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What in the huh in the what in the fuck?! The producers of American Idol must have found the emergency stash Paula Abdul left behind in her dressing room and had themselves a major party where they somehow came up with the idea to cast Ellen Degeneres as the fourth judge! I mean, this is some shit you come up with when you're riding high on the bad shit! And no, September 9th is not the new April 1st.

Ellen and Fox both announced tonight that she will replace Paula Abdul starting this season. Ellen said this:

"I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote. Hopefully I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you. I sit at home and I watch it. … I'm not looking at it in a critical way from the producer's mind. I'm looking at it as a person who is going to buy the music and is going to relate to that person. I'm going to have a day job and a night job. The times we're living in ... we're all doing that."

I just hope that either Ellen or Ryan Gaycrest dye their hair another color, because we are going to have a bitch of a time trying to figure out who is who!

You just know the big stack of money Fox handed over to Ellen is ten times bigger than the one they offered to Paula. Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that. Now Paula is really going to have the meltdown of all meltdowns. All pharmacies, back alley dealers and medicine cabinets should immediately go on HIGH ALERT! Paula Abdul will be on the loose tonight!

And for those of you wondering if Ellen Degeneres has any singing experience, I present this to you:

Hugh Hefner and his wife Kimberly Conrad haven't been together "like that" for over 10 years, but they have never divorced. Suddenly, Hef has decided to snip the cord and set Kimberly free. TMZ reports that Hef filed for divorce on Friday citing the good ole' "irreconcilable differences." Hef and Kimberly got married on July 1, 1989, but have been separated since January 12, 1998.

Hef says that the reason why he's legally quitting Kimberly's ass now is because she recently filed a $5 million lawsuit against him. Kimberly sued Hef after he fucked her by selling the house she and their sons were living in, which is next to the Playboy mansion.

In the documents, Hef states that he's already given Kimberly around $12 million, so he feels like he should only pay her $20,000 a month in spousal support.

You know, Hef could probably get away with paying her ass nothing due to the fact that their marriage is not valid. The last time I checked, humans and zombies could not legally get married in the State of California.

In possibly related news, a crazy blonde bitch in a white wedding dress was seen pulling up to the Playboy mansion IN THIS.

Last week, Life & Style took us into the world of 3-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (smells like paninis and plane fuel). This week, they take us into the world of these two heavy flow maxi pads. Yeah, where's the Chinatown bus that goes back to Shiloh's world, because I CAN'T with these twats!

Khloe and Kim are queefing about how they lost a ton of weight by using some stupid crap called QuickTrim (PLUG! PLUG! PLUG!) and "exercising." They both blabbed about how they want to tone up more, but are happy with their bodies. BLAH! Then Khloe farted that she lost 25lbs and is a size 6 now. Kim said she weighs 114lbs. 114lbs total, not just her ass. Yeah, I know.

We would all lose 25lbs in a quick minute if we constantly ate up the diet supplement known as Vitamin COKE and spent the day sweating like a pig from chasing relevancy. And Khloe's thighs only look like that because they were slathered with Photoshop jelly.

(Image VIA Cover Awards)

No, not a mother to a carton of Marlboro Reds. A mother to an actual living, breathing human baby creature thing. We. Are. Doooooomed.

Radar says that Katherine Hagel and her husband Josh Kelley are thisclose to adopting a 10-month-old baby from Korea. A source says they have been going through the adoption process for around 6-months and plan to have everything sorted out by this week. The baby girl's name is Nayleigh and Katherine plans to call her Leigh.

This is the same Katherine Hagel who bitched about working 17-hour days on the Grey's Anatomy set. How in nicotine jizz hell is she going to deal with a baby who screams, poops and slobbers 24-hours a day? Oh yeah, nannies. And when they're not around, she'll just stick a ciggie in baby's mouth. LIKE THIS!

And if Katherine Hagel is actually planning to travel to Korea to pick up her baby friend, can someone please mix-up her plane tickets and send her to North Korea instead. Hagel + Kim Jong-il = BFFs

I'm telling you, my ass is in the wrong business. The politics game is where the fun and fucking is. When you aren't dropping it low to "The Halle Berry Song" or enjoying a dazzling tap dance performance by Larry Craig in the men's restroom or smoking crack with Senator Jeff Sessions, you're hearing all about Mike Duvall's kinky antics with his mistress.

OCWeekly reports that right before the start of a committee hearing, California Assemblyman Mike Duvall gave the dude next to him the tingles (or the dry heaves) by talking about how his mistress wears "eye-patch underwear" and loves it when he spanks her nalgas. Mike didn't know that the mic in front of him was hot, so it was all caught on tape. Note to self: Always stick a thermometer on a mic before talking about sex stuff.

The scandal in all of this is that not only is Mike married with two children, but his mistress is a lobbyist. Mike is also a "family values" advocate who was a staunch supporter of Prop 8.

And if that's not entertaining enough, Mike said that after he had "a lot" of sex with his mistress on Wednesday, she told him: "I am going 
up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me! So messy!" No, that wasn't Mike's dick milk dripping out of her. It was hypocrisy. MESSY!

P.S. - Why does it look like I'm watching a clip from 1986? Somebody get KCAL a new camera for Christmas.

Right now at a hospital room in the Los Angeles area, a newborn baby is desperately trying to crawl back into Nicole Richie's vagina after hearing what she has named him. People reports that Nicole and Joel Madden welcomed a baby boy early this morning and named him Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Yes, this just confirms that doing massive amounts of the bad shit will eff up your brains for life!

Sparrow James Midnight Madden joins 19-month-old Harlow Winter Kate Madden as the newest member of the Our Parents Hate Us Club (The Madden Branch).

Nicole and Joel issued this statement that sounds like it was written by Edgar Allen Poe's ass lips: "In the middle of night, the very early hours of September 9, 2009, Sparrow James Midnight Madden was born to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. He weighs 7 lbs. 14 oz. Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes."

Okay, okay, his name isn't that bad (Yes, it is). If I was still a 15-year-old faux goth kid on ecstasy, I'd completely be into Nicole Richie giving her baby a name that sounds like an Urban Decay nail polish color.

Now this is a motherfucking party! - Holy Moly!

Ceiling Eyes goes topless in Maxim - Egotastic!

And now we know why Sophie Reade won Big Brother UK - Hollywood Tuna

R.I.P. Army Archerd - Towleroad

Janet Jackson talks about Michael to Harper's Bazaar - Just Jared

An alien praying mantis on the cover of Elle - Popsugar

Camila Alves will be pregnant for the rest of eternity (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

I always imagined Kristen Stewart as a Shakey's kind of ho - Lainey Gossip

News you can snooze to: Jennifer Aniston still believes in love - Hollywood Rag

I'll take 2 #1s, 3 #3s and your entire stock of #17 (hold the artichoke) - Cityrag

When Jane Mancini met Doogie Howser - SOW

Dear Jermaine Jackson, STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP - Celebitchy

Jessica Simpson is the new Jennifer Aniston - ICYDK

I thought Halle Berry was talking about laundry detergent - I'm Not Obsessed

Well, Sienna Miller has already been through all of the dicks in London, so it makes sense that she wants to move to NYC - Socialite Life

Damn Geeeeeena had a babeh and she named him...um...Ezekiel... No comment on the name - Popeater

Please take time out from perfecting your recipe for an O-Positive-tini for the True Blood finale this weekend to vote for August's Hot Slut of the Month. Now, there's no cat or dog (that we know of 100%) to choose from, so it's anybody's game. Your choices are:

Lesley Anne-Down - Glamorous soap opera star who bathes in diamonds and pearls!
Sandra Rinomato - Real estate mogul, HGTV star and expert side-eye giver!
Johanna Tukiainen - The pride of Finland!
Vogue Evolution - The glittery gays (and tranny) of MTV's America's Best Dance Crew!
Tameka "Tiny" Cottle - The Travelocity gnome version of Mariah Carey and creator of her own language!

The winning slut will be announced Friday. Voting is in the sidebar to your right. Put a condom on your fingers and vote away!

Yes, yes, yes, I'm posting a zillion more pictures from THAT MOVIE! You'll thank me when it comes out. While all your friends are spending $12 to see this Vagisil party, you can use that money to buy two bottles of Strawberry Hill, because you will already know what happens thanks to all these damn pictures! SPOILER ALERT?

SJP already shot her flashback scene, so it's Kim Cattrall's turn! Kim stepped out of her trailer today looking like you something you get when you rub Dee Snider and Jesse Camp together while spraying the air with AquaNet. And at 53-years-old, memaw is shitting on tricks almost half her age (i.e. Lady CaCa and Xtina.)

Above is a little clip of Kate Moss flipping her nostrils after James Nesbitt, the host of the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London, made a joke at her expensive. James apparently LOLed about Kate being nekkid on the cover of GQ. Kate wasn't loving it, so she got up, stormed out and shouted beautiful Dlisted-approved gems like: "How fucking dare he!" and "I'm never coming back to this fucking award show again!" Lily Allen just stood there and giggled. You know you're a special kind of angry drunk when you make Lily Allen look like the picture of a pristine lady. Kudos for that, Kate!

You know, I'm not sure why Kate got all bitchy about some ho making fun of her being naked on the cover of a magazine. Bitch is naked on the cover of EVERYTHING. Seriously, grab a Pennysaver and Kate's bare nalgas will be staring back at you. Run into a random pediatrician's office, pick up a Highlights Magazine and Kate's frownin' snatch will be right there on the cover. Hell, I'm sure Kate's saggies are even on the cover of the Holy Bible at select motels.

So I have a hard time believing she'd freak out over that. Maybe the open bar ran out of hooch halfway through the ceremony? If you ever want to bring out the cunt monster in Kate Moss in 0 seconds flat, just scream one of the following: "LAST CALL!", "YOU'RE CUT OFF" or "WE'RE DRY!".