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Yes, Seal does have a last name, and his wife of four years Heidi Klum has officially taken it. Yesterday in Los Angeles, a commissioner (just think of Michael Chiklis) declared that Heidi Klum is officially Heidi Samuel. Yeah, Heidi Samuel doesn't make my Schnitzel tingle as much as Heidi Klum, but she's doing it for love. Love makes you do crazy things like wipe nostril diarrhea from your man's nose when he's sick and use his name on your drivers license. Go figure.

Heidi's rep would not say whether or not she plans to use her new last name professionally.

Not only does Seal have a last name, but he also has like fifty middle names. Dude's full name is Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel. If you don't have a middle name, send hate mail to Seal, because that ho hogged them all up for himself.

Source

And now your loins can exhale, because Levi Johnston's Playgay spread has made its way onto their website. Levi already said that he's not going to drop his Alaskan meat on our foreheads, but he does give us some pubes and full nalgas. Levi's built like a soft-serve cone and his nalgas aren't going to win contests anytime soon, but my no-no isn't going to bitch or moan. It takes what it can get.

I'll stop, so that you can get to the goods already after the jump. By the way, this is not PORN. It's in black and white, so that mean this is high-art. Just tell yourself that while you pinch at your nipples and flick your taint. Also, his Bristol tattoo really adds the touch of elegance this phoot really needed.

UPDATE: Images removed per request, but you can skip on over to Playgirl and drop a few coins to see the nekkidness.

Sandahl Bergman - Broadway star, stuntwoman and more importantly, the glamorous swordstress Valeria in Conan the Barbarian.

Sandahl was mostly doing Broadway stuff before she landed the dreamiest of dream roles - a muse in Xanadu! Most of us would've ejaculated all of our insides at even the thought of being a part of that disco gay butt fuck masterpiece, but Sandahl managed to hold herself together. After she finished creating gay magic, Sandahl went on to make cinematic history by playing Valeria in Conan. She has also been in Red Sonja, Airplane II, All That Jazz and Designing Women. That is everyone's DREAM resume!

And if you still are convinced of Sandahl's innate glamour, I present this to you:

It's a wrap!

(For Dominique)

Bjork (44)
Jena Malone (25)
Ryan Starr (27)
Cherie Johnson (34)
Ken Griffey Jr. (40)
Troy Aikman (43)
Nicollette Sheridan (46)
Cherry Jones (53)
Lorna Luft (57)
Goldie Hawn (64)
Harold Ramis (65)
Juliet Mills (68)
Marlo Thomas (72)

Justin Bieber, the 15-year-old fetus boy with lesbian emo hair who is currently the new Jesus in the eyes of tweens, was scheduled to perform at Roosevelt Field Mall on Long Island today, but it was canceled after thousands of screaming girls went hysterical. They really need to start slipping Valium in school lunches.

Some girls waited over 20 hours, and by this afternoon the crowd had became too much for mall security to handle. TMZ says that shit got real when a dumb fuck employee at Abercrombie Kids shouted to the crowd that Justin was inside their store. That was the code word for the thousands of girls to bust their hymens by trampling all over each other to get inside the store. People were decapitated, the mall was set on fire and now a mob of zombie girls are terrorizing the streets of Long Island. No, but the police were called.

In the end, the event was canceled and someone in Justin's "camp" was arrested for whatever reason. Also, a young girl was taken to the nearest hospital by ambulance after she was injured. Justin took to his Twitter to beg the crazies to go home before anyone else got hurt.

I only have one question: Where in the hell was Officer Dustin and taser gun when we really needed him?!