Brad Pitt sat down with Bill Maher last night and talked about the usual shit he likes yap about: gay marriage, church vs. state and weeeeeeeeed. Everyone knows Brad was a stoner of stoners back in the day (just ask Juliette Lewis), but he said he gave up heaven's herb when he started having a zillion babehs. Babies = BUZZ KILLERS.
Brad said, "I certainly had my day. I'm a dad now. You want to be alert and my eyes used to glaze over when I did that."
Brad may not smoke any of the good shit anymore, but you know he gives some to the kiddies in brownie-form to calm their asses down. But seriously, if I had 6 screechers running around me, I'd have to get a bong permanently attached to my mouth hole. Better yet, stick a morphine drip in my ass and never pull it out.
In case you missed that shit last night and care to see it, above is part uno and below is part two.
Alyssa Milano has decided to give the whole marriage thing another go for the second time. Alyssa married agent David Bugliari at his family's house in New Jersey today. People says that Alyssa wore Vera Wang, she walked down the aisle to John Lennon's "Imagine" and her reception was decorated with rattan furniture and hay bales. Okay, Alyssa took a left turn and lost me at the rattan and hay bales part. Was this a Spears themed weddings?
Unfortunately, I don't think Mona was there to tell her she was making a huge mistake by tying her vagina down to one man.
I'm guessing Alyssa's new ball and chain cums Mother's Cookies and has a dick the size of an obese boa constrictor, because well...you know....
AND I hope Alyssa dazzled her wedding guests at the reception by performing this amazing song:
Now I know why they invented auto-tune.
Just one day after their bitch fight, Jon & Kate reunited outside of their house for a good ole' fashioned kiss and make-up (in front of the cameras) session with their child army. Staging photo-ops to look like "the perfect white picket fence family" must be in the damn air.
Kate played nice by covering up her rabid possum so it wouldn't scratch at Jon's floppy wang while foaming at the mouth. You know, Guinness should pay a little visit to Kate, because I'm pretty sure she owns the largest collection of fugly hats. Why does Kate hate her head so much? The electrocuted possum is one thing, but wearing hats that will give your brain the dry heaves is another.
And in other Gosselin news you can fart to, Jon's whore has spoken out. I'm talking about this trick:
Yeah, well Meth Brows dusted the plant soil off of hair and gave an interview to E! News where she said: "Jon is my first love. I'm not some fame whore. Take my 15 minutes, you can have it back. Please take it back! I want people to know the truth. Right now I'm speaking from my heart, myself. I'm not some celebrity, I'm not some famous person—I'm just a 22-year-old girl who got caught in the middle of all this."
Oh, Hailey, you're not some fame whore, you're just a straight-up WHORE. Don't sell yourself short.
I am forever on the look-out for elegant creatures of the famous and non-famous variety, so my soul jumped out of my body and got into the "worship position" when a reader sent in these pictures of a beauty who is doing everything RIGHT! This takes effort, so we need to praise her accordingly.
This is complete perfection from the pristine Sharpie brows, to the "TAKE THAT, Kate Gosselin" frosted flakes mullet, to the Trompe-l'oeil t-shirt that looks like it sashayed off the Paris runways before finally resting on her chest.... This is how you present yourself to the outside world! We should all grab on to her mullet of splendor as she takes us higher and higher!
"Hey gurlfriendz, check out my super sessy supermodel sneakers! Now I can do kissies on Will Smith without standing on 5 Scientology handbooks. Oopz, did I say that? And step up your game, Suri, I'm almost taller than you!" - Tommy Girl
These pictures of Tommy, Katie and Suri almost make them look like a normal family. But then my brain reminds me of the contract, the barley water, the thetans and the DOS hard drive inside Katie's head. Speaking of, Katie's system needs to upgrade to the new Windows, because she is looking tired and miserable.
According to my watch, it's almost time for Katie to pull a "Sleeping with the Enemy" and fake her death.
Anyway, here's more of the happy family spending some quality photo-op time together in Melbourne, Australia.
52-year-old Luann McKinnley was just trying to bring home the bacon when she stuffed 3 pounds of oinky deliciousness into her purse. Luann, who is (or was) an employee at Perkins restaurant in Florida, was busted after some nosy ass HATING co-worker witnessed her stealing the bacon and called the police. The police arrived and brought the bacon smuggler in.
While searching her purse at the station, officers not only found the bacon, but they also found some kind of illegal drug and contraband. Luann was charged with snatching the bacon and possession of the bad shit. She is currently marinating in a cell on $5,500 bond.
This article didn't say what kind of bad shit Luann was caught with, but just take a quick look at her face and you decide. Luanne's face is sponsored by THIS SITE. But you know, I can't really fully hate on Luann. Homegirl knows what makes up a delicious and nutritious breakfast: bacon and scrambled meth.
George Michael was arrested in Berkshire, England yesterday morning after his Land Rover angrily butt fucked a lorry (British-talk for truck) on the highway. Both George and the driver of the lorry he rear-ended were not injured. The cops dragged Georgie in, because he is George Michael which means he was probably under the influence of some kind of shit during the crash. A few hours after his arrest, George was released back into the wild without being charged.
Stupid ass George barely got his license back too. In 2007, his license was suspended for two years after he pleaded guilty to driving while high as fuck.
George and cars are fucking done professionally! They don't go together. All cars should close their key holes to George Michael. We need to get George one of those play cars, so he can sit in his driveway and just pretend he's driving. Dude can even take a hit of the bad shit while "play driving" if that's how he likes to have fun.
Maybe George is getting arrested on purpose so that he can beat Pete Doherty's record.
Shonna Smith from A&E's Family Plots (R.I.P.) - After the success of Six Feet Under, A&E came out with a reality TV-version of that show starring a family who helped run a funeral home in Poway, CA. Shonna was one of the sisters and also the head mortician. But more importantly, Shonna was the resident bitch. She was known for her chain-smoking, endless bitching and randomly storming out during the day when hos got on her nerves. The show didn't last that long (two seasons), but Shonna's bitchy spirit will stay with me forever and ever! Last time I heard, Shonna retired from the dead business and moved to the East Coast.
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