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HoHan is making Ali look like this on purpose, so she looks younger, right? Because no 15-year-old should look like a divorced mother of two (circa 1976) coming home after working a 12-hour shift as a cocktail waitress at HoJo's. This girl needs an abuelita in her life to wipe that make-up off with Vaseline before putting her ass to bed.

But on a positive note, at least she's not bumping it against stripper pole....in public.....yet (SPOILER ALERT: That will happen next year).

Vanessa Hudgen's Disney nipples made an encore appearance on the internet last week and you know Dane Cook printed out a dozen copies of those pictures and laminated them for his future enjoyment. Dane's wang skin is probably barely growing back after he rubbed it raw from smacking it so much while looking at Vanessa's tittays. But at last night's Teen Choice Awards, Dane tried to play like he wanted her to cover up. Motherfucker, pleeeeeease.

Dane came out, asked Vanessa to show herself and then suddenly turned into Marla Gibbs when he said, "Gurl, you gots to keep yo clothes on. Phonez are for phone calls, gurl."

The funniest part is at the beginning when Vanessa gets all excited after Dane shouts her name. Vanessa is wagging her tail, thinking she's going to get some kind of prize (a new camera phone, maybe?) and then...SMACK! Dane hits her with the nekkid joke. Vanessa tries to do her best bitchface (Professor MiserAlba gives her an F minus), but didn't really pull it off.

Zac Efron probably thought to himself, "Yeah, she really should keep her clothes on, because it makes me feel awkward in the privates when she takes it all off."

For the past few weeks, Bradley Cooper has been linked to Squinty, Denise Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Well, in the battle of the beards, it looks like Squinty has won out for now! The two pretended to be all slick-like when they got on a flight from JFK to Barcelona the other day. The paps say Squinty and Bradley went through security separately, but ended up getting on the same plane together.

The voices in my inbox tell me that Bradley gets thirsty for the peen every now and again, but I've never seen photographic proof. If you have it, send it my way, because I'm running low in the porn department. But if the rumors are true, then he picked a perfectly capable beard. And if they aren't true, well then what the hell is doing with Squinty?! I'm joking. Dating Squinty has its advantages. She's probably fun at parties and I'm sure she always has the best of the bad shit.

Claire Cruise, the bag of roasted peanuts who claims she is the biological mother of all three of Michael Jackson's kiddies, held a press conference outside of her mental hospital cell the courthouse today and she dropped another BOMB. FUCKING. SHELL. Claire says she and Michael Jackson are the biological parents of Connor Cruise, Tommy Girl's son with Nicole Kidman. Escandalo! Somewhere in the world, Nicole Kidman's forehead moved for the first time in YEARS after she heard about this fuckery.

Yeah, I know we shouldn't even be feeding the crazy, but it's Monday and we all need to be entertained! So... TMZ was there when Claire told a group of interns reporters that Michael Jackson gave Tom Cruise the baby, because "he didn't like the color of his skin." Claire continued to confirm that she is from another planet by saying even though she conceived of all Michael's kids, she didn't give birth to them. Thanks to state-of-the-art technology, all of the embryos were removed from her crazy body and inserted into a surrogate.

Claire took the blue pill, didn't she? Bitch is BEYOND. Who needs to drop acid? Just spend a little time with Claire and she'll take you to another dimension.

I can't wait to see who else she drags into her crazy world. I mean, don't be surprised if she declares that Kate Gosselin's possum head is her biological child with ALF. Claire Cruise is the baby mama to the stars (in her head)!

P.S. - Dollhouse Dude, where art thou?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Birthday: May 6, 19something
Age: ?
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: August 7, 2009
Claim to Fame: Sandra Rinomato has been selling houses in Toronto, Canada for over 12 years. Homegirl got her own show in Canada called Property Virgins (Property Vaginas to you and me) where she tries to help hos buy their first home. The show also plays in the US on HGTV. Needless to say, I'm hooked like a crackhead.

Where is she now? Pimping out houses, duh.

Why is she HS of the Week? I really thought I was the only one who was addicted to this shit, but after receiving tons of e-mails (aka 4) from hos who also share my love for Sandra, I realize that I'm not alone. How can you not love Sandra? Sandra knows how to give a subtle side-eye when a dumb bitch complains about how the house isn't new enough or the bathroom tile is fugly.

You know, a few weeks ago, I saw this episode which made me want to defend Sandra's honor. Some stupid ass boy was buying his first place. Dude wanted a duplex and not for a lot of money. Sandra did all the work, showed him exactly what he asked for and helped him find the perfect place. Well, he turned around and bought that shit behind her back. Dude shanked her in the back! Sandra is a lady, so she didn't beat him something good, but you know the house Gods frowned up that shit! You know that when he opened the door to his brand new house for the first time after receiving the keys, the whole thing crumbled into a pile of dust. You don't eff with Sandra.

TwiTitties: Ashley Greene has got a case of the nekkids! - Egotastic!

And she also must love the taste of ass dust - Lainey Gossip

Kristen Stewart wearing a skirt that will protect her from the crazed Twihards that attack her daily - Popsugar

Kristin Calamariorwhatever being useless in a bikini - Hollywood Tuna

Joe Jonas must not care about his ears, because there's no way in blue hell I'd ever let Mike Tyson come near me with a pair of scissors - Just Jared

The Euro version of Kim Zolciak and Big Poppa (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Um. How do I join the Georgia Tech football team? - Towleroad

Roisin Murphy speaks the truth: "Lady Gaga is just a poor imitation of me. She has copied my style, she took my shoulder pads and all that. Mind you she doesn't wear the bottom half!" - Hollywood Rag

Karolina Kurkova slips a nip - Cityrag

HoHan wants to know where she can order some of Cameron Douglas' signature "bath salts" - Celebitchy

Channing Tatum was a teen dick shaker - ICYDK

All that fake tan jizz is starting to eff with Peter Andre's brains - Holy Moly!

Something you needed to know: Zachary Quinto picks up dog shit - Socialite Life

PETA is trying to kill us all - I'm Not Obsessed

The Three Stooges biopic is already a mess - SOW

Do you love candy? Well, you will love it even more (sarcasm) after seeing this video of Loco Mama singing about a candy bra! At first I thought this was my Uncle Werner after getting the "Xtina Makeover" at the MAC counter! But Werner's chichis are bigger than that.

I have a feeling that Loco Mama has a hit on her hands. This is going to go double barf bag. It's going to sell more than all of Brooke Hogan's albums combined (that is saying nothing).

In other news, a ginge pussy, who might be Keyboard Cat , was just seen trying to jump off the 6th Street Bridge.

VIA Buzzfeed

Above is a screen shot of Claire Elisabeth Fields Cruise's Facebook page. Claire was filed three guardianship petitions in L.A. for all three of Michael Jackson's kids. Claire says SHE IS THE MOTHER. TMZ says that Claire is also queefing that she's married to Michael Jackson, but currently engaged to Blanket's biological father. And the lunatic frosting on the crazy cake is that Claire also swears she's the baby mama of one of Tommy Girl's kids.

I really don't need to comment on any of this since Claire's dog's face in the picture above is saying everything I need to say and more. That is the look of a dog who spends his afternoons sniffing the floor for Valium pills and trying to escape by flushing himself down the toilet. I fully co-sign and notarize his "Y ME" look.

And does Claire really want to rumble with a big ass butchie in a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt? Claire will be farting out Timberlands for months.

In other "Maury Should Get On This" news, Mark Lester (the dude from the Oliver! movie) is apparently saying that he never claimed to be Paris Jackson's biological father. Over the weekend, the esteemed journals of truths known as The News of the World ran an interview with Mark where he allegedly said he believed the jizz he donated to Michael was used to make Paris. A source close to the Jackson family told People, "They twisted his words around. He's not claiming to be the father of Paris Jackson." They OLIVER TWISTED him! I'm sorry, I'll see myself out.

I love a good bitch fight, but this is not one. This is kind of sad. Just picture tiny Chris Kattan and little Jeremy Piven barking at each other backstage at Alexa Chung's MTV show. Gatecrasher reports that it all started when Chris rolled in on his Big Wheel, skipped up to Jeremy and said, "So, what are you here to promote, your Broadway play?" Of course, Chris was making fun of how Jeremy dropped out of a play, because he ate too much fish. Jeremy wasn't about to let Chris ZING him like that, so he put down his dolly and fired back, "Well, what are you here to promote? Mango?" BURN! Grab your lunchbox and take a seat, because it's about to be a TODDLER FIGHT!

The two went back and forth for a little bit, but shit got real when Jeremy delivered a low blow by making fun of Chris' "in the gutter" career. That's when Chris realized that Jeremy wasn't playing around, but that he was doing that shit for real. Chris called a time out and told Jeremy that he was just making harmless fish jokes. It wasn't not funny (copryright Tammy from The Real World: Los Angeles) to Jeremy. Before grabbing his dolly and going off to sulk in a corner, he shouted at Chris, "I'm getting sued for that shit! It's not funny!"

15 minutes later, Chris tried to say he was sorry about the whole thing, but Jeremy wouldn't listen and shut the door in his face! Jeremy's spokeswhore laughed off the whole thing and said he knew it was just jokes. But Chris' spokeswhore said something totally different: "Chris mistakenly asked Jeremy if he was there to promote his play and Piven fired back with 'What are you here to promote, Mango?' Chris tried to apologize."

Okay, okay. I take it back. This is a good bitch fight. It's also pretty fucking hilarious. It's like watching my chihuahua growl and snarl at his stuffed toy like he's really ferocious. It makes you go "awwww" in the heart. The same goes with Chris and Jeremy. If only they were wearing little elf costumes. Then it would really be cute. And I'm surprised this fight when on that long. It would be pretty easy to break it up. Someone over 5'7" just had to walk over pick them both up by the collars and then plop 'em back in the sandbox with their toys.

Here's Our Lady of Cheetos looking lovely in an outfit from "The American Gladiators Cocktail Dress Collection" at yesterday's Pedophiles' Dream Awards. While looking at these pictures of Brit, I got hongray for a giant turkey leg, but I also got a little concerned about her eyebrow situation. I just felt like it could be better and then it HIT ME like an angry Chris Brown. Bitch needs some weave brows!

A couple of months ago, I posted a very important video of some trick showing off her beautiful weave brows to the world, Well, it looks like the weave brow movement is finally taking off (not really) and they need Brit Brit to be the face of it! Brit can even get orange ones, so it looks like tiny Cheeto dingles are stuck to her face. Absolutely beautiful.

Below is video of the newest member of the weave brow movement. Homegirl (insert giant question mark here) knows the importance of eyebrows. They are so important to her that she even took a few dollars out of her "dick chopping fund" to pay for these weave brows!