My CAPS-LOCK KEY'S hero and my eyeballs enemy #1, Gayfish West, licked on his perfectly manicured nails for luck and got loose on his keyboard to address the rumors that he proclaimed himself as the brand spanking new King of POP! Kanye may have the crazies running all through him and he may have an ego the size of Tommy Girl's unpinched anal glands, but even his ass would never make a statement like that! Shame on all of us!
Kanye's got the sads, because he can't believe that the public at large would actually believe those words would come out of his mouth. We need to all take Kanye in ours arms, hand-feed him soft chocolate cookies and sing an apology lullaby to him. Srsly.
And Kanye isn't the new King of Pop, but he will always be the King of Everything!!!!!!!
In all seriousness, this was kind of eloquent for Kanye. I'm a little confused.
Jude to crowd: "Who wants to get knocked up next?!" - Popsugar
If you can't get enough of Elisabetta Canalis' nipple action, here's more! - Egotastic!
Dear Taylor Swift, does your purity ring approve of canoodling? - Hollywood Tuna
EW's cover of vampires needs more Viking Eric - Just Jared
Seth Rogen got shut down by Professor Whore Face - Lainey Gossip
Emile Hirsch's hippie nipple - Towleroad
The Fantastic Mr. Fox trailer....now with way too much Clooney voice! - Popoholic
Whore pit vipers (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Ciara proudly shows off her pixie ladyboy wig on Twitter - Cityrag
The Duggars are all set to terrorize and harass the letter M - ICYDK
Reason #123,456,974 on why Katherine Hagel is an annoying hag - I'm Not Obsessed
Peter Andre added a little more coins to his fake tanning fund - Celebitchy
Sarah Harding was drunk last night. In other news, so was I. THE SHOCK - Holy Moly!
Jennifer Aniston needs to put a Snuggie over those icicle nips - Hollywood Rag
Gayle must have accidentally left their bag of toys outside again - Popeater
Robert Redford thinks ScarJo and her momma are bitches - Socialite Life
Posting will be sporadic for the rest of the day, because my ass is moving apartments today. Moving is the grossest thing ever. Actually, I'm going to take that back and issue an apology to Paris Hilton's bikini waxer. Moving is the second grossest thing ever. And speaking of gross things, above is a video of a porn star snorting a condom through his nose! I'm so proud (and slightly disturbed...and slightly slightly turned on). Enjoy!
Grace Jones has hosted this space before, so she's back for an encore performance to show the likes of Lady CaCa how authentic weirdos do it. Grace brought her fuckery show to NYC last night and came out wearing alien queen outfit after alien queen outfit. This glittery EXTRAVAGANZAAAA shit is good for the soul! Feed me, Grace!
And as much as I love seeing Grace's back door to fuckery in all its glory hole glory (see thumbnail #1), my favorite outfit has to be her post-op Heat Miser ensemble (see thumbnail #4).
IknowIknowIknowIknowIknow..... This is the second RHOA post in a row. I will bring this issue up with my Skype therapist (aka whoever I meet on Craigslist' casual encouters) during one of our weekend sessions. So...
Entertainment Tonight says that there was another rumble in Atlanta which ended in Kim filing a police report against NeNe. How dreadful! The police report states that Kim and NeNe got into a brawl of words in front of the cameras and things got a little too hot. When witnesses tried to break up the argument, Kim says NeNe grabbed her by the neck "and tried to choke her out." And we toast to NeNe tonight!
Both witnesses (aka Kim's wig and tarantula lashes) backed up Kim's story to the police. The police told Kim to take pictures of the bruises. The police report added that they were "unable to locate the suspect at this time." Basically, that means they just didn't give a fuckity fuck fuck fuck. That's it.
If they really cared, they know how to get NeNe to come out. All you have to do is get on your knees and do The Dwight Crawl like your ass is burning and only the air can soothe it. We all know NeNe can't resist witnessing a good crawl.
I was finally able to exhale last night, because the pieces of hot trash from The Real Housewives of Atlanta came back into my life!!!!!! AND HOW. Those bitches are still lying face first in the dumpster and I loved every minute of it. Let's start with Sheree's semi-staged bitch battle with the TOP LEVEL EXECUTIVE (better than a businesswoman) at Party City or whatever the hell name of the company is that was helping her throw her My Super Sweet Divorce Party.
It all started when Sheree flipped her dick because TLE wasn't following through with any of her party requests (i.e. - a helicopter entrance, a rhinstone encrusted peen tucker, a low budget version of Maya Angelou). When the two took out their cunt swords, I immediately started taking notes! If I'm ever a TOP LEVEL EXECUTIVE (the first time I'll ever be a top anything) at a party planning store, I need to know what to say to a bitch who is not respecting my top. Normally, when a stupid ho is not respecting my top, I challenge the bottom bitch to a dance off. But I've learned from TLE that I need to drop the "fuck" word every five seconds, wave my hands like I'm trying to put out a Tommy Girl butt flame and end the meeting by dismissing the client with "YO MOMMA IS A BITCH." Works for me!
You know, I'm a little disappointed with Sheree. The woman is built like a Doberman Pinscher on internet-bought roids, so I was expecting her to pounce on TLE and bite his fancy hanky out (the key to all his cunt power)! Or at least call up her old friend DeShawn (Never Forget) and sic her lock jaw on TLE's mouth! CLAMP and done!
The best part of the whole cunt battle royale was when the office dude closed the door in the middle of the fight. Dude didn't even try to break it up by turning the hose on them or shooing them out of the building by screaming "DIGNITY IS HERE!" Nope. He just quietly closed the door. I bet this happens often. I bet his official job title is: Bottom Level Door Closer.
And because any RHOA post isn't complete without a sprinkling of coagulated wig glue, let's move on to Kim Zolciak. Kim had a little visit with her usual fortune teller who told her that she's going to give birth to a baby boy very soon. Hey, everyone! You know that party for Sheree's divorce? Let's turn it into a Earth Divorcing Humanity Party, because if another baby passes through Kim's merkin curtain, it's time to call it a day!
Now I leave with you with this clip of Kim bouncing through a beauty school to do research for her new wig line for white women (Since when is Raquel Welch chop livah?!) Kim claims she's never seen a curling iron like that before, but I'm sure that curling iron has never seen an actual living breathing creature that looks like Kim Zolciak. So they're even!
Okay, I think I like George Clooney's tramp of the minute, Elisabetta Canalis. The Sun found this still from a movie called Virgin Territory (which also stars crazy sadling Mischa Barton) of Elisabetta as a flashing nun. Holy nipple! Mel Gibson just wet his panties, ran up to the counter and took a number.
Yesterday, People Magazine did a little piece of Georgie's taint tapper and tried to make her sound like she's a really classy diamond who always keeps her pinky up when she licks peen. One friend of Elisabetta's said, "Elisabetta is a beautiful girl full of life who embodies the Mediterranean woman: dark hair and a full figure. Elisabetta is a go-getter who is not afraid of expressing her opinion. In a few years she has built a successful TV career thanks to her determination and hard work." And nipples. He forgot to thank her nipples. They are sad about that.
The two have only been dating for a week, but have already been seen all around Lake Como where Georgie has a house. Basically, this means Elisabetta's expiration date is coming up. The only advice I have for her is (you know what's coming) to put on a Brad Pitt mask, tape her boobies down and Samantha Burke George's ass! Don't be the next Sarah Larson. Do better!
And in case you want to peep at Elisabetta's nipple for Jesus, it's after the jump. In the words of Cassie: "Don't act like you've never seen a titty before!" JUMP!
Trent Reznor says he was forced to cancel his life on MySpace and Twitter, because a bunch of hating haters dropped hate bombs about his fiancee
Bai Ling Mariqueen Maandig. Instead of doing like I do and writing them a simple response like "SHUT YOUR CUNT WHORE MOUTHS," Trent has put his Twittering days behind him.
Trent cry cry cried, "Yes, I deleted my account and I'll explain why since somehow someone apparently thinks this is newsworthy. Twitter seemed like an interesting way to quickly reach a large number of people, and people that seem to exist outside of the nin.com world of fans. Then... around the time news broke of my engagement, a faction of troublemakers showed up whose sole intent was to disrupt, harass, insult and incite…In a reasonably moderated community, these people can be made to vanish - on Twitter, it's a free-for-all - hence they flock there. It depresses me to think my art and life's work can attract this kind of scum…if that was your intention you trolling, cowardly pigs - you've succeeded."
He's so sessy when he's whining for a Waaaaaaaahmbulance.
Oh, Trent, cry me a river, take off all your panties and let's go skinny dipping!
The Silver Fox filled in for Reeeeeeeg on Regis & Kelly yesterday morning and got to interview that limp asparagus tip and her fuck body of the moment from The Bachelorette. On Mah Boo 360 last night, Coopy talked about how he asked the only question any of us care about: How many dudes did she get her sex on with? The limp asparagus tip said she kissed 10, but only 4 with tongue. Ehehehehehe. This made Mah Boo almost vom in his purdy mouth. Adorable!
But don't slap me with a flaccid peen like that, Andy! You know very well that on any given week, you kiss on at least 10 lips WITH tongue! And that doesn't include the lips on faces either. OW! But really, my nipples go weak whenever Mah Boo plays hard to git!