Brit Brit truly looked more beautiful than ever as she visited one of her churches in West Hollywood yesterday. I mean, the hair that looks like it escaped from the back of a Department of Sanitation truck and the "day-shift stripper after getting a manicure" flip-flops....etc... This almost looks like the olden days, except with less crazy. And she has a brarawn (copyright: Jill Zarin). Cheesus! It's a miracle!
Brit was escorted to St. Starbucks by her agent/clitty tickler Jason Trawick. Is it just me (and my bong) or does Brit's Cheeto thumper kind of look like Sam from True Blood? If you squint your eyes and shake like a MaryAnn quake, he kind of does. Right?
This is serious. The inmates at Cebu Prison in the Philippines became world famous after their awesome version of "Thriller" hit the internet a couple of years ago. After they heard about the death of Michael Jackson on Thursday, they immediately stopped doing each other in the shower room and started rehearsing for a tribute dance to him.
They practiced late into the night on Friday just so they could debut it today. Their asses even have costumes and props! This is big budget! This makes me wants to dress as a nun and join in.
One of the inmates told The Associated Press that Michael Jackson "inspired us, so we are all sad about his death."
Last year, former pussy panderer Heidi Fleiss was living in a trailer with a bunch of parrots. It looks like Madame Heidi's luck is turning around! Heidi has finally wrapped her salty slug lips on the right wang! Heidi has announced that she will make it legal with fellow whore dealer Dennis Hof, owner of Nevada's Moonlite Bunny Ranch. Double the pimp! Together, there's not a chocha they won't be able to sell.
Heidi said, "I'm proud to say that I'm clean and sober, and I'm finally ready to make a commitment to one man - and that's Dennis. It's going to be my first and only wedding, so it's going to be fabulous." After she said that, her face fell off, because saying that many words at one time was too much pressure. It's all good though. They used some Gorilla Glue to paste her face back on. She'll be ready her fabulous wedding. And fabulous is right!
Heidi calls it a "wedding," but let's call it what it's really going to be: a straight-up orgy. Instead of the wedding officiant (who I'm hoping will be Airforce Amy) announcing "You may now kiss the bridge," she's going to announce "You may now kiss the bride's vagina." Instead of throwing rice, the groomsmen and bridesmaids will form a circle jerk around the newlyweds and shoot loads all over them. Heidi's something blue will be something she blew. This is going to be a wedding for the whore ages!
And here we fucking go! Spit shine my shank, lube up my face, remove all my joo-ree (leave the rings) and get read to play Nivea's "Don't Mess With My Man" (yes, I brought Nivea into this) on the boombox, because shit is about to get serious. I mean, can you believe this?! We all know Andy Coop cheats on me, but does he need to flaunt his whores like this?! He even knows he's doing wrong. Look at that nervous "I hope that crazy bitch isn't around the corner" side-eye.
It also looks like Mah Boo's peen puckers for Fred Perry. I'm ready to get Fred Perry's logo tattooed on one of my b-lips (right under my "I honk for Prince Hot Ginge" tattoo) if that will make him happy.
You better notify the Clinica Mobile to fully stock their fridge with Tangerine Jello, because it looks like I might be paying a visit. I'll give it my best, but Mah Boo's trick could probably break my nose just by flexing his bicep. Also, tell them to keep a straitjacket handy, because I'm starting to scare myself. I'm even jealous of Mah Boo's bike. WHY DO YOU RIDE THAT BIKE, MAH BOO? WHY DO YOU RIDE?!!
The gossip around these parts is that Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper went out on a couple (or more) dates together. The tabloids hailed them as the second coming of Jen & Brad. Well, if they were touching nipples in the morning, it doesn't sound like they are anymore.
At the Louis Vuitton show in Paris yesterday, Brad talked a little bit about the noise going around that he's boning Jenny. And he did it in FRENCH. Swoo-ooon. My no-no just queefed in a French accent.
Brad said, "She's a friend of mine. Simply, simply, just a friend. In America, its not like it is here. She's someone who is super, super known. Famous. If someone says 'hello' to her, it's given that he's fallen in love with her. So, no. No. She's a very, very interesting woman, but she's simply a friend."
A "very interesting woman"? That's like when a one-night-fuck says to you afterwards, "That was fun." That's my cue to stroll to his bathroom, wipe my freshly sexed-up ass on his good towel, grab my clothes and proceed to do the walk of shame knowing that I messed up as a true slut. He's basically saying, "Your fuck game is weak!"
"A very interesting woman" either means: a) He got weirded out when Jenny told him they couldn't have sex until the following week because that's when her cycle started. b) She showed up to their second date in her dream wedding dress. c) The head was whack.
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