Gayle is causing those around her to go deaf from her shrieks of joy, because now Oprah will have more time for some non-stop scissoring. Pussies will go raw!

And what the hell is Tim talking about with that "most popular and influential" shit?! Has he never heard of Dynasty?!