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Even though Candy Spelling basically said Tori is the reason why Aaron died, she was still invited to her granddaughter's birfday party this past Saturday. Tori has said that Candy has never met 1-year-old Stella, so this would've been the first time.

A source (aka Mimi La Rue whispering from heaven) told UsWeekly that Candy's slaves RSVPed yes to Stella's party. Her slaves called a few days before the party to ask if the cameras for Tori's shit show would be there. Tori told them that Candy would be not be filmed, because the camera lens could not handle both of their faces in the same frame. No, she didn't say that, but the producers were probably thinking that.

Despite Tori telling her mother that she would not be on camera if she didn't want to be, Candy still didn't show up. Candy sent an e-mail an hour before the party stating that her ass wasn't coming, but Tori didn't get it until later. A source close to Candy says that she decided not to go, because she wanted to keep their meeting private and didn't want cameras around. A source close to Tori told People, "She was told in advance she wouldn't be filmed if she didn't wish to be. Tori took a step to reach out. Tori is not preventing her mom from seeing her kids. People think she's preventing her mother from seeing the kids, but she does invite her."

Does Candy turn into a dragon when she really gets mad? Does she have two pet eels who do her dirty work for her, because bitch just might be a Disney villain. How are you going to RVSP to your granddaughter's party and then not show up?! Besides, there was cake there! And I'm assuming there was booze (I mean, you NEED life's nectar at a kid's party). Who turns down free cake and booze? Tori makes my eyes bleed and I'd still go to that party for free cake. I'd put Band-Aids over my eyes and deal with it just for some delicious frosting.

Unless Jessica Lange is starring in an Oxygen movie based on the life of Jocelyn Wildenstein, she has no business wearing that face. Jessica insists that she's never had any kind of work, but come on. Humans don't ripen like that. You don't wake up one day with a face like Heathcliff's girlfriend. Jessica needs to gaze at Jane Fonda some more. That's what her face should look like! If Jessica effs with her face anymore she's really going to look like a creature who meows when they're hungry. Then Apple is going to name their next operating system after her face.

Here's Jessica and Jane at the Tony Awards last night. I also threw in some pictures of Liza and Dolly, because it was the right thing to do. And that plastic surgery comment doesn't apply to Dolly. She's a completely organic beauty. The Tennessee mountain air keeps her looking as fresh as baby's breath.

The Humane Society near the Gosselin house in Pennsylvania has received a dozen complaints from hos after Jon's dumb dumb ass said this shit to People about the family dogs: "Those kids beat them up, climb on them, pull their tails, bite at them, drag them around and everything you can imagine not to do to an animal, they've done."

After the Human Society contacted the Gosselins and Kate yelled at Jon for being so stupido in the brains, he issued this statement: "I'd like to set the record straight. I'm stupid in the brains." No, that's what Kate wanted him to say. He really said: "We understand the responsibilities of being good dog owners. Whenever my kids are with Shoka and Nala, everyone is carefully supervised to ensure that no one – dog or child – is injured. Shoka and Nala are loyal companions who we consider members of our family. We would never do anything to hurt them, and treat them with the respect and love that they deserve."

The Humane Society said they didn't visit the Gosselin house, because there is "no credible reason to believe in any way that there is cruelty going on."

What they really meant to say is that they just don't have the time to look into the complaints right now. All of their staff members are busy investigating the possible abuse of the maimed possum on top of Kate's head. That tortured creature on her head has definitely been dragged, stabbed, bleached, electrocuted, burned, bit and beat.

Here's pictures of the beast on Kate's head pleading for help as she runs errands near her house today.

Have your eyeballs been feeling a little out of shape and flabby? Do they have love handles? Do their tummies jiggle when they walk? Well, you're in luck, because here's a little article that will get them rolling. Feminist Naomi Wolf wrote a piece for Harper's Bazaar about how Saint Angelina Jolie is the greatest thing since self-lubricating dildos. Slip on your sweat band, it's time for eyeball calisthenics again!

The piece is titled: "Why Women Want Angelina Jolie's Life"

Angie is the most gorgeous woman on the planet: "Bosomy and wasp-waisted, with that curtain of hair and those crazy pillowy lips, she is an obvious male sex fantasy...Polls also show that if women — not just lesbian and bisexual women but straight women — had to choose a female lover, they would want to sleep with Angelina Jolie. In other words, women both identify with her and desire her."

Angie is more than just a gorgeous face: "There’s something more than a simply physical response. Her persona hits an unprecedented level of global resonance — and makes women want to be with her and be her at the same time — because she has created a life narrative that is not just personal. Rather, it is archetypal. And the archetype is one that really, for the first time in modern culture, brings together almost every aspect of female empowerment and liberation."

Angie can get away with being sexy and a symbol of goodness: "The magic of Jolie’s self-presentation? She makes the claim, with her life and actions, that, indeed, you can get away with it. All of it . Against every Western convention, she has managed to draw together all of these kinds of female liberation and empowerment. And her gestures determinedly transgress social boundaries — boundaries of convention, race, class, and gender — giving many of us a vicarious thrill. When the megascandal took place — Jolie’s alleged seduction of a married man, Brad Pitt, on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith — it could have been the end of Jolie as a role model. But she managed the almost unheard-of task of turning the home-wrecker label into a wholesome, family-friendly triumph."

Angie knows how to fly a plane: "Women are so used to being dependent on others (certainly on men) for where they go, metaphorically, and how they get there. Flying a private plane is the classic metaphor for choosing your own direction; usually, that is a guy thing to do, yet there was Jolie, with her aviator glasses on, taking flying lessons so she could blow the mind of her four-year-old son."

Angie is a lover: "Equally ostentatiously in her role as lover, she took for her own pleasure the male seen as the most desired of the tribe, Brad Pitt, who is always ranked at the top of indexes of male beauty and virility. As for the constraints of social convention — ahem, he was still married? You can have a variety of feelings about this, but Jolie’s evident disdain of that social constraint certainly, for better or worse, put her in the same self-entitled category as those men who have traditionally taken what they wanted and let the emotional chips fall where they may."

Final barfness: "So she becomes what psychoanalysts call an 'ego ideal' for women — a kind of dream figure that allows women to access, through fantasies of their own, possibilities for their own heightened empowerment and liberation."

You can read the entire article (yes, there's more) at Harper's Bazaar. I'm going to warn you that your eyeballs may fall off and roll away. Seriously, it felt like I was reading someone's diary. I bet Naomi sleeps next to a jar full of Angie's hair which she got on eBay. But I feel the same way about Shauna Sand. Just substitute the name "Angelina Jolie" for "Shauna Sand" and this entire essay would make sense.

And just for the record, as a strictly dickly bitch, I can say that Angelina Jolie is not the chick I'd go lesbian for. Her vagina would probably cast a spell on more or take a chunk out of my taint. No gracias.

VIA People

Which aging actress has stayed away from the spotlight of late because she tried to inject her own lips with vegetable oil during a drunken night? (Blind Gossip)

Not Lisa Rinna, because she's been humping the spotlight lately. Herm. Maybe Meg Ryan? Melanie Griffith? Or Lara Flynn Boyle?

Which sexy leading man, known for his wandering eye, recently hooked up with a pouty songstress? The raven-haired rocker is a big change from his usual choice of supermodels. (Page Six)

I am probably so wrong in every way, but I immediately thought of Leonardo DiCaprio and Karen O from Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Which actor is on hiatus due to a drug relapse? He claimed he needed time off because of the heartbreak of his public split, but he's actually headed to rehab. (Page Six)

Sean Penn?

Which switch-hitting superstar ran into a bit of trouble recently when he tried out a Mrs. Doubtfire-style balancing act with a brother and sister team? One of the siblings caught wind of the situation and told the other and they both walked. (NW Magazine via Blind Gossip)

Brain hurts from this one. This bitch was cross dressing? Tommy Girl? He does have a history of playing dress up. My other guesses are Hugh Jackman or Will Smith?

This intense B list movie and sometime television actor takes parenting very seriously. He knows the reputation of bars and clubs in Hollywood to serve underage celebrities. So, to make sure his B list actress daughter doesn't drink he calls ahead to wherever she is going and makes sure they know they will be in for a world of hurt if they serve her booze. (CDAN)

Bruce Willis and Tater Head? Or Eric and Emma Roberts?

Birthday: 1963ish
Age: 46ish
Birth Name: Danielle Staub, Beverly Merrill, Danielle Merrill, Steven Tyler, who knows?

Original Date of HS of the Day: June 3, 2009
Claim to Fame: The breakout star (sorry to Teresa's creeping hairline) of The Real Mobwives and Ex-Cokewhores of New Jersey.

Where is she now? Probably giving her daily blowjob to her 26-year-old boyfriend who has the head of a 50-year-old. Now that's some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S shit.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because everyone (men, women, children, animals) can relate to Danielle. We've all been accused of being coke whores at one time or another. Also, Danielle continues to be an elegant woman of mystery. Think of all the things that her exquisite eyebrows have seen and experienced. The secrets they hold!

Stephen Colbert got his head shaved in Iraq. But does the carpet now match the drapes? - Towleroad

Nip/Tuck's Kimber in a 'kini - Egotastic!

Has Debbie Gibson been scavenging through Brit Brit's closet? - Hollywood Tuna

Brit Brit is like a walking retirement community for fugly boots - Popsugar

Kate Gosselin gets gas. That's it. - Just Jared

Sophie Monk and her huge-mongous chichis ride a toy donkey (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Nicole Kidman stands up the Tony Awards. Homophobe! - Lainey Gossip

Liam Gallagher likes a little water with his cheese - Hollywood Rag

Baby Jesus for Dolce & Gabbana - Made in Brazil

Name the NYC location - Cityrag

Don't go anywhere near Mimi right now or she might eat you whole - ICYDK

RiRi Woodpecker supports the Lakers - Socialite Life

Marie Osmond to Demi Moore: Step off my corner, ho! - I'm Not Obsessed

Emilie de Raven's marriage has been swallowed by the smoke monster - SOW

ScarJo looking like she's passing lil' farts in French Elle - Popoholic

Doesn't Wonky usually keep her dogs in the closet? This pool house is probably for her pet crabs - Celebitchy

The oldest trick in the whore book! At today's premiere of Trannyformers in Tokyo, Megan Fox pulled the good old "Oh, let me peek at Shia while I accidentally rub my nalgas all over Josh Duhamel's crotch area." Well, played. If only she would've reached a little higher. So close to being a bullseye. This is the Megan Fox that I like. The Megan that takes every available opportunity to get a little more dick in her life. Because when life hands you Duhamel wang, you have to grab it with your ass cheeks.

Here's Megan wearing a prom dress fit for the sluttiest girl in high school at the premiere today along with Mr. Fuggie Fug, Shia LaDouche, Tyrese, Michael Bay, Ramon Rodriguez and Isabel Lucas. Why does Shia have his hands behind his back in almost every picture? Gambled and lost?

Ryan Gaycrest was on Conan last week and brought this precious picture of him as a child. Yes, Gaycrest used to be a middle-aged fat lesbian. Please tell Joel McHale has already tattooed this picture on his ass. I'm about to do just that, because this is too beautiful for words. Why do celebwhores look so much more interesting as kids. Now that is a dude I would share a box (or twenty) of Ring Dings with.

This picture also makes me want to break into my elementary school and burn every yearbook and piece of microfiche containing my picture. You should do the same.

VIA ONTD

HoHan is over in London, stalking SamRo, snorting up the country's supply of the bad shit and melting down in clubs. Yeah, HoHan is one of those friends who has an emotional breakdown in the middle of a club while you're trying to get your drunk on. Buzz. Kill.

Dean Piper of the Mirror says he witnessed HoHan curl up like a ball on the floor of London's Club Cuckoo. How fitting.

According to Dean, HoHan sat at the table next to him with a vodka drink in hand while mumbling shit like, “I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged.” It's called a K-hole, honey. Shake it off.

Somebody else who was there added, “She just wouldn’t stop saying she felt caged. She was just not all there and it really was like watching a broken girl in the middle of a complete breakdown. She spent much of the night furiously texting Sam Ronson – and wasn’t best pleased about the texts she was getting. Everyone with her was actually very concerned about her. She seemed like a girl on the brink of self- destruction.”

Seemed like a girl on the brink?! How about a girl who is riding first-class on the speed train to self-destruction. White Oprah's got a little conductor hat on and shouting "CHOO CHOO!"

I know we've all screamed about this a million times, but is it really so hard for White Oprah and Michael Lohan to pull their heads out of their own cunts and sort their daughter out. During Christmas one (every) year, I got drunk like a Wino and was acting the fool in the worst kind of way. My mother immediately grabbed my drink, poured it down the sink and told me to go sit in the bath tub until further notice. Why can't White Oprah do that? Send HoHan to the tub!

And here's our little caged bird leaving a business meeting with Emanuel Ungaro in London last night. The leggings and spray tan entrepreneur is expected to be named "creative consultant" of Ungaro.....