"Mahs Pappy is druggin' me!!!" That's what Brit Brit Spears is reportedly telling her friends. Some source (*cough*osamalutfi*cough*) tells Look Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that the Cheetoneck thinks Daddy Spears has upped her medication to keep her druggy druggy and under his spell.
The source said, “Britney is sure her father is out to get her and that he’s drugging her to turn her into a zombie who won’t fight back. Ever since her breakdown last year when she was hospitalized, she’s been on prescription pills to battle her panic attacks. Her doctors have also prescribed anti-anxiety drugs Valium and Ativan to deal with stress and to help her sleep. As part of the court-ordered conservatorship, Jamie has to make sure Britney takes the correct dosage because she forgets to take them otherwise. But lately she’s been nodding off randomly in the middle of conversations and is convinced it’s because Jamie’s giving her too much much."
Brit Brit has apparently been secretly texting Landing Strip again asking for his help. Oh, Brit. Just lay back, enjoy the ride and watch the glittery Chester Cheetahs dance around in the sparkly Frapp rain.
For real, I do not see the problem here. If my daddy made me cheese grits with VELVEETA and fed me Valium like it was Rollitos, not only would I never leave home, I'd also nominate him for Daddy of the Millennium! I would even ignore the horrific fact that he always wears his cell phone on the outside of his pocket. Just pour some Valium grits in my mouth and I'll do whatever you say!
The Cougar premiered a few days ago on TVLand, but last night I was drunk and stoned enough to venture into the den! Let me just say, this shit makes The Bachelor look like caviar on a silver spoon. It is such a piece of low-budget trash! The whole thing looks like it was paid for with a handful of McDonald's Monopoly tokens and a gift certificate to Master Cuts. I bet they didn't even pay to film in that mansion! They just crashed an open house. Anyway, this shit is under the fucking barrel.
The grossest part of the whole show is the elimination ceremony. Vivica Fox, who only signed up for this mess after producers promised they would track down her hairline, announces to the group of dicktards that if "The Cougar" gives them her lips, they are safe, if she gives them her cheek, they have to go home. Seriously, they can't even afford roses, so they pass out the herp instead! You know I'm not a prude, but this shit is kind of disgusting. You're not supposed to use your lips during orgies! Couldn't she put on a rubber glove and give them a handjob instead? That would be more sanitary. This shit must be sponsored by Abreva. Clip above.
Is that really a beautiful sawdust-covered ginge rainbow I see before me? While trolling the ho stroll last night, I wondered why the homeless people looked shiny and why the mangy pigeons picking at dirty maxi-pads looked so glimmery. Now I know why! That's because the goddess of gayelle ginges, Rojo Caliente, spread her beauty all over the streets of NYC yesterday! When Rojo smiles, a gayelle gets approved for a Home Depot Rewards Mastercard.
You know, I've lived in NYC for eleventy million years and I have never come face to face with the ginge rainbow! Not even close. Whenever I smell the exotic scent of power tool oil, I run towards it hoping to find Rojo....but nothing. I've heard stories upon stories from hos who have been in the company of Rojo! The gods must be keeping us apart, because they know that when we meet, planets will explode, Home Depots will crumble, lezzies will collide and ginge mops everywhere will turn white. Or maybe it's because they know I'll go into a seizure while dry humping her hip and men in white jackets would have to taser me off. Naw, that's not it. It must be the whole "earth imploding" thing.
Caroline & Steve Cartwright - 47-year-old Caroline was rewarded (hey, it's an honor) with an ASBO (Anti-Social Behavior Order) banning in the UK after she made her neighbors' lives utter hell with her loud ass screams of passion during fucky times with her husband. I'm sure you want to give Caroline and Steve another ASBO for the visuals that were just created in your head.
Several neighbors, even a partially deaf one, said they had not a good night's sleep in two years, because of the couples' moans. After warning the couple several times and receiving nearly 25 complaints, Environmental Health officers set up a recording system next door. They recorded Steve and Caroline's cats in heat screeches over 23 times. The judge found Caroline guilty of assault with a deadly orgasm scream. She was fined £200. Caroline still doesn't understand why she's being punished. She told the Daily Mail, "I can’t understand why people ask me to be quiet. It’s normal to me."
If the neighbors think they have it bad, what about those tortured stuffed animals on that elegant plastic end table in the picture above? They are permanently frozen with fear!
Conan O'Brien (46)
Suri Cruise (3)
America Ferrera (25)
Kourtney Kardashian (30)
Melissa Joan Hart (33)
Eli Roth (37)
David Tennant (38)
Maria Bello (42)
Eric McCormack (46)
Jane Leeves (48)
Eric Roberts (53)
Rick Moranis (56)
James Woods (62)
Dorothy Lyman (62)
Hayley Mills (63)