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If you're ever bored, just come back to this picture and try to count all the chins. That should keep you busy for a few hours. Anyisthatsharonglessinthatpicture, the buxom rosy-cheeked bear all the way to the left is claiming that he was Michael Jackson's gay lover and soulmate. File this under: Claire Cruise's new partner in fuckery.

The sessy bacon donut's (shout out to Top Chef) name is Jason Pfeiffer and he went on over to The Sun to spill his heart out to them. And let me tell you, it was a mess! The Sun's janitors are still mopping up the lard jelly off the floor. It's like your memaw's grease jar exploded! Sorry, I'm getting off track again. Let's just pucker our ears and listen to Jason's tale of love with the King of Pop.

Jason, who works for Dr. Arnie Klein, said the sparks started when Michael asked him for a ride one night, "I guess our first 'date' was in my car. We went for a drive and were talking and having fun, but Michael had his minders who were 'nosey' as Michael put it. We had to make sure we were not caught, and although the date was short as I had to take him home before anyone noticed, we had a great time. I thought nobody else knew, but have since discovered that others did surmise the truth. I've lost my soulmate. It's very hard to describe the loss I feel - but there is something that's empty in my heart."

Girl, your heart is empty, because you've been yapping for the past few seconds! Stop spewing out words and eat a snack (aka two dozen KFC Double Down Sandwiches)! Your heart will fill back up right away!

Okay, it sounds like in the span of one short car ride, Jason fell madly in love with Michael Jackson and declared him his soulmate. WHAAAA?! Was Michael Jackson covered in fried cheese, bits of chocolate-covered bacon, pie-filling and Bisquick batter, because that's the only way I can see Jason falling in love with him in the blink of an eye. GIRL STOP!

Now that LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have publicly announced their fuck parts are no longer attached their spouses, they can freely frolic out into the world together. That's what they did yesterday at a golf course in Valenica, CA. The two twatties played a round of golf and made sure to smile really purdy for the cameras. SCRAGS BITCHES!

You know, this is kind of cold-hearted of LeAnn to dress like a dude after she's separated from her husband, Babeh McGayFace. I'm sure he got on his knees and begged her to dress like a skinny KFed when they were together, but she refused. And now here she is. FUCK HER SHIT, though! While she's playing golf, I'm sure her husband is living the life by partaking in his own game of "anal bead ball in the hole."

When you're looking for a quick piece, most of us go to Craigslist, AdultFriendFinder, the bar at Howard Johnson's or a random alley. Not Cameron Diaz. That bitch just goes to her IMDB page and picks out which former co-star she's going to grease up! Cameron has already allegedly been through Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law. And now, The Sun is saying that Cameron was out on a date with everyone's favorite flea nest Keanu Reeves and she was trying to impress him with her hamburger swallowing skills. Sucioness.

A witness-type said, "They looked very cosy. Cameron was stuffing her burger in her mouth and playing up the fact that she has that wide mouth. Keanu was laughing - it was strange to see him giggling like that as he's regarded as a bit serious."

Yes, because a Pizza Face stuffing a mound of ground beef in her mouth is really going to make Keanu's dick butter sizzle. Unless the dude is into scat, that shit is not going to turn him on. And if Cameron wants to show off what a fatty fat fat mouth she has, all she has do to is say something.

Yesterday in NYC, Billy Ray Cyrus was whoring out Hellman's Mayonnaise during some event when Access Hollywood (via UsWeekly) asked him what he thought about Miley's pole dance on an ice cream cart at the Teen Choice Awards. Okay, why does it feel both inappropriate and appropriate for Billy Ray to be talking about his 16-year-old daughter working the pole while holding a big load of a creamy white substance in his hand? Billy makes it so so easy.

After Billy thought about it and made a mayo pie in his pants, he answered, "You know what? I just think that Miley loves entertaining people. She loves singing [and] songwriting. I always tell her to love what you're doing and stay focused for the love of the art and not worry so much about opinion. I give my kids a lot of freedom to make the art they wanna make, and make it in their own voice. I think it's important."

Papa Joe, you better take care of this haggard possum (no relation to Kate Gosselin), because he is stealing your ACT! Billy Ray's pimp hand might be mightier than Papa Joe's. Take cover!

Yes, Miley, keep shaking those pork chops for the lord, because it entertains so many people. And by "so many people," I mean Billy Ray's NOT RIGHT areas.

And I'm sure that in 90 years, our children's great great grandchildren will walk into the Louvre in Paris and see a video of Miley's prostitot thrust right next to the Mona Lisa and Heidi Montag's Playboy cover. Billy Ray is so right. It's art.

Robert Pattinson doesn't believe in bathing. He just waits until the dirt is thick enough to peel off. - starvis

Runners-up:

I've Got Xenu Under My Skin - loozer

Going to earn them redwings ? Why make a mess ? Suit up with the Bloody Hell Full Body Condom. - WTFOMGLOL

Joan Rivers caught sneezing. - RecessVillain

(Thanks Matt...I think)

Gary Spivey - Psychic, medium, spiritual healer, hairvoyant and overall crazy. Gary travels the world sharing his mind boggling powers on radio stations everywhere and serious TV shows like Hard Copy, Inside Edition and Jerry Springer. Gary's trademark is his giant Snowball fro which looks like a yeti's dick bush. But Gary's magical fro is what holds all his bullshit powers! Gary claims he has predicted the following:

Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson Scandal
Renee Zellweger Wins an Oscar
Sept 11th Terrorist Attacks
Break-up of Cindy Crawford and Richard Gere
Gorilla rescues child
Bob Dole falls off Stage

Amazing! Mind-boggling! Visit his website and prepare to be amazed!

For Raen

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