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There's a new possum headquarters! Radar reports that Kate Gosselin is in the process of buying a condom (typo and its fits) in Rockville, MD. Apparently, Kate's rumored fuck time partner, her bodyguard Steve, also lives around those parts.

Kate and her possum friend will stay in Maryland whenever Jon is taking care of the child army in Pennsylvania. When Kate is in Pennsylvania, Jon will go back to NYC. Basically, they don't even want to be in the same state as each other. Jon's freshly grown huevos can appreciate that.

This should be a warning to Maryland! Kate's rabid possum will soon be running rampant through your parts! Put your men on lockdown, because it will be going directly for their nutsacks! It won't stop until it has gobbled up every last testi-sack! Just to be safe, you should take a page out of Tony Romo's asshole playbook and post this sign everywhere: "RED ALERT!!! MARYLAND HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO ITS LIST OF THINGS ALLOWED IN....KATE'S RABID POSSUM HAIR IS NOT ON THE LIST AND NOT APPROVED FOR ACCESS."

Aw. I shouldn't say that. Kate's possum hair just wants to be pet. You should give it a chance. However, if it starts growling at your ass, bust out of there!

Russell Brand and his lady friend trolled the streets of NYC today looking like they've just crawled out of HoHan's dirty laundry hamper. Check your pockets, Russell, and you might find a little treat for your nostrils!

At first, I was going to make some joke about how they must go shopping in the juniors department together, but these two aren't sharing clothes. Well, unless homegirl wears Russell's man leggings as a shrug and Russell wears her jeans as a loose-fitting tube dress.

And can we talk about Russell's crotch area for a quick minute? What in the elephantine mangled dick hell is going on there?! Russell, if you don't want your crotch to look like it was just ripped out of Parasite Hilton's vagina jaws of death, then immediately throw those pants into the garbage disposal.

This video of a 5-year-old boy with a Little Lord Fauntleroy haircut (aka The "Suri" Cut to alien creatures) playing Johnny Cash's "Folsom Street" Blues" is making my no-heart area whisper "awwww." It's even adorable when he sings, "I shot a man in Weeeeeeno just to watch him dieeeeee." It wasn't Weno. It was the sandbox. It wasn't a man. It was his SpongeBob SquarePants stuffed toy. And the gun was made by Nerf. If that makes you feel any better.

Usually, hearing kiddies singing make my ears itch (I'm looking at you, Kid Bopz), but I was able to watch this boy's entire performance without calling poison control! Kid is a musical genius.

VIA Buzzfeed

Remember that story from last year about that woman who refused to get off the toilet for months and her ass cheeks became one with the seat? Yeah, my nalgas still tremble when I think of that shit. Well, this story out of Australia is sort of like that, except this woman didn't want to be stuck with her toilet like that.

A 67-year-old woman in Brisbane was doing her poopy business when she fell and got her ass wedged between the toilet and a door. Homegirl didn't have one of those Life Alert things and she lives alone, so she was there for one full week. The woman was finally rescued when a neighbor heard her screeches for help and called the police.

The woman was taken to a nearby hospital, treated for dehydration and released. Now, I know you're thinking that she could've just flushed and lapped from bowl, but police say that wasn't possible. They said she "somehow became trapped with her feet stuck on either side of the toilet bowl and her body wedged against the inward-opening door." That sounds like some Cirque de Toilet shit!

You know ole' girl is never going into that bathroom again. Her soul demands that it's off-limits. She's going to be pissin' in the kitchen sink and going doody in a bucket in the backyard! If she's forced to go into that bathroom again, she's going to bring a tub of Crisco, a fully charged cell phone and some Crystal Light with her. Because if you have to drink toilet water, you should at least flavor it.

Source

Today in Clearwater, FL, a court room was filled with thirstay peroxide mops, turkey jerky skin and desperation, because the Hogans here there to make their divorce final. The fact that both Hulk and Linda both brought look-alike toys made the whole affair even sadder than Brooke's album signing in the sock section of Wal-Mart.

For over two years, these two water damaged leather sacks have been fighting like Gosselins. Linda wanted more cash to keep her looking like the fine diamond she is, but Hulk didn't want to give it up. OK! says that they finally came to an agreement, but the terms will not be released.

It apparently all ended amicably, because Linda and Hulk even kissed each on the cheek at the end. May the record show: BARF VOM FART.

Christian Bale still looks like he's been trying to keep up with Wino - Popsugar

Channing Tatum's blouse would look a lot better paired with a smart pencil skirt and some pumps - Just Jared

Jessica Biel is delusional - Lainey Gossip

BREAKING! A picture of Megan Fox not sticking her tongue out like there's a hard peen in front of her. I'm lying. - Hollywood Tuna

So you think you can pose shirtless with an iPhone? - Towleroad

Doesn't Victoria's Secret sell bras, because Miranda Kerr isn't wearing one - Egotastic!

Gretchen and Slade doing it Twit-And-Twat-style (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The only interesting thing about Ashley Jizzdale - Hollywood Rag

Cheeto tip slips galore - Cityrag

Worth a million words - SOW

Tara Reid makes it so easy - Socialite Life

Julia Roberts could possibly play Katie Price if she stuffed her chest with two garden domes and marinated in Alli grease for at least six months - Celebitchy

The only thing Ryan Reynolds wants ScarJo to smoke is his skin pipe. Sorrrry - ICYDK

Photoshop is Eva LongWHORIA's bestest friend - Popoholic

White Oprah doesn't have to snort that low grade shit anymore, because HoHan might have gotten a new job - Celebslam

I'm pretty sure Lauren Conrad's book already exists on screen. It's called THE HILLS - I'm Not Obsessed

Image: Fame Pictures

This is not one of my home movies, but I wish it was. This is a video of two gays in a slappity slap brawl that has been making the rounds for a couple of weeks. My ass only viewed this fuckery yesterday (Thanks, Hex!). There's already remixes, so you know what to play at the bar this weekend.

This shit is entirely in Spanish, but cat fighting is an international language! If you can only watch a few seconds of this, skip to the 1:40 mark. Bitch gets checked! It's the grand finale. Seriously, they both should have taken a bow at the end of this.

The Asuuuu Madreeee Gays and The Why Do You Ride Drunks from Ireland should take their acts on the road together.

This one goes out to Chelsea Handler! You know, I've never seen one episode of TLC's The Little Couple, but I just winked at my Tivo and it knows what to do. These two are more adorable than Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's nighttime giggle. Although, this picture would be more adorable if they were riding that chihuahua side-saddle while holding a pink basket filled with baby bunnies.

If you were in Coto De Caza, CA yesterday and wondered why there was a giant eclipse in the middle of the day, then you should know that it was just KFed passing through!

KFed was there for the Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic and Us Weekly says that everyone there cried "YOUARESOFUCKINFATTYFATFAT" when he showed up. One of the employees said, "Man, that's a belly on him! That's K-Fed?!?" Have these shocked people not been on the internet lately? KFed has looked like this for a while. Shit, I would look like that two if the most exercise I was required to do each week was to cash a check from Brit Brit. I'd spend my mornings at IHOP, my afternoons at In-N-Out and my evenings at Chili's. So I can't hate.

But maybe there's a deeper reason for KFed's massive gut over bagina? Maybe his powers of fertility are stronger than we thought. Maybe he actually grew ovaries (from eating too many Egg McMuffins) and got himself pregnant! It's possible. And Brit Brit will be getting the bill for KFed's new chirruns too. You better believe it.

And with all that being said, I'd STILL hit it. WELL, dude probably cums Bisquick and I like pancakes!

George Clooney has sent his last piece back to the cocktail waitress factory and is now getting finger banged (you know how he does) by Italian TV presenter Elisabetta Canalis. Radar says that George and Elisabeth have been on a few dates together in Rome while he's getting ready to shoot a movie there. Also, George mainly lives at his pad in Lake Como, Italy.

30-year-old Elisabetta currently hosts the Italian version of MTV's Total Request Live. But she's hosted other shit and even had a bit role in Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo! Take that, Sarah Larson!

I looked high and low to see if Elisabetta has any experience serving cocktails and came up with nothing!! Bitch better doctor her resume and start practicing balancing martinis on a tray! If Elisabetta wants to stick around as George's facial hair, she better learn the trade! George will put her to the test! If you spill even one drop, you're out!