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Trace Cyrus isn't going to just lay around in his stall, chewing on carrots while nursing a broken heart. No, Trace is going to show that Demi Lovato chick that he is moving on. Last night in Hollywood, Trace galloped down the streets with a Demi look-alike he probably leased from Craigslist.

The two just couldn't resist their animal attraction towards each other, so they mouth fucked in front of the paps. While everyone who was witnessing lost all feeling in their genitals, the Demi wannabe lost her dignity. It's a fair trade!

And when Trace is finished doing Equus shit with that chick, he needs to immediately report to The Maury Povich Studios. I'm pretty sure that Trace's true parents are Jesse Camp and Flicka. The truth must be revealed!

Colin Farrell's girlfriend, Polish actress Alicja Bachleda-Curuś, either swallowed an entire Honey Baked Ham whole or she's got a baby brewing in her baby. I'm going to go with the latter, because Alicja has a look on her face like: "Ya, I got this." Oh, yes she does and I'm jealous of the ho.

If Alicja does have a case of the babies and Colin is the father, then the child will be his second. Colin has a 5-year-old son named Colin with Kim Bordenave.

Colin and Alicja met on the set of the movie Ondine. They have apparently been dating for only 7-months, which means shit got serious really fast. But if you were dating Colin, you'd wrap your fuck parts around his peen rod and wouldn't let go until a baby pushed it out. Truth.

VIA Pudelek

If you have a cat in the room right now, you might want to tell it to go take a walk while you watch this video. If you let it stay and watch, it will start to get ideas and expect you to give it a full-on massage WITH oils (it's a rebel).

This is a video from a magical land called the 1980s of some crazy cat lady instructing us on how to correctly massage a cat. This is basically like lady-on-cat softcore porn. For instance, she says that it's a good thing if your cat forgets to swallow and starts drooling at the mouth. That means your cat is loving your hands all over its body. Okay, does is it also a good thing if your cat lights up a cigarette after its drooling session, because that shit sounds like a happy ending. You can't fool drool.

And today's phrase that pays is: "Who's the best cat in the United States? It's you Champer Damper, it's you."

VIA Everything Is Terrible

The Real Housewives of Atlanta's NeNe Leakes has a book out called Buy This So I Don't Get Evicted Again Never Make The Same Mistake Twice and in it she talks about how she once popped her pussay for a dollar when she was in her 20s. But who hasn't? I'm sure Kim Zolciak has made her merkin shimmy to pay a car note. On second thought, Kim is hardcore. She's not a stripper, she's a straight up prostitution whore. Ah, but I digress...

Nene writes in her book (via Gatecrasher), "Yes, I was a stripper - let the judgments ensue. I'm not ashamed. What difference does it make if I danced or not? Is the sun going to stop shining? Is my past taking food out of your mouth? [I stripped] for the sake of my son, and to restore my confidence in myself. My son was in private school, his father wasn't chipping in for ­pull-ups or food, I had no job and no money coming in, the rent was past due, and the super told me and my roommate that our condo owner was about to put us out. It was about survival. I could make $500 off one guy just by turning him on. These men were obviously there to see what I had, and I quickly realized that those men weren't there to make me feel bad about myself."

I would never judge NeNe for getting paid. A dollar is a dollar. But I will judge her for her choice of a stripper name. NeNe says she want by the moniker "Silk." Now I know NeNe can do better than that! I mean, was The Chocolate Fox already taken? Or PuNeNe? Or LBB (Low-Budget Bitch)? Any of those are better than Silk!

And if NeNe should ever decide to make her triumphant return to the pole, this should be the song she bumps it to. I present to you the full version of Kim Zolciak's "Tardy for the Party."

I'm sure you can see Kim performing this soon-to-be international hit at the wig section inside a swap meet near you!

I'm so disgusted with myself, because I've been singing this song all day. Why do I hate myself so?

(Thanks ChicagoSnitch)

You would think that in the Internet age it would be very difficult for a well-known person to fabricate their history. However, that is exactly what this youngish multi-hyphenate has done. She is approximately five years older than she claims to be, and she did not grow up in an upper middle class neighborhood, nor go to private school. She has been known to dabble in some unsavory substances that are in direct contradiction to her public persona. Perhaps as long as she maintains A-list status she has the power to convince people that her alternate identity is the truth. (Blind Gossip)

I know this blind item isn't about Kim Zolciak (in the picture above), but one day Detective La Toya and I will catch that age-lair! But for now, my guesses are either singer/dancer/actress/wig hero Beyonce, Catherine Zeta-Jones, or pole-dancer/child role model Noah Cyrus?

I guess this guy is a reality show host. The show is not really scripted although it does manage to usually bring out the tears. Anyway, the host likes to make it seem like everything on the show is all his idea when actually it is a team of people and he shows up for five minutes and takes the credit. He is also trying to sell the ideas that the other people have created and pass them off as his own. (CDAN)

Ty Pennington?

Which ageing singer has become so obsessed with Botox and fillers, his friends have started calling him 'Frank', after Frankenstein's Monster... (3am)

Barry Manilow or George Michael?

Sean Penn and Robin Wright's yo-yo of a marriage is back down again. Robin Wright has once again filed for divorce for the third damn time. Third time's a charm?

People says that Robin filed for The Big D on August 12th in Marin County, CA. They list "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for their split. Translation: Sean Penn still won't give up the bad shit and random pussy.

The documents also state that they will share custody of their 16-year-old son Hopper Jack. Robin is not asking for spousal support.

You know the ho at the court who handles the divorce papers is sick of seeing both of their names. Bitch just rolls her eyes, smacks her gum, stamps that shit and keeps it close just in case they change their minds again. For real, bitch should start up the paper shredder, because it won't be long before Robin and Sean take it all back. But for Robin's sake, I hope it sticks this time.

Oh My Godric: Seeing Jason Stackhouse with his nipples out never gets old - Just Jared

The Photoshop Awards: Keira Knightley's topless Chanel ad - Egotastic!

RiRi's terrifying witchy red claws make her look so maternal - Popsugar

Michael Buble's new piece - Lainey Gossip

If crazy Richard Hatch's defintion of "gay" is a bitch who doesn't pay their taxes, then I totally agree with his statement - Towleroad

Christina Hendricks and her chichis o' plenty in L.A. - Hollywood Tuna

Brit Brit in 5 years - Hollywood Rag

Everyone's favorite evil gayby has a message for every Emmy voter - SOW

Off the charts - Cityrag

Karina and Maksim's fart-inducing staged romantic pictures (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Kirstie Alley is about to cover everyone at the National Enquirer with chocolate sauce and fried barley chips so that she can eat them all up - Celebitchy

Leelee Sobieski still exists - Popoholic

Holy stoner Brad Pitt is doing a movie just for his kids - I'm Not Obsessed

Katy Perry prayed for big titties when she was a little girl. You and me both, bitch. But your prayers got answered - Socialite Life

Hailey Glassman is really fucking clever - ICYDK

Here's John Goodman (aka always Dan Conner to me) carrying a couple of tanks filled with whipped cream (his afternoon snack) on the NYC set of his movie, POPOZAO 'N Cheese: The KFed Story. No, John is working on some shit called You Don't Know Jack.

Peep at the tiny pepaw behind. No, it's not a micro-machine version of Ian McKellen. It's none other than Tony Montana himself! Al Pacino doused his dome with silver to play professional plug-puller Dr. Kevorkian. Brenda Vaccaro is also in this shit, so you know it's going to be a winner (Supergirl, anyone?).

Another day, another bikini for Brit Brit! This is the third time in just as many days that Brit Brit has been spotted cooling her glazed pork chops with her Cheetolings at the Ritz Carlton pool in Marina Del Rey.

Yes, this is news you need to know. I mean, what if Chester Cheetah approached you on the street with the keys to the Cheeto Palace and said it will all be yours if you just tell him how many times Brit Brit has been seen in a bikini during the past 3 days. SEE! This is news you can use.

Last week, Brad Pitt told Bill Maher that he put his pot smoking days behind him when he became a father to the child army. Well, Quentin Tarantino says otherwise!

Yesterday on The Howard Stern Show, Quentin told a little tale about how Saint Brad of the Good Doers gave him a sliver of hash when he was hanging out his house in France last year. Brad also likes to smoke his good shit "8th-grade-style," because when Quentin asked for a pipe, he was given a Coke can. Yes, one of the richest dudes around is smoking hash out of a Coke can. I'm sure if Brad asked, one of the twin messiahs could just touch that Coke can and turn it into a solid gold bong.

Why so lie-telly, Brad? Is dude afraid that if he sings to the world that he's a proud stoner everyone will think he's the next Amy Wino? Please, the crazed Brangaloonies would still worship him even if it's uncovered that he's running a hash factory in France. Hmmm...that would explain why he has so many kiddies.

And Brad should not only embrace his stoner-ness, but he should also demand that every Brangaloonie needs to smoke a bowl every once and a while. Seriously, maybe that will calm the crazy a bit.

Skip on over to TMZ to listen Quentin on Howard.