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There's good news and truly horrific awful bad news. The good news is that it looks like Asswipe Simpson's "music" career is still stuck between two rock hard butt nuggets in the toilet. The nightmare-inducing bad news it that because of this, she's going to be on the new Melrose Place. And my Tivo just threw itself out the window.

Michael Ausiello over at Entertainment Weekly says that Bronx Mowgli's mommy will play Violet, a small-town girl with a nose made out of old Barbie parts, on Melrose Place 2.0. The character sounds a lot like Sydney Andrews. This hurts. This is like redoing Dynasty and casting Tori Spelling as Alexis. Shove the curling iron deeper into my ass, The CW.

So far the cast includes some whores named Katie Cassidy and Michael Rady. Mischa Barton is still in talks to take one of the other roles. Producers are also trying to get Heather Locklear to return as Amanda. To which I say, "Stay the mother fuck away from this epic shit show, Heather!" Seriously, if she joins this caca party, not only will she be back to swallowing pill bottles whole, but she'll probably turn to fucking crack in order to deal. No, Heather. Amanda Woodward would never ever approve.

Why does The CW hate us so much? WHY?! Asshole Simpson on Melrose Fucking Place?! Methinks they really are trying to go down in history as the network with the show that got canceled the fastest. Because if Asshole and Mischa are on the same damn show, the plug will be pulled before the first commercial break of the first episode. And God will be holding the plug, because he's not going to let a travesty like this go on in the world. Fuck fuck no.

Her words not mine! Brit Brit took her ho mime show to Tampa, FL last night and while she was offstage changing into one of her day-shift stripper outfits, she was heard saying, "MAH PUSSY IS HANGING OUT!" This is what a bunch of whores e-mailed to me. I guess the awesome amazing sound guy kind of forgot to turn her mic off. And I guess bitch needs her mic on to say shit like, "Haaaaaay (insert city name here)! I love y'all!", because it's not like she uses it to sing stuff live.

If Brit Brit's pussay was hanging out during her show, I'd hate to know how many poor innocent victims it ate up. It's kind of known that her vagina is about 4 feet wide with razor sharp teeth. And she shouldn't worry about her chocha flapping around, because EVERYONE has seen it. We're all old friends with her pussay. We have iced tea and biscuits every Sunday.

This just confirms that no amount of Lexapro can keep a hillbilly from talking about her smilin' snatch. I just hope that if I get to see her ass in New Jersey this weekend, the amazing sound dude will "forget" to turn her mic off again, so she can say shit like, "Mah ass lips is a throbbin'!"

Go on, Brit, keep that pussy out for Chester Cheetah!

Coppertone Dog: I quit this bitch. - RecessVillain

Runners-up:

Take long hard look ladies, these are the Nigerian Princes who have been e-mailing you for your credit card information. - RecessVillain

I asked for a Three Musketeers candy bar not three muskyqueers from a pansy bar. - randy1

Their trust funds squandered by greedy parents, the child actors from Slumgdog Millionaire endorse Lindsay Lohan's new spray tan line, "Jai HO." - TattoedLawyer

Poochie - The premiere canine slut of the 80s! Poochie was the shit for little hos back in the age of awesome. The ho could drive, talk and never went anywhere without her purple sunglasses. You know she was doing some ho shit to keep up that kind of lifestyle.

For Heather

Emmanuel Lewis (38)
Bow Wow (22)
Brittany Snow (23)
Chingy (29)
Kerr Smith (37)
Shannon Leto (39)
Juliette Binoche (45)
Barbie (50)
Linda Fiorentino (51)
Mark Mancina (52)
Ornella Muti (54)
Charlie Gibson (66)
Joyce Van Patten (75)

"Nadya got real greedy. This woman is nuts." This is the shit OctoMommy's former spokeswhore said to UsWeekly after quitting her insane ass on Friday night.

NUTS doesn't even begin to describe the craziness that bitch is made out of. If you took the word NUTS, wrapped it in straitjackets, threw it in a padded room and treated it with electroshock therapy while a chorus of Nurse Ratcheds danced around it, it still wouldn't look as half as crazy as OctoMommy.

This is the second time a publicist crossed OctoMommy off their client list. Her first pr whore couldn't take all the death threats. Victor Munoz, her second spokesbitch, didn't seem to mind the death threats, he just couldn't take the fact that his client doesn't have the sane gene in her whole body. Victor went on to say, "It just got to be too much. It's pretty much a free for all over there right now. They are freaking out right now. Not to sound arrogant, but those people depended on me for everything. You have no idea what I’ve had to do for these people. This I can say: what ultimately destroyed the business arrangement was personal reasons."

What ultimately destroyed it was that you can probably have a more reasonable conversation with a fucking burnt rutabaga than with that bag of crazy.

You know, OctoMommy is running out of options. Somebody, preferably a psychiatrist, should introduce her to Heather Mills. The two have one major thing in common: they are both certifiably motherfucking INSANE. They've got backwards brains! Together they can open up a pr agency for wackos. I'm sure there's a loony bin that will give them free office space with a gorgeous view of a padded wall.

The term "star" means absolutely fucking nothing to the producers of Dancing with the Has-Beens. This shit show needs to change their name to Dancing with the WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?! Because apparently Melissa, the ho who got her ass dumped by that troll Jason on The Bachelor, has replaced Nancy O'Dell. As you might know, Nancy had to quit that bitch because her knee pulled a Tony Harding on itself.

A source tells People that 25-year-old Melissa Rycroft started rehearsing just a few days ago. She will dance during Monday's premiere. Yeah, and I'm sure she'll be laid up in the hospital by Tuesday morning after the voodoo witch CHERYL BURKE gets a hold of her.

Hugh Hefner's former concubine Holly Madison is also expected to shake her plastic titty sacks tomorrow night in place of Jewel, who also busted her knee.

If Melissa shoved the entire Orion constellation up her ass, she still wouldn't be worthy enough to be called a star. Come the fuck on. If they were going to choose a bitch from that fake ass show, they should've gone with Stephanie. Fuck, even Stephanie's gorgeous eyebrows are more deserving than Melissa.

Emma Watson from those Hairy Potter movies left Bungalow 8 in London the other night with "Be Emma" written on her chest. This is the kind of shit that happens when you pass out drunk and your friends think it will be really cute to graffiti your ass. That's why when you're about to fall into a booze coma, try your best to hide every pen, Sharpie, eyeliner or anything else they can use to write on your ass. Shit, I'd hide any dude dog you have in the house too, because those hos can use his lipstick. It's true! Bitches are cruel when the Boone's Farm is flowing. I've been a victim before.

Actually, Emma could have done this shit to herself while sober. She's a teenager in the age of texting, IMing, e-mailing, Twittering, flittering, blah...blah..blah. She probably just discovered all the fun things you can do with pens.

This little ball of utter adorableness is now prancing around the fields in heaven after a horrific fire took his young life. Martha Stewart delivered the heart-killing news via her Twitter. Martha barely got the Chow puppy she named Gengis Khan a few months ago. According to Martha, some kind of freak propane explosion is to blame. This is what she wrote:

And then about one hour later, she Twittered this:

I swear, only fucking Martha!

But seriously, this is fucking sad. Puppies aren't supposed to go to heaven so soon. Especially not like this! The sads in every way. Rest in peace, Gengis and all the other doggies who passed away in the accident.

VIA Valleywag