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This is the new torch for the 2010 Olympic Winter Games in Vancouver and it has some craving Rollitos and every item on the Taco Bell menu. The Star put it best: "All hail – or inhale – the 2010 Olympic Torch. Or, as it's jokingly known around Vancouver, the Olympic Toke."

The designer of the giant metal lit joint had this to say for himself, "Sure, it may look a little bit like a joint, but I can tell you that what they were going for was ergonomics, sleekness, modernity." Yeah. Uh huh. Keep blowing smoke in my face until I get a good buzz going.

I know what they were trying to do her. They were trying to woo dolphin god Michael Phelps with a promise that the good shit always blows through the streets of Vancouver. I just don't know which events he'd compete in? Bong sledding? Weed skating? Shake hockey? And where do I sign up?

I'm pretty sure this also means the opening ceremony is going to be one big HOT BOX party! Cover me completely and toke away!

This picture just gave my eyeballs HPV - Holy Moly!

Lady CaCa needs to work on her tuck game - Socialite Life

Methinks Drew's new "boytoy" loves a little man chowder in the morning (but who doesn't?) - ICYDK

Nas doesn't want to give his knocked up wifey one cent - Celebitchy

Stepford Katie can't stop dancing, because she obviously can easily stop washing her hair - I'm Not Obsessed

Jacko has postponed his London EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAA! Probably so engineers could invent spotlights that won't melt his face off - SOW

How do you spell "Yooz a Dumb Troll" in Italian, because that's what Hayden should've gotten tattooed on her body - Popeater

Whack-A-Kitties (no, this isn't porn) - Urlesque

Just when I thought Kara DioWHYDIDGODPUTYOUHERE couldn't singe my pubic hairs more than she already has, she had to go and do THAT on last night's American Idol finale. Who needs wax when you have this annoying slag to rip your taint bush out with her voice?

Truth is, I'd much rather see Simon Cowell in a two-piece, because we all know his furry tittays would really fill out that top. And that bikini makes Kara's jaw look fatter!

Kara, Bikini Skank and Bikini Skank's leased Jello mold breasts joined forces to slowly destroy Mimi's Vision of Love. I think that performance made Mimi go crazy again. Expect to see her rainbow ass shimmying down Times Square again with an ice cream cart.

When is Simon going to tell Kara to return her jaw to Sandra Bernard and go home (aka HELL) permanently!

This has got me confused. TMZ says that Lauri Waring, the puppet-faced filly from The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County, has filed papers asking her ex-husband for more money. According to the papers, Lauri claims she only makes $400 a month. That's not even enough to cover her weekly liquid nails (botox and Wesson is so five years ago) bill!

In the papers, Lauri states that she has over $12,000 in monthly expenses and that her ex-husband, Phil Waring, can afford to pay her more in support, because he makes around $360,000 a year. Lauri also said that she's working as an insurance agent and an "actress" (laugh until you fart) to make ends meet.

Okay... Um. Isn't Lauri still married to George, the wealthiest man in Cota or Laguna or wherever the hell they live? Didn't George buy Lauri's ass a Mercedes and some gaudy ass joo-rees (copyright: DeShawn Snow)? Didn't George take Lauri to Dubai so that she could piss on diamonds and feast on liquid gold? How is she still getting money from her ex-husband if she re-married? Yes, everything I needed to learn about alimony I learned from Desperate Housewives.

OH! I think I know why Lauri's asking for money. It's because she's a greedy crash-grubbing whore who doesn't care how much money she has now, she still wants MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE! Hmmm. I can respect that. Carry on!

When did Jessica Biel become such an asshole? Does this have something to do with the fact that she's sucking on Justin Timberlake's soggy tampon? I mean, Jessica already said that she's too beautiful to get auditions (aka her massive low hangers get in the way). Now Jessica is saying that she spends a long time getting ready every day, because she knows the paparazzi follow her and she doesn't want to see fugly pictures of herself in magazines.

The DVD actress farted to Allure Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), "It's wonderful to do what I do, but everything that goes with it? It's bizarre. The invasion of privacy is very tough. I am followed all day, every day. Going to the dentist, the cleaners. I guess I could look like shit going to the dentist, but only if I didn't care what I saw in the papers."

This hag should be thankful that she's in ANY magazine besides back issues of the Pitt Bull Reporter. And I'll leave the rest of my comments to myself and just let the picture above do all the talking.

There's a lot of reasons to love Marie Osmond. She's crazy. She loves wigs. She makes tranny dolls. And she sang the masterpiece Paper Roses. Well, here's a new reason to love her. Marie loves her pussy-eatin', strap-on wearin', power tool-carrying gayelle daughter! Marie's daughter, Jessica, is a lesbian and Marie is absolutely fine with that. She told Entertainment Weekly (via OK!) that her being a Mormon doesn't automatically mean that she thinks the souls of all gays and gayelles should burn in the fiery pits of hell.

Marie said, "I love my daughter! She's my baby girl, come on. So what if she's gay? She's my daughter and she's an amazing woman and a good kid. I raised her, she better be good. I think it's sad when we have to separate something from society. Whether it's, 'Oh you're Jewish,' and then it was 'Oh you're a Mormon,' or 'Oh you're gay.' I love real people. A lot of women out there have gay children. Who cares? I want love. I'm a Christian and Christ loved everybody."

And I love you, Marie! But really, I'd be sad in the heart if this bitch didn't accept gays. I mean, Marie has to be the gayest thing on this planet! Her brother is Donny Osmond for peen's sake!

Put Marie next to a unicorn. The unicorn immediately looks like the damn Marlboro Man. Put Marie next to Glamberace. Glamberace immediately looks like Chuck Norris! Put Marie next to me. Well, okay, that's a draw.

But seriously, now if only Marie can get some other hos to feel that way. If anybody can do it, Marie can (with help from her hypnotic dolls, of course). Viva Marie!

Double your pleather, double your fug - Smoody

Runners-up:

Dammit! I just spent 5 minutes circling the differences. - jazzfish_77

The whores that didn't vote for Glamberace. - Sluttsville

For the love of god, Wonder Twin powers deactivate! DEACTIVATE! - Ikcor

VIA The gift that is Awkward Family Photos

The Three Wolf Moon T-shirt - This shit has become the top selling t-shirt on Amazon thanks to some amazingly awesome reviews. Seriously, if you have time to kill (I think I spent like 2 hours reading this shit), go through all the reviews, because most of them are magic (just like the t-shirt). Here's some samples:

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!).

I bought this item to wear on a camping trip, seeing as how it has wolves on it. Imagine my surprise, on our second evening, as I was on my way to our makeshift latrine, ...I saw wolves wearing t-shirts with people's heads on the front. They didn't have any pants, on, though. I couldn't tell what people they were on their shirts, although I think one of them might have been Mindy Kohn from The Facts Of Life.

Sometimes late at night, if I wear my wolf shirt to bed, I wake up to the sound of howling coming from my bellybutton region. Because this has happened several times, I feel very powerful, like perhaps, I've been somehow chosen.

Personally, I think the t-shirt would be perfect if it had a unicorn flying past the moon, but that's just me. And don't act like you've never worn this shirt with denim cut-offs and wedge sandals while working the ho stroll in Panama City Beach, FL.

Mr. T (57)
Sarah Ramos (18)
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Briana Banks (31)
Fairuza Balk (35)
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Lisa Eldestein (43)
Nick Cassavetes (50)
Judge Reinhold (52)
Al Franken (58)