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Jay Z's bodyguard must have had a hard shit stuck in his ass last night, because he was in no mood. When Jay-Z and Beyonce were leaving a restaurant in Dubrovnik, Croatia, a pepaw pap (pepawrazzi?) tried to get a few pictures of them. Jay-Z's mighty fist (aka his bodyguard) wasn't having it, so he swiped at the pepaw's camera, breaking its light.

Since we all know pepaws are not the one, he fought back by throwing his tripod at Jay's bodyguard. You can guess what happened next. The bodyguard dumped that shit into the ocean.

The pepaw called the cops who charged Jay's bodyguard with fucking up someone else's personal property. Strangely enough, he was not charged with ocean pollution. Don't worry, Bette Midler has his number.

Why does Beyonce even need a bodyguard? I thought she could break jaws with just a thrust of her crotch? And blind a bitch with just a whip from her wig? Obviously, I thought wrong.

Beyonce needs to fire that bodyguard and hire posarassi fighter Quween on the Scene. Quween isn't the violent type. Quween would've made that pap disappear in a flash by asking him for some money. That is the quickest way to get a bitch out of your face.

Vh1 announced that they have pressed the pause button on Megan Wants A Millionaire due to one of the contestants being a "person of interest" in the murder of his wife. They issued this statement:

"Ryan Jenkins was a contestant on Megan Wants A Millionaire, an outside production, produced and owned by 51 Minds, that is licensed to VH1. The show completed production at the end of March. Given the unfortunate circumstances, VH1 has postponed any future airings. This is a tragic situation and our thoughts go out to the victim’s family."

And here I was thinking Vh1 was going to give Ryan his own show!

They have already erased traces of Megan Wants a Millionaire from their website. Vh1 didn't say if they were going to air the rest of the episodes eventually or simply just flush the entire show down the toilet and walk away. Another Vh1 reality show also might not see our Tivos anytime soon.

TMZ claims that Ryan Jenkins was (SPOILER ALERT) not only a contestant on I Love Money 3, but his friends say he won the entire thing. This means his ass is in every single episode. Vh1 hasn't even announced an air date for ILM3, so they could easily just pour it into a shot glass, shove it up a snatch and let DJ Lady Tribe swallow it up.

Squinty Zellweger's former homegirl, Kenny Chesney, is launching his own clothing line called Blue Chair Bay. Kenny told People that his new line, for both dicks and chicks, will be like “that favorite T-shirt that you’ve washed a lot that is kind of sun bleached… your favorite khakis, and your shirt that you’ve had forever."

Kenny says this isn't something he just stamped his name on. When he wasn't performing on stage or trolling the bath houses for a peen that won't quit, Kenny was getting his purdy hands dirty by helping to design this crap. Kenny even named some of the pieces after his favorite butt buddies friends, “I’ve got a shirt that says 'Bob’s Charter' and Bob is a buddy of mine that’s been living in the islands for a long time.”

Kenny didn't mention it, but his collection will also include assless chaps, jean shorts with dick hole cutouts, sleeveless shirts with built-in nipple clamps and puka shell cock rings.

Ricky Martin is looking so damn serious in this picture he posted on his website of his 1-year-old twinsies. It's like he's saying, "I come in peace. Take these babies as an offering." No, thanks, but I'll take a piece of you instead, Ricky.

Seriously, I've never gotten the tingles in a major way for Ricky, but dude is looking hot. I guess being around baby shit fumes, nose smegma, banana vomit and SpongeBob SquarePants does a body good. Yeah, that can't be it. If that was the case, Jon Gosselin wouldn't look like something the Pillsbury Doughboy's asshole coughed up.

Shouldn't Kourtney Kardashian be negotiating a reality show starring her fetus or trying to sell her ultrasound scans to the tabloids? Instead, Kourtney is still here, yap yap yapping away. Kourt has already told us that she got knocked up, because she kind of forgot to take her birth control pills. Now, she's telling People Magazine that she thought about having an abortion.

How precious. I hope Kourtney is cutting out these touching articles and putting them in her baby book.

Kourtney is speaking out, because she has a reality shit show to whore out. And because she feels that women don't thoroughly think through their options, "I can't even tell you how many people just say, 'Oh, get an abortion.' Like it's not a big deal." Kourtney went on to queef that she wanted to know what risks she would face if she had an abortion, so she talked about it with her doctor. Kourtney's physician, Dr. Sarah Palin, told her, "There is nothing you will ever regret about having the baby, but you may regret not having the baby."

After speaking with her doctor and agreeing with what they had to say, Kourtney went on the internet to do her own research, "I looked online, and I was sitting on the bed hysterically crying, reading these stories of people who felt so guilty from having an abortion. I was reading these things of how many people are traumatized by it afterwards. I was just sitting there crying, thinking, 'I can't do that.' And I felt in my body, this is meant to be. God does things for a reason, and I just felt like it was the right thing that was happening in my life. For me, all the reasons why I wouldn't keep the baby were so selfish: It wasn't like I was raped, it's not like I'm 16. I'm 30 years old, I make my own money, I support myself, I can afford to have a baby. And I am with someone who I love, and have been with for a long time."

Kourtney, your fetus faxed me (it's old-school like that) and it wants you to stop airing out its business! It might be a Kardashian, but I don't think its famewhore gene is fully developed yet.

This C- list actress with B list name recognition used to be a B or B+ movie star. She then got into drugs and basically withered away her career. It happens. She had begun making a comeback last year but had to drop out of a movie because she needed surgery. What kind of surgery? Because of her past nose candy use, her entire nose had to be reconstructed and then had to have surgery on both of her cheeks as well. After taking almost an entire year off to recover she is back working and is in a big fall movie. (CDAN)

So whose mug looks like it just came out of the Tupperware factory? My first thought was Tara Reid, but it could also be Brittany Murphy or Melanie Griffith?

Even though cameras seem to follow reality stars constantly, there are still many incidents that never make it to your small screen. For example, it wasn’t until recently that you learned that this reality couple split up last year, but continued to act like a couple for the cameras for at least eight months after the breakup. With the encouragement of the show’s producers, they covered up the truth for the sake of ratings and dollars.

Here’s another example: It seems that one star of the same show was involved in a hit and run last year, but managed to completely skirt any legal ramifications. She hit a parked car, causing substantial damage, but continued on her way without stopping. Well, witnesses wrote down the license number - which was not difficult to remember as it was a vanity plate - and the police soon came knocking at her door. According to two different neighbors, the reality star began yelling “I did not stop because I’m a public figure! You can’t charge me, I’m a public figure!” Despite this admission of guilt, she was never charged with a crime, nor was it ever mentioned on the reality show. Fast payouts to the municipality and to the car’s owner may have had the effect of soothing ruffled feathers and rumpled fenders. (Blind Gossip)

The Gosselins? And Kate didn't stop, because her possum head gets nervous around cops.

Which slightly horsey yet sexy young actress is a lesbian, gamely accessorized with one of those perennial girlfriend-slash-assistants? What does that say about her boyfriend? (La Dolce Musto via Blindsmack)

Miley Cyrus? Or Anne Hathaway?

What one-named star used to eat pussy at the Playboy mansion to feed her then-insatiable meth habit? (La Dolce Musto via Blindsmack)

Vadge used to be so much fun back in the day. Although, this could be Charo. You know that trick has a wild past.

Nicole Kidman is going to be on Project Runway: All-Stars tomorrow night. They are going to use her forehead as a catwalk (And yes, that's a wax figure...I think) - Lainey Gossip

Okay, I take it back, Amber Rose isn't modest at all - Egotastic!

Is that Sienna Miller or did one of the Olsens eat a cake to grow big? - Popsugar

Lady CaCa is still indecent, because she didn't cover up her face - Holy Moly!

The CW couldn't afford to pay for all the hundreds of hours of Photoshopping it would take to include Mischa Barton in this shit - Just Jared

Richard Hatch got arrested again. You know, because he's still gay - Towleroad

Ceiling nipples - Hollywood Tuna

A limp piece of broccoli strolls through NYC (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Dear Lil Kim, Sharpies are for eyebrows, not for mole drawing - Hollywood Rag

ScarJo is not-so-pretty in pink - Popoholic

This gave me hot flashes - Cityrag

Shane West still looks like he just escaped from a methadone clinic - ICYDK

John Stamos' mom had hot hair back in the day - SOW

Squinty Zellweger looks good from the neck down - I'm Not Obsessed

A kid in Namibia says what every Brangaloonie already has tattooed on their ass - Popeater

Scary Spice doesn't need to be so overprotective of her man's goodies, because I'm pretty sure she's the only bitch who wants that piece - Socialite Life

Jay-Z is the new Gayle - Celebitchy

Mario Lopez's arch rival makes his solo club debut - Popbytes

On Today this morning, they went via satellite to the North Pole for an interview with Nora the Piano Playing Cat and her owners, Santa Claus and his mistress. Nora's owner said that she's a bit of a diva and the ivory tickling pussy proved this by basically only playing a couple of notes. Maybe Nora's not a morning puss like Whitney Houston?

Nora spent most of the interview taking a good look at herself in the piano. You know she was thinking to herself, "Am I really stuck with these two crazies forever?"

VIA Urlesque

The woman in Tunisia who claimed she was pregnant with 12 babies has turned out to be a fraud with psychological problems. OctoMommy, get back here and stop terrorizing other countries! Unfortunately, you're our problem!

The Telegraph reports that Tunisia's health ministry interviewed the baby faker and quickly determined there was no way she was 9-months pregnant with a litter of 12. A rep for the health ministry said, "Our staff interviewed her at length, but even her pregnancy appears to be in her imagination. The woman has refused point blank to undergo a medical examination. Now we can't even contact her. She's gone into hiding."

The wannabe baby machine's husband has also vanished. The health ministry thinks they were taking a page out of OctoCrazy's book and trying to make a quick dollar.

File this under: BABY WHORING FAIL. Seriously, if you want to be a baby pimp, you're going to need actual babies to turn out! I'm sure they could've rented out a few of OctoMommy's for photoshoots and interviews. OctoMom is open to negotiations.

But at least the baby typhoon isn't as powerful as I thought it was. Phew, I guess.

TMZ says that the pimps at TLC spanked Jon Grosselin on the ass by sending him a letter claiming he's violating the moral clause in his contract. They aren't amused that Jon is committing acts of douchery by bumping it with 20-something meth faces and boozing it up around town. Sources say that Jon probably doesn't give a possum's pussy that he's pissing off TLC, because he's in talks for his own reality show. And the Fuckery Train keeps rolling all the way to HELL....

Jon is in talks with a production company to star in a shit show called "Divorced Dad's Club," which will follow a group of recently divorced d-bags. Yup, this is what happens when you rub two tampons together (aka Jon Gosselin & Michael Lohan).

As for Kate, apparently she's the child army's main caretaker and she's handling the family's finances. The paycheck they make from the show goes into a joint account. After Kate puts some money into a college fund for the kids, she takes her share and gives Jon his. Jon has already spent most of it, but Kate's friends say that he's making more cash on the side by whoring out pictures and stories of him and the kids. That's a little tip he learned from Daddy Lohan!

And I also hope Kate is starting a "Therapy & Booze" fund for the kids, because something tells me they are going to need a lot of both in the future. Actually, everyone should have that kind of fund. Therapy and booze is a right, not a privilege!