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If you didn't watch the first season of True Blood, then Netflix that shit or suck a dick for a copy. That shit is good. I've been practically foaming at the ass (DON'T) for season 2 which starts in June. Well, Michael Ausiello says that Marilyn Manson's current bone polisher (they're back together, I hear) has signed up for 2 episodes.

Evan Rachel Wood will play Sophie-Anne, the 500-year-old Vampire Queen of Louisiana. In the books, Sophie-Anne is a 15-year-old French girl when she becomes a vampire.

Evan Rachel Wood looks like she sleeps in a buried coffin and she has the acting skills of a human body devoid of all working organs, so this sounds like a match to me! I just hope they dub her voice. I gladly put up with Anna Paquin's horrific cartoon-like Southern accent on that show, but I won't stand for Evan Rachel's! Bitch is probably going to sound like a Southern Count von Count. Dreadful!

Didn't say St. Angie say she was going to go away for a while, so she could raise her child army, tutor Jesus in the subject of tolerance and save a planet or something? Well, apparently her break is going to wait a little while longer, because St. Angie has agreed to play Dr. Kay Scarpetta in the film version of Patricia Cornwell's best-selling book series.

I've never read Patricia's books, but that's what Wikipedia is for!

Dr. Kay Scarpetta was born in Miami, Florida. She is of Italian descent on both sides of her family, with the Scarpettas emigrating from Verona, Italy. She is blonde, and a sharp dresser, although always professional. In the early novels Scarpetta is the Chief Medical Examiner for the state of Virginia, and works in Richmond. She resigns after the events of The Last Precinct and relocates to Florida to become a private forensic consultant. Scarpetta returns to Virginia in Trace at the request of her replacement, Dr. Joel Marcus. In Predator, Scarpetta becomes the head of the National Forensic Academy in Hollywood, Florida, a private institution founded by her wealthy niece Lucy. In The Book of the Dead, Scarpetta has relocated as a freelance forensic examiner/expert to Charleston, South Carolina. In the most recent novel, Scarpetta, she has relocated to Massachusetts where she is an M.E but she and Benton also share an apartment in NYC.

St. Angie and the producers are currently meeting with writers. The movie won't be based on any specific novel, but they hope to turn it into a franchise.

Basically, it sounds like this movie is going to consist of St. Angie aiming a gun, pouting her lips, giving sexyface, shaking uncontrollably while screaming about whatever and taking long pauses while she squints her eyes all intense-like. Rinse and repeat.

Honestly, this sounds like some "V. I. Warshawski" shit. And nothing gets better than that masterpiece of a movie.

If your ear drums shriveled up and died after listening to the unedited board feed from Beyonce's Today performance, it was all in vain. TMZ says it was all a big, fat joke (like most of the wigs laying on Beyonce's head) and someone claims they doctored it for fun. The cookie crumbs totally lead through the basement door and down the stairs.....

The jokester said, "It's a little bit crazy. No one in their right mind would sound like that, and no one would cheer for someone singing like that."

Um....has he heard Kim Zolciak's walrus warble? Wait. Maybe this is really her raw cover of "If I Were A Boy." I hope it's on the b-side of Tightrope.

Matthew Knowles isn't laughing. He issued a pretty hilarious statement. Picture him reading this on the top of a mountain with a flag bearing the Knowles family mascot blowing in the background:

If no one took the time to look at the biggest Inauguration in the history of America then shame on them.

If no one took the time to listen to Beyonce sing 'America the Beautiful' and 'At Last' at the Neighborhood Ball for the first dance of President Obama and the First Lady, and they question Beyonce's vocal ability, they've gotta be an idiot.

At 12 years into her career, the last thing someone should be questioning is her vocal ability.

That would be like questioning if Kobe Bryant could shoot a jump shot. The vocals were obviously altered.

You know what sounds altered? His fucking view of reality! Stick a bong in his mouth, so maybe he'll see the light.

So, I guess it was all a hoax. I can't wait until it's revealed that the entire Knowles family is one big hoax. Put a hoax on it!

Please curtsy before this refined and pristine lady! This portrait is like the modern day Mona Lisa, right? This striking work of art came about after 25-year-old Nicole Marty of Long Island was arrested after she got high, got in her car and crashed it into a pole with her 9-year-old in the passenger seat. Being the elegant lady that she is, Nicole also beat on a cop at the hospital. Doesn't she just make you want to cross your legs and pick up a teacup with your pinky sticking out?

25 with a 9 year old says everything and more. So does the face that looks like it's been living in a cave on an old nuclear testing zone

That being said, If I had a mug shot, I'd want it to look like this (sans the "my daddy is also my brother" face).

VIA Smoking Gun

Mischa Barton looks like a rotten egg coming out of a turkey's ass - Hollywood Rag

ADAM LAMBERT IS NOT GAAAAAAAAAY, so says this dumb fag hag - Towleroad

Five horrific words: Rachael Ray See Through Picture - Hollywood Tuna

Alien Princess RiRi shows Katy Perry her home planet - Popsugar

For being a 40-something with a butt infection on her mouth, Lisa Rinna's body ain't that bad - Egotastic!

Death by beer bong (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Photoshop bukkake: Four shirtless wolfies from Twilight - Just Jared

The deflation of Tori Spelling's zombie titties has begun - Celebslam

The perfect establishment - Cityrag

Susan Boyle, the most famous person in the universe, got her shrub brows pruned. Susan let a bitch take a machete to those things. Actually, it probably took a couple of machets, a pack of wild goats and a gallon of tar to get that much hair off her eyebrows. I mean, they are a direct descendants of Robin Williams' nipple bushes.

You know, I kind of miss Susan's old eyebrows. Whenever she sang, the wind from her mouth glided up to her eyebrows causing the follicles to dance in the light. Now they look like every other hos' brows.

As the weeks go by, the pitter-patter from my loins gets louder and louder for Simon Cowell. The thumping almost deafens the doody-covered shit balls that come pouring out of the caca hole belonging to Kara DIOGetalocksmithonthatjaw. Last night, Simon delivered a beautiful love letter straight to Kara. Simon and I are soul sisters, because every time Kara opens her poop shoot, my best finger automatically salutes her. Every single time. Simon is the butter between my peen flap and that is compliment. If he ever needs a ho to smother cocoa butter on his fur tittays, I'm his bitch.

Enough of that, let's talk about the least gayest disco party of all-time and forever. JUMP!!!

Once again, Peta has confirmed that they will put any bottom of the barrel ho on one of their ads. This time, it's Ceiling Eyes from The Hills and the Photoshop artists magically moved her eyes to the side, so it doesn't look like she's trying to stare at her forehead to see if her brain has come back yet. Ceiling Eyes is not Ceiling Eyes if she's not looking at the ceiling. Durr.

This ad kind of doesn't work, because everyone knows that when an Audrina Patridge gets her wings, a puppy dies.

The sad tale of Rubina Ali from Slumdog Millionaire getting sold to the highest bidder is over for now, because police in India have released her father. Rafiq Qureshi was brought in for questioning after Rubina's birth mother complained to the po po that he was trying to sell their daughter to a sheik for $300,000. A senior police officer in Mumbai told Reuters, "So far there is no evidence of any offense, hence there is no registration of complaint and no arrest." Translation: Rafiq is giving us a cut of the sale.

Rafiq blames the evil doers at The News of the World for trying to knock his ass down to sell papers. Rafiq told People it was all a "lie made up by foreign journalists playing games with me." The News of the World never released the video footage they supposedly have of a fake sheik and Rafiq discussing the sale of Rubina.

For Rubina's sake, I hope some mean ass whores were just trying to sabotage her daddy and he wasn't trying to pass her for a dime. Besides, if you're going to sell off your child wouldn't you immediately go to the two biggest buyers of babies in the world: Vadge and St. Angie? Duh.

If you have a reason to hate your ears this morning, then punish him by listening to this terrorist act on your eardrums. If you've got any hair in your ears you want to get rid of, you can listen to this mess too and that shit will burn off in a quick second. Cancel that laser hair removal appointment!

TMZ posted a clip Howard Stern played yesterday which is supposedly the unedited board feed from Beyonce's performance on Today back in November. A wildebeest getting DPed with two hot curling irons probably sounds more pleasant than this.

This has just become my new ringtone. I can't wait to see bitches run for cover when my phone rings.