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Naomi Campbell isn't the only supermodel who can cause a bitch to sleep with a baseball bat underneath their bed! Karen Mulder can play that game too. Karen was arrested in Paris yesterday for threatening to whoop her plastic surgeon's ass. The Daily Mail says that 39-year-old Karen told her plastic surgeon to reverse a surgery, but her doctor refused. Instead of flying to Brazil to have the work done there like any normal person would do, Karen got on the phone and made threats.

A French detective (picture Olivier Martinez without pants on to make this quote more interesting) said, "She was screaming and shouting about the operation and became extremely threatening. There were repeated calls to the female surgeon who was extremely scared. The suspect is being interviewed."

Karen is no stranger to crazy. She spent some time in a psychiatric hospital after she lost it during a TV interview. In the interview, Karen said she was used as a sex slave during her modeling days and said that her father used to hypnotize her when she was little. Her father blamed her lunacy on ze drugs....

Wait. Hold up. You can end up in handcuffs if you threaten and scream at a ho over the phone!? Please don't tell Mah Boo's doorman about this.

The next time I'm drunk in Vegas, remind me to never get in Steve Ryan's shot, because he will slappity slap me in my whore mouth on live TV. On second tingle, Steven Ryan is kind of giving my genitals the shakes, so maybe I will get in his shot after all.

But seriously, is Steve Ryan new at this, because how many tubby drunktards do you think troll Downtown Las Vegas on a daily basis? MILLIONS! There's no need push his head. Steven Ryan could've just pointed far away and screamed, "Look! Free beer-filled pastries!" Dude would've been out of there lickity split!

I hope they made up after the camera stopped rolling and realized they were brought together for a reason. They should take their act on the road. Steve Ryan & Drunk Dude are the new Laurel & Hardy!

And the look on the lady anchors' faces is amazing. However, I didn't like that bitch's tone when she said, "Especially when people have a liiiiiiiiittle too much to drink." Don't judge Drunk Dude!

VIA Wonkette

Last season, Simon Cowell was paid $35 million for American Idol. This season, Simon will get anywhere from $100 million to $144 million. That's what The New York Post is claiming. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul continues to get paid in Adderrall pills bought from the internet and handwritten I.O.U. notes.

Simon's contract is up in May and he knows very well how important he is to American Idol. The reality crap fiesta brings in almost $1 billion in ad revenue and Simey believes he deserves a nice slice of that.

Yes, what you probably make a year, Simon is going to make an hour.

Simon will get paid zillions of dollars for keeping his moobies plump and saying the same insult over and over again while sipping on Crystal Light Lemonade in a Coca-Cola cup. Hmmmmm. Sound familiar? *Looks down at pancake moobies, reads first page of Dlisted and sees the same joke over and over again, glances at the Crystal Light Lemonade in a SpongeBob SquarePants cup.* Close enough! Now, where's my $144 million?! Shit, I'd settle for 144 Bakeshop Twists (my new favorite thing).

Squirrels usually pop out of panties, but I've never heard of one popping out of a ho's cleavage before. The cops in Ohio were interrogating a bitch about a murder when a furry friend jumped out to say "Heeeeeelp me." The lady didn't miss a beat and popped that squirrel back in like she was playing a game of Whack-A-Mole.

The police aren't sure what the deal is with the squirrel and they didn't ask. FOR WHY?! This is a question you ask! If a fucking squirrel jumps out of a person's shirt, you ask that bitch where it came from. I mean, maybe the mommy squirrel was in between her nalgas and the daddy squirrel was chilling out under her fopa.

You know Aretha Franklin is snorting at this, because she probably has a whole petting zoo in between her magnificent chichis.

P.S. - That squirrel is definitely not happy.

VIA Buzzfeed

RIP: Pour one out for Vibe Magazine... If it wasn't for them, we'd never have Kanye's comment about this cover: "THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!!" Thank you for that - Crunk + Disorderly

This is how I wear my suspenders too - Egotastic!

But what does Jane Russell have to do with anything? - Towleroad

Debbie Gibson is back...and still wearing the same shit from 20 years ago - Hollywood Tuna

Zac Efron is on a motherfucking boat - Popsugar

Another game of bitties or butts? - Cityrag

Sasha Fierce's glitter domes are trying to escape (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

I hope Tara Reid knows that her boyfriend probably likes a nutsack on his lips in the morning - Hollywood Rag

Vanessa Manilafolders moves fast - Celebslam

This could be A-Roid in some bunny ears for all we know - Just Jared

Sparkly Vamp on a bike - Lainey Gossip

Lady CaCa visted an HIV support center in Manchester, England yesterday and talked about how she was doing charity work when she was a toddler.

Lady CaCa's mouth farted this: “I’ve been doing volunteer work since I was two. When I can, I do everything I can for those in need.”

Oh, she's being modest! Lady CaCa gave a special gift to the world as soon as she was born! She gave us the gift of regular bowel movements, because every time I see her my ass heads for the nearest toilet.

VIA The Sun

CNN says that Michael Jackson's body will go back home to Neverland on Thursday morning. There will be a public viewing on Friday and a private memorial service on Sunday at Neverland. It's not really know if Michael will be buried at Neverland. The Mayor of Gary, Indiana, Michael's hometown, has asked him family to bury him in their town. He said that Michael could be buried on the grounds of a new Jackson family museum and performing arts center. Translation: They want the tourist cash.

If you live near Neverland, you better beam yourself out of there now, because it's going to be lunacy. The tears from all his fans will flood the whole city, so if you stay, you better keep a kayak and some snorkel equipment handy. You also better get some ear plugs, because their wails will make your ear drums collapse.

When I first read about this, my skin crinkled at the thought of an open casket, but I don't know if they will go that far. Nothing surprises me anymore, though. Imagine all the MySpace and Facebook default pictures of sick hos posing with his body? I weep. Facebook needs to an install an "I Quit This Bitch" button for that reason alone!

And I better not see pictures of Joe Jackson selling tickets and souvenir brochures outside.....

Image: Reuters

It looks like someone is trying to fish out a stuck cum ball. It happens. So...Gossip Girl has started shooting again which means we'll see a million pictures of Chuck Bass wearing clothes from Gordon Gekko's dirty laundry basket. Where Wall St. meets Santa Monica Blvd....

Oh and speaking of cum dust, a bunch of you skanks recommended that I get my eyes blown out (see below post), so I'm running out to do just that. No, really I am. I'll be back in a quick minute.....unless I trip on a peen or two.

This is TMZ: "Jackson/Rowe Not the Biological Parents!" This is UsWeekly: "Dermatologist Is Biological Dad of Michael Jackson's Children!" This is Me: "MAAAAAURY! SAVE US!"

Maybe I should wash the jizz residue out of my eyes, because I always thought Michael Jackson's kids kind of looked like him. Then again, I regularly grab whole wheat bread at the grocery store thinking its white bread.....

Well, some bitches are screaming that Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket aren't Michael's biological children.

TMZ is even saying that Debbie Rowe isn't their biological mother. A few sources told them that Debbie was the baby oven for Paris and Prince Michael, but her eggs were not used. The identity of the surrogate who carried Blanket is still unknown. The sources went on to yap that all three children were conceived in vitro and they don't know whether or not Michael knew the egg or sperm donors. And that's where UsWeekly comes in....

According to their source, Prince Michael and Paris' bio-father is dermatologist Arnold Klein. The source added, "He and Debbie signed an agreement saying they would never reveal the truth."

AND TMZ also claims that Michael never adopted any of his three kids, because he didn't think anybody would try to get custody.

AAAAAGGGHHH! Escandalo overload.

I know it's cliche as hell, but can all parties involved gather on Maury's stage to work this out before the headlines get crazier. Because I won't be surprised if I see a website with the headline: "DEBBIE ROWE REALLY A MAN! WORLD'S TRUE PREGNANT DUDE."

Michael Jackson's image will forever live on the pristine skin of Jodie Marsh - Holy Moly!

Diane Keaton better lock herself in the safe house until further notice - SOW

The bitch who got dumped on The Bachelor is trying the whole "engagement" thing again - Popeater

Johnny Depp and Marion Cotillard should switch hair - Socialite Life

Little Lord Ty Ty - The Bastardly

The hairless wonder in one of Tommy Girl's party outfits again - I'm Not Obsessed

Eddie Van Halen got married - ICYDK

I think Usher should start by checking if Tameka has a real uterus or not - Celebitchy

Megan Fox as a brain-eating zombie. This is fitting since my brain eats away at itself whenever I read one of her quotes - Popoholic