Yesterday, I applauded Heather Graham for wearing a "one dolla to make you holla" dress to the Dublin premiere of The Hangover. At today's London premiere of the movie, Heather stayed with the whole sex-worker theme by wearing this stripper floor gown. A professional snatch shaker would usually wear a luxurious gown like this when she's begging tricks for lap dances. Heather's booby boners added an extra touch of class to this already elegant ensemble. Speaking of Heather's nipples...
Is it just me or do they roll around her breasts? In one picture, her nipple is chilling out on the east side of her breast. In another, it's back in the center. It would actually be kind of fun if you had nipples that moved around like that. When you're really bored, you could lay on your bed and try to roll your nipple into the correct spot. It would be like having your own personal labyrinth game on your chest!
Danny Noriega, the MiserAlba look-alike from American Idol, has unleashed a new video to the world and it's a homemade wreck! Do DOS machines still exist, because this shit might have been made on one. Aw. I shouldn't say that. This wasn't homemade. I'm sure it was shot at the finest music video booth Six Flags has to offer. The effects are spellbinding. Danny's video features every standard MS Windows screensaver. That has to be a first.
Who is this Diamonique person? I bet you her real name is Crystal and she's a part-time "sales associate" at Wet Seal. Danny had to let her be in the video, because she provided the wardrobe. You know how that goes. But Danny made one huge mistake. Where is his gorgeous cholita mother? Everything Diamonique did (or didn't) do, Danny's gorgeous cholita mother could have done better! When are her perfect eyebrows going to get their time in the spotlight?
As for the song, I'm so glad this didn't come out when I was 16. I would've been bobbing my ass to this at the all-ages club thinking I was it.
If you've got a penis, hide it in a bomb shelter or stick it in holy water, because Parasite Hilton is back on the prowl! Wonky's mutant vag will be howling for fresh dick tonight, because she is no longer infecting that d-bag who used to be on The Hills. Wonky's spokeswhore told People that the herpytale romance of our time is over!
"In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy."
Your genitals should have trembled after reading that, because they are scared. Hold them and tell them it's going to be alright.
As for Doug, at least he'll always have a piece of Wonky with him. When he looks down at his wart-covered wang and the nest Wonky's crotch crustaceans built in his pube bush, he will be reminded of the beautiful moments they shared together.
Shia LaOedipus already made us all turns our heads, cross our arms and give him a side-eye for saying that if he could be with his super sexy mother, he would. Well, Shia is back for more! During an interview with Parade Magazine, they asked him where he got his sense of humor from. They probably regretted asking the question.
"My humor came from seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked -- just weird hippie stuff, twisted R-rated humor."
You know, fuck Shia for giving me the image of him smoking the good shit while laughing at his parents wet humping like two seals. Since they are hippies, they are probably into doing that tantric shit on Persian rugs. The room probably smelled like patchouli, burnt weed and hot mayo. Not hilarious. Not humorous.
Shia, save this kind of shit for your deep conversations with Professor Whore Face.
Damn. When Shia and Megan have a private conversation, every light bulb in the room burns out.
Never before has a fugshot caused my brain to almost malfunction because of the dozens of images flying at me. I saw DEATH, an anorexic Penguin, an overcooked Gollum, Mr. Burns in need of a haircut and a methed-up Riff Raff.
Who knew that Phil Spector was hiding a mullet and some broke down plugs underneath his wig.
This mug shot is trying to lure me into the back of a van by promising me endless supplies of candy. I am not taking the candy. NO.
Send your dry cleaning bill to The Smoking Gun for providing this portrait of fugness.
Kristin Calamari (or whatever the hell her name is) doesn't have what it takes to pull off this truly elegant ho dress. Sit down and let Heather Graham represent! - Hollywood Tuna
They forgot to paint over Gisele Bundchen's face - Egotastic!
Cristiano Ronaldo is comfortable enough with his sexuality to where a purdy pink flower in his hair - Towleroad
After watching this video, I've come to the conclusion that binge drinking is the right thing to do (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Coke residue - Cityrag
When Sasha Fierce met JUST PLAIN FIERCE - Just Jared
Julia Roberts & David Letterman lurve each other - Lainey Gossip
Barf up your life: Scary Spice sexes up her husband 5 times a day - Hollywood Rag
Posh is ridiculous - Popsugar
Lady Cacaface - Daily Mail
Carrie Prejean will be reporting to the back of the unemployment line tomorrow, because has been fired as Miss California. TMZ says that Donald Trump and the Miss California organization has had it with Miss Tits 4Jesus skipping out on scheduled appearances and not getting permission for non-pageant shit. Donald Trump also added that Carrie has been a total cunt to everyone in the organization except for him. The Donald said, "To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else -- she treated like shit."
TMZ also posted a couple of bitchy e-mails Carrie sent to pageant officials. In one e-mail Carrie wrote: "You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose [sic] the the [sic] things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice." And in another e-mail, she really brought on the charm, "Also I was asked to fill in for a dj on a local radio show.. I'll be reading from a show biz script Monday. I am doing this."
Did Carrie go to the Courtney Love School of E-mail Writing?
Anyway, Carrie will be absolutely fine. She'll get a job at Fox News. She'll marry some billionaire. She'll only wear Talbots. And she'll spend her afternoons drinking martinis, snorting crushed up painkillers and slapping the help.
After a few years of marriage, her husband will get caught in a park restroom with some gay hustler. Then Carrie will write a weepy tell-all, star in the Lifetime TV version of her book and never be heard from again. Oh and somewhere in there she'll record a Christian disco album.
I hope I'm at least right about the very last part.
Everybody needs to watch this video, take notes and pay close attention to everything Baby Smiley does! Homegirl speaks the truth! She's right when she says that if you don't put your eyeliner on hella thick, nobody will take you seriously! The "bitch eyebrow" test is also a very important. The gorgeous cholita look isn't only for riding around in an Impala while listening to oldies, it's also practical for the office. Think about it. The next time your boss tries to make you stay late, he will take one look at your Sharpie eyebrows and back down. Bitch may even give you a raise.
Baby Smiley covered almost every base, but she forgot to mention to stick razors in your hair and cover your neck with hickeys for the full effect!
For those of you skanks who have not finished season 1 of True Blood yet, might want to skip right off of this post, because I might drop a spoiler or two. And my inbox has met its daily quota for "Damn you motherfucker" e-mails. Save it for tomorrow.
All the promo shit I've seen for the second season of True Blood has been missing a very important bitch: LAFAYETTE! Yes, I already know that Lafayette is de-de-de-dead. Some dumb ho who read the series already told my ass that he gets killed off in book two. I still don't want to believe it's true! There has to be a way for Lafayette to return! Can't they make his ass a bitchy zombie? This cannot be the end for Lafayette!!!! Oh well. It was nice to see pictures of his ass at the premiere last night even though he was dressed like the "cool" substitute English teacher in high school.
Here's a few more pictures from last night. They are in order (by character name): LAFAYETTE, a tall glass of Swedish milk, Jason Stackhouse, Vampire Bill, Sookie GAPhouse, Tara, Maryann, Rene and the cast.
Brad and Jen are back together! Brad and Jen are getting married again! Brad and Jen are having triplets together! Brad and Jen adopt Maddox! At least that's what I'm thinking the next 4 covers of Star Magazine are going to look like. This week, Brad and Jen had a super secret meeting and the limo driver is spilling the sauce. No, the limo driver's name is not Norman.
The limo driver claims he drove Jennifer Aniston to the Gramercy Park Hotel in NYC at 1am to meet Brad. The limo driver said the two spent a couple of hours together in the back of the private roof club. The driver went on to yap, "It was well planned so no one would see them. They were really careful not to be spotted."
Let me get this straight. They don't want to get caught yet they meet on the rooftop of a hotel? An open roof?! Don't they know that God has eyes? Don't they also know that St. Angie is on God's Fave Five? It just takes one quick text message and their shit is EXPOSED! Creeping around: They are doing it wrong!
And after reading this story, I feel like this is a sign that Brad and Jennifer should star in a remake of My Chauffeur. My brain always goes back to the 80s. Always.
Here's Brangie's fuckery on 3 more covers this week. Can the tabloids please find a way to get Brad to leave St. Angie for Megan Fox? That's where this is headed....