If you get the craving to eat cookie dough this weekend, lick this picture and don't eat the real thing or you may doody until you dieeeeeee. Nestle has recalled a bunch of their cookie dough products after 66 people in 28 states got sick with E. coli. This is serious. I just ate Nestle cookie dough a couple of weeks ago. RAW. If my ass starts leaking non-stop, I won't be so quick to blame it on my extra-curricular activities.
Nestle is begging you not to eat their products raw or cooked! Normally, the heat would kill the bacteria, but Nestle isn't fucking around. If you have a bunch of Nestle cookie dough in your freezer, you can return it to your grocery store for a full refund. This weekend the grocery stores are totally going to be full of single depressed ladies trading in their unused cookie dough for SnackWells.
Why do they always recall delicious things? They never recall crap like peas or multi-grain Cheerios. You know, shit I wouldn't even eat if it was laying on Prince Hot Ginge's peen (I'm lying).
I always eat raw cookie dough. I tell myself that I'm going to bake it like a normal person, but then suddenly the bowl is empty and I have the guilties.
And I hope Bradley Cooper doesn't dump Jennifer Aniston this weekend or she is TOTALLY FUCKED.
George Clooney once said that his longest relationship was for 18 years with his pet pig Max. They were so close that Georgie even let Max sleep in his bed every now and again. That makes my tail curl and not in a good way.
Max went off to the great big shit pen in the sky in 2006 which left Georgie with a case of the serious SADS. Recently, George wondered how Max is doing up there in heaven, so he hired a psychic to speak to his pig friend. George apparently told a friend, "The psychic told me Max had a great life with me. He is very happy in spirit and still hangs out with me sometimes. I am not sure she was telling the truth but I do want to believe her."
Of course the psychic bitch is going to tell George that Max misses him. What the hell is she going to say? That the angels turned him into bacon?
But seriously, Max and George had a beautiful thing together. The skanks trying to land George should take note. George loves it when you squeal until your vocal cords pop. He also loves it when you take up the whole bed and keep him up half the night with your loud farting. And if you eat your own caca, he'll fall desperately in love with you. Well, pigs do that! Don't blame me. Blame pigs!
The women of NYC better beware, because Jon Gosselin might be settling down right here in Manhattan.
Gawker says that Jon looked at a bachelor pad at Trump Place yesterday. Jon looked at a 700-square-foot 1-bedroom that rents for around $3,200 a month. I guess if the Gosselin 8 comes to visit, they'll have to sleep in the cupboards and in the hallway.
This really isn't going to be pretty, is it? Jon is almost single, so he doesn't have to worry about Kate's pet possum biting at him for getting caught with his hand in the crotch jar. AND he has his nuts backs! That horny bastard is going to crazy.
So if you're boozing at a bar and a big blobby thing dry humps you out of nowhere, just scream "I HAVE KIDS! I HAVE KIDS." That's the code phrase. It will bounce off of you in a flash.
I regularly toast successful panty peddlers for their hard work in the field of gold digging, but I always forget about KFed. And I shouldn't. If KFed didn't drop his Bisquick batter into Brit Brit's Cheeto pot, he would probably be sneaking joints in the storage room at his day-job at Kinko's instead of living the life. Look at his ass now! The dumb bitch has it made! While Brit Brit makes that Slim Jim money thrusting her twatty all over the UK, KFed is taking their Cheetolings to the Hard Rock Cafe. And the dude is getting paid for it! The best part is that he even came with a bodyguard and a nanny! That's like getting paid to just eat, lay down and carry around a tiny Cheetoling every now and again. I swear.
Here's more of KFed with the boys leaving the Hard Rock Cafe in London last night. I think the boys just ate cheesebugers and fries. KFed ate the whole kitchen.
If you were in NYC last night and heard a crazy woman outside screaming, "OMG OMG OMG A MAN TOUCHED ME FOR FREE", it was Jennifer Aniston celebrating her date with Bradley Cooper - Popsugar
Katie Price is so tacky! Her tag is showing! - Hollywood Tuna
Veronica Mars canoodling with a soppy tampon in Hawaii - Egotastic!
Love Happens should have been called "Same Old Aniston Shit" - Lainey Gossip
Che Guevara’s granddaughter has carrots over her titties (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Glamberace's version of a Tina Turner song sounds like anything else I can pass out to in a gay club at 2am - Towleroad
Relationship whore Jennifer Love Hewitt is giving relationship advice - Celebitchy
Justin Chambers takes his nipples for a swim - Just Jared
Dear Shia, that is the whole point of drinking - I'm Not Obsessed
Jessica Biel is still having crotch issues - Cityrag
Brit Brit's "drop em low" nipples strike again - Hollywood Rag
Maybe the poisonous bitches of the Costa Rican jungle will hear our pleas and finally take out Twit & Twat - ICYDK
Is this the person who has Ricky Martin's heart? Unfortunately, I'm not talking about the sexy piece in the caftan top - Holy Moly!
The Jonas Brothers have girlfriends now. Girlfriends that they only peck on the cheek and...do anal with - Socialite Life
The police do not wait! They don't even wait for you to finish getting your braids done! Maybe Marcus T. Bailey should wait to sell the bad shit to undercover cops until after his braids were done. He won't be making that same mistake again. You can tell by the look on his face.
Marcus was arrested outside of a barber shop in Evansville, Indiana after he stepped out for a bit to conduct a little business. The undercover cops immediately busted his ass and dragged him to jail where this amazing mug shot was taken.
I bet your ass that Alien Princess RiRi is going to start wearing her hair like this next. 25% done braids is going to be all the rage.
Say goodbye to Pizza Hut and hello to The Hut. Actually, let's all say fuck off to The Hut. This is not a change I can co-sign on.
Pizza Hut has announced that they are slowly re-branding themselves as The Hut. Sales have been in the caca box, so they are hoping this will get whores back into their restaurants. Specifically, young whores.
One of Pizza Hut's HBICs told Brand Week (via idsgn), "There's a big trend in general around having confidence in the foods that you eat. People over the age of 35, whose frequency with pizza is declining, said one of the big things that would reignite their passion with the category is to have a pizza made with multigrain crust and an all natural tomato sauce. And yes, we're also introducing another vocabulary word with Pizza Hut, which is 'The Hut.' That ties in nicely with (today's) texting generation. We wanted to make sure that Pizza Hut and 'The Hut' become common vernacular for our brand."
The Hut only makes me think about a giant blob of wet caca with a gaping mouth that eats anything who gets in its path. No, I'm not talking about Tommy Girl's asshole. Seriously, who wants to eat anything that comes out of Jabba the Hutt?
I can understand Pizza Hut wanting to appeal to a different audience, but calling themselves The Hut is not the answer. What they need to do is sexify their image a bit. Put on some lucite heels and strut. They should start going by Pizza Slut. They can even bring back their old slogan: "Gather 'round the good stuff." If they hired the "delivery dicks" from (NSFW, duh) BigSausagePizza.com, I would order from Pizza Slut every single day for the rest of my butt's life.
Since the subject is greasiness, here's Brit Brit leaving London. I hope she's just as upset about this news as I am and records a PSA or something.
On People, there's this headline: Gisele Bündchen Is Pregnant. On UsWeekly, there's this headline: Tom Brady Falls Out of Kayak, Teacher "Saves" Him. Related? DUH! Tom will do whatever he can to stay away from pregnant bitches! Just have Bridget Moynahan over for Crystal Light and she'll tell you all about it.
You know Tom is going to claim he has amnesia and doesn't remember marrying Gis or making a babeh with her. He's going to pull some "Who Huh Wha" shit!
Gis should've watched THIS for pointers and pretended she didn't know she was pregnant until her baby splashed into the toilet while she was going to the bathroom.
White Oprah finally pried herself off of the bathroom room floor of some random club to cough up another important statement (smells like coke loogies and Long Island Iced Tea barf) for the media regarding her personal ATM. Specifically, White Oprah wanted to address the accusations that HoHan stole a bunch of joo-ree from an Elle Magazine shoot and also about how daughter's cell phone keeps getting hacked. Lay it out, chop it up, separate and snort yourself some of this:
"Last month her personal cell was posted online and now her phone messages have been hacked. This must stop. She is a 22-year-old girl who needs to live her life in peace. The tabloids need to leave her alone with all the lies and reporting with no proof." White Oprah went on to burp that the story about HoHan stealing shit is "defamatory, false and unfair. Elle made a public statement backing Lindsay." And finally, before she passed out again, she said, "Lindsay has been home with me and her family for awhile now, celebrating her little brother [Cody's] confirmation and his 13th birthday."
Haven't you missed White Oprah's words of delusion?! She's like a suppository for the soul. White Oprah's statements make you regular again. I mean, 22-year-old girl? HA! Leave her alone? Double HA! A good Catholic family? Get me up off the floor! White Oprah slays me every time.
Here's the 22-year-old good Catholic girl going to a church called H.Wood in Los Angeles last night.
Claire from Lost better take her ass back to the island, because the mob of crazed Twitards are going to hunt her down for kissing on the keeper of the unicorns. The kiss was during a scene for their movie Remember Me, but try explaining that to a lunatic with cracked out hormones!
They are going to try to cut Claire's lips off, so they can wipe that shit all over their nether regions. Or even worse, they are going to hump her face, so the essence of RPattz gets on their crazy crotches. Emilie better stay away from all bitches who look like they just rolled out of Hot Topic's clearance section. Actually, homegirl should just stay away from everyone. Even the least-suspecting hos have the unicorn fever (you know who you are).