Archives

Brit Brit is currently touring all through Europe and she took a little time to take her Cheetolings to see the Eiffel Tower in Paris. It's nice that Brit Brit dressed up for the occasion, but homegirl still looks like your crackhead cousin trying to clean up for a wedding. You know, the cousin who even has a bad case of the sweats in winter time. What I'm trying to say is that Brit Brit looks beautiful as usual.

Yish, Brit Brit is allergic to bras. We know this. Her Slim Jim nipples don't bother me anymore. I'm used to seeing them. I feel like we know each other. I could tell them my deepest secrets without fear. We're like family. Shit, I've seen Brit Brit's pokies more than I've seen my own nipples. And I think it's high time that her weave star in a remake of The Swamp Thing. The role it was born to play.

I bet Brit Brit has no idea that she's wearing a Star of David necklace. She probably just thinks it's "purdy shiny blue star."

Anyway, here's more of Brit Brit and her boys in Paris tonight. I also threw in some pictures of K-WellFed with his girlfriend and the boys earlier today.

In other news, the City of Paris just announced that they are completely out of baguettes....and fries....and pastries....

If I was Halle Berry, my wet parts would be stuck to Gabriel Aubry all day and all night. My b-hole would turn into a suction cup and it would not let go. I'd eat breakfast, lunch and dinner on his peen. And I'd take naps on his nalgas. Gabriel would also have to learn how to walk around with my crotch in his face and my legs on his shoulders. He can do it!

Hos would try to taser my ass to get me off, but I wouldn't move. They'd try to blast me with a flame thrower and I'd blow that shit out. You know that part in Titanic where Rose says to Jack, "I'll never let go"? It would be like that, except my ass would NEVER LET GO! Realness.

Here's my future conjoined twin, Halle Berry and Nahla at the pool in Miami today.

Yeah, in my Tylenol PM-induced dreams! But Bravo can be my fairy godgay (Yeah, Bravo is a total homo) if he casts Jocelyn Wildenstein, Rojo Caliente and CoCo as the newest beauties on The Real Housewives of New York City. Apparently, they are currently casting, because some of the original howives are being difficult about money and have yet to sign on for a third season.

E! says that Discountess De LameAss, Leatherbag Bensimon, Bethenny Frankel and that gay dude's constipated wife are all coming back for more fuckery. But Ramona and Jill both think they are the stars of the show, so they are holding out for more coin. A source claims that's the reason why Bravo announced that they are looking for more housewives. Basically, they are telling Ramona and Jill that both of their asses can be replaced!

While I agree that paying Jill more than a half-filled box of Red Vines is too much, Ramona is pretty much irreplaceable. If you want authentic raw craziness, you have to pay for it.

If the producers decide to dump Jill, they should know that Jocelyn will work for Wesson injections, Rojo Caliente will work for gift certificates to Big & Tall and CoCo will work for lip gloss (for her other lips).

Figure skater Nicole Bobek, a former U.S. Champion, was busted in New Jersey for her role in a major New Jersey meth ring! Hmmm... Nope, Tonya Harding still holds the crown as the biggest piece of hot trash who used to be a figure skater. But nice try, Nicole.

The New York Daily News reports that BoBo (I'm sure that was her dealer name) was arrested in Jupiter, FL last week and brought to New Jersey to faces charges for conspiracy to distribute methamphetamine. Nicole pleaded not guilty and is currently sitting in a cell on $200,000 bail.

The prosecutor handling the case said BoBo “played a significant role in this operation. She was actively involved in the upper echelon of this ring." If found guilty, Nicole could get up to 10 years in the chokey.

If Nicole goes to the clink, she should just tell the butchies that she once licked on Tonya Harding's pulled pork sandwich. That bit of information should keep the snatches off of her for a while. Or maybe that will turn them on even more....

The tagline for all reality shows: "I'm Not Here To Make Friends!" This is the 2009 version - FourFour

I think Hayden Panatroll's body double was my 35-year-old cousin Chepe in a blonde wig - Egotastic!

Mena Suvari may look like E.T.'s first girlfriend, but she's still hot - Hollywood Tuna

The cherry trees of DC will make a beautiful backdrop for my wedding to Mah Boo - Towleroad

Mimi's Farrah Fawcett flip at Michael Jackson's memorial - Just Jared

Zahara is going to be a star - Lainey Gossip

Blake Lively doesn't work out, she eats pork burritos, blah blah blah... Shut the fuck up! - Popsugar

I'm not sure what's the bigger mess here, Brit Brit's boots or her roach nest weave? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

My kind of nuns - Cityrag

Hayden Panatroll is not worthy of this slut dress - Hollywood Rag

The director of Trannyformers, Michael Bay, made Megan Fox audition at his house. This makes sense since his bed is probably more comfortable than a pull-out sofa in his office, but Michael didn't make Megan audition on a mattress. Instead, he made her wash his Ferrari while he filmed her. The Guardian (via Page Six) says that the video is floating around somewhere. Megan doesn't know where it is and when Michael was asked about it, he said, "Er, I don't know where it is either."

If you ever run into Michael Bay, ask to see his "Ferrari." I'll bet you the lips off my ass that he'll pull out his veiny, sun-spotty dick. If he doesn't, then that means she really washed his car! If that's the case, I'll call Megan's ass and say, "Hi, Megan Fox. This is Steven Spielberg. I'd like to cast you in the sequel to Schindler's List. If you want the role, please come and clean my apartment from top to bottom." You know she'll do it.

Here's Megan and her slutty mime make-up with Cate Blanchett at the Armani Prive show in Paris today.

After this picture was taken, a single drop fell from the sky and splashed on the lid of that chola beauty's McDonald's iced coffee (con leche). It was Michael Jackson shedding a tear from heaven, because he was so moved by these exquisite eyebrows. I'd like to think that Michael cared about eyebrows as much as I do. They're important!

(Thanks Yasmine)

.....that JHud is knocked up with Punk's babeh? Or maybe Usher has the power to impregnate with his hands? This would explain how Tameka Foster got pregnant.....twice!

Here's JHud and Usher backstage at Michael Jackson's memorial this afternoon.

Image: Getty

Webcam chat at Ustream

Michael Jackson's Memorial is expected to begin within a few minutes, so you might as well grab the Fritos, the Kleenex and stop working. If your boss gives you lip, just call 911 and they will immediately be arrested for trying to keep you from watching this important intergalactic event. Livestream above.

Could it be that a certain gay blade has shaved off one beard and grown another? It’s one thing to hang out with that friendly filly who has known her way around a queen or two. Now he’s clinging onto a more desperate dame who, if I’m not mistaken, never met a gay man she didn’t like. His undeniable charms have worked pretty well in the past - his breakthrough happened when he focused on a guy mentioned in this very column. That time, he landed a series. The only thing that could happen with this b* is he’d shrink half a foot and lose all his hair. (Billy Masters via Blind Gossip)

This sounds like Bradley Cooper, but I never got the feeling that his unicorn horn tingles for the peen. I guess the filly is Jennifer Aniston and the other one is Squinty Zellweger? Sarah Jessica Parker better step it up, because she has always been the official homo-lovin' horsey.

Damage control! Which hard-partying actor rushed back to his local AA chapter when he was caught drinking, but is actually still on the sauce? (Gatecrasher)

The Christmas tree attacker himself, Kiefer Sutherland?

This young star, who is swearing he is actually a very good and chaste young man, is actually anything but. We hear that he is sleeping with the wife of one of his handlers, and she is also a good deal older than him. Not Zac Efron. (Buzz Foto via Blind Gossip)

I'm mad at this blind item, because I instantly got an image of David Archuleta nibbling on a cougar with his baby teefs. Ugh.