39-year-old Rachel Hunter, star of The Real Gilligan's Island, Dancing with the Has-Beens, Style Me, Celebrity Paranormal Project, Make Me A Supermodel, Celebrity Circus and any other reality show you can think of, has been straight-up dumped by her fiance just a couple of months before they were supposed to get married.
Bitch, I hope the caterers refund your deposit. Everything I know about weddings I learned from Bridezilla.
The Daily Mail says that Rachel's 27-year-old fiance, L.A. Kings hockey player Jarret Stoll, e-mailed every guest telling them that the August 14th wedding wasn't going to happen. Jarret didn't give Rachel a reason for why he wanted to quit her ass. Rachel apparently has the sads in a bad way. A friend said, "She has absolutely no idea why Jarret has done this. It sounds like it could be a classic case of cold feet. He is a fair bit younger than her."
I hope Rachel's not hibernating in her bedroom devouring a giant tub of Breyers while listening to "This Old Heart of Mine" on repeat (that would be ironic).
Rachel should dry her tears, pick up her vagina, spray some perfume on it and fuck every one of Jarret's friends. Don't stop there. Fuck his father, his uncles, his cousins, his second cousins, his brothers, his gardener, his dry cleaner, etc... etc... Fuck him over by fucking everyone in his life! When he's sitting at Christmas dinner with his entire family, he'll look into each of their faces and die a little inside when he realizes that your pussay has been on every single one of them. Git it, Rachel!
Today in New Jersey, a judge blocked the release of a sex tape starring The Real Housewive of New Jersey's resident ex-coke whoring kidnapper. That's right. You'll have to get your nut off elsewheres, because you won't be seeing Danielle's grinch snatch or leather titty balls....for now.
Danielle's 27-year-old ex-boyfriend Stephen Zalewski (the one with the body and head of an elderly retired Secret Service agent) told Star Magazine a week ago that he was trying to sell the tape. Danielle told the court that the video was shot on a cell phone and she had no idea he was doing it. Suuure, Danielle. When Stephen was pointing his cell phone at your vagina, I'm sure you thought he was texting his mother to request fried chitterlings for dinner. Yeah.
Danielle gave a very moving speech outside of the court room today after her temporary victory (there's another hearing next month). Danielle said, "I think not just for my children, but for everyone's children that know me, and all women who are looking up to me... um.... My private moments should remain just that: private."
Women who look up to her?! Show me a human being with a real uterus who looks up to Danielle! The only bitch that looks up to Danielle is me! That's because when I was a little gay I told my kindergarten class that when I grow up I want to be a coke whoring stripper call girl with ties to the Colombian Cartel.
Clip of Danielle's beautiful speech below:
Who cares if Johnny Depp has enough jelly in his hair to keep KY in business for years! Who cares if his teefs look like the star of a Parkay commercial! Who cares! Just rub your fuck parts on his hair and 21 Jump Street his ass! I have no fucking clue what "21 Jump Street his ass" actually means, but it sounded hot in my brains. Go with it.
Here's Johnny yearning for a little love from Dawn at the premiere of Public Enemies in Los Angeles yesterday.
As many of you hos already know, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina held a press conference today where he admitted that he lied to his staff and wife after he disappeared for 5 days. Gov. Marky said he was hiking along the Appalachian Trail for 5 days, when in fact he was hiking all over his Argentinean mistress' coochie in Buenos Aires!!! Yeah, yeah, same old story. All politicians are sluts. There's plenty of willing peen in politics! Wait.... Maybe I'm in the wrong field...
Anyway, Gov. Marky laid it on thick today. Dude went on and on and on and on and on....and on. At one point, he pulled out that raw emotion and went for the gold! Unfortunately for Marky, his thunder was snatched by the bitches in the background! Look at the hos on the left! Those bitches are smiling like they are posing for their 4th grade class pictures! You can see the sunshine beaming out of their mouths! I was waiting for them to break into a hurricane of LOLs. The chick in the front is probably giving us a frozen smile, because if she doesn't, she would seriously laugh until she queefed her insides out. While he's breaking down, she's having a happy party on the inside! Bitch is hot.
Just for the record, I'd take a Chinatown bus all the way to Argentina and let him hit it. WELL!
Glenn Beck is really good at playing with Barbies - Videogum
Transformers 2 now has a good shot at getting nominated for a Best Picture Oscar - E! Online
Hilary Duff or a 12-year-old Russian gymnast? - Egotastic!
Lip smacking squirrel. No, this is not another picture of Hilary Duff - Cityrag
Somewhere, a glob of whipped cream is feeling lonely and sad - Popsugar
We get it, Megan Fox, you like licking dick - Hollywood Tuna
I promised you yesterday there would ultra exciting pictures of Kate Gosselin, and here she is getting bottled water delivered. TOLD YOU! - Just Jared
Amy Wino should be the new body of Nike (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Bitch needs to clean her face more often - Hollywood Rag
David Johnson wasted a perfectly good gay serenade on The Hoff - Towleroad
Future love triangle - Lainey Gossip
Peta will be pleased - ONTD
Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested this past Saturday at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris after he put his fist into the face of a waiter who refused to serve him another glass booze. I know you're thinking that anybody who denies you a sip of life's elixir deserves a beating, but JRM has a little case of the Kiefer Sutherlands. JRM was arrested in 2007 for being a drunken wreck at the Dublin airport. That same year, he shuffled off to a rehab facility to dry out. And now here he is again...
People says that a boozy JRM was trying to get a drink before catching a flight, but the bartender was not cooperating. The bar manager was called over to settle JRM down, but a brawl of words went down. A waiter came over to try and stop the argument, but he ended up getting bitch punched in the face. The police were called and took JRM to a drunk tank to sober up for a few hours.
JRM and his marble eyes will have to appear before a judge in September to answer to the charges of "voluntary violence, contempt, issuing death threats and assault." Yes, JRM threatened to kill a bitch over a little of the sauce. If it's that serious, he should carry a damn flask. Better yet, he should train in the Wino ninja art of "booze and ditch." All he had to do was order a goddamn cup of tea. When the bartender ran off to get it, he just had to jump over the bar, take a swig and jump back. There's no need to bust a ho in the face!
On Today this morning, Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee (also known as Ramona Singer in certain circles) talked about some product that gives your eyelashes a hard-on. Kathie Lee was showing it off to the cameras when she decided to dazzle us with her nostril trick. Hmmm... I wonder how she learned that one?
Kathie Lee seemed real proud of herself, but she hasn't seen Lindsay Blohan at work. Blohan's nostrils can chop, separate and snort all by themselves. Take that, KLee!
In an interview with Marie Claire (via ONTD), Stephen Moyer from True Blood had this to say about Edward Cullen from Twilight: "He's a pussy! He's the Slim-Fast, Diet Coke of vampires."
Oh, shit. He said "Slim-Fast!" That shit has to burn like a crucifix to the nalgas!
This isn't really a fang fight since Edward doesn't have fangs! Edward can try to blind Vampire Bill rays of sparklies! Kind of like the Care Bear stare! Precious, right? If that didn't work, Rpattz could act out a few scenes which would cause Stephen to go completely numb. It worked on me while I was watching Twilight (please don't kill me, Twihards).
I know I fart out that same question about half of the shit shows Hollywood puts out, but I really really mean it with this one. Variety (via Coming Soon) reports that a movie about the creation of Facebook is going to exist. My status is currently: BANGING MY HEAD INTO MY IKEA TABLE. My next status will be: FIXING IKEA TABLE BECAUSE THE CHEAP SHIT BROKE.
Okay, I shouldn't be so dramatic. David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin are involved in this shit, so maybe it's not going to be a complete butt nugget. BUT the movie isn't going to be about Facebook itself, it's going to be about the two Harvard geeks who created it. This is the problem. A movie about Facebook could be kind of hot. It would be 2 hours of zombies planting flowers and vampire hunters taking quizzes on "Which The Hills character are you?". That is entertainment.
You know what else sounds better than a movie about the Facebook dudes? The MySpace movie! It would be 90 straight minutes of Tom's default picture and that's it. Speaking of, is it just me or does Tom move sometimes when you stare at his picture long enough? Or maybe I need to step away from the bong......
Who the hell is in charge of Burger King's advertising? Al Goldstein? First, there was the ad featuring a nekkid Burger King for their cologne Flame. Then, there was that was square ass commercial. And now we have this!
Don't get me wrong, I love that Burger King is trying to tap into the slut demographic, but they're going to have to try harder than this. If I'm going to put seven inches in my mouth, I'm going to clean the cheese off of it first. Also, what are those little bumps on the top? Heeeerpes!!! So Burger King wants us to blow a cheesy, herpes-ridden seven incher? Okay, why not? Hand me a condom.
I'm also a little disappointed that they didn't cover that blow up doll's face in mayo. They are probably saving that beautiful moment for the commercial.
And I think someone needs to set up a party between BK's seven incher and the power bottom oven from Quizno's.