Congressman Alcee Hastings of Florida got dirtay dirtay by reading a long ass list of some nasty fetish shit written by the author of a proposed amendment on a hate crime bill . That list sounds like a regular Thursday night for me. No, I wish. Actually, I don't wish. There's a lot of filthy R.Kelly approved shit (literally) on that list.
Although, I'm glad I know the fancy name for phone fucking now. I wish I would've known that when I was a teenager. When my mom asked me what I was doing with the phone for 2 hours in the bathroom, I could've just said, "Telephonicophilia homework, ok! Damn!" She still would've known what I was up to, but at least it would make me sound smarter.
Because of Alcee's (totally hot name) robust "hint of James Earl Jones" voice, it sort of sounds like he's reading Shakespeare. Alcee really knows how to make dirtiness sound like classic literature!
Fantasia's toad hooves look like they have never failed her! Those things look like they have done it all! They've wrestled a hog, planted a thousand pine trees, laid a dozen T-Rez eggs, carried Pocahontas across the Potomac River, built the pyramids, won the Heavyweight Champion of the World title, dug a tunnel to Mesopotamia and played the title role in The Hunchback of Notre Dame the musical. Oh, the tales Fanny's feet could tell! They should write (they can do that too) a book!
When you strut down the ho stroll in your sexiest spandex biker shorts, do the other whores yell at you, "Bitch, your pussy is hongray"? Does this make you feel sad in the pants, because you don't want everyone to see your damn uterus from the outside? Well, then the Cuchini is just the product to fix your COCHINA ass.
That shit will set you back $15 for two pads. Once you have your Cuchini pads, just place it over your hungry-hungry-hippo-cooze and voila! No camel toe. You will go from looking like a biological female with organic vagina lips to looking like you've got an 8" dick tucked into your ass crack. Fatty crotch to tranny crotch in a matter of seconds!
The website is like the land of fuckery! It has a video featuring a song that will be the first dance at my wedding. It also has a celebrity c-toe gallery. Strangely enough, the celebrity gallery doesn't star the CAMEL TOE QUEEN herself....CoCo! That's because even the Cuchini knows it is no match for the camel toe of all camel toes! I'd like to see the Cuchini try to cover up CoCo's mammoth vag flappers of wonder. It's not going to happen! If you placed one of those weak ass Cuchini pads on her snatch, it would eat it up in two bites, burp and then scream, "NEXT!"
I mean, behold CoCo's camel toe. It is not the one.
This former A list always movie actress still considers herself A list even though in reality she is about D. She does have A list name recognition and was the star of one of the most famous movies of all time. Not highest grossing, just one of the most famous. Anyway, she is not known for her quiet demeanor and when she has a drink or seven can get rather nasty. Recently she got into a fight with her current boy toy and during the argument threw a glass or two or three at her toy. Well, on one of her throws she missed and hit an original Picasso she has hanging on her wall. The painting was shredded by the glass as it shattered as well as the beverage she had inside. Of course she told her insurance company it fell during a mild earthquake and landed on a glass table beneath the painting, shattering the table and damaging the painting. (CDAN)
Sharon Stoner, right? She has a play thing with a peen and she also has a Picasso! A little investigate reporting (2 seconds of googling) led me to this article.
Which starlet's constant state of inebriation is causing problems in her marriage? Her hubby hates having to physically remove her from nightclubs. (Gatecrasher)
Xtina (no question mark needed). But if she isn't considered a "starlet," I'll say ScarJo or Katherine Heeeeeeeigl?
Which East Coast Resident Star forgot to pick up their child from school and had to be called and reminded from school staff? Our source claims the whole mishap was not a matter of memory, so much as it was of Methamphetamine. It’s not Ms. Fey, she’d never do something like that! (BuzzFoto via Blind Gossip)
Sarah Jessica Parker? She kind of has meth arms.
Guess that glittery ass? Hint: It's not Gay Al Reynolds - Hollywood Tuna
Marisa Miller is obviously allergic to real clothes - Egotastic!
Blair Waldorf's new hair color makes her look a little Lohan-ey - Just Jared
Kim Kardashian's untouched bikini photos have totally been touched (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Jessica Simpson is going to perform at SeaWorld in Texas (insert your rotten chicken of the sea or Shamu joke here) - Lainey Gossip
Jennifer Garner isn't the slice of apple pie we all thought she was. She's a CUTTER!!! - Popsugar
Another reason to lurve Howard Stern - Towleroad
La Bella FLAT ASS - Hollywood Rag
Lane Garrison looking like a methed-out Santa Monica Blvd. hustler - Socialite Life
Sean Penn sucks - Celebitchy
Ty Ty Baby's stalker convicted! Expect to see an episode of The Tyra Show where she goes undercover as her stalker to stalk herself - I'm Not Obsessed
A giant Peep died and melted on Parasite's toxic skanky head - ICYDK
The sad fact is I'd hit all of them - Cityrag
Behold the mighty Shadow Hare! Shadow Hare and his Allegiance of
Moobies Heroes patrol the streets of Cincinnati to protect citizens against the villains that are lurking around every corner. Okay, basically Shadow Hare and his friends just dress up in spandex, walk around the block, get heckled by bums ("IT AIN'T EASTER OUT!") and then go to their secret underground lair (aka Shadow Hare's mother's basement) to spend hours chatting on real superhero message boards.
I've been told that Shadow Hare's superhero powers weaken when he's exposed to a real-life bare vagina and boonies. He becomes a ball of nervous giggles that leaves him paralyzed. That shit is like kryptonite to him!
It's time to put on your aluminum foil hats and discuss American Idol conspiracy theories! Last night, I was sort-of, kind-of, maybe drunked up while watching this mess, so it was a total blur. By the by, this is the way it was meant to be watched. The elimination episode of Idol is like doing sexy times with a fugly bitch you met at the bar. You don't know why you're doing it and you're filled with shame over it, but since you've already decided to, you might as well get as plastered as possible to ease the pain. The only problem is that when Danny Dorkey's "RDJ hit with the tard stick" face comes on the screen, I really can't control the barf nuggets from pouring out. They should throw a warning or some sawdust on his fugly ass face.
The only part I really remember last night was the OMG WTF WHY WHO HUH SHOCKING reveal that the unstoppable flying unicorn that is Glamberace was in the bottom 3 along with Kris Allen and Justin TimberMOLE. I really wasn't slapping my nipples out of shock, because I was waiting for the Idol producers to pull this fuckery out of their asses. This is some manipulative shit!
Shortly after Gaycrest puckered up his peen kisser and announced, Kris, The Mole and Glamberace as the bottom 3, he let Kris' sweet ass go back to safey. Then The Mole was finally burned off. That's when my eyeballs started doing calisthenics. Give me a break. They never said Glamberace was in the bottom 2, but the producers are trying to scare his crazy fans by making it seem like he was close to being executed. Some of the Glamberts might have been voting for Allison or Kris thinking Glamberace is safe, so now they are going to go back to punching it in for their precious rainbow prince. That means there will most likely be a Chokey and Glamberace finale. FIXED!
If Lens Crafters' favorite bitch wins this shit, I swear I will break into Simon's bathroom chambers and shave off the only thing that means anything to him: his titty fur.
And I have a question, why do I fucking care so much? I need to drink more, obviously.
My suspicions were right! St. Angie mistook that sumo wrestler Brad's filming a commercial with for an orphan baby with a serious thyroid problem. St. Angie must have quickly snatched him up before Vadge got her claws on him. Brad didn't feel like breaking the news to St. Angie so he's just going along with it. It's written all over his face. Bitch is tiiiiiired.
And Pax is going to be the bestest older brother.