Tiny person Christina Ricci and enormous person Owen Benjamin are no longer getting married. Shits. That means no adorable picture of him picking her up by the arms to kiss her after they are pronounced giant and gnome.
Once source tells People that they broke off their engagement this past weekend, "Owen had a birthday party this past Sunday, and everything seemed fine. Sometime after, they got into a fight and decided to reevaluate things. [Then] the engagement was off." Another source said that their big little romance was over before then, "They talk almost every day. It was a very mature decision and they both felt good about it. They're definitely still friends."
Hum. I wonder what went wrong? I'm guessing Christina was sick of Owen poking out her organs whenever they did sexy times. She probably already lost one kidney when he hit it from the back and wasn't happy when he popped a hole in her stomach while she rode him.
Seriously, it would totally kill the love if your man was effing up your insides (and not in a good way). It just wasn't worth it. Now Christina is free to skip off and find a dude who doesn't almost suffocate her ass to death when they cuddle. I wonder if Verne Troyer is still single?
When the unofficial version of The Lord of CAPS' "Paranoid" leaked last week, his tittays got all sweaty, because he was upset that the world was not seeing the real version of his masterpiece. Well, here it is now. Just the way God (Kanye) intended!
It's actually the same except for some floating words and Kanye West as a werewolf who is thirsty for tenheads. Speaking of, RiRi tries to bring out the raw emotion in this and comes out dry. Just the other night I was telling my friend that I would kick my own crotch bone to see Alien Princess RiRi in a one-woman remake of Purple Rain as The Kid, Morris and Apollonia. After watching her try to act in this, I am 100% sure that Purple Rain should be her next project! RiRi has the shitty acting skills needed to recreate the magic!
VIA Kanye's Blog
The Governor of New Hampshire signed a bill tonight making it legal for same-sex couples to handcuff themselves to each other. Just like everyone else! New Hampshire is now the 6th state in the country that allows gays and gayelles to get married!!! And on Anderson Cooper's birthday nonetheless! I just thought I'd add that since every time a state legalizes gay marriage, I automatically think of Mah Boo whisking me off to that state to make an honest homo out of me. We'll have a Lolita-themed wedding in New Hampshire. Those heart-shaped sunglasses will look extra precious on him.
And now my eyes are on you, New York. Once you snap your fingers and make it happen, the most beautiful wedding the world has ever seen can finally take place. I've already got my flower girl outfit ready. It's made out of flannel, Bugle Boy khakis, faux red fern leaves and ginger weave hair.
Source: The New York Times
The Tush and The Bush are engaged to be married! That's what a rep for Kim Kardassian told Star Magazine. No word on when the wedding is. No word on when the baby is due either. SHUT UP! I know. That's the first thing I thought when I read that shit. Then I thought about how that fetus is going to be one lucky mofo. Obviously, Kim's womb will be his main home, but if he wants he can buy a timeshare in her ass. That way he has like a weekend place to chill out at. That fetus will be a jet setter before it's even born! From womb to ass to womb to life!
And Kim doesn't even have to worry about one of those ring bearing brats effing her wedding! She can carry the ring pillow on her ass! It's better that way. I've been to so many wedding where the ring bearer drops the ring. Everybody laughs, but you know the bride is thinking, "This little bitch is ruining my day." This won't happen to Kim, because she could balance a ping pong ball on her ass. And I'm sure she has in Tijuana.
Also, when Kim walks down the aisle, this will be the first time in history where the caboose actually leads the train.
UPDATE: Bitch ain't engaged. She wrote this on her blog, “I am not engaged!!! My new publicist was talking with Star Magazine earlier today and accidentally referred to Reggie as my fiance so they posted the news on their website! There have been so many rumors flying around recently about Reggie and I being engaged that she assumed we were! So, sorry Star Magazine for ruining your exclusive! It's totally my publicist's fault haha.”
Burnt pussay! But at least she wore a helmet - Cityrag
More pictures of Professor Whoreface in GQ Britain - Egotastic!
Fug in Uggs - Hollywood Tuna
If it was the DVD, then they really would have had to call in the bomb squad - Towleroad
After this picture was taken, Kelly Clarkson ate the camera - Just Jared
To caca or not to caca: Another fucking Hamlet movie - Lainey Gossip
I'm sure David Duchovny gets all the vagina with those sexy socks - Popsugar
Please stand and clap with your ass cheeks for the newest member of The Glittery Gays of YouTube Club: Joe Jonas! Joe stuffed his purity balls and nut busting thighs of wonder into a leotard to stumble through Sasha Fierce's "Single Ladies." Yes, that meme was sent down to the basement with Solange a long time ago, but it's still mildly entertaining to watch Joe try not to be too queeny while wearing high heels. But I'm not sure if it works, because this is still making my no-no lick its lips. Yes, it has tongue, Yes, I have seen a specialist about this. Yes, it's doing that because of Joe Jonas'.....THIGHS. THIGHS. THIGHS. Thighs that could break your rib cage with one squeeze. Swoo-oon.
And you know Joe is totally holding back. Bitch knows the dance! He's just pretending like he doesn't. Come on, drop it like I know you can.
My eyes were hoping to read that "Rhynstone Sara Lee Hounsou" is the name of Kimodo Dragon's baby, but she has disappointed me. Kimora and Djimon actually gave their baby a cute name (or maybe I've had too much Sanka this afternoon). Page Six says their 4-day-old son has been named Kenzo Lee Hounsou.
They named him after fashion designer Kenzo Takada. Kenzo is Kimodo's third kid. She has two daughters with Russell Simmons, Ming Lee and Aoki Lee.
Kenzo, Ming and Aoki? Get out the spandex, alert Hello Kitty and roll out the synthesizer, because they will soon be the world's newest J-Pop sensation.
While you are waiting in line to buy Strawberry Hill and rubbers at the grocery store this week, you might notice that the art wall near the checkout stand will be completely covered with Jon & Kate. That will be your cue to put a condom over your eyes and down that entire bottle right then and there.
Jon & Kate's never-ending train of fuckery is not slowing down. They have made 5 covers this week. Kate's rogue belly button made 4. It's also the fourth (or hundredth) time they are on UsWeekly. Here's what each weekly has to say for themselves:
InTouch: JON & KATE ARE OVER. Todd Cruz, the second cousin of a drug dealer of the brother of a bartender who sometimes serves Jon drinks (just pretend that made sense), said, “They’re married, but it’s for the show. He explained it to us at the bar. He said he was completely miserable and the marriage was pretty much done.”
UsWeekly: KATE IS A MEANIE BIRD. While on vacation in North Carolina, Kate bitched out her kids and hardly spent any time with them when the weren't cameras on her. A witness said, "When Kate sat on the edge of the pool, she told one of [the twins], 'If you splash me, you're dead meat. She was not joking at all." Another ho said, "Everyone that's encountered her says she's been rude, mean and hateful."
Star: KATE FUCKS GUYS WITH CORVETTES. Kate's ex-fiance, Adam Miller, said he felt pressured to marry her, but broke that shit off when she cheated on him with a guy who owned a Corvette. Adam said, “She was always chasing the money.” And he also said something very interesting, “We’d eat mostly hamburgers, fries, Cheetos. A typical night out was at Ruby Tuesday’s!” That should've been Star's cover right there: KATE EATS CHEETOS.
People: JON QUOTES A DONNA SUMMER/BARBARA STREISAND DUET. Jon says he's sick of all the tabloids ruining his life and says he is not whoring out his kids, "Exploited? I don't even want to use that word, because I think it's ridiculous." Jon is ready to quit the show if his children aren't happy.
And the cover of every tabloid next week will be...... IS KATE REGULAR? Spoiler Alert: Kate is permanently constipated.
(Images VIA Cover Awards)
Jan Kraus must have been so hypnotized by the clapping from the audience at the Miss 2009 competition, because he didn't notice the giant gaping hole the size of Wonky McValtrex's vagina.
I love how the two hot bitches on the swings don't even care that Jan might be dead or bleeding to death in the hole! They were assigned an important job and that is to entertain the crowd with their impressive swinging skills. They will not be distracted!
VIA Fail Blog
Hmmmm...At least that's what The National Enquirer is saying, but it's not raining outside. If this was true, God, the angels and the saints above would not stop weeping ever. They would flood the planet with their tears and we'd be forced to live in underwater cities. Actually, that sounds kind of hot. But I digress.
The Enquirer is saying that it's totally and completely over between St. Angie Jo and BENJAMIN BUTTON'S. Some source said that Brad is spending his time in California while Angie finishes that movie about white grains in New York. When she finishes filming, she's going to take her child army to France. A source called it an "OFFICIAL" split. They went on to yap, "Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he'll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split."
The source said that the straw that broke the Angie's back --- Wait, a piece of straw could totally break her back, right? Like literally. Okay, back to the source. They said that Brangie's last moment together at the Cannes Film Festival was completely staged. They acted all lovely for the cameras, but they were both "over it" on the inside. That's when Angie gave Brad his nuts back and send him on his way.
The National Enquirer has been right before, but if this shit was true, they would devote an entire issue to this. Shit, they would change their name to BRANGIE IS DEAD Enquirer.
In other news, a crazed woman wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses and a t-shirt with the words "You Are So Uncool" written on the front was seen buying every copy of The Enquirer and muttering to herself "Take that, Maddox. Take that, Maddox...."