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Kourtney Kardashian has been quiet the past few days, so I figured someone finally picked her up, put her in a corner, stuck a pacifier in her mouth and turned on a baby mobile so that she could be mesmerized by the fancy moving parts for a while. Well, Kourtney is back and she's brought a friend!

Kourtney and her brainmate Kendra Wilkinson are talking about breastfeeding in the new issue of UsWeekly. You know this is going to hurt.

Kendra says: "I was so scared that I wasn't going to be able to nurse that when I saw stuff come out of my nipples the other day, I was like, I can breast-feed? And I asked my doctor, who said, 'That's fine, but it's not milk yet!'"

Kourtney added: "They say usually you can breast-feed with implants. I want to."

Then both of their fetuses jumped out of their bodies, ran to Pennsylvania and jumped into Kate Gosselin's womb. It's that serious.

(Image via Cover Awards)

The summer of death has claimed another. CNN reports that Dominick Dunne, Hollywood producer, best-selling author and frequent contributor to Vanity Fair, passed away at his home in Manhattan today after a long battle with bladder cancer. He was 83.

Dominick's first article for Vanity Fair was in 1984 and it was his account of the trial of the man who murdered his daughter Dominique.

He was working on a novel before his health took a turn for the worse. He traveled to Germany earlier this month to receive another round of stem cell treatments at the same clinic Farrah Fawcett went to. When he got back to NYC, he was immediately hospitalized and then sent home.

Dominick is survived by his two sons Griffin and Alex.

May Dominick rest in peace. The sads.

Walking your dog in NYC is a dangerous game! Gerard Butler learned this the hard way when he was taking his pug Lolita (my gaydar went up a notch) out for a stroll in Long Island City, Queens on Monday night. Now, Gerard was walking his pug without a leash which someone should punch him in the crotch bone for (I'll volunteer). Dogs off the leash always strut up to my dog all bitchy-like, sniff at his private hole and whisper shit in his ear like, "Hahaha, bitch, I'm free and you're not. Come at me!" They totally say that shit. I can read it with my eyes.

So, like with all stories, there's two completely different sides to this one. Let's start with Gerard's:

Gerard claims that Lolita was minding her own business, walking the stroll, when a greyhound attacked her by biting her twice in the neck. Gerry immediately put Lolita on a leash and started to sashay away, but the greyhound (with his elderly owners) followed them. The greyground tried to snap at that bitch again, but Gerry blocked it. Basically, it sounds like a regular day at The Gosselins.

Gerry's rep told The New York Post that Lolita spent 4 hours at an animal hospital getting her shit together again. The rep added, "People are so mean. They're just trying to milk this."

And now for the other side:

The greyhound's owners, Fred and Maria Varecka, say that when Lolita and their dog simply touched noses, Gerry freaked out like Christian Bale on a movie set. Gerry kept shouting at them, "That dog should be put down!" When they tried to get away from him, Gerry followed them and kept shouting about how they should send their dog to the glue factory. Fred went on to say, "And he smacked the dog in the head. The dog's head went into the fence. I was shaking. The dog yelped. I said, 'Keep your hands off my dog! Why did you hit my dog?' He didn't say a word." When the couple called the cops, Gerry and Lolita (who are the new Bonnie & Clyde) busted out of there. The couple filed a report, but no citations were given. They also claim they aren't trying to get money out of Gerry.

So who to believe? Lolita the pug? Or Mayfair the greyhound? Those two just need to lick each other's asses and make-up. It's how I always handle a fight.

This story screams for the classic "Fuck You Guy" phone prank, so here it is:

Which star just backed out of a recent movie role and is blaming it on conflicting work schedules, when it really has to do with the fact that she and the director were having a relationship that ended badly when his wife demanded he kick her to the curb or else? Not Rachelle Lefevre. (BuzzFoto via Blindsmack)

Please let this be Katherine Hagel and Garry Marshall!?! PLEASE! Hagel dropped out of Valentine's Day which is directed by Garry. Okay, Garry would never hit that, so it's probably not them. My other guess is Amanda Seyfriend and Zack Snyder (who is directing Sucker Punch)?

This well respected Academy Award winner/nominee actress has had a dramatic weight loss recently thanks to her heroin use. Her habit has become so bad that people are convinced they saw her using in a popular LA Japanese restaurant. (CDAN)

Saint Angie....I'm joking, Brangaloonies. Calm your clits. Besides, it said "well respected." ....And here comes the e-mails anyway.

This celebrity couple is stressing out over one of their kids. Despite their best efforts at parenting, the child was almost expelled from a very expensive private school last semester. While we are not exactly sure of the details, the accusation had something to do with the repeated theft of private property. In order to prevent the publicity and shame that might result from an expulsion, the parents have paid to make the problem go away. Their precious child will not only return to the same school this fall, they will get to enjoy the facilities enhanced due to the very generous donation made by Mommy and Daddy. (Blind Gossip)

Brangie? Only because I'd like to think Maddox is well on his way to becoming a master at hood rat stuff. My other guess is The Beckhams?

Here's a little commercial for the MTV VMAs featuring Our Lady of Cheetos and Russell Brand having a conversation telepathically. Yes, Brit Brit is hearing voices in her head. It's time for Daddy Spears to mix a few more meds into her Velveeta grits.

And yes, I know Brit Brit is in on the joke....I think.

UNCOOL: Squinty Zellweger's fightin' words about Aniston - Lainey Gossip

Mena Suvari works her power bottom twink body - Egotastic!

On that note, here's Emma Roberts in a bikini top - Hollywood Tuna

This video of a Twilight piece should be giving me the tingles, but it gave me the laughs instead - Towleroad

You can breathe easy knowing that Kellan Lutz was photographed going to the gym AGAIN - Popsugar

Kathie Lee Gifford is looking hot (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Medical marijuana works for everybody! - Cityrag

Kiki still loves the booze - Celebitchy

Chuck Bass is trying to deny the heat his genitals feel for his co-star - Just Jared

Tater Head is right! She has her looks to thank for her glittery acting career - I'm Not Obsessed

In news I thought already happened, Eddie Cibrian has filed for divorce - ICYDK

And now he gets to hit this freely - Hollywood Rag

News about Megan Fox starring as Lady Macbeth on the London stage would be more believable than news about Megan Fox as Catwoman - Holy Moly!

Adam Brody is sniffing the wrong stuff if he actually thinks Megan Fox is talented - Socialite Life

The end of Nip/Tuck is near - Popbytes

It won't be long before Idol welcomes guest judge Heidi Montag - SOW

If you didn't catch the season premiere of Frankie & Neffe on BET last night, then do yourself a huge favor and yell at your Tivo to get on it! To celebrate the premiere of their show, Frankie & Neffe threw themselves a party in Atlanta last night. Frankie, who is a former(?) crackhead and Keyshia Cole's mother, is known for acting the fool wherever she goes, but these are pictures are just...DAMN! Why does it look like Maryann from True Blood got the shakes and gave them all the fever?

And there's only 3 people who can pull off a cut-out zebra catsuit over jeans with a sparkly fannypack/belt. They are: Frankie, Noah Cyrus and every single Glittery Gay of YouTube.

Visit FreddyO to see more pictures from last night. Warning: They might give you an instant hangover.

Kate Gosselin was on Larry King last night, because if she doesn't talk to the media for more than 72 hours, her possum head will get the shakes and snap at a ho. Yeah, it's a famehead. And because Kate loves nothing more than to beat Jon's crotch with her stick of cunty words. Although, Kate didn't bite at Jon that much which was disappointing.

The cuntiest thing she said was that she knows he's a good father, but that his current decisions are questionable. BLAH! Kate, bark it out! We know you want to scream, "The douchebag is fucking meth puss, what do you think about him being a good father?!" Sigh. Sometimes I really hate the effect sedatives have on a person (or a possum).

Here's just a few quotes from Kate's interview last night. They are all pretty boring, but if you pretend to be Larry King while reading them (aka don't read them at all and think of a delicious bowl of Malt-O-Meal instead), it's more entertaining.

Kate on her dating life: "I'm lonely, but I'm -- I'm very busy and, actually, I'm all right."

Kate on Jon saying he wants to quit the show: "Jon's opinions and his goals are his. I know that, personally, for myself and the kids, this has been a good experience. It continues to be a good experience. And, you know, really the network has been extremely supportive, above and beyond, I feel, what they need to be. And I only experience good things. Everyone works. Everyone has a job. Everyone has what they're dealing with. And, generally speaking, this is the most flexible, workable, wonderful job for myself."

Kate on what will happen to the show if Jon quits: "I'm not the person to make that decision. I know that myself and the kids will continue the show."

Kate on how her child army is dealing with the divorce: "And as any child, you know, when their parents are divorcing, the goal is peace and we've achieved that numerous times. The Fourth of July we spent together as a family. My goal is, no matter what the circumstance, no matter what place, you know, one of us is in, my goal is really peace and the best that it can be for the kids."

Kate on calling the police on Jon: "It actually was not this huge fight. It was just a thing where I wanted to be there with the kids and -- as opposed to a babysitter. And he wasn't fond of that idea. And I just had a very rough day. I have good days and bad days. This day was a rough day. I just wanted to be with the kids if he wasn't going to be with them... It was not a 911 call. It was the local routine police phone call."

And if you haven't had enough of Kate, check yourself into a mental hospital STAT (I should take my own advice). Or you can just get your fix by watching The View on September 14th and 15th. Kate Gosselin is going to fill in for Hasselcrack those days.

Here's Kate leaving CNN studios yesterday with a shit load of security. They are protecting the public from her rabid possum head.

According to Gatecrasher, Chelsea Handler has put her boyfriend Ted Harbert on the curb. Some source close to Chelsea says that she fired his ass as her main peen and threw him out of their house. Ted is apparently living in a hotel now. The source added, "It's such drama."

So that means the E! offices are now filled with side-eyes, whispers and awkward silences, because Ted is the CEO of Comcast and Chelsea's direct boss. I know some of you are screaming that you shouldn't sex up your boss, but a dick is a dick! Sometimes we don't have control over whose peen are fuck part is going to slobber for.

Chelsea recently signed a multi-millionaire dollar deal to stay with E!, so I doubt her ass is going anywhere. Although, I can say that I wouldn't be completely surprised if they replace her with a talk show starring a string of dusty anal beads (aka the Kardashians, Kendra and Denise Richards).

A local news crew went to the Cocoa, FL home of a woman who called the police after finding out her 15-year-old daughter was working at a strip club and they were greeted by a rabid memaw with a dangerous hoe! The memaw must have been in the middle of a really good Matlock episode while sipping on a cup of Ovaltine and brandy, because she was not pleased when the reporter knocked on the door! When the memaw noticed there was a camera on her, she attacked that shit with a garden hoe! Yes, she was protecting a stripper with a hoe. This shit writes itself.

Like I've said a million times before: abuelitas are not the one! They will grab whatever is in their reach to properly show you that you are in the wrong! Unfortunately for that camera, a garden hoe happened to be the closest object. Granny will hoe a bitch up!

The West Coast has Quween on the Scene, and the East Coast has Granny Garden Hoe! They should join forces. Cameras will quiver in fear!