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It's like Jon Gosselin simultaneously barfed, snotted, vommed and jizzed all over the always-elegant CoCo! ILLEGAL! How did CoCo let this happen? CoCo needs to listen to her body. Those tears on the side are not part of the dress. CoCo's booty of destruction is slowly trying to expel itself of the douchiness covering it. CoCo's ass is making the Hulk and is trying to rip that Ed Hardy shit off!

By the end of the night, CoCo was probably wondering why there was a yeasty puddle beneath her. It was from her camel toe weep weep weeeeeeeeeping. Don't do your body like that anymore, CoCo. Just say NO to Ed Hardy.

There were rumors that President Obama declared that Kanye West is a jackass after hearing about "the mic snatchin'." Well, Obama really did say that and TMZ got a hold of the audio, which was recorded right before he was about to do an interview with CNBC.

After the word "jackass" jumped out of his mouth, Obama quickly added, "Nooo. Nooo. I'm assuming all of this. Where's the pool? Cut the president some slack!" But it was too late! The word was already flying around the room. As TyTy would say, "You said it! I didn't say it! You said it!"

Maybe Obama, Kanye and Taylor can talk this out over a beer.

And I'm waiting for a white dove to fly down from heaven carrying a note in its beak that reads: "I co-sign Obama's statement. xoxoxoJC." I'm also waiting for Kanye West's ALL-CAPS "OBAMA HATES DOUCEHBAG PEOPLE" rant.

UPDATE: UsWeekly says Kanye West personally called Taylor Swift and said he was sorry. Taylor said his apology was sincere and she accepted it. So, that's that! I still think Taylor, Obama and Kanye should have a beer.

We frequently see this heartthrob going to the gym, playing sports with his friends, and otherwise leading a healthy lifestyle. If he is so concerned about his health, why isn’t he taking more precautions when he engages in certain intimate activities? We’re talking about bareback here, folks, and there are no horses involved. Considering his track record, you would think that his current girlfriend would insist on him wearing a raincoat 24/7. (Blind Gossip)

Jakey G's precious mug immediately popped up in my head, but he doesn't seem like the manskank type. I'll throw his name in the guess jar anyway. I'll also add Gerard Butler, KFed (joooking), Mario Lopez or Matthew McConaughey?

So, over the weekend, this married A list male reality star would not stop hitting on this younger A list female reality star. He kept following her around like a puppy, and saying things like, "we should really work together." Yes, he said that. When they were first introduced she was very polite, but then he started getting close and doing the touching thing. The rest of the night was the puppy dog thing and trying to impress her. She wasn't. It didn't stop him from telling everyone at the party though how she was into him. (CDAN)

I thought A-list reality stars only existed in fairy tales. That said, I'll guess either Jon Grosselin or Spencer Twatt for the skeezy dude? And Kim Kardassian or Kristin Calawhatever for the chick?

Which A-lister couple’s relationship is on the rocks. Seems he is cheating with his much younger co-star and the wife is now trying to accompany the two on set as much as possible. She heard the rumors way before we did and is now hanging around to nip this thing in the bud. Not Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise. (BuzzFoto via Blind Gossip)

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck? Ben is currently shooting a movie with Blake Lively.

Which has-been action hero has knocked up his comely assistant? When his longtime girlfriend learned of the impending birth, she angrily split? (Page Six)

The Muscles from Brussels himself Jean Claude Van-Damme?

The master cuntress, Kate Gosselin, went on The View today displaying a wavier possum on her head. Kate said that the hairstylists backstage wanted to try something different. Kate needs to stop with the lie-telling. That's not what happened.

Kate's possum was chilling backstage, minding its own business when Sherri Shepherd decided to once again flaunt her Tasmanian Devil body in a one-piece. After reading about Daisy Simpson get snatched by coyotes this morning, Kate's possum hissed out of fright and busted into a seizure. That explains why it looks like it's trying to jump off and run into the park. Who knows if it will ever be the same again. Hopefully, it will go back to normal when Kate feeds it a piece of Jon's nutstack root while singing her rendition of "The Possum Song."

Teresa Guidice birthed a fourth daughter yesterday night. Bravo's The Dish reports that Teresa and her juicy delicious bulldog of a husband named their fourth mob princess Audriana Giudice. Yeah, I'm a little disappointed that she didn't named her Prostitution Whore Giudice. Maybe Danielle already has that baby name reserved for future use?

Audriana joins sisters Gia, Gabriella and Milania. Audriana should keep her eyes shut as long as she can, because as soon as she opens them, Teresa will be whoring her out to agents as the newest newborn supermodel sensation.

And I hope Audriana didn't inherit her mother's "crouching hairline, hidden forehead." That wouldn't be cute.

The Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried kiss needs more tongue and nipple pinching - Egotastic!

It's a beautiful night in Milan when Parasite Hilton gets BOOOOOOED - Towleroad

Avril Lavigne looks like shit - Hollywood Tuna

Jakey needs to back away from the douche - Just Jared

Charlize Theron bites the tip (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Katy Perry must have a thirst for Summer's Eve if she made out with Mayer and Brand in the same weekend - Lainey Gossip

Brit Brit's private audition for a new fuck time partner - Hollywood Rag

It's been more than 24 hours since I've seen new SATC2 pictures! Phew. I can breathe again - Popsugar

Celebwhore tramp stamps galore - Cityrag

One of the seeds Lil' Wayne planted all over the earth has sprouted up - Popeater

Angelyne wants her dress back - ICYDK

Olivia Wilde looking like a double amputee in GQ - Popoholic

Mischa Barton is dating an "aspiring actor" (*cough*a dealer*cough*) - I'm Not Obsessed

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown had a perfectly functional and healthy relationship - Holy Moly!

Trash - Celebitchy

Zachary Quinto can jack my car and change my tire any day. Just pretend that sounded sexy - SOW

Posh's bitchface is totally natural - Socialite Life

It looks like Brit Brit's pink wig that held all of her crazy powers has found a new owner. And its new owner is crazier than its last (Hint: She's posing with a Jonas brother). I have to give it to her though, her crazy ass is loyal to the pink. I mean, pink mop, pink tutu, pink Vitamin water, the pinks pills (SPOILER ALERT: It's generic Oxycontin) in her bag and she's posing with the pink Jonas brother! Even though he's engaged to that Haylie Duff-like creature, he is the gay one, right? I get them mixed up.

Here's more of Kevin Jonas posing with some bitches, who are way too old for this mess, outside of his hotel in Toronto yesterday.

Kimora Lee's former leathery wallet, Russell Simmons, apparently had himself a cunt party for one at Charlotte Ronson's fashion show last night.

A witness tells Radar that when Russell got there, he immediately thought they gave away his seat, so he flipped a switch. The witness went on to say, "He thought his seat was given away and lost it on some poor staffer on the runway moments away from the show's start." Russell immediately pulled some "let me speak to your supervisor" shit. I love pulling that card whenever the telephone company refuses to refund all those calls to fuck lines I didn't make...while sober.

When the head bitch of seating came out to talk to Russell, he continued to act like an old fool. Russell was told to calm down and he shot back with, "I'm a calm person!" They were finally able to make Russell happy by moving two people in the front row.

Everyone knows that Russell's seat needs to be covered with dried grass and a plate full of wet lettuce should be available for him to chew on. Charlotte Ronson probably didn't provide this, so of course Russell's ass lips got twisted.

And I doubt Russell caused a big scene. I mean, there's nothing threatening about a 300-year-old turtle without his shell on.

Vadge should take the fartbag known as Lady CaCa with her wherever she goes, because she looks like a fetus' ass cheek compared to her. Nibbling on Baby Jesus' foreskin cheese (don't worry, it's kosher) has worked wonders on Vadge's face! And I really have to give her a slow clap for bumping up her hair with BUMPITS. Lady CaCa on the other hand, looks like an asshole. An asshole who will snatch your hamburgers! Seriously, The Hamburglar wants his weekend S&M mask back.

Here's more of CaCa, Madonna and her child at Marc Jacobs' show last night in NYC. And the dude in the picture above is my hero of the day. I'll finish that eyeroll for him.