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First of all, Mickey Rourke must be washing his face in the ice-cold blended soft bones of fetuses every night, because his mug doesn't look like a Michael Myers mask that was left out in the sun too long. Mickey's actually looking good (insert awkward pause and question mark here).

Second of all, this is what true love looks like. Mickey and Jaws are just hanging out at LAX, canoodling, making out, being adorable and sprinkling love all over the place. Wait. Jaws is like half blind or something, right? That would explain it all.

My chihuahua will only let me hold him like this when I'm wasted. He must love the smell of hot booze on my breath. It reminds him of his whore mother who he still holds a place in his heart for even though her trick ass abandoned him! Yes, I went there.

I fear that the true star of Wobbling with The Woz will be thrown over his Segway and sent back to the land where you don't have to take more than two steps and you can eat Twinkies all day. No, not my apartment, The Woz's house! Last night, he attempted to do the Tango, but it looked more like Karina Smirnoff Ice grinding up against the wood bear that guards High Sierra Territory at Six Flags Magic Mountain. But The Woz was trying, you could tell by the pained look on his face. It's the same look I get when I'm standing in a crowded elevator clenching my ass cheeks because the biggest fart in the history of farts is about to drop. The Woz didn't even to try let it seep out slowly, he just kept it all in. I care so much about him that I even stopped devouring a bowl of frozen Mother's Circus Animal Cookies and picked up the phone to vote for him. That is love. Woz love.

But I'm afraid it's not enough and the Pepaw Care Bear will get the red light tonight. Since it's a double execution, my other guess is that Holly Madison will get the second bullet. I bet you that tramp will giggle when they hand down her sentence. Why was that whore giggling like someone was tickling her taint during judging?! The judges could've said, "You're a virgin who can't drive," and she would've kept on giggling. Did the soul of a Japanese school girl jump into her skank body?! Or did all that peroxide kill most of her brain cells, so all she knows how to do is HEHEHEHEHEHE.

Nobody was giggling when my arch rival CHERYL BURKE took to the dancefloor with that hot ripe sausage known as Gilles Marini. I can't even tell you how grossed out I was over this ham fucking bullshit. I would rather watch Gilles ass fuck an obese pigeon than watch this again. When she said to him, "Pretend you're in love with me," I wanted to put my peen in a PEEN-INI (get it? HA!) maker and press down to the stop pain CHERYL BURKE was inflicting upon me. I can't believe there was a dry mouth in the house, because my vomit would have flooded that joint. The judges actually gave them a 30! This shit is fixed. She's always fucking winning. Not fair. Is Mop & Glo a main sponsor?! FIXED I tell you! If you can stomach it, the clip is below.

Look at this mean ass bitch Lily Allen taunting me while waiting for her order of heaven between two buns inside of God's favorite restaurant in Redondo Beach, CA. Her cunty smile is saying, "I'm here and you're not." Choke on it, bitch. CHOKE ON IT, animal-style. Although, I'm a little proud of Lily that she learned straws aren't just for snorting the bad shit on a broken mirror. She's growing up!

And now I'm going to go to Burger King, close my eyes, bite into a burger and pretend. DAMN that whore! My withdrawals were bad enough before seeing this shit.

Lisa "I'm a Business Woman" Wu, from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, had a little dinner party on Friday night and invited her fellow cast members along with the always precious Dwight (aka NeNe's best homegirl). This is what Dwight wore.

Apparently, it's mink pants with a cashmere sweater. Um. It looks like Dwight made the pants from a fake fur throw from Z Gallerie and paired it with a sweater he found balled up in the discount bin at Ann Taylor Loft. Wait. Maybe Kim Zolciak's tortured dog wig broke free, mated with an elderly Golden Shepard and popped out a litter of puppies which Dwight skinned to make these plushie pants. Because Dwight's pants really look like they could be a close relative to Kim's wig.

Visit Talking with Tami to see more pictures from Business Woman's party.

Lady CaCa sounding like a whispering coked-up baby Bjork who loves itself way too much - ONTD

Heidi. Klum. Naked. Again. Again. And. Again. - Egotastic!

Mimi and her man toy making the sea creatures dry heave in Barbados - Lainey Gossip

Brooke or Linda? Or maybe this is Hulk after shaving? - Hollywood Tuna

Kathy Griffin is the definition of awesome - Towleroad

Levi McConaughey is pulling a Stains on that pear - Popsugar

Guess the belly button? - Cityrag

One time at band camp Alyson Hannigan had a baby and named it Satan, I mean, Satyana - Just Jared

Khloe Kardashian should never do that to a lollipop again (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Somebody left Jonathan Rhys Meyers in the oven a little too long - Hollywood Rag

Building a motorized bar stool (with a wheelie bar!!) seems like a genius idea. You just get on, go to the bar, drive inside, booze your troubles away and then head on home. Your lazy ass doesn't even need to move off the seat! That's what 28-year-old Kile Wygle of Ohio probably thought to himself until he failed by crashing that shit near his house. Because he wasn't driving one of those car things, Kile probably thought he outsmarted the po pop and wouldn't get in trouble. So he called 911, because he kind of fucked himself up when he crashed.

The Smoking Gun says that when the cops arrived, Kile pointed to his homemade hillbilly ride and said he wrecked his bar stool. Kile also admitted that he could go around 40mph on the thing if he wanted to, but was only going 20 when he ate it. Kile failed a bunch of sobriety tests and told the cops he had a lot of booze in his body. He was arrested and charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license.

Kile deserves to get the stool thrown at him in court! And the stool shoved up him in jail, because when the cops started giving his bar stool mobile the side-eye, he should've known something was up. That's when he should've slowly backed away from his contraption and said, "Um. Did I say that was mine? Yeah, I'm kind of cloudy in the head from falling and all. I've never seen that before in my life. The bar stool isn't mine!" He needs to watch more Cops!

Kile also needs to take this shit to the next level. Fuck the motorized bar stool! Build me a motorized bar....and a motorized bed....and a motorized toilet, so I never have to walk again!

I really hope this isn't some cruel April Fool's joke, because Brit Brit will never be the same if it is. The pink wig will come out again! Please, Chester, don't do this to her!!! But if it isn't, Brit Brit has finally found the thing she needs to get over Adnan.

Frito-Lay announced today that beginning tomorrow, they will sell Cheetos the size of ping-pong balls. The head whores at Frito-Lay said they wanted to create something "fun." One bag will sell for $2.89. A little bag of 5 will sell for 59 cents.

If you really want one of these bags and sense a Cheetoling in your area, get in line now, because Brit Brit is going to buy all the stock. Then she's going to take all her new balls into the bathroom and lock the door. Think of all the nasty kinky shit she's going to do those with Giant Cheetos! Cheetobagging!

You know how Cheeto smegma gets in your teeth and is a bitch to get out? Well, Brit Brit's gynecologist is going to be scraping Cheeto jizz out of her vag for DAYS!

VIA USAToday (Thanks Danielle)

Remember when Oprah's all-vagina school in Africa had some kind of sex scandal? Well, in case Oprah used her powers of telekinesis to zap that memory out of your head, let me refresh your glass. A few months after the school opened, the matron was fired after she sexually abused 15 girls. At the time Oprah cried hot tears and said it was the most devastating experience of her life. Well, another sex scandal has hit the school. This one involves students and not teachers.

The Afrikaans on Sunday newspaper (via UsWeekly) reports that seven students were suspended for doing lesbionic things with each other and also pressuring other girls to partake in a little finger-banging action.

A letter sent to the little lezzies' parents read: "You have been found guilty of physical contact of a sexual nature with another pupil on campus, harassment, bullying other girls on campus and of being dishonest by not telling investigators the whole truth."

Aside from the bullying other girls into feasting on the snatch buffet, isn't this kind of shit normal? I mean, if I even walk near an all-girls school, an Indigo Girls song plays in my head and I get a sudden craving to stick my finger in a roast beef sandwich covered in chunky gravy.

And just because they are doing lezzie shit, doesn't mean they are getting a Home Depot card anytime soon. They are just fucking horny!

Oprah should pack up her pet Gayle and head over to Africa now! They obviously need to teach a class on how to chow on the chocha without getting caught! After all, she is the master!