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This is the only reason why the gods allowed the MTV Movie Awards to exist! Because if it didn't, Bruno would have never fallen from the gay heaven and landed face first into Eminem's lap. This is what they call "love at first sight." Bruno and Eminem make 69ing look so beautiful and special.

Yes, Eminem is trying to fight it, but you can feel the chemistry. It's dripping from Eminem's peen hole. He's saying no, but his whole body is saying YES! When Bruno's succulent nalgas and juicy berries were in his face, it took every bit of strength inside him to not lick up the sweet butt cream. Eminem knew that if he stayed longer he would propose marriage to Bruno's honey buns, so he busted out of there! As much as he wants to runs through the fields with Bruno's ass, he's just not ready for that commitment. It makes me sad when true love is not realized.

And Bruno better get every award imaginable for this GRAND performance. That is the kind of shit I want to see!

The other day I made a joke that Susan Boyle was the second coming of Brit Brit.... Well, it might sort of be coming true, because the cat lady has cracked a bit. Daddy Spears, please get on the next Cheeto jet to London.

The Sun is saying that shortly after Susan Boyle placed second on Britain's Got Talent, she kind of melted and had to be shuffled off to a private clinic so she can sleep the crazy away. Just keep the hair clippers away from her!

Apparently, Susan wasn't in a good place before the finale. Crazy doctors were brought in to talk to her. It didn't help, because she burst into tears backstage right after her performance. Susan was reacting to the audience booing when judge Piers Morgan said she should win. After the show, Susan went back to her hotel room where sources say she was acting strange. So strange that the police and paramedics had to be called.

A witness who saw the whole sad affair said, "When the paramedics and police arrived she agreed to go voluntarily. She didn't make a fuss. The paramedics calmly took her out through the main lobby and into the waiting ambulance. It was all done very calmly. They didn't want to stress or upset her. She didn't look well - she looked lost, not all there."

A rep for the show confirmed that Susan is in THE CLINIC (dun dun dun). They said she suffered from exhaustion and just needs a few days to rest....... in a padded room...... while wearing a straitjacket.

Susan is too precious and fragile for this ugly cruel world. She should crawl into her bed, cuddle with her cat friend and then sing herself to sleep. When she's ready, the world will be here ready to embrace the rainbow that pours out of her mouth when she serenades us. And if she ever needs the number of a good "doctor" who can prescribe some good shit to help her deal with the fuckery, she knows where to find me.

Jennifer Hudson will have to start getting her friends to sign a damn confidentiality agreement, because one of them has spilled the fetus juice to the Chicago Times. One of JHud's close friends, Felicia Fields, said that she had a baby shower over the weekend.

Felicia, who I'm guessing was just erased from JHud's cell phone, chirped, “It was a baby shower, a quiet gathering of friends and mostly family. They’re really trying to keep it kind of quiet. It was a nice time that we had."

Just because she had a baby shower doesn't mean she's pregnant. I mean, I threw a fake baby shower once. Okay, it was mostly just us drinking vodka out of baby bottles, because we got bored of drinking booze out of regular cups. You have to switch things up every now and again.

If JHud is with child, the father is none other than New York's former ball licker Punk from I Love New York. Yeah, they better keep that baby away from Vh1. Knowing that your daddy used to "sword fight" with New York could scar a child.

There was a time when international supermodel Phoebe Price would've shot Quween on the Scene on the spot, but those days are behind us. Yesterday on the streets of Beverly Hills, PP and Quween signed a peace treaty. World peace is possible! Put down your guns and raise a chicken cutlet!

The two lil' famewhores put their differences aside for Quween's birfday (Happy Birfday, Quween!). PP clucked a beautiful song to Quween and then bestowed upon her a special gift. It kind of looks like she bedazzled something she found on the side of the road, but it's the thought that counts!

I know that 99.99999% of you will agree with what the camera dude at the end has to say about this mess, but I respectfully disagree. This is the most important thing I've seen all hour. The United Nations will be discussing this first thing tomorrow morning.

Kate Gosselin searched the beach for her dignity on Bald Head Island, North Carolina today. Jon couldn't make the trip, because...well....he really fucking hates her. And I think he knew that his crotch area had been through enough torture. It didn't need to see Kate in a two-piece. Speaking of, for giving birth to a medium sized village, Kate is looking sessy! Bitch has got the torso of a male substitute gym teacher, the thighs of a retired wrestler and the arms of a middle-aged Neanderthal! I'd hit it.

Here's more of my cunt idol airing out her possum head on the beach. And is it just me or does it look like her belly button is slowly trying to get as far away from her vagina as possible?

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I really, really am having a hard time concentrating right now. Immediately after my eyeballs gazed upon this picture of utter hotness, my b-lips took over, slapped my hand off the mouse and hit "right click SAVE." It has powers like that. I'm seriously going to sign up for a Photoshop master class at The Mariah Carey School Of Airbrushing just so I can realistically paste my face into this picture. Then I will tattoo the image over every inch of my body, wallpaper my entire apartment with it and even make a hooded cape of it for my dog to wear 24 hours of the day. Do you think Home Depot will make me a copper bath tub faucet of Hot Ginge's head? Of course they will. That is what God intended.

This exquisite work of art is almost perfect by itself, because the dude Prince Hot Ginge is golden showering goes by the name of Nacho Figueras. His name is NACHO!!!!!! Prince Hot Ginge + Nachos = The Heaven above HEAVEN!!!

The rest of these pictures from yesterday's Polo Classic in NYC will also be printed out and put into a dream scrapbook that I will look at every night before I go to bed.

Picture a tiny human chilling out in a hospital somewhere with cashmere diapers over his nalgas and a canary diamond-covered beanie on his head. He really exists, because Kimuumuu gave birth to him yesterday morning in Los Angeles. This is the first baby Kimora and Djimon Hounsou made together. Kimora also has two daughters, Ming Lee and Aoki Lee, with Russell Simmons.

When Kimora's vagina area started percolating, she Twittered that she was about to pop. You know, since Twittering that your pussy is about to combust is the new thing. Kimora wrote: "It's time!! No turning back! At hospital in labor right now!! Having contractions now! Ooo- wee! It's like WHOA! Love & Light, KLS." 16 hours later, she updated everyone: "It's a boy! Thanks to everyone out there for all your well wishes! More to come. Thank God. And God Bless! Kimora + Djimon Love & Light, KLS"

Kimora even posted the picture below of her in the hospital. Her personal Photoshop artists must have been pissed that she made them work on the weekend, because you know she had that shit touched.

And unfortunately, Kimora and Djimon didn't announce a name. I'm hoping for Kimomo Diamante Lee or Kimoramon.

The mother and daughter from the forever classic "Not-So-Fresh-Feeling" Massengill commercial! According to Wasting Time, the daughter with the eternal question was played by Cara Buono. The identity of the mother is not known and I don't think she's ever been heard from again. That's probably because for the past 20 years she's been in a dark, cold room with blocks of ice on her snatch. Years of pouring vinegar in her chocha has left it looking like Freddy Krueger's face.

And it would be wrong of me to not name the mother and daughter team in "the beach" Massengill commercial as runners-up!

Colin Farrell (33)
Matt Cavenaugh (31)
Eric Christian Olsen (32)
Sandrine Bonnaire (42)
Phil Keoghan (42)
Brooke Shields (44)
Corey Hart (47)
Lea Thompson (48)
Chris Elliott (49)
Tom Berenger (60)
Sharon Gless (66)
Joe Namath (66)
Clint Eastwood (79)