Chris Brown was officially sentenced today in Los Angeles for beating on Princess RiRi. I feel like he's already been sentenced a zillion times, but this time it's for real. Chris Brown was slapped with 5 years probation, a year of domestic abuse classes and he must complete 1,400 hours of community service.
Chris' community service will consist of cleaning graffiti and washing cars in his home state of Virginia. So if you live in Virginia, get your car raunchy dirty (you know how to do it), drive over to Chris' car wash and tell him you want to be able to eat a five-course meal off your bumper. Scream at him that you want him to wax that shit so clean that you can lick cheese sauce off of it without tasting even a hint of dirt. Yes, I know he's not cleaning regular cars, but let me have my fun.
The judge also said that Chris must keep at least 100 yards away from RiRi. If they are at the same industry event, he has to stay 10 yards away. He isn't allowed to e-mail, text or call her on the phone. The judge also gave a side-eye and said, "I'm not immune to any chatter on the airwaves. Do you understand, Mr. Brown, that any violation of this order is a violation of your probation and it comes with the possible penalty of prison?" Chris answered "Yes." So I guess that song he was planning called "PLEASE RIRI TAKE ME BACK, MY CAREER DEPENDS ON IT" is out of the question?
RiRi had asked the court to cancel the stay-away-order, but the decision was not hers.
And while Chris Brown was getting sentenced in L.A, RiRi was in NYC wearing an ensemble that I will file under "What the hell kind of GD outfit is this?!" Those pants should've never been allowed to leave the 90s.
It looks like we've really reached the end of the rainbow. Okay, that sentence was cheesier than RPattz's dick, but sad news like this makes sentimental (along with UB40 songs, go figure). Cincinatti.com reports that after 26 years, PBS' Reeeeeeeeeaaaading Raaaaaainboooow is going away this Friday. The show stopped production in 2006, but they were showing the old episodes on PBS. But PBS' contract with the show expires on Friday and they aren't renewing it. That means it won't ever be on the air again unless another network picks it up.
The truth is I haven't seen an episode of RR in a while, but it was one of those things you knew was always there if you needed to be picked up. You know, like re-runs of The Golden Girls, the on-and-off fuck buddy you've had for years, strawberry parfait (the trash kind) and weed. It's a sad day, because LeVar Burton will no longer be there to gently stroke our soul by reading a story about a flying pony or some shit.
And Reading Rainbow will go down in history for having one of the top 10 theme song/openings of all-time. Watch that trippy shit above and try to tell me that it didn't take you higher for a quick second. You can thank Reading Rainbow for getting you buzzed for the first time. Oh, shit. RR was a gateway drug. Tears. It will be missed.
Is Gossip Girl finally going to show some hot dude-on-dude action? SPOILER ALERT (Maybe). Well, the "hot" part is to be determined, but apparently they are going to give us a little gay action courtesy of Chuck Bass and the piece above. Michael Ausiello over at EW.com has it on good authority that Chuck Bass will pucker up his precious trout lips for actor Neal Bledsoe next season.
The storyline is kind of brings the bores. Neal will play the head of freshmen affairs at NYU, where Blair Waldorf Salad is a student. Blair really wants to deliver the freshmen speech at some school event, so Chuck Bass seduces Neal to get her the gig. BOOM! That's it. This is The CW, so I doubt this is going to make you want to fidget with your privates. I'm guessing no tongue, no nipple pinching, no face slapping and no hair pulling. I'd rather watch Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford's private home movies. But a gay kiss is a gay kiss, so this is a start.
Here's those GG hos (including Hilary Duff) shooting in NYC yesterday. And is Chuck Bass butt queefing in the second thumbnail below? Because the chick with the blue purse looks like she smells one.
This actually took longer than I expected, but here's one of the first "MICHAEL JACKSON IS STILL ALIVE" vidoes. KTLA posted this clip of "Michael Jackson" getting out of an L.A. Coroner's van. The person who uploaded the video to LiveLeak wrote this:
"This video shows that Michael was still alive after his dead body was transported to the Los Angeles Dept. of Coroner I checked the license plate number and it looks like the King of Pop is jumping out of the same van, his dead body has been in. I got the original video tape from a trustworthy source. I know him for years. And I am sure it´s real and Michael is alive."
It's obviously Michael. All the signs are there. I mean, he's wearing a white shirt and Michael wore white shirts...sometimes. He's also wearing black pants and I'm sure Michael wore black pants A LOT. I'm sure Michael was on his way to play a game of Chutes & Ladders with Elvis and Tupac.
But there's only one way to find out (you know where I'm going with this)! DETECTIVE LA TOYA, your job is not done! Pick up your magnifying glass and get to the bottom of this!
Is this the face of a cunt who would intentionally destroy everything her husband has worked for just because she thinks he needs to dip his ass in other things like her? Well, Betty Confidential thinks it is. According to their sources, Fishsticks Paltrow wants her fellow cuntmeister husband to put Coldplay on pause, so that he can go and do his own thing.
Their source said, "Gwyneth has outright told Chris that he should consider going solo. She is busy doing all of her projects and she wants him to diversify as well. She doesn't have a problem with Coldplay, but she wants Chris to think about trying a solo album just to see if he likes it. When Gwyneth mentioned it, Chris was furious. He loves the band and he has no desire to change things right now. Chris basically ignored her and walked away."
To be fair, I think Chris completely ignores her ass anyway. When Fishy asks him if he wants steamed organic bird seed or cunt paella for dinner, Chris answers her by showing her his ass.
And I have a hard time believing this. Fishy could give a dinosaur's clit about what other bitches are doing. Fishy's nose is so far up her own ass that she simply can't be bothered to sniff at other people's shit.
This would certainly confirm some long term rumors. This bald, male, former A list action star and now a solid B in movies only was spotted at a house party this past weekend making out with a guy. The thing about it is he wasn't trying to be discreet at all. There have to be some pictures of this because there were just too many people at the party. (CDAN)
My guess is the one and only Vin Diesel? But I'll throw in Jason Statham and Bruce Willis just for shits?
These cheating TV costars have been very sneaky in the past to keep their affair under wraps. One is married, one has a boyfriend, but now another costar, with connections to our source discovered their little secret rendezvous and told everyone else on set. No one is happy about it, because the cast really like this actor’s wife. No one from the Office. (BuzzFoto via Blind Gossip)
This one requires a lot of research (Detective La Toya, where art though?), but I'll guess Sawyer and Freckles from Lost?
This under-40 primarily film actor is unmarried, so he certainly can date whoever he wants. However, the kind of girl he prefers dates for a living. He likes the fact that he can have them do whatever he wants with no strings attached and no fear of tabloid tattletales. However, one little detail has slipped out. While some men want the “girlfriend experience”, our guy wants the “fan experience”. His idea of warming up includes having the girl/s (sometimes more than one) clap and scream out his name like an admiring fan, and then chase him around the house begging for his autograph. We thought he was getting plenty of that in real life. Obviously his ego is a bottomless pit. (Blind Gossip)
This has The Piven's name written all over it, but he is over 40. Damn damn damn! This could be my favorite manwhore Gerard Butler?
When haggard wigs attack: The Katharine McPhee edition - Just Jared
IN THIS ECONOMY, Mena Suvari is doing what she has to do for a check - Hollywood Tuna
Carmen Electra still exists, is in a bikini - Egotastic!
Chace Crawford is no Viggo Mortensen - Popsugar
Warning to all of Vancouver: Don't leave your house without a body condom and face mask on! Parasite Hilton's fumes are in the air! - Lainey Gossip
In case you've been wondering, here's Andy Cohen without a top on - Towleroad
Every neighborhood needs a good crackhouse, but LiLo's neighbors don't feel that way - Celebitchy
Chupa Zoe needs to find some seaweed on the beach and eat it STAT (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Um...at least the dog (on the leash) looks cute - SOW
I would think Leonardo DiCaprio would lose a ton of weight from chasing all those hos - I'm Not Obsessed
Nipples by numbers - Cityrag
Woe is the douchebag - Popeater
Delusional: It's a word Kerry Katona should look up - Holy Moly!
Behold! Queen Glamberace on his throne - Socialite Life
Brit Brit and her Cheetolings taken NYC - Hollywood Rag
Jessica Biel will give you a virus - ICYDK
Anna Paquin is on the cover of Nylon, so they threw her ass a big party in Los Angeles last night. Anna must have been feeling nostalgic, because she's wearing one of En Vogue's old dresses from the 90s. Give it up, turn it loose. And I'm guessing Stephen Moyer rushed straight from the True Blood set, because he didn't take off his Vampire Beeeehl make-up. Yeah, I know they are done shooting for now, but let's just go with it. Let's also say that one of Lafayette's earrings accidentally blew into Beeehl's ear. Blame the wind.
In that white box is a mound of deliciousness that has been blessed by angels. And behind that box is a mound of cacaness in sunglasses that my toilet won't even bless. Too mean? Well, GOOD FUCKING GOOD! While I'm sitting here, nibbling on a soggy microwave burrito, Lady CaCa gets to feast on the food of the Gods. I mean, I sometimes like my In-N-Out animal-style, but I never want it caca-style.
Something is wrong with this picture. THIS BITCH! She's always getting me good!
Here's LC leaving LAX yesterday and arriving at her hotel in West Hollywood with my dreams in a box.
The demonic warlords at American Idol can not stop the little pill popper who can! Paula always rises HIGH HIGH HIGH above (after nose dancing with a little Nitrous). We can resume playing the "Do a shot every time Paula does the Vicodin stutter" drinking game, because Paula Abdul will host Vh1's Divas Live on September 17th.
This is her first TV job since Idol left her career for dead in the gutter! Paul was in talks with ABC for a role on Ugly Betty and a judge spot on Dancing with the Has-Beens, but that didn't work out, because they refused to install an InstyMeds kiosk in her trailer. Rude!
After four years, Divas Live will return with a line-up which includes: Kelly Clarkson, Miley Cyrus, Adele, Leona Lewis and Jordin Sparks.
We're going to need Detective La Toya Jackson to bring her magnifying glass over here and tell us where the divas are. Because I don't see any in that list.
I mean, Miley Cyrus?! One of Queen Aretha Franklin's juicy chichi dingles is more of a diva than Miley. Was Noah Cyrus already booked at the Spearmint Rhino, because EVEN she is more of a diva than Miley. Hopefully, Paula Abdul's crackhead antics will save this show!